Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU WATCH THE OSCARS?
Herm: IF ADELE IS SINGING THEN I’M WATCHING.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA, I’M ALL ABOUT THE BIG GIRLS THAT CAN WAIL. IF I GOT A LONG NIGHT IN THE OFFICE WATCHING TAPE THEN I’LL PROBABLY RUB ONE OUT TO THAT ONE FROM WILSON PHILLIPS. ANYWAY WE HAVE FILM CRITIC LEONARD MALTIN HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE OSCARS. LEONARD, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
Leonard: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: SO WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE OSCARS, LEONARD?
Leonard: I was pleasantly surprised. Unlike last year the best pictures were pretty close to each other and commercially successful, so it was nice to see a lot of different movies win awards. Though I do think Zero Dark Thirty should have won more than one Oscar.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA, I DIDN’T SEE WHAT WAS SO BAD ABOUT THE TORTURE SCENES. WHEN I WAS ON THE RAIDERS AL DAVIS WOULD WATERBOARD ME AFTER WE LOST A DIVISIONAL GAME BUT I DIDN’T COMPLAIN. HELPED ME FOCUS ON THE NEXT OPPONENT.
Herm: MIKE HEIMERDINGER USED TO BOURBONBOARD HIMSELF AFTER A BAD GAME.
Leonard: I don’t think politics really come into play with the Academy like that.
Jon: EVERY AWARD IS ALL ABOUT POLITICS. THAT’S WHY I NEVER WON COACH OF THE YEAR EVEN THOUGH DAN REEVES WON TWICE. I’M TOO BUSY WATCHING TAPE TO SUCK UP TO THOSE FATASS SPORTSWRITERS.
Herm: JON AIN’T GOT TIME FOR NO PETER KING.
Leonard: True, and Argo was probably helped by the fact that Hollywood loves Ben Affleck.
Jon: THIS BEN, I CALL HIM JIM HARBAUGH BECAUSE HE’S MEDIOCRE WHEN HE’S ON THE FIELD BUT HE’S GREAT RUNNING THE SHOW.
Leonard: Keep in mind that Affleck carried that film on screen as well as off.
Jon: ALAN ARKIN, JOHN GOODMAN, BRYAN CRANSTON, VICTOR GARBER, TATE DONOVAN. YOU TALK ABOUT A PRO BOWL SUPPORTING CAST. THAT’S LIKE WHEN I SURROUNDED BRAD JOHNSON WITH A CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM; ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS WALK AND CHEW GUM.
Herm: I TRIED DOING THE SAME WITH CHAD PENNINGTON BUT THE JETS WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.
Leonard: Well perhaps most galling was how Affleck wasn’t nominated for best director and Ang Lee won instead.
Jon: THIS ANG, I CALL HIM PETER KING BECAUSE LIFE OF PI WAS FOR WISHY-WASHY SUBURBAN HAUSFRAUS.
Leonard: Beg pardon?
Jon: YOU CAN’T JUST SAY YOU’RE EVERY RELIGION, YOU GOTTA PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT. YOU CAN’T LINE UP IN A JUMBO PACKAGE AND TRIPS LEFT ON THE SAME PLAY.
Herm: IF I’M ON A BOAT WITH A TIGER I’M GOING TO KILL THE TIGER.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA HERM, IF YOU KILLED A TIGER YOU’D BE A GRUDEN GRINDER, THAT’S FOR SURE. IF ANY GRUDEN TALK VIEWERS IN INDIA HAVE DONE IT THEN PLEASE SEND A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE AND A PICTURE OF YOU KILLING THE TIGER TO GRUDEN TALK, 1000 PIRATE HOOKER BOULEVARD, TAMPA, FL 33601. YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR GRUDEN GRINDER IN THE MAIL.
Leonard: I’m lost.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’VE RUN OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: TIME FOR US TO PLAY SOME EYE OF THE TIGER UP IN HERE!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.