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The Best Moments From Broncos-Raiders

By Christmas Ape / 12.07.12

After week, our Thursday nights until next September will be devoid of sloppy football and Mayock lisping. Possibly even longer than that if the NFL decides to rethink its scheduling of weekly Thursday night game. Based on the almost uniformly subpar quality of play, that's an idea worth exploring. Then again, ratings have been decent, so never mind.

Last night, as expected, the Broncos picked up their eighth straight win in decisive fashion. Because of first half struggles in the red zone by the Broncos, the game was still somewhat in doubt at the half, but the Raiders couldn't get any closer than a one score deficit before Denver started piling on the points. By then, Carson Palmer turnovers and costly receiver drops made it impossible for the Raiders to keep pace.


Yup, Tiny Trindon is the undefeatiest player in the NFL this season. If Denver goes unbeaten from here on out, does this mean Trindon gets to join the '72 Dolphins? I hope so. Their roster has a clear need for somehow who isn't a 50-something cockweasel.

Anyway, here are the few moments of note from that slopfest/Peyton-slurp session:

Frankenstein Vert

Peyton almost did a jump pass. He's just like Tebow! This is only possible because his android knee parts just came in. Perhaps this is Peyton testing out his tactics for avoiding tipped passes at the line. Might come in handy against the Texans, except for the part where he gets to hold the ball for five seconds. Still some kinks to work out.

He's a phony! A big phony!

via

I really want to believe this Raiders fan faked being handicapped to get special seating for the game. Of course, people will be quick to tell you that you need not actually be unable to hand to get a wheelchair. The guy could have just been injured. Though it is another reason to be thankful that Teebs is no longer in Denver, as there would be those who think a miracle was performed.

C'mon, Don

Denarius Moore couldn't get both feet in bounds on a garbage time two-point conversion attempt by Oakland. But he has to be commended for locating the nearest NFL Network cameraman to run into. Nessler and Mayock identified him as Don and praised his commitment to the shot, even though it's clear he drops the camera to protect himself. Nice work, DONNIE. Next time maybe you'll sack up take the hit from the skinny wide receiver without dropping the $15,000 camera. There really ought to be a camera operator training camp to work on these skills. If said camp already exists, it's inexcusable that there's no footage of it floating out there.

More sideline people getting hit

It just wasn't safe to be roaming the sidelines last night, provided you were a old, portly white guy. Eric Decker was the one to trip this guy up, so nice to know that both teams had a vendetta against sideline interlopers.

Eric Decker: Eternal Turf Monster Victim

So it's high time Eric Decker bought some cleats. He already ate it in the open field earlier this year against the Chargers when he might have had a breakaway touchdown. This slippage wasn't anyway near as costly. Still, learn to plant your damn feet.

He only wants the wrong way

Denarius Moore makes a nice snag over the middle for a short gain, goes to the ground without being contacted, so he proceeds to get up to try to gain more yards, only he runs in the wrong direction. Sure, this is excusable given he just laid out for a pass and had his head planted in the ground. No less fun to watch, though.

Bad Idea Jeans Postgame Show

In the NFL Network's infinite wisdom, they posted up their postgame show in front of the Black Hole then invited Von Miller as their guest on set. Much respect to the Raiders fans holding their own and making the interview almost inaudible through the peals of boos. I didn't record the entire interview, but rest assured that the woman screaming "RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSS" keeps it up through the duration of the chat.

Why?

Seriously, what the fuck? Eisen is okay so far as network hosts go, but I'm not getting that. That's some deep hipster irony or probably a network plant.

ManningFace

Requisite, even for Broncos victories.

Halp, contact!

Peyton Manning's M.O. of hitting the dirt the instant a pass rusher comes free has always irked me. Yeah, I know I wouldn't react with any more courage in the same situation, but I want Peyton hits. And now that Pey-Pey is trying to protect his reconstructed android neck, it's an even smarter practice than it was before. Nevertheless, still annoys the shit out of me. I'm a dick like that.

Don't Tug On Fetushead's Cape

Oh man, the Peyton stroking last night was unbearable. Nessler alone compared Peyton to a symphony conductor and, oh, SUPERMAN. Not only that, but the NFL Network crew took pains to harp on Peyton being the de facto coach of the team at every opportunity. At one point, Alex Flanagan tried to get a shot of Peyton lecturing his offensive line, but Peyton took the cameramen to fuck off, which made him even more of a leader in their eyes. I want a Broncos one-and-done in the playoffs so bad.

Da Dip

Though Von Miller and his blipster excellence do help salve the shittiness of the Manning fluffing. Damn that's an awesome dip move on Khalif Barnes.

Oop dee

Downfield blockers taking out the ballcarrier is one of my favorite things. GIFing it every time.

FIX YO GAME CLOCK

There was a issue with the game clock in the third quarter, which lead to this Hochuli-like explanation from the officials. Of course, that wasn't before Mayock was lecturing that Peyton wouldn't stand for such ineptitude. "IF THITH WERE THE MANNING PATHHHHING ACADEMY, HE'D REALLY SETHHHTLE YOUR HASH." I think I'm disliking Mayock more each week.

Comments of the night

The Lord Formerly Known as Revisisle

This game is like an MST3K episode where despite the gang’s best efforts at riffing, the movie itself is just so bad you have to walk away.

Lobster Mobster

O.co.caine Stadium

scotchnaut

If only the Broncs had gotten the OSU wide receiver in the last draft they could have a Blackmon & Decker combo.

/Sponsored by Lowe’s

The Lord Formerly Known as Revisisle

So does Manning have to wear a spit guard when he’s being fellated by the broadcasters?

Keating Sean

The Raiders should have watched Jurassic Park before trading for Palmer then they’ have learned the dangers of bringing ancient creatures back into existence

Feklhr

*John Maddens reads on*

“...as he thrust his purple-headed warrior into her quivering mound of love pudding...”

IFoughtTyLawAndTyLawWonButWasFined75k

“He did it!”

“Nuh uh, he did it!”

“MOOOOOOOOM”

-every false start in the nfl

Mike McCarthyism

GO HOME GAME CLOCK YOU’RE DRUNK

Sill Bimmons

Clean feet=Awesome QB:

John 12:3–Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.

Old School Zero

Peyton: Omaha 72 XX Blue Kill Kill 99 Fujiwara Armbar SET 32 HASTAG Papa Johns Papa Johns! (quick slant)

Raiders: LOL HOW DO I DEFENSE?

GregOlsenIsMakingMeSexist

A properly fitted Peyton Manning helmet would have the face mask set further in than the top-front of the helmet. It would look like the good year blimp with steel cage cock pit.

Keating Sean

Pey-Pey should win rookie of the year as well; because its his first season as a Bronco


 

I want more like this!

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