J.J. Watt has shown a willingness to be indulge the whims of fans. For instance, he showed to up to greet the wife of a man who insisted on having a cake in the shape of Watt’s faceless torso at their wedding. He also proposed to a six-year-old, and everyone was just okay with that. Sickos.

Perhaps that made him seem TOO friendly, because now apparently Watt is inundated with requests to take high school girls to their prom.

Look, America, J.J. Watt can only attend so many proms and deflower so many of your daughters. He’s got take care of himself. He has a strict off-season regimen of weight-lifting and swatting at things. It’s like a less charming version of that Dikembe Mutombo GEICO commercial.

Watt will just have to deploy an army of burly white guy body doubles to accommodate demand. Or he can start selling cardboard cutouts of himself for girls to go with. Hey, it worked for Tebow.

– A Bengals wedding garter was found lying in the street in Pittsburgh. So many questions, so little chance that the answers aren’t depressing.

– People hurting themselves on a trampoline. That’s never not appropriate.

– Terrell Suggs was badmouthing 49ers tackle Anthony Davis on San Francisco sports radio a month after the Super Bowl, calling him a fake tough guy, even though Davis dominated Suggs in the game. Terrell Suggs winning a Super Bowl and still being upset about it is such a Suggs thing.

– “THE BEN GET NEW SIGNY PAPER! STEELERS SAY THE BEN HAVE TO SIGN SO TEAM CAN MOVE NUMBERS AROUND! HARF HARF HARF. YOU WANT BEN TO MOVE NUMBERS, HE MOVE THEM. SIGNING PAPER DON’T MOVE NOTHING.”

– The Raiders are interested in Geno Smith, because it’s the Raiders. That’s such a Raiders pick, especially because Geno had a faster than expected 40 time at the combine.

– Chris Johnson thinks he can still be the one to break Eric Dickerson’s record. Apparently someone told him he’s getting 1,000 carries next season.

– Aaron Carter has no career and a bunch of Steelers stuff, two things that usually go together.

– The sequestration would end flyovers at sports events. I think we can all agree we can do without those.