As most everyone has seen by now, The Ginger Hammer appears on the cover of this week’s issue of TIME magazine, a fusty periodical that continues to be relevant in defiance of all reason. The profile of Goodell that is contained within is full of Peter King levels of fluffing, along with the revealing tidbit that Rog was the snitching little NARC on his high school football team. The biggest takeaway from the piece is an idea to forever do away with kickoffs, proposed by Greg Schiano, that incredibly has nothing to do with diving at the opponent’s knees. I’m sure PK will call for Noble Peace Prizes for both Goodell and Schiano should the concept make its way into the rule book.

But this is TIME. And TIME is only ever mentioned in the public discourse because of what is on its cover, not whatever pabulum lies within. So we focused only on The Rog’s ridiculous cover shot. In the nicer version, that’s the globe between his non-calloused hands. BECAUSE SURELY THE ROG COULD SQUEEZE CONTINENTS TO DUST IF HE SO CHOSE. IT IS ONLY BY HIS ENDURING BENEVOLENCE THAT WE ARE PERMITTED TO LIVE.