Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POPE RESIGNING?

Herm: I DID NOT THINK THAT THE STEELERS WOULD RE-SIGN LEONARD POPE.

Jon: NO, YA BIG DUMMY, I MEAN THE POPE.  THE GUY WHO LIVES IN ROME AND WEARS THE FUNNY HAT.  HE’S GOT THAT CAR THAT  LOOKS LIKE THE BOOTH UPSTAIRS.

Herm: WHEN YOU WEAR A FUNNY HAT I’M NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU.  THAT’S WHY I ALWAYS IGNORE NICK SABAN’S ADVICE.

Jon: WELL WE’RE GONNA TALK ABOUT POPE BENEDICT RESIGNING WITH MY GUEST, CARDINAL FRANCIS EUGENE GEORGE, THE ARCHBISHOP OF CHICAGO.  WELCOME, YOUR CARDINALITY.

Francis: Thank you for having me Jon, and the correct honorific is “Your Eminence.”

Jon: YOU KNOW I USED TO THINK THAT EMMITT SMITH WAS CALLING HIMSELF “EMINENCE SMITH” BEFORE I REALIZED HE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO TALK.  ANYWAY, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT A POPE COULD RESIGN, DID YOU?

Francis: A pope is able to resign, but in practice it hasn’t occurred in more than six centuries.  It’s really a function of the modern papacy, where the church needs someone who is physically vigorous to carry out papal functions.

Jon: I HEAR YA, EVEN INFALLIBLE PEOPLE NEED TO STEP DOWN SOMETIMES.  BILL WALSH QUIT AS COACH OF THE NINERS AND HE INVENTED THE WEST COAST OFFENSE.

Herm: DICK VERMEIL QUIT FOR MORE THEN A DECADE THEN CAME BACK, SO MAYBE POPE BENEDICT WILL COME BACK.

Francis: Pope Benedict is quite frail and old; instead of returning to the papacy he will most likely retire to a convent where he can read, write and pray.

Jon: THIS BENEDICT, I CALL HIM TONY DUNGY BECAUSE HE ALSO QUIT SO HE COULD PRAY ALL DAY.  SO WHAT WILL POPE BENEDICT’S LEGACY BE?

Francis: I think he’ll be remembered as a kind, godly man who was a caretaker during a time of great tumult.

Jon: AGAIN, SOUNDS A LOT LIKE TONY DUNGY TO ME.  LOOKS LIKE THE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS NEEDS TO HIRE ANOTHER GRUDEN AWAY FROM THE RAIDERS IF THEY WANT TO GO OVER THE TOP.

Herm: TONY DUNGY IS NOT GOING TO WIN IT ALL WITH THE CATHOLICS’ CURRENT ROSTER.

Francis: I’m afraid I’ve lost you.

Jon: IF YOU’RE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH YOU NEED A POPE THAT TAKES YOU OVER THE TOP. A REAL GRUDEN GRINDER WHO KNOWS WHAT IT TAKES TO BE THE PONTIFF.   YOU CAN’T LET TED MARCHIBRODA BE THE VOICE OF GOD, YOU NEED BILL PARCELLS.

Herm: TED MARCHIBRODA IS NOT INFALLIBLE.

Francis: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Jon: FRANCIS, IT’S SIMPLE, WHEN YOU’RE OFF VOTING IN THE CONCLAVE YOU GOTTA FIGURE OUT IF THE GUY YOU’RE VOTING FOR TAKES THE CATHOLICS TO THE PLAYOFFS OR IF YOU’LL BE STUCK IN THE LOTTERY ALONG WITH THE JEWS AND THE RASTAFARIANS.

Herm: AND DON’T FORGET THE ROONEY RULE!  YOU NEED TO INTERVIEW AT LEAST ONE BLACK CARDINAL.

Francis: You two seem very confused.

Jon: MOST OF THE TIME, YEAH.  ANYWAY, THAT’S IT FOR GRUDEN TALK THIS WEEK.  PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS SEVEN.

Herm: TIME FOR SOME CATHOLIC MUSIC.  LET’S PUT ON SOME SPRINGSTEEN WHEN I SAY BREAK, WE’LL AUDIBLE THE EXACT ONE ON THE LINE.