It’s Divisional Weekend, and that means it’s the last time we get
more than one football game in a single day until next season. (apparently the Championship games are on the same day and I’m dumb). Knowing that, it’s totally normal to smile maniacally.
Last Week 2-2
Denver Broncos -10 vs. Baltimore Ravens
There’s no Manning vs. Colts storyline this week, which means we are all deprived of two potential rooting interests. For some it would have been funny to see Manning stick it to Jim Irsay, while may have taken pleasure in seeing the Colts proven just one year into the Luck era. Now everyone must come together and pray for Ray Lewis to lose and go away for a few minutes before joining ESPN.
Oh god, they’re going to encourage him to dance, aren’t they?
Green Bay Packers +3 at San Francisco 49ers
The 49ers got the win when the two teams met to open the season, but now they’re in the playoffs, where the Packers have had some historical success against San Francisco. Granted, none of it has come in the last ten years. Still, trends!
This time It’s the battle of starting quarterbacks playing against the teams they grew up watching. No, really. Despite what his scary prison tats might say, Kaepernick grew up in Wisconsin rooting for the Packers, not the Raiders. Ca-razy.
Seattle Seahawks +3 at Atlanta Falcons
Russell Wilson could become the third quarterback to win two playoff games in his rookie season. If Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez can do it then it can’t be all that difficult. If he gets the Seahawks to the NFC Championship it will add another chapter to the hilarious Atlanta can’t win in the playoffs narrative. It would all be so much more enjoyable if Richard Sherman wasn’t such a troll.
Houston Texans +10 at New England Patriots
According to Elias (via ESPN), teams that lost by four touchdowns or more in the regular season are 11-11 in playoff rematches. That’s…something. I’m not sure if that actually backs up my pick, but it’s enough for me to rationalize picking Matt Schaub to win a road playoff game against the most successful franchise of the era.
Continue after the jump for the Top Chef play-by-play as well as the Top Seven.
Pre-Challenge Fun: Josie opens thing up by screaming “Asians represent” in Sheldon’s general direction. Everyone raises their eyebrows instead of shoving a filthy sock in her mouth and tying her to a dining room chair for the remainder of the episode. They will pay for their mistake later, no doubt.
Everybody seems happy that John is gone. His “MOST HATED CHEF ON TOP CHEF SEATTLE OTHER THAN JOSIE AND POSSIBLY THE SHRIEKING ITALIAN LADY” should be arriving in 4-6 weeks.
Everybody starts talking about ginger and extolling its versatility and health benefits for no apparent reason. Wait, is it possible that ginger is sponsoring this week’s quickfire?
Quickfire: Sorta! Canada Dry Ginger Ale, to be specific. They only have 15 minutes to make a dish with ginger and/or Ginger Ale. I think. Some people are using the soda, others aren’t. My stomach hurts already. Where is MY ginger ale?
Stefan says that Sheldon’s dish looks too Chinese food restauranty, and says he’s going to “just” make tuna tartare because Wolfgang is judging and he serves that in most of his restaurants. I dunno, seems too Spago-y.
Brooke’s squid looks fucking awesome. Wolfgang says he could put it on the menu at Chinois. Hey, my brother used to wait tables there with all of the other actors.
Sheldon’s dish was too Chinese food restaurant-y, while Stefan’s was singled out for recognition. Dawww, poor Sheldon.
Brooke’s squid gets the win, but the highlight of the Quickfire comes just after Wolfgang heaps praise upon Kristen for her ingenuity. This screencap shows the exact moment when Stefan realizes that he’s doomed to lose this competition to his girlfriend.
Elimination Challenge: Restaurant Wars! The twist is that this week’s Restaurant Wars isn’t really Restaurant Wars. Instead, of teaming up to open two distinct restaurants in 24 hours, they chefs are each preparing a single dish of their choosing at a food stand like in almost every other episode. But this time it’s WAR. Also, they’ll be cooking for Danny Meyer who is basically the best restaurateur in the country. He opened Gramercy Tavern with some asshole named Colicchio in a simpler time before artisanal foodies roamed the Yelposphere. Now he owns a bunch of fine dining establishments, great neighborhood spots AND Shake Shack. So he’s basically a genius, and most of these chefs would probably quit Top Chef on the spot if promised their own place in his restaurant group.
Meyer challenges the cheftestants to create 400 portions of one dish that captures their essence or something. I think. I don’t know, I was daydreaming about the suckling pig I had at one of his restaurants. Baby pig is the sweetest pig. Anyway, here’s a quick breakdown of what’s going on…
Sheldon is going to elevate his grandfather’s Filipino soup.
Micah lost 25 pounds in anticipation of competing on Top Chef (going on television, really) by eating lots of raw food. So he’s going to serve something raw. Don’t laugh, it’s been a passion of his for the better part of two months.
The chefs get to share four eliminated contestants to be their sous chefs. Sheldon immediately grabs his “Filipino sister” Chrissy, and she gets all excited about his soup I can’t spell.
Stefan picks that annoying Italian lady because she has a tight ass. Stefan stays Stefan.
Josie is naming her “restaurant” after her area code in Miami because she’s a total fucking hack through and through.
Brooke is making “Jewish food gone awry.”
(and feed me challah BLTs)
Micah has the advantage of Kuniko’s knife skills for his raw seafood mistake, unfortunately they aren’t actually serving the dishes for another day. But hey, who doesn’t like old sashimi?
Judgement Time: Danny Meyer recalls meeting Tom Colichio at a similar food event 25 years ago. Then he reels off the exact dish Tom made. He’s a savant.
Micah’s plate has twenty-five different types of raw fish on his plate. He says that when you work in Beverly Hills you have to be mindful of all of the weight-watching ladies that walk through the door. Tom makes a Tom face. Micah is fuuuucked.
Oh hey, Josie’s food isn’t ready and she’s just bullshitting. Shocker. She’s serving cuban roast pork, or she will be just as soon as her food comes out of the fryer. Her pork is dried out, flavorless and “nearly inedible”. You have to TRY to make roast pork dry and flavorless. BE GONE.
Padma sashays into the stew room to give Kristen, Sheldon and Josh the call. They all CRUSHED it, but Josh less so than the others. I mean, nice dish, but it was steak and cauliflower with a wine sauce. Sheldon and Kristen share the win. Followed by the TWIST we’ve been waiting for. This week wasn’t the real Restaurant War (no shit), so next week it’s on for real. Kristen and Sheldon will be the captains, but Josie isn’t around to yell stuff about Asians. Bummer.
They have a stupid draft that quickly becomes amazing when Kristen snubs Stefan for Brooke (MAAAAKE OUUUUUUT). Suck on it, Stefan. Shelden goes with Josh, then Kristen twists the knife by taking Lizzie and pretending to be bummed when Sheldon takes Stefan. She was totally saving him for last, you guys. Sheldon gets Micah and Kristen gets Josie, but nobody cares. But hey, vaginas versus penises!
Elminated: (Last week: 6) Michah- He had to go, but not before Josie. Oh well, it’s back to The Standard where Micah will cook food for people who have ingested too much cocaine to taste anything.
7. Josie (8)– She is a virus.
6. Lizzie (7)– In a better season she would have been left for dead by now.
5. Josh (5)- He’s inching back towards the top half of the shit pile, even if he made a pretty simple bistro dish. His steak with mushroom sauce was probably good, but you know what’s better? Steak with mushroom ice cream. BOOM. That dish just got Blais’d.
4. Stefan (3)– He’s going to be out for blood after getting snubbed this week. You don’t string along a guy who speaks German that well only to spurn him at the last minute, Kristen.
3. Sheldon (4)- Everyone had great things to say about his soup. I think Padma called it elegant, but she was probably fishing for a return compliment. OK, Padma, you’re elegant too.
3. Brooke (2)- She’s not the first person to make unkosher food, but she’s clearly the most attractive. But hey, next time make with the bacon.
1. Kristen (1)– I can’t even remember what she actually made. I think there was egg involved. I’m sure it was amazing.
Last Chance Kitchen: Micah takes on CJ, who apparently beat John for his fifth straight win last week. You can still vote for your favorite chef to come back, which is between John and Kuniko for some reason that nobody understands. #TeamKuniko
Next week: The winner of restaurant wars will get a Toyota Somethingorother that they will immediately trade in for booze and cigarettes. Stefan pisses off the judges and Josie makes excuses. Should be fun.
I want more like this!
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