The first football-related thing I see today is the news that Bruce Arians was wheeled into an ambulance on a gurney in front of the entire Colts team. If this was a movie, it would mean that the Colts would win on the last play of the game, running a brilliant, magical play that Bruce Arians had designed specifically for this game. It would look like this.
Unfortunately, this isn’t a movie, and the Colts are going to get their asses whipped. I’ll take the Redskins in the late game, too.
Tom Daugherty is up 18 pins on Jason Sterner after just three frames in the PBA Scorpion Championship. I know this because this is on television, right next to lone TV showing the Colts/Ravens game. Finally, they know what they’re doing in this place.
The Colts first drive chokes out quickly, and is followed by a 34-yard punt return, and then an efficient start to the game for the Ravens offense. Early indications are of Ravens superiority.
Oh, we’re going to turn bowling OFF now? After you’ve teased me with the graceful brawn of Tom Daugherty’s radical thumbless delivery? FUCK THIS PLACE. (Note: I will later learn that Tom Daugherty once bowled a 100 in the 2011 PBA Tournament of Champions, so, you know … good for him.)
The Ravens continue to mow through the Colts defense, until Ray Rice coughs up a fumble. Early break for the Colts. Head referee Mike Carey awards the ball to “Indiana.” That’ll be a nice little memento for the state.
I thought things might pick up in here today after a slow day yesterday, but it’s the exact opposite. It’s deader than hell. I am literally the only one sitting at the bar until a group of children around the age of 7 gather around the end-of-bar video game thing. It’s your lucky day, kids. MJD never drinks alone. Cuervo shots for all of you.
I’m just kidding. I drink alone all the time.
The Colts, as the Ravens did just minutes ago, see a good-looking drive die on a turnover. Andrew Luck was stripped.
Joe Flacco tries to give it right back, though, when he hits Vontae Davis in the chest with the football. Davis can’t make the grab, though.
I always root against Joe Flacco, and I have no real reason why. He seems a nice enough guy. I always find myself pleased, though, when he throws an interception or otherwise fucks something up. I don’t know. Maybe he looks like someone who kicked my ass when I was a child.
CBS goes to commercial as a turnover-stuffed first quarter comes to an end. On this week’s “Hawaii 5-0″, evidently, viewers can vote on how they want the show to end, because … because, well, fuck art and artists, I guess. It’s like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books, the ones most people stopped reading when they were nine.
In the second quarter, the Ravens steadily march the ball down the field, but settle for a field goal when a would-be TD pass bounces off the hands of Tandon Doss. Tandon Doss. MORE LIKE TAMPON DOSS.
CBS has a pre-game shot of Ray Lewis and Roger Goodell embracing in a warm, zestful hug. Steelers fans everywhere have no choice but to interpret this other than as stone cold proof that Goodell hates the Steelers. Case closed.
A brilliant punt by Sam Koch pins the Colts at their own two-yard-line, until it’s called back because the guy who downed the punt had previously stepped out of bounds. I wouldn’t mind changing this rule for the punt coverage team. I say going out of bounds first adds a level of difficulty to the accomplishment. In fact, I say if you can steal the hat off the opposing head coach’s head, and then go down the punt, you get to move it back half the distance to the goal line, too. And you get to keep the hat.
Colts tight end Dwayne Allen picks up 22 yards on a screen play, and could’ve had three or four more yards if he could bear the thought of contact with another football player. He had at least a couple of yards ahead of him, but tucked himself safely out of bounds.
The Colts will later turn that into a field goal attempt. Adam Vinatieri is true, and it’s 3-3. Oh, after yesterday, my kingdom for a touchdown.
We’re approaching halftime of this game, which means we’ve seen six teams in the playoffs so far, and only one of them ‒ Green Bay ‒ has had a consistently competent offense. And we’re thinking about expanding the playoffs? I say we’re good with six teams.
The next episode of “Two and a Half Men” will be a musical. I would sooner watch Rob Ryan hump the exhumed corpse of Ernest Borgnine. You are awful, CBS. Just awful.
Joe Flacco forces the ball to Ray Rice on what looks like a busted screen, and finally, Ray Rice does some of that Ray Rice shit. Nice job by Flacco, nice job by Rice. From the two-yard-line, Vonta Leach punches it in for the touchdown. Touchdowns. They do exist.
I didn’t anticipate the Colts doing a whole lot with just :50 left on the clock before the half, but 19 seconds later, they’re at the Ravens 43 yard-line.
But then Luck gets called for intentional grounding, prompting a Chuck Pagano argument with the official. If I was Pagano, I wouldn’t lose an argument today. “Oh, really? That call’s going against me? The guy who just beat cancer? I sure hope the disease doesn’t come back, so my last memory of you doesn’t have to be this hateful act of screwing me over. No, no, hey, if it’s the right call, it’s the right call. Good for you. You feel like a big man? Hey, you know Bruce Arians is dying, right?”
On 3rd down, Luck picks up 25 yards on a nice throw to TY Hilton, which puts Indy back into field goal range. They’re only down 10-6 at the half, and that felt like a momentum-changer. We shall see.
Hey, the NHL lockout is over. I don’t know if I should be happy for the NHL because they’ll get to have a season, or sad for the NHL, because they failed in their suicide attempt.
To start the second half, Anquan Boldin goes up and rescues a wayward Joe Flacco pass that I don’t believe was intended for him. Gain of 50.
Anquan Boldin continues his takeover on the Ravens next drive, making catches of 10 and 46 yards. The drive will end with a touchdown pass-and-run to Dennis Pitta, putting the Ravens firmly in control at 17-6. Note to the Colts: This would be a good time to stop fucking around.
And they do, to a point. They answer with a beautiful drive, that has thus far combined six runs and six passes for 72 yards, lasting over six minutes. The blitz gets to Luck on third down again, though, and they’ll have to settle for a field goal attempt. Can’t have that. I said yesterday that a team who kicks four field goals deserves to lose. This will be their fourth attempt.
I swear, this is the most well-behaved, non-interesting group of people ever assembled in one bar. If I could afford it, I’d buy six shots for everyone in the place, just so someone might do something halfway amusing.
This is the current TV situation in front of me. TV on the left: football. TV in the middle: football. TV on the right: Infomercial for Cindy Crawford’s Meaningful Beauty anti-aging cream.
Bernard Pierce rips off a 33-yard run in what might be a backbreaker for the Colts.
No, wait ‒ I take that back. This Anquan Boldin touchdown is the backbreaker. There will be no coming back from this. Anquan Boldin is my game MVP.
Valerie Bertinelli uses the Cindy Crawford cream, and she looks fantastic. Good for you, Val.
An Andrew Luck interception drives a stake through the Colts’ hearts for sure, but the Colts have no reason to feel shame. They fought. Their defense was a bit overmatched, and their offense isn’t all-the-way well-rounded yet. The next game won’t start for 31 minutes, and a large portion of that is going to be spent sucking off Ray Lewis. That’s not my particular cup of jizz, so I’m going to take a short break
We’re underway with the late game, and maybe I’m just falling for some RGIII vs. Russell Wilson hype, but I’m considering this one the weekend’s main event. It almost has to be, because the previous three games didn’t exactly set the bar high. I’d even take a blowout, as long as we see some cool stuff.
RGII goes 30 yards downfield to Pierre Garcon, and I hear cheering! I have found people in a sports bar who are interested in football! I feel much glee.
The Redskins train keeps rolling down the field, and Griffin finds Evan Royster, of all people, for a touchdown. Not just a touchdown ‒ an opening drive touchdown. I wasn’t sure those were still legal. This feels good. This RGIII character might turn out okay after all.
Just as I’m starting to experience moderate excitement, a couple sits down to my right and the dude starts babbling endlessly to his broad. It sounds like fairly mundane, first-date, get-to-know-you type stuff. Not a word about anything related to football or sports, which makes Buffalo Wild Wings a peculiar choice, especially for a pony-tailed bearded hippie type. You gotta let her get a word in, man. You don’t have to remember it. You don’t even have to care about a goddamn word she says. But she wants to talk, and if you want her to like you, you’re going to have to let her.
The Redskins follow up their impressive first drive with an equally impressive defensive effort. On third down, they sack Russ Wilson (I’m trying that out ‒ I’m not sure if Russ or Russell fits him better) and force a punt. Three and out.
And down the field the Redskins roll once again. It’s Alfred Morris, it’s Bob Griffin, it’s Logan Paulsen, it’s Morris, it’s Griffin, it’s Morris, and to cap it off, HIS NAME IS LOGAN PAULSEN. Another touchdown, Redskins. We’re only a quarter into the game, but this is, by far, the smoothest offense I’ve seen this weekend.
The bad news, though, is that RGIII seems to have hobbled himself on that play. He’s running and walking gingerly. When he goes to the sidelines, he goes into some kind of temporary shed the Redskins have built over there. It’s about the size of a treehouse. RGIII has to duck to get in.
Can any team just have a shed like this, where players can go and be away from cameras? And if so, why doesn’t every team have one, stocked wall-to-wall with buckets of Toradol, clean syringes, mountains of cocaine and prostitutes who work quickly?
And to start the second quarter, the Seahawks get in on this new, strange “offense” trend, too. They put together a 66-yard drive that, unfortunately, stalls at the 14. They’ll settle for a field goal. But don’t worry about it, gentlemen ‒ the Texans and Ravens both had their share of red zone boners and got away with it. No reason you can’t, too.
This hippie prick is still talking. This is the most self-centered hippie I’ve ever encountered. The television that used to be showing the Cindy Crawford infomercial now displays one of those super-long ASPCA commercials, with all the abused puppies and kittens. The girl makes an “awwww” noise, and, not missing a beat, this asshole goes into a dog voice. It would be so great if a pack of pit bulls ripped him to bloody shreds.
The mojo of this game has gone ass over teakettle. The Redskins had a ridiculous yardage advantage in the first quarter, and the Seahawks have flipped it in the second. Russ Wilson was brilliant on a Seahawks touchdown drive, and then RGIII threw a deep interception. It’s like only one of them can play well at once.
The Seahawks fail on a 3rd and 7 late in the half, and again settle for three points. They’ve had their collective foot on the Redskins’ throat all quarter, and could have a lead, but they don’t. 14-13, Redskins. Fuckin’ field goals, man.
Coming up at halftime, Fox’s Jamie Maggio will talk to Ray Lewis. Amazing! Someone convinced Ray Lewis to step in front of a video camera! How’d they do it?
A couple more thoughts on Ray Lewis, because I’m sure some of you are fans, and you find my animosity toward him off-putting. I apologize for that. As a player, Ray is clearly one of the all-time greats. The Ravens and the game itself will be poorer for his absence. The Ray Lewis persona, however, I will not miss. He fancies himself a leader and the ultimate team player, but he also preens more than just about anyone in league history. He adores the spotlight, and he wants to clobber you in the head with his religion. I’m an admirer, but I’m not a fan. I’ve grown tired of his omnipresence.
My distaste for him doesn’t even have much to do with his January of 2000 indictment for murder. The law said what the law said, and it’s not like I know what happened that night. I wonder, though, if he and Roger Goodell would be such bosom buddies today had Goodell been the commissioner during that incident.
Also: I don’t think he’s retiring. You think Brett Favre loved the spotlight? Brett Favre never did this. Clearly, Ray can still play at a high level, and I don’t know if anyone in NFL history has ever had a stronger love of being on-camera. I’d put the odds of seeing him in a Ravens uniform again at around 60%.
To start the third quarter, again, the Seahawks engage in some world-class red zone dick-trippery. Marshawn Lynch, after starring in a bruising, efficient drive, coughs the ball up. It’s looking more and more like Seattle should win this game, if they can get out of their own way.
We continue to zip along, scoreless in the third quarter, though it’s not without intrigue ‒ Griffin is clearly struggling with his knee, and the Redskins are chasing Russ Wilson around on virtually every play. When I think about the ceiling for these two guys, it’s a little scary. What if either of these guys had a Peyton Manning or Tom Brady-like understanding of the game, right now? What if they can get there while they’ve still got most of their athleticism? If they develop like Manning or Brady (and there’s no reason to believe they won’t), they’ll be virtually unbeatable. There are times when Tom Brady seems unbeatable now. What if he was also super elusive and instinctively athletic?
Also, just to mention it: Brandon Weeden was selected 53 picks ahead of Russell Wilson in the 2012 NFL Draft.
I’ve had enough. I gotta get away from this hippie guy. He is still babbling, and I’m getting sick of his fucking voice. I’m a patient man, but it’s non-stop, and I long for the peace and comfort of sitting next to your average Redskins fan. I move to the other side of the bar. Within two minutes, hippie dickwad has slid down into my old seat. I’m so glad I drilled a bunch of farts into it before I left. I hope the stink sticks to his beard for the next eight days.
The second half is Marshawn Lynch’s time. Aside from the goal line fumble, I mean. He makes up for it with a 27-yard rampage through the defense that ends in the painted grass. Great run, and the two point conversion puts the Seahawks up by a full 7. The Redskins need an offensive resurrection, quickly.
And they’re not going to get it, because Robert Griffin III’s knee is now jelly. Oh man, this is bad. Bob gets a low snap in the shotgun, and tries to recover it, but his knee tells him, “No, we’re just going to lay down right now.” A total non-contact injury. This is unfortunate. NICE GOING, DR. JAMES ANDREWS, YOU FUCKING QUACK.
Sorry. Dr. Andrews was probably 0% at fault there, but I’m looking for someone to blame.
The bigger immediate problem for the Redskins is that Seattle recovered that fumble. They can’t get a touchdown, but they do get a field goal, which makes the lead 10, and the Redskins aren’t getting that back. Let’s just skip the rest of the game ‒ from here on out, this happened, then that happened, then something else happened, and the score stayed the same until the whistle blew.
So, the question of the day: Should we light Mike Shanahan on fire for what he did to our precious RGIII? Let me put myself in the shoes of a Redskins fan for a second.
JOHNNY RIGGINS IS THE TUFFEST SUMBITCH TO EVER WALK THIS EARTH AND THE ‘SKINS IS THE ODDS-ON FAVRITS TO WIN THE NEXT NINE SUPER BOWLS. I SURE WISH IT WAS MEDICALLY POSSIBLE FOR JOE GIBBS TO IMPREGNATE ME. QUIT YOUR BITCHIN’, INJUNS! GREASEMAN FOREVER!
Now, let me keep my Redskins Crocs on for another minute to discuss what happened in Sunday’s game. I’d bear no ill will toward Shanny. He’s supposed to yank the best rookie quarterback in NFL history out of a playoff game, to save him for some future playoff game that may or may not happen? No way. The playoffs are the reason we’re all here. Championships. That’s the end game to all of this. If Shanahan feels RGIII gives them the best chance to win, and he’s willing to play, then he plays. Nothing else is relevant.
Honestly, what are we saving him for? Sure, we’d love to have a healthy RGIII for playoff runs that might happen in 2016, 2017, 2018, and 2019. But you know what? We have a playoff run that is happening, right now. You don’t know if you’ll ever be back here. Take your best crack at it. And if he gets hurt, there’s an offseason. There’s surgery. Adrian Peterson made the best of it.
Now, if your criticism is that a healthy Kirk Cousins gave the team a better chance to win than an injured RGIII, that, I wouldn’t argue with. I’m not saying you’re right, but if that’s your opinion, fine. I can buy that. What I don’t buy, though, is “RGIII’s knee is banged up, so let’s keep him hermetically sealed until he’s perfectly healthy and we’re back in the playoffs”. Now is what matters.
That’s how I feel about it. Chances are, you’ll come across some other folks discussing it on Monday.
Since we’ve come this far, I’ll be rooting for the Packers to beat the 49ers, and the Seahawks to upset the Falcons on the road, so we have a chance to right that little wrong that happened in week three. See you next week when the heavyweights come out.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.