Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE SHOW WHERE I DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD NEW YEAR.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU DO ANYTHING FUN ON NEW YEARS EVE?

Herm: I THREW A CHALLENGE FLAG AT THE TV BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT 2012 TO END.

Jon: YOU HAD A GOOD 2012?

Herm: OBAMA GOT RE-ELECTED AND I BOUGHT A WAVERUNNER SO THINGS WERE PRETTY GOOD.

Jon: WELL LET’S HOPE 2013 IS EVEN BETTER.  YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE 2013 EVEN BETTER? A CONGRESS THAT COULD GET ITS ACT TOGETHER.  OUR NEXT GUEST, DR. NORMAN J. ORNSTEIN OF THE AMERICAN ENTERPRISE INSTITUTE IS GONNA EXPLAIN WHAT THEY’RE DOING WRONG.  WELCOME, DR. ORNSTEIN.

Norman: My pleasure , Jon.

Jon: SO TELL ME, NORM, WHAT’S WRONG WITH CONGRESS?  THEY GOT RICH KOTITE CALLING THE SHOTS OR SOMETHING?

Norman: It’s actually the fault of an increasingly radicalized Republican Party.

Jon: THESE REPUBLICANS, I CALL THEM BUDDY RYAN BECAUSE THEY FIGHT DIRTY AND STILL LOSE.   THAT JOHN BOEHNER’S GOTTA GET HIS ACT TOGETHER.

Herm: I DON’T TRUST ANYONE THE SAME COLOR AS A BASKETBALL.

Norman: Yes and his problem is that he’s in charge of a party that’s increasingly beholden to a far-right wing base that’s propped up by a media complex that profits from stoking their fears.

Jon: SOUNDS A LOT LIKE WHEN I WORKED IN PHILADELPHIA.  WIP IS BASICALLY FOX NEWS FOR GUYS WHO GET INTO FIGHTS IN THE VET PARKING LOT.

Norman: Well imagine those idiots were running the Eagles.  That’s basically what is going on with the Republican Party.

Jon: BOY, I’LL TELL YA, YOU DO NOT WANT THE GOONS IN THE 700 LEVEL CALLING THE SHOTS.  I’M WATCHING TAPE ALL DAY BECAUSE TY DETMER CAN’T READ ZONE COVERAGE AND THESE GUYS THINK THEY CAN DO MY JOB FOR ME?  NO WAY.

Norman: I’m not really sure where you’re going with this.

Herm: YOU GOTTA MAKE THE DEFENSE RESPECTS YOUR PASSING GAME AND WHEN TY DETMER IS YOUR QUARTERBACK THE DEFENSE WON’T RESPECT YOUR PASSING GAME.

Jon: THIS TY, I CALLED HIM BRIGHAM YOUNG BECAUSE HE’D RACK UP INTERCEPTIONS LIKE YOUNG RACKED UP WIVES.  AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN SOME OF THE GUYS THAT PICKED HIM OFF TOO.  PERCY ELLSWORTH?  GIVE ME A BREAK.  HE WAS NOT A GRUDEN GRINDER!

Norman: I’m sorry, Percy Ellsworth?

Jon: PERCY ELLSWORTH WAS A LOT LIKE THESE REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN.  MAYBE HE’S QUALIFIED TO HAVE HIS JOB BUT THERE ARE A HECK OF A LOT OF GUYS WHO COULD DO IT BETTER.  GIVE ME AENEAS WILLIAMS ANY DAY OF THE WEEK BUT ESPECIALLY ON SUNDAYS.

Herm: AND YOU NEED PLAYERS TO PLAY ON MONDAY WHEN YOU’RE ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.

Norman: I really don’t know what you’re talking about any more.

Jon: I GUESS THAT MEANS I’M LIKE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY THEN.  MAN, WHERE DO THOSE GUYS GET OFF?  ANYWAY, THIS HAS BEEN IT FOR GRUDEN TALK.  I’D LIKE TO THANK MY GUEST NORMAN ORNSTEIN.

Norman: You’re welcome, I think?

Jon: NOW PLAY US OFF BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS.

Herm: NORMAN GREENBAUM SPIRIT IN THE SKY ON THREE, AND BREAK!