John Harbaugh: Almost game time.
Jim Harbaugh: Mmhmmm.
John: The talking is finally done. Time to play this thing.
Jim: Oh, I’m ready.
John: I was ready before I got to New Orleans.
Jim: I was born ready.
John: I was born ready. And I was born first, so I’m more ready.
Jim: The people and creatures I was in previous lives were ready. We carried out our various existences just to bring our collective life force to this moment.
John: You would believe in some pussy sh*t like reincarnation.
Jim: I also believe I’m gonna win this Super Bowl.
John: Well, then, that’s two things you’re wrong about.
[Door flies open]
Jack Harbaugh: Boys, I know you have a lot of important snarling to do, but your mother and I wanted to tell you something before the game: we’re both tremendously proud of you. It’s the dream of every parent that their children exceed them, and that’s exactly what you’ve done. Through hard work and determination, you’ve achieved more than I ever could in life. I’m so glad that I didn’t have to disown you for failing to live up to my expectations.
Jackie Harbaugh: I love you so much, my dears.
Jack: Now, I’m not gonna soft-pedal this. We all know what’s at stake.
Jackie: But we want you to know, no matter what happens, we love you both and that will never change.
Jack: That’s right. I will still love the both of you. But only one you earns the right to beat me to death and dispose of my remains in a manner of their choosing.
Jim: I got the best place picked out.
John: Can’t be better than what I got planned.
Jackie: What in heavens are you boys talking about?
Jack: Honey, it’s time I came clean. We both know I was tough on these boys growing up. I locked them in cages for weeks at a time. I starved them. I sang off-key. I made them fight the neighborhood dogs. I made them fight each other. I fought whoever won those fights. It was grueling, but I think we both know it was worth it.
Jackie: What does that have to do with beating you to death?
Jack: Look, you can’t put children through the Harbaugh System of Roughhousing and Mental Conditioning without giving them something to hope for. It would destroy their spirit. They would never make it. As it was, they hated me. They could never show it because I would just beat them for insolence, but I could tell. I could see it in their eyes. That’s fine. It’s a natural reaction. So I harnessed that hate, used it to motivate them. When they were both kids, I promised them that the first one to win a Super Bowl could bludgeon me to death and do with my remains whatever he wishes. The Harbaugh has a collection of whomping canes for this very occasion.
Jackie: That’s what those things are for?
Jack: Indeed. And come Sunday night, one of our sons will have the honor and privilege of caving my skull in with one of them.
Jackie: No! No! I won’t let this happen. This is barbaric!
Jack: I’m sorry, honey. You can’t stop this. If you stop this, their entire lives were a lie.
John: This is all that’s kept me going, mom.
Jim: You have no idea how long I’ve dreamed about pissing on dad’s ashes.
Jack: It’s a Harbaugh tradition that dates back generations. Sadly, I never reached the heights they have, so I never got to do it to my father. That’s why that dusty 97-year-old is still with us, to remind me of my shame. This is my release, my love. This will free me and it will free one of our sons.
Jackie: But what of the other one?
Jack: I don’t know. Fuck that loser. He doesn’t even get to watch. Believe me, we’ve been over this.
Jackie: Well, shit. I better get a ring out of this.
I want more like this!
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