[Post written by kommenter Martin]

Mark Sanchez: Aw, damn, Shonn … My head is bumpin’.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: I can’t believe Coach called us in here at six this morning.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: I think I overdid it last night. There were these two girls…

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: You didn’t let me finish.

Shonn Greene: Don’t make me an accessory after the fact.

Mark Sanchez: Whuh… oh, my head…

[Door flies open]

Rex Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?

Sanchez: Oh… not so loud.

Rex: I heard about some of your antics this morning, Nacho. I need to hear it from you. Did you sup of the cooter champagne at midnight?

Sanchez: Well, you see…

Rex: Oh! Oh! You are a terrible quarterback but a fantastic pederast! From now on, your new nickname is Vorhees. Because you chase naked teenagers around with your meat machete.

[Slaps Sanchez on the ass, HARD]

Sanchez: OUCH! Ow…

Rex: Men, I woke up this morning and saw the most beautiful thing since Mrs. Ryan first unveiled those delicious little piggies on our first date. I know we just wrapped up an abysmal season.

Shonn Greene: We ain’t got no QB, coach.

Sanchez: Hey! Owwww…

Rex: No, no. It’s my fault. I’ve been on this diet, and it’s made me forget that you men are FUCKING WINNERS! I forgot that while I gave up my usual two-hour breakfast at Good Enough to Eat. That the taste of VICTORY and WAR and BLOOD are more delicious and satisfying than any meal. Well, except Mrs. Ryan’s piggies.

Tim Tebow: Coach, you are worshiping at the alter of fal -

Rex: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’ve lost focus. We’ve all lost focus. We forgot that we’re FUCKING WINNERS. That we’re here to KILL! We’re here to MURDER! And that we’re here to WREAK HAVOC AND SMITE OUR FOES AND BATHE IN THEIR BLOOD!

[Tebow gets a funny feeling in his bathing suit area]

Instead, we let chaos and disruptions from outside cause us to stumble. But I’ve seen the light of a new dawn, men. Now that that kraut Tannenbaum is gone, there’s only one team with the BALLS AND COCKS aimed at WAR PUSSY and VICTORY next season?

Sanchez: Coach Carrell’s Seahawks?

[Everyone slides further away from Sanchez]

Ryan: ARE YOU FUCKING TO KILL?!!

Everyone: YES!

Rex: This season was a bust. We had El Shitbox who couldn’t find a Jet to overthrow at LaGuardia. And a defense that couldn’t stop a… what church are you again, Tebow?

Tebow: Well, I, uh…

Rex: Whatever. We fucked up like Romney did when he released that video about how 47 percent of Americans are gay.

Tebow: That’s not…

Rex: You had off yesterday. I hope you enjoyed it, men, because from here on out the only thing in your future is WAR and BLOOD and DEATH! We didn’t make the playoffs, and that’s a fucking travesty that’ll go down in history alongside Mrs. Coach Ryan’s bunions. This has been one wet fart of a season. It reminds me of sharing a room with my brother, Rob.

[A lone wolf cries in the distance]

But that’s in the past. Tannenbaum? The past. Sanchez’s interceptions? Past. Tebow? Past.

Tebow: Hey!

Ryan: WE ARE NOT FUCKING AROUND ANY MORE, MEN! WE ARE WINNERS! WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING TRAIN AND PUT KNEES TO NECKS AND SLIT THROATS! Men, we are going to KILL!

This is still my team and I’ve spent too much time grooming you MEN, you WARRIORS, with war pussy, pussytubin’, steak and blowjobs, blowjobs and steaks, war feasts, war snacks, snack wars and nicknames. I’m not about to let Lady Victory’s snatch be torn away from our blood-drenched, deserving fingers without a fight.

There is no offseason. There is only war! There is only BLOOD! There is only THE MURDER OR OUR FUCKING ENEMIES! Are you ready to KILLLLLLL!

Everyone: YES!

Rex: ARE YOU READY TO THROATFUCK PAIN AND FISTFUCK LADY VICTORY NEXT SEASON!

Everyone: Yes!

Ryan: ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT THE NEW YORK FUCKING JETS? THE JETS WHO ARE GOING TO DESTROY OUR OPPONENTS AND WIN THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL RIGHT HERE IN OUR FUCKING HOUSE NEXT YEAR!

Everyone: YES!

Rex: FUCKING HANDS IN!

[hands in]

Ryan: FUCKING KILL ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE!

Everyone: KILL!

Rex: Let’s go eat a goddamn healthy snack.

Rex: After that, Shitbox, you’re fucking CUT. You too, Charlie Church. Consider this your last supper, god boy.