Best Actor, Emmanuel Sanders 

Today as the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences does what it does best, hand out awards, let’s take a walk through imagination land and give Oscars to those who really deserve it, NFL players and coaches.

Best Picture: The Baltimore Ravens, THE BALTIMORE RAVENS. Was it the most entertaining team of the year? No, but the Ravens are like when CRASH took home Best Picture a few years ago, ultimately no one will ever remember they won and if they do, they’ll remark, “Huh, that was weird.”

Scientific and Engineering Award: Peyton Manning’s Neck. Award given at luncheon held at the Beverly Hilton, hosted by Laura Dern.

Best Documentary: Darnell Dockett,  TWITTER ACCOUNT

Best Adapted Screenplay: The New York Jets, TITANIC

Honorary Award: Randy Moss, Achievements In Wide Receiving, Preening

Best Actor: Emmanuel Sanders, CRAMPING TIME OUT

Best Director: Pete Carroll, COCKY STRUT

Best Supporting Actor: Adrien Peterson, NINE YARDS SHORT OF THE SINGLE SEASON RUSHING RECORD

Best Actress: Not Awarded

Best Documentary Short: Chad Johnson, HARD KNOCKS

Best Special Effects: FedEx Field, RG III KNEE TEAR

Best Animated Feature: Colin Kaepernick, CALIFORNIA PENAL SYSTEM

Best Live Action Short Film: Paul Tagliabue, VACATION

Best Original Score: M&T Stadium Crowd, SEVEN WORDS YOU CANNOT SAY ON TELEVISION CHANT

Best Sound Editing: GRUDEN TALK

Best Makeup and Hairstyling: Marshan Lynch, TASTE THE RAINBOW

Art Direction: Rex Ryan’s Tattoo Artist, SEXY MRS. SANCHEZ

See? Already these awards are more satisfying than anything you’ll see tonight. Did I phone some of these jokes in? Of course, but just to get you warmed up for Seth MacFarlane.

Here in LA there are a few different levels of Oscar parties, but you’ll find shades of each power ranking at any given gathering. The Vanity Fair Party, Governors Ball, studio parties, sponsored parties (usually at the Friars Club with Bud Light and comedic actors you may only vaguely recognize), private parties with former Oscar nominees or winners who no longer feel the need to go to the event, private parties with people who work in the industry who are quietly seething they have yet to be nominated for anything beyond an Austin Film Critics Awards, parties for people who work in the industry who through career choice never be nominated for anything because execs and agents only get thanked in speeches, struggling artistes with Trader Joe’s cheese platters and last but certainly not least, people who stay home on their sofa in sweats crafting their own Oscars out of bare paper towel rolls.

This year, we’re heading to a middle of the pack party which is fine, but I’d rather to be the last group. Didn’t bother to get a blowout, I still have to put on a dress and honestly, snacks at Oscar parties are hardly touched because some stereotypes about vanity in Hollywood have a sliver of truth to them. (UPROXX overlord Jarret asked me if I was making anything for the show and I replied that the Oscar parties are for too much booze and a bunch of people cranky the movies they worked on/liked didn’t win anything. For me, it will be ranting that THE MASTER, ZERO DARK THIRTY and SKYFALL were the best films of the year and no one appreciates destructive storytelling.)

Add your own NFL Oscars, complain about the real Academy Awards. Consider this your Sunday night “there is no football” open thread or go crash the Film Drunk party. Vince might have enough guacamole for everyone.

Longer rants about LIFE OF PI here.