Jon: WELCOM BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THE IMMIGRATION DEBATE?

Herm: WHEN THE SUPER BOWL IS ON SUNDAY I ONLY HAVE TIME FOR FOOTBALL.

Jon: LIKE YOU EVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT PREPARING FOR THE SUPER BOWL.  ANYWAY, CONGRESS IS GOING TO ACT ON IMMIGRATION REFORM PRETTY SOON, SO WE INVITED RUY TEIXEIRA FROM THE CENTER FOR AMERICAN PROGRESS TO TALK ABOUT IMMIGRATION.  RUY, HOW ARE YA?

Ruy: Glad to be here.

Jon: SO LET’S TALK ABOUT IMMIGRATION.  THIS NEW LAW WILL MAKE IMMIGRANTS INTO CITIZENS IF THEY ATTEND COLLEGE?

Ruy: Well, many proposals are being discussed but yes, attending college and serving in the military may be an automatic path to citizenship for some immigrants.

Jon: LEMME TELL YA, THAT’S A GREAT IDEA.  WE WANT AMERICA TO BE NOTHING BUT FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICKS.  COLLEGE STUDENTS, MARINES, NOBODY FLIPPING BURGERS AT MCDONALD’S.  IF YOU’RE GONNA BE AN AMERICAN, YOU NEED TO RUN A 4.6 40.

Ruy: Well we need to realize that there are undocumented immigrants who have been in America for years who have no plans of going to college but still deserve citizenship.

Jon: THESE MEXICAN COLLEGE STUDENTS, I CALL THEM CADILLAC WILLIAMS BECAUSE THEY OVERCAME ADVERSITY TO BE FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICKS.

Herm: WHEN YOU MAKE YOURSELF VALUABLE YOU’RE GOING TO GET TAKEN IN THE FIRST ROUND.

Ruy: Right, but we need to do more than just give a path to citizenship for those attending college.  We need to make sure all undocumented immigrants have that opportunity.

Jon: I HEAR YA, LEAVING MEXICO FOR THE UNITED STATES IS LIKE LEAVING THE RAIDERS FOR THE BUCCANEERS.  YOU LEAVE A DICTATORSHIP FOR THE LAND OF HOOTERS AND PERSONAL WATERCRAFT.

Herm: LEAVING THE JETS FOR THE CHIEFS IS THE OPPOSITE.

Ruy: I’m sorry, what are we talking about?

Jon: YOU KNOW HOW FEW PEOPLE HAVE PERSONAL WATERCRAFT IN OAKLAND?  NOT REALLY PART OF THE CULTURE.  BUT IN TAMPA BAY EVERYONE HAS THEM.  ME AND BILL MUIR USED TO JETSKI TO GAMES.  RAYMOND JAMES STADIUM MIGHT BE 2 MILES INLAND BUT YOU CAN JETSKI ON THE STREET IF YOU HAVE A CHAMPION’S MENTALITY.

Herm: JON CAN DO ANYTHING WHEN HE PUTS HIS MIND TO IT.

Ruy: I’ve totally lost track of the conversation.

Jon: WELL RUY, IT’S PRETTY SIMPLE.  WE WANT TO SHARE OUR LAND OF PERSONAL WATERCRAFT AND HIGH ACHIEVEMENT WITH THE IMMIGRANTS.  THE FACT THAT THEY WERE ABLE TO CROSS A HEAVILY PATROLLED BORDER TO GET HERE SHOWS THAT THEY’RE REAL GRUDEN GRINDERS.

Herm: THE BORDER PATROL IS A DIFFICULT OPPONENT THAT YOU HAVE TO PLAY ON THE ROAD.

Jon: SO EVEN IF THE IMMIGRANTS DON’T BECOME CITIZENS, THEY CAN STILL TAKE A SPOT ON MY PRACTICE SQUAD ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

Ruy: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, PLAY US OFF.

Herm: LET’S GET SOME LOS LOBOS ACTION ON THREE, HERM EDWARDS SEVEN!