Jeff Ireland: Listen, kid. I’m taking a big risk even talking to you, but I think you’re a great athletic talent who can put this mess behind you and become a star in this league. First, we gotta get a few things straight.
Manti Te’o: For the millionth time, I was duped by some people on the Internet. It was an honest mistake.
Jeff Ireland: Stop right there. Just stop. Don’t bullsh*t me, kid. I’ve literally met with thousands of athletes just like you. A lot of them think they can bullshit me with their stories. “That girl was already raped when I found her.” “It’s not my fault Florida’s drinking water has HGH in it.” “I was born mixed race. It’s not that I can’t make up my mind.” Believe me, I’ve heard them all and I can spot ‘em a mile away. So you better come clean or else we’re wasting each others’ time.
Manti Te’o: Okay. I made her up.
Jeff Ireland: There. Thank you. Now we’re getting answers. Okay… get the f*ck out of my office.
Manti Te’o: What?
Jeff Ireland: HAHAHAHAHA I’m just f*cking with you. You should’ve seen your face. This is a problem, though. You might be a decent football player, but any team that drafts you is gonna catch hell for it.
Manti Te’o: I know, but -
Jeff Ireland: Look, shut up. I can fix this. You know what this situation needs? We need to get you a REAL dead girlfriend.
Ireland: That’s right. It’s just the ticket. The media can’t say sh*t if you get another girlfriend and she dies. That’s just a crazy twist of fate. It would be cruel of them to throw it in your face.
Te’o: How am I supposed to get a girlfriend to die? I don’t wanna kill anyone.
Ireland: Oh, just rest your pretty little head. You won’t have to kill anybody. I’ve already made all the arrangements. [Presses button on phone] Hey, sweet cheeks. Send her in.
[Door flies open]
Ireland: This is Kinko. That’s her real f*ckin’ name. I ain’t even bullshittin’. I’ve seen her birth certificate. Girlfriend here has six kids, all under the age of five. More addictions than I got cars. And I got me a sh*t ton of cars, lemme tell ya. Kinko knows she’s gonna be dead in the next few years and doesn’t want the state to look after her kids. She wants them taken care of. Ain’t that right, Kinko?
Kinko: [Stares blankly at wall]
Ireland: Atta girl. And that’s we come in. I promised to take care of her kids. Make ‘em ball boys or whatever when they’re old enough. So here’s what you do: you and Kinko go out on a few dates. Cheesecake Factory, I dunno. Wherever you can take a meth head on a date and they don’t mind if she smokes up in the bathroom. Just make sure that people see you.
Te’o: I don’t know if I can do this.
Ireland: Sure you can. YOU MADE UP A DEAD GIRLFRIEND! That takes effort. This is nothing. So you two act all loverbirdy for a few months, then she overdoses or gets in a car wreck. Don’t worry, she already agreed to all this, didn’t you, darlin’?
Ireland: What an angel. Once that happens, all your problems are solved.
Te’o: This is insane.
Ireland: It sure is. Welcome to the Miami Dolphins, son.
I want more like this!
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