Oh, Texans
Meast and Least for Week 14

The Best Moments From Texans-Patriots

By Christmas Ape / 12.11.12
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Another fine example of why Peter King is afraid to have fully formed opinions about things. On Monday morning, he proclaimed that Texans-Patriots would rank as one of the great Monday night games. Instead, it was an unexceptional blowout. That's all right. I'm sure Jets-Titans will be the game that totally redeems the slew of awful MNF games this year.

What we're left with is the impression that the Broncos and Patriots creeps inexorably toward a meeting in late January. Granted, that should result in better showings than we saw out of the Texans on Monday night, but I really can't bear the hype that would surround yet another Manning-Brady playoff game.

For now, let's put that ugliness out of our minds and relive what few moments were worthwhile about the Pats rolling the Texans.

Not only has been been a recent profusion of buttfumbles, but there's been a spate of fumbledowns in prime time as well. Perhaps it's a more positive companion derp for the buttfumble. RGIII and the Redskins got one on Monday night the week before and the Patriots lucked their way into one last night. In fact, Houston forced New England to fumble twice in the red zone and couldn't fall on either one. Both times, the Patriots scored on that play or the play thereafter. With the extent of the blowout, a different outcome on those plays wouldn't have swung the result. Given the choice, I'd rather the Patriots run through all their fumble luck now while it's still the regular season. Of course, that assumes there is such a choice (there isn't) and that things like fumble luck (which don't actually exist) are also portioned out in a fair way (they aren't). But it's a comforting fantasy to entertain.

Oh hey, Texans receiver, you didn't need those vertebrae anyway. Matt Schaub must also really buy into the Houston hydra joke. So much that he's willing to get his receivers killed to see if one grows back in its place.

I imagine that would be a fun landing if the Patriots had dug a swimming pool inside the five-yard line. Such as it was, it was probably less fun than that.

It still amazes me every time Tom Brady takes a hard hit and a great deluge of flags doesn't ensue. I'll give the refs credit on Monday night. Brady actually took a few shots and didn't get any ridiculous penalties. Not that he wasn't getting in the ref's face and lobbying for them.

Leave to Donte Stallworth to wait until the week after an NFL player kills someone driving drunk to return and score a touchdown. It seemed for a few minutes that no one on air would mention the connection, but Tirico eventually did. Either way, I assume the Pats signed Stallworth as a cautionary tale for Gronk more than anything.

Not really much to this. I just like that it looks like Welker explodes from this angle when he drops the pass. Hee hee! Blow up again!

Soundtracks kicked off with a clip of Vincent Jackson telling a team trainer that he leads the league in hydration. Which is funny because it gibes with KSK inside jokes about Peter King, but also instills fear that perhaps it isn't just Peter King. Does everyone in the NFL speak using the same horrible cliches. The answer, of course, is yes and kill me.

John Elways Teeth

I think Tom Brady should grow a beard... and get some TSuggs dentures.

irishda

I’m not at all surprised that the Patriots have a “touchdown” audible.

Feklhr

They better hope it doesn’t start snowing, Brady won’t be able to see his receivers!

Old School Zero

OH BOY TOYOTATHON!

/runs out the door, cash in hand

Believelander

Bill Belichick: master of using a time out to avoid a 5 yard defensive penalty in non-critical situation 1 minute into game.

William Charles Schneider

“Gary Kubiak knows how to treat a workhorse!”
/Foster is shot on the field

H Cuz

A thousand people in Texas just went to the attic to dig up their old Cowboys merch.

theone32123

I heard his vertebrae crack on that hit and my TV is muted.

Gordon Bombedbay

THIS GUY AQIB TALIB, I CALL HIM BLUE BALLS BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW TO FRUSTRATE A JOHNSON.

Guns Dont Kill People

HOW ABOUT THIS DONTE STALLWORTH? THIS GUY CAN RUN OVER ANYBODY!!!

Gordon Bombedbay

THIS GUY MAYO I CALL HIM THE UNIBOMBER BECAUSE HIS PACKAGES ARE ACTIVATED.

phreshone

Looks like we may never get that Matt Ryan vs. Matt Schaub Super Bowl we’ve all been waiting for

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I want more like this!

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