Many of you have wondered about the infrequent mailbags since the end of the fantasy season. The reason is simple: the mailbag cannot exist without emails from readers. So hey: email us your questions about sex, relationships, and/or fantasy football. I try to make some headway on the mailbag on Wednesday nights, so emails sent on Wednesday afternoon or evening (or earlier in the week) are more likely to be featured than those that show up in the mailbox on Thursday afternoon. I hope to hear from you, unless everything’s peachy-keen in your life, in which case: good for you, Mr. Tom Brady.

On to your questions:

Dear KSK,
I work at a small company (about 20 people) & I have been seeing someone who I work with for about six months but I think it is time to end it for various reasons. How do I approach the situation? Through some sloppy maneuvering at the company Christmas party on my part it is now known we are an item. Do I just have to find a new job or marry this person? Do I quit and become a stereotype of the failed policies of Barack HUSSEIN Obama?
-Anonymous

You bite the bullet and break up with her the same way you’d break up with anyone else. Then you go to work and live with the awkwardness and/or drama of working in close proximity to your new ex-girlfriend. That is your penance for dating a co-worker. Remember it, and let it serve as a reminder not to date people you work with.

Friendly reminder: for those of us without trust funds, there is nothing in life more important than our source of income, typically known as a “job.” There are BILLIONS of women on the planet who do not work at your company. Try to date one of them.

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Mr. Ufford,
Since I have no fantasy question, and my sex question isn’t even really about sex, I’ve attached 2 pictures of Australian swimsuit model Ellie Gonsalves for my penance. I hope they are an acceptable replacement.


I would say that they are.

Sex-But-Not-Really: There are 2 wildly different questions weighing on my mind. My best friend from college is getting married this summer in a small ceremony, on July 4th, in the middle of the woods in Maine. On top of all that, he and his fiancee have asked me to perform the wedding ceremony, as they want a close friend who has known them both a long time to do the honors. I’ve been trying to think of what I’m going to say during the ceremony, and so far, I have less than no idea. They have given me no guidelines other than to keep it short. I’m not sure who else to ask, because no one else I know has ever done something like this. So I figured I would come to you (and the kommentariat) for any advice you might have.

My wife and I did the same: we had a mutual friend officiate our secular ceremony. A helpful book is The Wedding Ceremony Planner, which you can buy on Amazon. That gives you a good idea how to build a ceremony, and the only original thing you’ll have to write is the homily (for lack of a better word). And all that really is is a personal endorsement of their love. Tell an anecdote about how you know they love each other. Bing bang boom, wedding ceremony complete.

Also, the guest list for this wedding is small, and every time I ask my friend if there are going to be any single women invited, he just laughs and changes the subject. Bad sign?

Yep!

Thanks in advance for the help,
Rev. Leon Lonnie Love

Pro tip: you have plenty of time to find a date.

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Mr. Ufford-Caveman,

FF: How many keepers per team do you recommend and why? Our league started with just one this year, but at least two seems like the norm. Also, what are your thoughts on the cost of keepers? Draft picks, or no price for keepers? We don’t have an auction league, so that’s not a factor.

I think two is optimal, with an upper limit of three. I was in a league where you could keep up to four players, and those drafts were unbearable. It throws your perceived value for players way off, because you end up drafting 5th-round guys in the second round. Value for keepers varies by taste, but I like losing the pick one round higher than the one you drafted your keeper (so no one can keep last year’s first-rounder). Waiver pick-ups should be worth a 9th-rounder or so — it’s crap when all they cost is a 15th-rounder.

Sex: No problems here, except for no sex, which is a problem, but oh well. I do have a “relationship” question, though it’s not about sex and it’s more about the confused and ignorant state of single people (i.e. my confused and ignorant state, in particular).

Thank you, I am now sufficiently prepared for your question.

My good buddy got engaged about a year and a half ago. Since then, he and his fiancée postponed their September 2012 wedding to give themselves more time to grow as a couple and because they felt like the wedding planning – coupled with lease expirations forcing both to move back home and my buddy starting a new career, etc. – was causing too much unnecessary stress. The wedding is now set for this May, but my buddy is considering breaking it off for a variety of reasons (unhappiness, unfulfilling relationship, more stress, etc.). Though I support him in whatever path he chooses, and have told him such, what does one say or do for someone who is considering ending a once committed relationship? I feel like I can listen and ask him questions to help him better reach an understanding, but as a single person I hate giving any advice or perspective in this situation because I don’t know what he is going through. And, as a friend, I can’t help but give the Big Lebowski response (“fuck it man, let’s go bowling”…or perhaps more accurately, “let’s go to Vegas and forget all about this,” etc.). I know he needs to reach a decision on his own, and he will be upset once ending it, so how can I – or any of his friends – best help?

You don’t need to press him to talk about it. “Fuck it man, let’s go bowling” is really all you need to do — or a more realistic equivalent, like drinking beer and watching a sporting event. That’s the beauty of hanging out with dudes: you don’t need to talk about stuff. If he needs your counsel, he’ll ask for it.

Anyway, this isn’t a sex question, so I have attached a pic of Aryka Lynne as penance. She’s a Playboy girl, but airbrushed or not, I’m okay with that.

Also, personally, I, for one, look forward to the sexbag every week, and have taken your advice about becoming a better individual in the abscence of a relationship. Though no real sexy-times have happened since starting to read this column a few years ago, that’s not a problem because I still do things that make me feel good about myself and all of that fun stuff. So, keep up the good blogging (and video-ing)!
Thanks Uff,
Mousecop

Thanks! I look forward to writing the mailbag every week. So, y’know, email us, people.

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Good Sir Who Can Write Out His Thoughts Well,
First, fantasy. I’m in a long time keeper league with 14 guys. Each manager can keep two players for one off-season then that player needs to go back into the draft pool. There is no loss of picks for any of the players we keep. Standard scoring basically. Right now I want to keep Matt Ryan and Beast Mode because not only do I love everything BEEF MOE stands for, but he’s a fairly good RB. My question is on Matty Ice. His injury scares me a little bit and I picked up Kaepernick off the waiver wire. Worth it to keep Copernicus over Ryan since he adds the rushing element?

I love Ryan as a fantasy QB moving forward, but I think I’d keep Kaepernick. I can’t justify with this stats, it’s just my stupid gut feeling. I love QBs who can get you that extra 5 or 6 (or, uh, 18.1) fantasy points on the ground.

Onto sex. I’m in a very happy relationship with a great girl for a couple of years. We’re both 27. However, I think that it’s rubbing my friends the wrong way, as they see us as settling down and slowing down. (No shit.) We moved in together last year and almost all of them are single and want to “party,” which obviously we’re both down for. The issue is that it’s always “go to the bar and drink until we can’t see straight” or “Sunday Funday ALL THE TIME.” We’re getting older and I’m afraid they want to stay in college mode, but I’m more “let’s hang out and have a few beers” mode. I love spending time with them, but they never want to come over and just hang out, it’s always trying to hook up with girls and get trashed…and none of them have game with the ladies.

Are we just at different points in our lives or do I try to set them up with my girlfriend’s friends and see if they relax a little? I’m afraid of them turning into the Situation who’s like 40 and trying to hook up with 18 year olds…
Sincerely,
B-Rad is Rad

I’m going to sound old and boring here, but there’s nothing wrong with (a) having a mature relationship with someone of the opposite sex or (b) going home from the bar before last call. And if those two things happen to be related, who gives a fuck? “Oohhh, Brad, you’re so lame, always going home to have sex with your girlfriend!” You’re in a happier, healthier place than your single friends, and if they’re giving you shit for that, it’s because you “growing up” — for lack of a better term — signals the beginning of the end for your group of friends as they know it.

And you know what? That’s life, motherfuckers. We meet life partners. We move in together. We go to weddings. We hang out more with our spouses than we do with our friends. Our parties get lamer (fewer drugs, no random hookups) but have better food and conversations. People have kids and disappear entirely until other people have kids and everyone’s kids hang out while the parents drink. And it doesn’t all line up perfectly: someone is the first one to get married, someone has kids before everyone else, and if people want to stay friends, then they act like adults and understand that priorities change as we get older and start families. And frankly, life’s too short to hold it against friends for finding happiness.

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Fine sir(s),
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost two and a half years, on and off and now on again. She had shit going on after a year (dad got cancer and excessive work) and we broke off communication then were friendly after a few months and now back together as a couple for about 6 months.

The thing is, despite all this time I’ve never actually told her “I love you.” Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely do, but despite being 30 years old I’ve never actually said that to anyone. I never dated much, never really had a long relationship, and when I didn’t say something before her dad got sick I felt stupid. Then I didn’t want to say it just to try and get her back, not that it would’ve worked.

Now, despite being back together for six months I’ve kind of got a mental block. She’s as emotionally dense as I am, and I know she feels the same way and is just waiting for me. I just don’t know how to say it. The timing feels wrong or it’s not the place, excuses I know. Just not sure what the hell is wrong with me.
-Isle of Ewe

The caption for this Reuters photo taken in Indonesia is “Students hold on to the side steel bars of a collapsed bridge as they cross a river to get to school.” (via

Anywho, you were saying something about being a 30-year-old man who can’t say “I love you”…?

(Who gives a fuck, it’s three words, not a binding legal contract.)

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Hey Uff,
Hope you’re having a good year so far and sorry about the Seahawks. I rooted for them once my team was out of the playoffs.

Relationships first. I’ve been seeing a girl since right before Christmas. We’ve been out a few times, and spent the night together a few times. I have two questions from this: Do I at this point owe her an in person break up or can I just text her? We’ve only had sex twice, and haven’t really discussed where this is going, but it’s starting to feel relationship-y and I think she likes me a lot. She’s also really nice and possibly emotionally fragile so I’m afraid the breakup won’t be easy.

The breakup may not be easy, but neither is life. Doesn’t mean you get to weasel your way out of being a decent human being. If she’s really into you, you at least owe her a phone call.

The second question relates to truthiness in my planned explanation. I plan on using a variant of “I”m having fun with you right now, but this feels like it’s moving towards something more serious and I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.”

WRONG. By saying “it feels like it’s moving towards something more serious,” you leave a door open for her to say, “It doesn’t have to be more serious!” and suddenly you find yourself desperately trying to come up with a new and better reason for the break-up. So be firm. “I’m having fun, I think you’re cool, but I just don’t see this going anywhere.”

I don’t want to be in a relationship with her. I think I would be open to a relationship with the right girl, but I’m not sure (I just moved back to my city of origin which I am loving, am 25, and am trying to massively change my career/life). Let alone the feeling of being beholden to another human being. Is it normal for a guy of my age to vacillate between wanting a serious relationship where I’m on the straight and narrow and being an out of control boozehound who likes carousing with my friends and chasing random tail? 

It’s normal for a male of ANY age.

I feel like most of my friends have picked one of those two identities, at least for now. I feel like I can’t stick with either for more than a few weeks at a time.

When you meet someone you really like, that feeling of wanting to be in a relationship will last longer than a few weeks. And even if that woman happens to be Kate Upton, you’ll still have urges for other women. Your stupid reptile brain is gonna be like, “I’m tired of blonde” or “I want a rounder ass” or “she doesn’t laugh during ‘Archer’.” That’s just what our asshole male brains do. The hard part is figuring out when to the asshole male urges represent how you truly feel, or whether you just need to shut it up by watching some porn.

Fantasy question is much easier. I lost the championship to a guy who had AP as well as Romo and Dez on his team (among several other Cowboys players). He is a Cowboys fan (as am I). I voiced my view to the league that it is lame to have a bunch of players on your fantasy team that are part of your real life favorite team. Obviously the worst part is that not only did their performance in the New Orleans game defeat me in fantasy, but it wasn’t enough to secure a playoff berth for the real team. I lost twice. Anyway I think it’s a shitty team management strategy for newbies and that he just got lucky. You’d back me up on this right?
Thanks,
- Ravens tight end Ed Dickson

I’ll back you up that it’s not the best strategy. As a Seahawks fan, I avoided drafting Marshawn Lynch in three of my four leagues, because I prefer to keep my real-world football interested separate from my fantasy cheering. (Although I won the championship in the one league I had Lynch in, so maybe it IS a good policy. But I doubt it.)

However, I don’t back you up on this whole “voiced my view to the league that it’s lame blah blah blah.” That’s a preposterous thing to bitch about, especially since it’s just your sour grapes about losing the championship. Use his favoritism towards Cowboys to your advantage. Let it inform your draft strategy. Use it to leverage trades. And don’t be a whiny fantasy player. It will make everyone hate you.