Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE ONLY DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU WATCH THE SUPER BOWL?

Herm: WHEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT I PUT ON DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER.

Jon: ALL YOU MISSED WAS SHANNON SHARPE MAKING LESS SENSE THAN BARRETT ROBBINS AFTER A BENDER.  SHANNON SHARPE NEEDS TO WATCH TAPE OF HIMSELF TO IMPROVE HIS TELEVISION TECHNIQUE.  ANYWAY, ONE OF THE PEOPLE FROM THE CBS BROADCAST RECENTLY REVEALED THAT HE HAD AN AFFAIR AND A LOVE CHILD WITH A FORMER CO-WORKER.  HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT PUBLICLY FOR THE FIRST TIME IS DAN MARINO.

Dan: Thanks for having me, Jon.

Jon: I GOTTA ASK YA, HOW DO YOU HAVE TIME FOR AN AFFAIR WITH A FINE YOUNG THING?  WHY AREN’T YOU WATCHING TAPE 16 HOURS A DAY?

Dan: Pardon?

Jon: I BARELY HAVE TIME FOR ONE FAMILY.  GOTTA SPEND MY TIME WATCHING TAPE, FINDING OUT THE BEST WAY TO STOP A COUNTER Z SMASH.  AFTER I’VE BEEN WATCHING TAPE UNTIL 2 A.M. THE CARESS OF MY OWN WIFE IS ALL THAT I NEED.

Dan: Well this was a personal failing, and I take full responsibility for it.

Jon: THAT’S IMPORTANT.  WHEN YOU’RE THE LEADER OF MEN YOU NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.  THAT MEANS NO BITCHING OUT MARK DUPER AFTER A PICK SIX EVEN THOUGH YOU SCREWED UP THE PASS.

Herm: YOU CAN’T THROW BEHIND A RECEIVER IN THE FLAT.

Dan: I don’t see how that applies to my personal indiscretions.

Jon: AND HEY I UNDERSTAND BEING ATTRACTED TO A CO-WORKER.  I USED TO WORK AT HOOTERS, THE ATTRACTIVE WAITRESS RESTAURANT CHAMPIONS.  BUT IF THERE’S ONE THING I LEARNED IT’S THAT YOU DON’T DIP YOUR CHICKEN WINGS INTO THE COMPANY DEEP FRYER.

Dan: Like I said, I admit that I made a mistake.

Jon: YOU’D HAVE BEEN MUCH BETTER OFF HAVING YOUR AFFAIR WITH A BABYSITTER.

Herm: WHEN YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH A BABYSITTER YOU CAN JUST GET A NEW ONE.

Dan: I’m not proud of what I did; I’m not try to find the best way to do it.

Jon: THIS DAN, I CALL HIM JOHN EDWARDS BECAUSE HE NEVER WON THE BIG ONE AND DESTROYED HIS FAMILY.

Dan: I didn’t destroy my family; my wife and I are working hard to repair our relationship.

Jon: AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR LOVE CHILD?  ARE YOU GONNA BE A HEAD COACH IN HER LIFE OR ARE YOU PUTTING HER ON WAIVERS?

Dan: I am trying to have a relationship with my daughter but it’s difficult.

Jon: I KNOW A THING ABOUT DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS.  I USED TO COACH KEYSHAWN JOHNSON AFTER ALL.

Herm: AIN’T NO RELATIONSHIP HARDER THAN WORKING WITH KEYSHAWN JOHNSON.

Dan: I really should have gone on Oprah instead.

Jon: COMING ON MY SHOW WAS YOUR BIGGEST MISTAKE SINCE THE AFFAIR ITSELF.  ANYWAY, WE’RE OUT OF TIME HERE ON GRUDEN TALK.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, PLAY US OFF WITH SOME AFFAIR MUSIC.

Herm: HERM EDWARDS 7 IS GOING TO RUN THE FLEETWOOD MAC PLAYS FROM ITS PLAYBOOK ON 3!