Ufford’s down in New Orleans covering the Super Bowl this week and eating crawfish, so I’m filling in on mailbag duty. We’ve got casual sex, not so casual sex, no sex, wedding stuff, still working on saying “I love you” in a relationship, varied threesomes, implants, lots of Drew Brees mentions and more.

After weeks of thin mailbags, this one reads like War and Peace. Let’s not waste any more time and get this started. 

Long time, first time. 

Football first, no question.  Fantasy football is too far away.  Instead, here is hoping that Stabby breaks his leg in the first quarter of the Superbowl.

I approve of this wish and therefore am willing to look past the fact you typed “Superbowl” and not “Super Bowl” despite the fact you sent this email to a football blog. Let’s hope it’s a nod to this post.

Sex.  I know you have handled a million “threesome questions,” so here is number 1,000,001.  I randomly met this girl, who is very attractive, great body, and comes off as normal. I have known her for about a month.  She recently asked me if I would want to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend.  I am a guy.  I am single.  I am straight.  Have I ever sexually touched another guy? FARRRRR FROM IT! (trademark pending – Te’o).  She told me she wants to be with two guys, and her bf is cool with it because he is “kinda-bi.” He is not into kissing or any guy on guy penetration.  So, I really want to bang this girl.  I don’t work with her and if things go wrong, there should not be any fall out.  Am I crazy for considering this?

Thanks for always making my Thursdays more enjoyable.

- Not “Kinda-bi.”

Are you crazy for considering it? No. Going through with it? That’s a different story.

You’re really only hearing what her boyfriend desires and likes from her, which means you’re only hearing secondhand what he wants out of the arrangement. Some guys really just want to see their partners with another man, some guys really want to share their girlfriends, some guys may not know what they want until they’re in the moment. You’ve only known this girl for a month, ask yourself if you really want to risk putting yourself into a situation you may not be comfortable with if the perimeters change once you’re in the ring with pretty much strangers. What I can offer about threesomes is this: It takes a lot of trust. No matter the arrangement of partners, it takes a lot of trust between everyone involved. Ask yourself if you have that before going any further.

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Sex: I’ll try to be brief. My wife and I just had a daughter 5 months ago. Unfortunately, we haven’t had sex in about 6 months. I have tried everything I can think of: date night, jewelry, flowers, massages, foot rubs, cleaning the house, alone time from the baby, etc, Her problem is she’s constantly tired from staying up with the baby and she’s scared it’s going to hurt a lot. I can’t really help her get more sleep; because, I sleep like a rock and can only wake up if my wife shakes me or the baby has been screaming for a couple of minutes. I’m completely out of ideas. Any help would be great.
Jackmerius Tacktheritrix

Since I have never had a baby, I discreetly asked a few of my female friends who have had children if they could offer any advice. This is what they came back with:

Yeah, can’t say I’m going to be much help with this one.  One thing I can say for sure is that it’s not going to hurt 5 months after delivery.  As for getting in the mood again, when you find the secret potion I’ll be the first to buy.

The tired thing is totally legit.  Most times (even now) I’d opt for sleep over sex in a second.  Seriously, sleep has become such a precious commodity these days that it almost feels indulgent to get 8 hours.  The only suggestion I have for this guy is to leave baby with the grandparents for a weekend, get away somewhere and let wifey catch some quality zzzs.  8 hours uninterrupted, a cute B&B and breakfast in bed would do wonders to get me in the mood.

B&B is cute, but may I also suggest a hotel, mostly because B&B’s don’t offer a lot of privacy and if you’re looking to re-ignite things after six months, you might not want the lady making muffins downstairs at 5am to hear you. (But that’s just me.)

But in all seriousness, it’s not uncommon for there to be a dry spell that first year. The extreme fatigue and hormones effect sex drive and if it’s been that long, I’m sure there’s some anxiety about it. I think the worse thing he can do is make an ‘issue’ out of it. It will put more pressure on her and I’m sure she feels like she’s barely keeping her head above water. If they have the opportunity for a date night, where they can actually see themselves as a couple, and not two tired slogs on the couch, that could help her feel more “normal”. I takes awhile for a new mom to feel like a sexual being, that’s just the reality for most couples.

Hope this helps, I’d write more but i have a two year old pulling my pants down.

She brings up a good point. Seeing yourself as a couple and not just these two people who have to care for this screaming beast has to be important for sexual attraction.

Hi! There is probably not a lot of sex advice I can give but I totally know the answer to this one – lube. I also was scared it was going to hurt – I had a 3rd degree vaginal tear. That baby (and the forceps) ripped through the muscle (not to be too gross). I had heard all the horror stories about how it was going to hurt and got some warming lube from Target and we used approximately half the bottle. It didn’t hurt at all AND as a bonus we both enjoyed the extra lube. And it was really great to have sex again. I joked that my ob/gyn gave me a new vagina that was better than the old one. Good luck! Cleaning the house is important, too.

If Target doesn’t seem romantic, maybe scout out a local couples adult shop to visit with your wife to look for a special lubricant. (And yes, shopping specifically for lube can be romantic because you’re not throwing it in the bin with something that might remind you of housework.) Here in LA at The Pleasure Chest, they actually have the lubricants, lotions and such in a non-threatening front part of the store, so if you just want a bottle of something you don’t have to deal with the wall of hardcore porn DVDs and whole arm dildos in the back. Again, you want her to feel as comfortable and non-pressured as possible.

Childbirth sounds pretty awful though. I used to joke I wasn’t having a baby until it could be delivered by a stork. I need to update that joke to be delivered by Seamless.

First up, they’re totally normal.  Some quick tips…

[Redacted] doesn’t wake up either. Dad should try setting an alarm for the times the baby is usually awake at night (Mom will know). Play a video game or catch up on Instagram until the baby wakes up for a feeding.

Open communication & a little planning can go a long way. Mom can try taking Tylenol a little before sex & having lube handy (breastfeeding can cause dryness). Dad should be gentle and promise to stop and explore other ways if being affectionate if Mom gets uncomfortable.  There are lots of ways of being intimate beyond intercourse! If Mom is breastfeeding, he should also ask of she minds her breasts being touched, as some women don’t want to mix up sex & feeding baby.

That alarm clock thing sounds pretty smart if your baby is not sleeping through the night.

My friend’s suggestion of Tylenol reminded me of a similar situation I was in last summer after I had surgery. Because of the type of surgery I had, I wasn’t allowed to have sex for about a month beforehand and then for six weeks after the procedure. By the time I got the all clear from my doctor, I actually was a little hung-up over the idea of sex because during the time immediately around my surgery, my poor husband had seen me in a horrible state involving my very lady-ness. It wasn’t very pretty and the last thing I felt was sexy. So I did the irresponsible thing to get past my own inhibition; glass of champagne and one of the leftover Vicodins from the surgery. If your wife is breastfeeding, it’s probably not a great idea to dip into your stash of opioids, but some wine and a “pump and dump” might go a long way to relax her and at the very least, get some sleep and hopefully recharge enough for you two to get back at it.

Just make sure to set a baby alarm for yourself so she can get some sleep. Best of luck.

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Long Time Reader,Only have a fantasy question and it’s dumb.

I am the commissioner of an ESPN league. We have two keepers. How in the hell do I change what you give up for a keeper? I’ve scoured the site, I’ve googled, and nothing. ESPN makes you give up your first and 2nd round draft picks for keepers and that pretty much takes all the fun out of keepers.

That is dumb. I only play in CBS and Yahoo leagues these days, so maybe someone can help you the comments.

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What’s up Wodiliscious,

Not much. Typing these answers and watching “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” at 2 AM. Why didn’t anyone tell me Vincent D’Onofrio was so hot in this show sooner? (Early episodes, but I do have a soft spot for puffy D’Onofrio too.)

FF: Let me start by saying I botched my drafts by being a bit over-reliant on the 2nd tier WRs, in one league I didn’t even pick a WR until the 5th round in the other I was 6-1 at one point, made some trades to optimize playoff performance and lost 6 straight to miss the playoffs (and yes, I would have smoked everyone in the playoffs). One thing I noticed this year though was that the usefulness of KUBIAK (trusting you know how to create a link) was way down this year? I typically use it as an initial ranking but still use my gut and own analysis to decide which guys to pick. While this method worked wonders in years past, this particular year it seemed like everyone had access to it and there were no 5th or 7th round low-beta (low risk) sleepers to be had. Also,  I’m in a sports blogger league (actually I have a suspicion you are in it as well) and I think half the drafter’s were using it. Are their any other numerical analytics you use in your draft prep? Sorry, hard to come up with fantasy questions in the off-season.

I think the mystical fantasy “sleeper” pick is dead for the reasons you already mentioned; everyone has access to much more statistical data that even if they don’t understand it, there are a thousand sites that sift through that information for you. Anyone with half a brain can come up with a decent list of players they want through at least the first eight or nine rounds and after that, it’s a crap shoot anyway, especially with the rise of running back platoons, the value of tight ends, scrambling quarterbacks. Waiting on receivers is going to burn you every time though.

SEX: Sorry I don’t have any specific questions really but here are 3 things going on in my sex life now that you might care to comment on. Feel free to edit as you see fit.Firstly, I’m actually at a great point in my sex/relationship life now. I want to meet the eventual life-mate but am in no hurry. I’m 30 and make decent money while living abroad and am focused on paying off my enormous student loans so really it’s not like I could afford a mortgage or even children anytime in the next 3 – 4 years but if the right girl came along I would jump at it.

Got it. Free agent, but not not looking.

At the same time, I was a late bloomer sexually and am really coming into my own with not just picking up girls but keeping them. Why lie? My dick doesn’t work after even just a few drinks with new pussy usually so after a dozen embarrassing encounters over the past 10 years or so I’ve finally learned to not take strange home that I’m not going to be able to hump properly. I’ve developed a good MO of being charming, aggressive and sexual the first night and then inviting them to have dinner at my place to close things on another occasion.<

This happens to many men. At least you don’t try to make it happen.

What has been more problematic of late is that I have a borderline sociopathological need to get girls to fall for me probably related to the plentiful “unjust” rejection I experienced from 15 – 25 and because it’s far more interesting and challenging than just trying to get them to tongue your balls. I’ve bragged to female friends of mine that I’ve made half the women I’ve slept with since 25 cry.

That actually doesn’t sound like a good thing. Involuntary tears that sometimes occur after a really good orgasm? Crying because you broke their hearts? This needs a bit of clarification. From what you’ve described though it sounds like you’re breaking hearts, and frankly, that’s just mean. You’re getting tears out of the women who didn’t reject you, which hardly seems fair.

However twice in the last 6 months I’ve gone out with a girl who actually had potential but I pried a bit too deep into her issues from the get-go and we skipped right over the 3 – 6 weeks of glorious sexual exploration into “you are the only one who understands me”. I have horrible self-control and willpower and it is just really hard to not pry though when you are on the 2nd or 3rd bottle of wine on  the patio or laying around bed post-coitus.

It’s okay not to get a complete history on someone within in the first month or so, especially if you’re just feeling out the situation. No wonder these women are crying, you’re getting them to bare their souls and then it doesn’t work out, they’re feeling exposed.

I will also admit that I wish that they would pry into my issues more as I’ve got plenty of pain to exorcise from the time of my last serious relationship.

It’s not your next girlfriend’s job to fix your last girlfriend’s mess. Sympathy and empathy, yes, but you cannot expect them to pry you open like a pistachio hoping to find pain inside. As far as they know, you’re just this guy not carrying around any pain.<\

Wait, this is almost exactly like this week’s episode of “The New Girl”. Are you Schmidt?

I guess one solution would be to hang out with other friends instead just being all “romantic” (also known as cheap but don’t tell the ladies).

We actually already know this ploy.

This is a bit problematic though as I hate most people and living in a non-English speaking place it’s always tough to find the right mix of language abilities.I worked hard to learn a second language and I don’t want to listen to some asshat stumble through shit and dumb down the conversation nor do I want to be the worst speaker in the group and not given a chance to shine. Really those are all just excuses though as it really boils down to I like to spend 1 on 1 time with people even my good buddies.

Well, you have to decide what you want. Do you want casual relationships where no one is crying but no one is prying to deep either, or do you want to keep looking for an intimate relationship?

Secondly, my best friend and I have a blast down here bromancing with the bottles and then attempting to shame one another while casually harassing women. A typical evening begins with 2 or 3 hours of drinking at my place and then we go to the bar. Once at the bar, we keep drinking until some interesting women show up and then we run more or less he same game as always (here’s a simple and effective openers for you young’ns, “One of us is an extraterrestrial- can you tell which one?”).

Oh good lord. By young’ns, you mean high schoolers?

Unlike most of my single friends, he keeps a cool head about things and doesn’t try too hard which is refreshing (I was hanging out with my younger brother over the holidays and my god he was so annoying and aggressive about women it was exhausting). Also, we typically have different tastes in women as he prefers the 10-year old boy ass while I love me some Alexis Texas.The not-so-good effect of this though is that he wins the lion’s share of the women. He’s a good looking guy for sure but I’ve never lost so many head-to-heads. Granted, I defer too easily as I don’t really care 95% of the time but the pattern is troubling and admittedly once in a while it digs a bit (just my ego but a healthy ego is important for a single man). I’ve told him when it does but really don’t blame him at all as body language don’t lie and if the girl prefers him then so be it. It is also frustrating that he rarely takes the girls home or even calls them but loves to stick his tongue down their throat like a drunken fool. Any suggestions? None of this is so serious that it is worth damaging the friendship or even removing the fun from our nights out as most of the time it is totally awesome just to make asses out of ourselves and each other.

Really, you are exactly like Schmidt on “The New Girl” and I cannot believe this is real. Of course your ego is going to be hurt playing this game. Even if you win this game of who can do better, is it really worth potentially upsetting your friend? Maybe he won’t take it as “well” as you do.

My advice is to stop playing this game and talk to women as non-alien lifeforms.

Finally, I think I have a legit chance at a threesome in the near future. I met this ‘lesbian’ couple (both femme lesbians- one petit morrocha and one rounder blonde) a couple weeks ago and we hit it off. Both were superfun girls and were all about setting me up with straight friends of theirs. The petite one was giving me serious fuck-me eyes from the get-go and they would from time to time do the whisper-giggle thing and then look at me, eventually the blonde was giving me the dilated pupils as well. While it was a boozy evening, I don’t think I’m misreading this or was just being played for attention given my temporarily euphoric and inflated sense of awesomeness and they texted em the next day to see when I could hang out. Was this just a drunken opportunity? Did I miss my chance? How do I approach this? I have to wait for one of them to touch me right? Can I invite them to drink at my place and assume that if they accept then it’s within the realm of possible? I’m envisioning at some point just plopping down in-between them, putting my arms around both of them and then what? Would love some dos and don’ts from the kommentariat…

No, you did not miss out on anything. Do not wait for anyone to touch you. This fantasy of sitting between two lesbians and them both wanting to make out with you is not real, even if they are “femme” as you describe them. In the great sexual spectrum, there are lesbian women who sometimes like to fool around with guys, but that doesn’t mean her partner is into it. If they truly want to have a threesome with you, they will let you know in very clear terms, but don’t just think you can move in on their relationship. That’s presumptive and gross.

Keep up the good work,
2nd best is pretty great

I’m sending you my Jameson bill. Stop bragging that you make girls cry, it makes you sound awful.

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I’ll keep this remotely short. I’m 26, been single for almost 4 years, mostly by choice but a time machine would totally kick ass. Anyways, started dating someone a few weeks ago, shes the same age as me, kicks ass, outstanding in bed, but…….shes got a kid. I’ve never dated a mother, I’m down with having kids in a few years I guess, but her son is 4. She shares time with the ex husband so only has the kid every other weekend. I’m most likely overthinking all this, but how (if at all) should I let this effect the way things progress between the two of us? 
 
Sincerely,
Super F Duper

Only she can say what she expects out of a relationship and what she expects out of you in regards to how you handle her son. If you’re really not ready to have a kid around — even only every other weekend — then you shouldn’t drag it out. But if you’re cool with the kid and you like this woman, see where it goes. You’ve only been dating a few weeks, so it’s hard to say how attached everyone is already, but if it looks like it’s getting serious, you should be prepared to answer her questions about how you feel about having a child around beyond the opening pleasantries.

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Football first : Any advice on how to draft a team well to get over the Atlanta Falcons type playoff chokejobs? Each of the past few years I’ve drafted a solid team, but I have never been able to make it to the “Super Bowl” of Fantasy Football. I always make the playoffs, but it seems that somewhere in between my team does a massive George W on a pretzel imitation and leaves me short of the money. Typically, my strategy involves drafting a Tier 1 quarterback with my first pick, based on the fact that in most fantasy leagues (mine included), quarterbacks will always be the points leaders, and having more points is generally consistent with winning games. Mainly, my question is, is the talent gap between a first round and a second round quarterback larger than the talent gap between a first round and a second round running back in a standard 12 person league, given the sixth pick of a snaking draft? Also, somewhat related, is Sean Payton returning for the full season next year make Drew Brees a lock for the number one fantasy quarterback next season, or will dynamic QBs like Kaepernick and RG3 unseat pure passers in fantasy value?

I will never understand the logic picking a quarterback in the first round, it goes against everything I’ve ever been taught or learned about playing fantasy football. I’d much rather nail down a good WR (used to say RB, but again, platoons), in the first round than a quarterback, or even second round.

As far as Brees/Kaepernick/RGIII, it depends on your league’s scoring system. Some leagues weigh rushing yards either too heavy or too light against passing yards, so I’d base my pick on if your commish has fiddled with the standard settings. Personally, as exciting as it is watching Kaep and RGIII play, I’d have nightmares about them being my fantasy quarterback just for the injury potential down the line.

Sex(not really) Second: 
I’m in my early 20s, and my father, after my mother passing away almost five years ago, has finally returned to the dating scene and is now betrothed to another woman. I like my future stepmother great and all, the only thing that I’m worrying about is the wedding. They are planning to get married at the end of April, at the college that my father and deceased mother attended, which happens to be the same one my sister graduated from and that I dropped out from. I feel like 1) A college is a strange place to get married at 2) I’m a little unsure why they chose this place because it is more than 45 minutes away from where they live and 3)……I honestly don’t want to attend a wedding ceremony at the college that I cut and run from that has multiple ex-girlfriends and people I would rather not want to bump into at. I voiced my concerns to my father, saying that obviously because it’s their day they can do whatever they want and I’ll show up and be happy for them. He said that since April is obviously three months away, that this is just talk for now, and nothing is set in stone, but it seems like that this college is the place they are favoring the most. Unfortunately, it’s not a large campus or student body (3,000 students ballpark), and it’s a dry campus so showing up a little tipsy isn’t even an option, not to mention my half hour drive there. Because it’s their special day, I have no choice but to man up and go no matter what might happen. That being said, is there any advice you would have for me as to how to ease my suffering best, should the “worst case” scenario happen? So far, at the top of my list is “bring a hot/fun date” and that could potentially solve all my problems, but the more suggestions the better. 

Sincerely,
Jon 117

Worrying about running into someone you don’t want to see is actually worse than running into that person and thinking about the “worst case” scenario is just going to stress you out for something that may not even happen. It’s not like your ex-girlfriends are going to be at the actual wedding. So you maybe see someone from afar. Make a point of volunteering to do a lot to help out your dad, so if you do happen to run into someone, you can keep walking and say, “Hey, sorry, love to catch up by I have to get these programs to the chapel” or “Oh yeah, hi. Good to see you, hope you don’t mind if I can’t chat, I’ve got a wedding thing.” Your dad will appreciate the help, you can stay occupied.

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I have no football question. I fail. So, to make up for it, I give you the glorious KUBoobs twitter feed (https://twitter.com/KUboobs). I hate KU with a passion, but boobs are great. Plus, they started the trend and now damn near every college has a boob twitter feed.  I miss college.

Boobs are pretty great.

However, I do have a “sex” question – although it’s more relationship than sex. Getting married this summer and trying to stay sane. My wonderful fiancee is nowhere near a Bridezilla, and things are going well. That said, we’re starting to get into the stages of planning where we’re discussing things like “napkin color” and “streamers or balloons for decorations at the reception”. How do I help her with this without either wanting to kill myself or having her want to kill me? Is this something where I just faux interest in them or is there a way to tell her “I honestly just want you to be happy”?

Sincerely,
Counting the Days Until the Honeymoon

Have some interest. When my husband and I planned our wedding, I knew there were moments when he tuned out when we discussed invitation colors and such, but this has to be something you do together or then she’s just a crazy lady throwing a party and that stinks. You don’t want your bride to feel alone in this. Instead of saying, “I just want you to be happy” say things like, “You’re doing so much for this wedding, I don’t want you wear yourself out with all this planning” or “You have such good taste, I trust your judgement. If  it were up to me, we’d put out rolls of paper towels.”

Wedding planning can be a drag though, so make sure you at least have some fun doing it. It Saturday afternoon is napkin picking time, make Saturday night beer and scotch tasting night for groomsmen gifts or shopping for your wedding bar. If Tuesday night is centerpiece discussions, make Wednesday night music planning.

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How are you guys doing? Let’s start off with the goodies. In lieu of any football questions, here’s one of my favorite girls to stare at. Not as scantily clad as you’re used to, but if you’ve ever seen Suits, you’ll approve.

I like her shoes and she has very nice upper arm development.

Now onto the good stuff, relationships. In my case, lack of.

It pretty much came to a head when my latest infatuation in not so nice terms said I came on too strong. This was after, by her own admission, an amazing and fun first date. And I turned it into shit.

This is a fairly common occurrence for me one way or the other, so I usually treat it in your patented breakup steps. Get over her, break off contact, and begin self-improvement. Problem is, nothing’s ever changed. Without trying to give too much away because I know my friends read this, there’s nothing else I can fit into my schedule in the self-improvement category. I’m in a good position career-wise right now, working on my Masters, and have completely thrown myself into all aspects of a sport for the past year which has improved myself physically in addition to growing a love of cooking from it. 

The catch is that I suffer from a completely crippling lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, self whatever else there is. Nothing I have ever done has been able to change the fact that deep down I simply feel that I’m a worthless piece of shit. I’ve tried faking it, but it never lasts long enough to elicit any kind of change. I’ve tried improving myself, but even though I love what I’m doing, my mindset inevitably falls to: “Well if I can do it, anyone can do it. Nothing special or worthwhile about me.” I’m not sure if a history of bullying throughout school, lack of a father or male presence in my life, or essentially teaching myself how the world works which has led to a completely messed up viewpoint of life has anything to do with this. Maybe it’s simply time to resort to a therapist, but I figured I’d try to contribute to the mailbag and see if anything comes of it. I’ve always been too proud, and always had the belief that I can overcome whatever the hell I need to on my own, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. This has sabotaged all my past relationships and probably most of the could’ve beens. 

I completed step two of your patented breakup steps – cut off all contact. Deleted my presence in online dating sites, Facebook, and pruned my phone and contacts to nothing but my inner circle of friends. I need to figure out how to fix me. This is reaching out to the kommentariat as much as it is to you. I’m not even sure the question I’m trying to ask though… Just like, how the fuck do you do it? What am I missing?

I don’t believe anyone should feel too proud to go therapy, nor should anyone feel like they have to fix all of their problems on their own when they’re too overwhelming. Brains are complicated, and what happens to them to make us behave how we do is a very complex study. You wouldn’t be too proud to go to a mechanic if your Ferrari was broken, nor would you be too proud to see a surgeon if your heart stopped beating. You can’t will self-esteem and self-worth into existence, it builds up over time. If you never learned how to build those layers, you should have a professional guide you through learning how to do so.

I will say you should be proud of the fact you’re in a good place career-wise and are also getting a masters. Those are two things I can most assuredly tell you not everyone can do. It what it sounds like you are missing is the ability to recognize how those positive traits figure into a better self-image. You should find a therapist you are comfortable with to help you learn how to identify what does make you special.

On a personal note, I’ve never had a friend or family member go to therapy and say, “Boy, that was a mistake.” It’s always been for the better and not the worst.

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Dear KSK,
 
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and he has no problem telling me that he likes me, wants me, misses me, etc. But when it comes to saying those 3 little words –  I love you – he won’t say it. I’ve asked him a couple of times about it and he says that he loves me, but it’s just hard for him to say it because he wasn’t raised saying it. I want to believe him and just move on because this is really my only complaint about our relationship. Unfortunately, I come from a family where we say I love you all of the time and it’s really important to me.

Last week you told a guy to just say it, but what should I do? Keep bringing it up with him and let him know how important it is for me? Or, do I just let it go and see how everything evolves over time?

Thanks for your help!
White Girl Problems

Three years?!?! Are you sure you’re really a White Girl Problems girl, because three years of not hearing “I love you” doesn’t sound anything like “My boyfriend only brings me flowers once a month” or “It’s winter and my skin is too fragile for my boyfriend to even hold my hand.”

If it is important to you and he knows it is important to you, he should at least make an effort to say it. Don’t let it go. Yet. Let him know it bothers you (again), but don’t beat him up about it. If he doesn’t at least try to say it after this next talk — separately, not when he has the flashlight pointed at him — you might be dealing with someone who has issues beyond being raised not to say those three words that as Matt pointed out last week, are not a binding contract. If after your talk you’re satisfied with why he won’t say it, you’re happy with him and you believe he loves you without those words being spoken, then you can decide if you want to let it go or not. But definitely don’t keep it in that this bothers you. Positive affirmations are important in a relationship.

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Fantasy first. The off-season is awful.

It is. I watch a lot of hockey and soccer, so that helps. Man, if the NHL lockout would have held for the whole season, I don’t know what I would have done with myself.

Sex: I wrote into a couple of months ago about dating the 31 year old (Jamie) /wanting the 25 year old (Anna). Here’s what happened (as quick as I can), then my question: I went to break up with Jamie. She convinced me we should work it out. I then went to end things the next day with Anna. Well, that failed too when I got drunk. Long story short, after failing/drinking all day with Anna and her friends, we all went to a strip club. I had Jamie pick me up from said strip club, but not before: she came in for a drink, met Anna, and then proceeded to sit with me and watch Anna go on stage in her underwear with a couple strippers grinding on her. It was…interesting. I continued dating Jamie and talking to Anna. Anna knew about Jamie, but Jamie never found out about Anna. I felt awful about it the whole time, as you predicted.

I remember this. Well, at least it wasn’t too painful of a trainwreck.

Fast forward to Sunday: Jamie breaks up with me because we are in two different places in our life, and she figured out that my friends are more important to me right now than her. I guess my question is this… does some sort of lightbulb eventually come on and going out and getting shitty with your friends becomes less interesting? I am 26, and almost none of my friends are engaged or even dating anyone. Is this a normal mid-20’s thing? Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying life, but I’m just curious if maybe I’m just lagging behind or missing something here. Maybe I just haven’t met the right girl yet?

This is a very normal mid-20s thing. Don’t ever feel that you’re lagging behind, life is not a race. Anyone I have ever known who treated it as such has ultimately be miserable, married the wrong person just to keep up (with many divorces in the wake of these marriages), stayed in jobs they hated, so forth and so on. I’d say that if you do find hanging out with your friends more important than you’re relationship, then yes, she’s not the right girl to settle down with.

As far as going out and getting shitty, some people never stop doing that, even after they’ve had gotten married and had kids. Just depends on the person, no matter what their relationship status is. They just might do it less depending on if they have diaper duty or not.

Epilogue: Dating two women is more trouble than it seems, so I apologize on not taking your advice. Just wanted to try it out. However, I have already decided that to improve myself since I just got dumped, I am going to start learning how to cook and get into better shape, so thanks for all the advice.

A-A-RON

Well, at least you learned something along the way. Cooking and getting into shape are at least fun activities to get into. Both also offer opportunities to meet potential partners.

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SEX: My wife is a B cup, and her strongest asset (hehe) is her booty. Recently, she mentioned that one of her friend’s at work got breast implants, and she was surprised at how real they looked to her. So now she’s throwing around the idea of getting a set herself. She’s thinking a full C cup.

“Yay” or “nay” on a $6000 pair of jugs.

Signed,
Rex Ryan’s Long Lost Penis

In general I’m not a fan of plastic surgery; unnecessary health risks that can lead to death, issues with long time safety, but I’ve known women who have felt much better about themselves after having implants put in. (Another double-edge sword, but if I’m going to fight to say a woman can do what she wants with her body, then it would hypocritical for me to say she shouldn’t be able to get implants.) Is $6000 a lot of money for implants? I have no idea. Seems like something you wouldn’t want to skimp on. Really, it should be up to her if she wants to do it and no one else.

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Dear Antler Spray,

Fantasy: A buddy and I have been arguing over a historical fantasy question. We turn to you because we haven’t had any luck tracking down old pre-draft fantasy rankings. Who do you think is the best value fantasy player of all time Who produced the most points relative to draft position over an extended period of time? Essentially we want to know, who is the anti-Ryan Matthews. I said Priest Holmes. He was undrafted, had low expectations going to KC and after his monster 24 touchdown year in ’02 he was undervalued going into ’03 because of his hip injury; however, he would then score 27 touchdowns and have over 2000 yards from scrimmage. My buddy argues that it’s Gronk because he had an unpredicted breakout season, was then undervalued because of the injury (which he predicts again) and as a tight end is inherently better value than a running back. My buddy is also a filthy masshole who has spent entire games justifying Brady endorsing Ugz,
so please tell me that even if I’m not right, he’s full of shit.

I have no idea, but I am fairly confident the answer is not Gronkowski. Gronk went from 500 some yards to 1300 some yard between year one and two, not shabby but not the end all be all of breakout seasons.

Sex: I pre-apologize for the length of this. Two years ago I was with a girl who got pregnant. I loved her and wanted to marry her, so despite it being unplanned I was excited. We’re both adults with good jobs, so we weren’t candidates for any shitty MTV shows, we were two mature adults in love and perfectly able to provide for each other and the kid. We were both happy when we got the news and enjoyed starting to think about the wedding and having a kid together. It didn’t last long. Her mother was an unforgivable thunder cunt about the whole thing, basically saying that she didn’t think we’d work out and wouldn’t help with the baby and started to talk to my girlfriend about having an abortion. Like an idiot I pointed out how awful her mother was, and between that and having a really hard time with the pregnancy my girlfriend became severely depressed and had an abortion.

I tried to get over it and we stayed together for several months, but I just couldn’t seem to forgive her and I was constantly thinking about it. It’s impossible to avoid babies, they are freaking everywhere. Everyone is having them, they are in half of all commercials and tv shows and every time I saw one I’d feel like shit, I still do. I broke up with her because I couldn’t get over it. Since then not only am I still fucked up about the baby, but I’m still obsessed with this girl who, despite breaking my heart, I was absurdly in love with her and wanted to marry her. Now it’s two years since the abortion and 1.5 since we broke up and I can’t get over either one.

Apart from that life is good. I don’t have trouble meeting girls, I just don’t have any feelings for them once I do. I have a good job, I keep busy, I’m in good shape. In short, I’ve followed the advice you usually give to people in similar situations. So what the hell do I do? I’m going crazy being obsessed with a woman I simultaneously hate and love and who isn’t a part of my life. Reconciliation isn’t an option, and I just can’t seem to put her behind me. So apart from drinking myself to sleep every night, what the hell do I do?

Chris Culliver’s Gay Lover

It’s natural to obsess over situations where we didn’t have control over the outcome, and this was especially powerful one where you ended up being just the passenger on a pretty awful ride. Once you’ve fallen into the trap of wondering what might have been all the time, nothing else in reality is going to come close to this imaginary future you have pictured if this possible-mother-in-law hadn’t butted in and it’s going to keep undermining current relationships.

It’s been two years and you cannot put this awful experience behind you, it might be time to go talk to a professional on how you can learn to get past this. As I said to the previous mailbag writer, the brain is a powerful, complicated part of our bodies (and many times our worst enemy). Talking to therapist is a good start to getting control of your brain back.

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Dear I Miss Your Warming Glow,

Sure Uff appreciates that.

Football: Wouldn’t it be great if Super Bowl coverage was actually about the game and not always some soap opera.

Yes, but now we at least get to make fun of antler piss or something.

Fantasy Football: I play in a keeper league where you can keep two players in the round you draft them in, with only 1 keeper between rounds 1 – 3 and one or both between rounds 4-16. The catch is you can only keep a player for 3 years. Based on their injuries, is it worth keeping RGIII (round 7) and Gronkowski (round 15) – I originally drafted Gronkowski 2 years ago, so have 1 year left. Another option would be to keep Brees (round 2) – this would be my last year to keep him. (So…I had both Brees & RGIII on my team last year).

I’d stay with Brees, but I play it safe in fantasy football. I don’t care what the guy with the Ugg boots in the last letter says, a second break point on Gronk’s arm is problematic.

Puppy Bowl: laying out bets for Fitz to take the MVP

The picture didn’t come through, but I am sure it was a cute puppy.

Sexy Time: Story is that I know a girl from mutual friends. We both used to live in the NYC area and for a few years now she’s been living on the west coast. Never that particularly close, could probably count the number of times we’ve hung out. We re-connected at a wedding back in the summer where she admitted she used to have a crush on me, but she was advised from our mutual friends against doing anything about it. Truth be told, that was good advice…I’m not attracted to her (I’m guessing my friends could tell) plus I wasn’t the boyfriend material I am now.

Where were these friends all the times I confessed feelings to guys not in the right place/turned out to be crappy boyfriends?

About a month ago she came back to visit, her family still lives here and she still has plenty of friends out here. While in New York, she contacted me about catching up. We met for drinks, had dinner, then had consenting sex. Thought being, what the hell…who am I to turn down sex. Plus we’re both adults and well aware we live on opposite sides of the country so no illusions about it being anything more (I assumed).

Don’t assume. You know she had feelings for you previously to this.

A few days later she sent me a text telling me when she’ll be coming back and trying to set a date to meet. The trips by themselves are nothing out of the ordinary – she travels for work, her family lives here. Over this time she also sent me a text telling me she thought about me at midnight on New Year’s. I’m not sure if it was an innocent/flirty message or something more behind it. So….I’m fine with keeping the sex train going when she’s in town as long as she’s not expecting more. But, is there a nice way of saying “Are you fine with being a slam piece that I’m willing to have sex with because you will be on a plane within the next 24-48 hours?” I guess “slam piece” wouldn’t be the delicate term I’d want to use, but consort sounds so dated.
Signed,
Not The Worst Problem

Be honest and soon. If she’s seeing on these trips (and having family nearby is going to be a handy excuse for her to say she would want to move back) and says she’s thinking of you when she’s not with you, she still has feelings for you and is probably trying to gauge where you are at with your feelings towards her. Is she dating anyone back on the West Coast, or is she saving it all up for you? If it’s the latter, you need to let her know you don’t think this relationship — as casual as it is — is not going to lead to anything more than what it is now before she gets too invested in it. Casual hookup relationships only work if BOTH people know they are only casual hookup relationships. Does this mean you might lose your casual thing, yes. Upside? Avoiding tears later.

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Hey Ufford, (before your youtube videos I pronounced your name “you-ford”)

Hmm. Long u after a double consonant? That would be weird.

Keeper question: Finished 3rd in my 12 team league so I will be drafting 10th each round. (No snaking, since this will be the first year we have keepers and we want to keep it ‘realistic’). I can keep up to 3, costs a pick in the round you drafted them.

Realistic? This is fantasy football. It’s not going to be real. As a matter of fact, part of why fantasy football is fun is that it’s better designed than the real draft process.

I’m pretty set on keeping Brandon Marshall (3rd round) and Demaryuis Thomas (5th round).

For my last keeper, I’m not sure if I should go with Drew Brees in the first round (10th overall pick) or Jamaal Charles in the second round (32nd overall pick). Other possibilities are Jacquizz in the 10th or Lawfirm in the 6th.

I like the idea of Brees (man he’s all over the mailbag this week), but Jamaal Charles could really have a good year now that he has a real coach.

Sex question: Honeymoon in Vegas coming up this summer. Ever been? Any suggestions on must do’s/ shows to see?

Thanks, Gord.

More times than I can count, and it’s a slightly different every six months. Since it’s going to be summer and hot, make sure you pick a hotel with a pool scene you’re going to like; (classy at Bellagio, Wynn; loud at the Hard Rock), because it’s going to make a difference in your stay. We always look into what all the nice high-end restaurants do for happy hour and even late-night happy hour. Great way to try somewhere fancy without breaking the bank. Michael Mina’s Nobhill Tavern in the MGM has a great one, as does the place on top of the Mandarin which I am forgetting the name of, the duck blue corn quesadilla’s at Bobby Flay’s Mesa are worth your time for their happy hour.

We never go to shows, just drink, eat and gamble so I am afraid I cannot be of any help there. Maybe some the kommeriat can help you out with show recommendations.

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CONFIDENTIAL TO LT. CONFUSED: Your question is best handled by Ufford with your similar military backgrounds so he’ll help you out next week when he’s back in NYC.