The Taiwanese animators are taking on the age-old conflict of Super Bowl commercials versus the Puppy Bowl. It’s not really that much of a conflict since the Puppy Bowl airs before the Super Bowl, but whatevs. It got Next Media Animation to make a video. [Stefon voice] This video has everything. Ravens doing curls with the decapitated heads of Patriots, sexy mummies, tiny Darth Vader getting hit by a car, house pets killing people, some Illuminati imagery for Beyonce, and a Maoist panda riding a motorcycle for some reason.

— Chris Culliver apologized for his comments about not welcoming a gay teammate by saying that derogatory statement was a reflection of the thoughts in his head, but not how he feels. So he still hears gay-bashing in his head, but his heart says gays are okay? People need to leave Te’o alone and figure out what’s going with this dude.

— Discussing the Culliver comments on ESPN, Mike Ditka called homosexuality “a choice you tolerate.” And who said football wasn’t a bastion of understanding?

— Donald Driver announced his retirement from the NFL today, which is sad. He announced it on “Mike and Mike”, which is far sadder.

— You can buy Greg Jennings’ house outside Green Bay for $525,000, which isn’t a ton of money in some parts of the country. I’m sure it isn’t exactly a fortune in Wisconsin, either. Anyway, I’m sure once John Kuhn sells his house, it’s going for minimum $5 million, regardless of size and amenities.

— Drunk Niners fan in New Orleans picked the wrong news correspondent to interrupt.

— Michael Crabtree said he and Wes Welker once got into it when they were at Texas Tech. Phil Simms says that’s a fight Welker wins 100 times out of 100.

— A five-year veteran of the Ravens cheerleading squad is retiring after this season, but wasn’t invited to go to the Super Bowl, in part because the rules state that teams aren’t allowed to bring their entire cheerleading squad. So I guess she kind of sucks as cheering. Nevertheless, some people are upset about this. WHAT OF THE COURTNEY LENZ FAREWELL TOUR?

— J.J. Watt has a child bride. I believe this is a roundabout way of asking for a trade to the Titans.

— A longform piece on the history of prop bets at the Super Bowl. $50 says you won’t finish it before kickoff on Sunday.

— The Houston Texans went to a fancy steakhouse a couple times this season, once deposited $11,000 in cash on the table, while one player ordered a $600 steak well-done. Might as well just light the cash on fire.