When last we left lofty imaginarium, Peter King, he was wondering what lessons Roger Goodell could take from the life of Abraham Lincoln. After all, Lincoln would have known how to dispatch Jonathan Vilma once and for all. PK also scolded Dunkin Donuts for encroaching on the island of Manhattan, which is apparently the sworn territory of Starbucks, for reasons known only to Petey… and Seattle. Finally, Peter was really upset after having to acknowledge that the Patriots are not the undisputed best team in football ever.

But what about this week? Peter says not to worry about Roger Goodell, because he is his father’s son. Or is that God’s son? It gets so hard to tell this time of year. READ ON.

The Bengals have done something this year that hadn’t been done since Boomer Esiason was a junior at Maryland.

Since Boomer Esiason’s college career at podunk Maryland is common knowledge throughout the land, PK need not tell you he means 1983.

Bruce Arians has done something no one in the NFL has done in 60 years.

Oh, quit it with these teasing history nuggets. Tell me now! Don’t make me wait for the Hollywood movie that is the Colts, which will be broken into a trilogy by Peter Jackson.

Seattle’s averaging 50 points a game in its last three games, which hasn’t been done in a three-game span in Bill Belichick’s lifetime.

Which is a long time, because Bill Belichick has lived the equivalent of four normal lifetimes by virtue of the life-sustaining sex with married women.

And over the weekend, Calvin Johnson and Blair Walsh, the rookie Vikings kicker, did things no one in the 93-year history of the NFL had ever done.

Oh, thanks for identifying Blair Walsh for us. Please explain what the NFL is while you’re at it.

And yes, PK expects his audience to have offhand knowledge of when Boomer Esiason’s junior year in college was, but knowing active NFL players is apparently too much to ask.

Sixteen games to play, all next Sunday (nine early, six late, one at night), and Week 17 won’t be as suspenseful as some final regular season weekends. But in a league of stories, we’ll have plenty.

Silly me. I thought we were fans of a football league. Turns out, it’s a league of stories. That’s why this Russell Wilson is even more special than initially thought. His fireside yarns captivate the imaginations of all who hear them. Just wait until he unspools the tale of his struggles growing up kinda short compared to other quarterbacks. That’s be the thing that wins him the storied story title.

This week we’re starting with the story of the year … on the Indianapolis Colts team bus. It’s a story we can’t seem to get enough of.

And we won’t! Because it’ll be coming to a theater near you. Once the Hollywood movie that is the Colts becomes the runaway hit we all know it will, the ensuing spinoffs will be endless. The Broadway play that is the Indianapolis Colts. Then, who knows? TV series, graphic novels, video games, a deck of obscene playing cards.

Someone needs to explain how this happened, exactly.

Jamaal Charles ran for 165 yards against the Colts Sunday.

In the third quarter.

Indy’s defense sucks.

/end explanation

At one point in the fourth quarter at Arrowhead Stadium, interim coach Bruce Arians looked out onto the field and surveyed just who was playing for him. On offense, on the 73-yard game-winning fourth-quarter touchdown drive, he counted seven first-year players. On defense, well, he wasn’t quite sure what he saw.

“I can’t design bubble screens to these people. What to do? Think, Bruce, think.”

Indy already had four defensive tackles on injured reserve, the nominal starter at the nose, Antonio Johnson, was inactive with an ankle injury, and two other defensive linemen went down during the game. So trying to somehow plug the leak were four Colts who’d been plucked off the street, off waivers from the Packers, Jets, Cowboys and Rams during this season. “Hang in there,” Arians kept telling his waiver wonders.

Peter King is already way out in front on marketing the Hollywood Colts movie. Waiver wonders is a snappy turn of phrase that will no doubt end up as a Starbucks drink when the studio pairs with the chain for promotions and tie-ins.

A week or so ago, Arians didn’t know the name of the seventh nose tackle the Colts had employed this year, undrafted 355-pound plugger Kellen Heard, picked up from the Rams and activated earlier this month, but now he was trying to stone Peyton Hillis and Charles, and somehow it worked. Somehow, 352 Chief rushing yards later, it worked, and the Indianapolis Colts, 2-14 a year ago, won their 10th game of 2012, clinching a playoff spot.

Somehow, someway, the Colts were able to triumph over a godawful Chiefs team. No worries, the movie will make it seem like it was much more difficult of a task.

“Mission accomplished,” a totally spent Arians, 60, said from the bus, on the way to the airport. “This is the greatest moment of my coaching career. This is the top. I called the plays in a two-minute drive to win the Super Bowl

Worth nothing that the playcalling on said Super Bowl XLIII winning drive wasn’t anything to brag about. The Steelers scored because Aaron Francisco fell down and three Cardinals DBs still couldn’t manage to cover Santonio Holmes in the back of the end zone. That’s not a triumph of design. That’s luck/execution.

but this beats that. I mean, we’re the College All-Stars. Remember when the NFL champion used to play the college all-stars in the preseason every year? That’s who we are — the College All-Stars. And we’re in the playoffs.”

Remember when the College All-Stars used to play the NFL champion? This is just like that, just substitute “NFL champion” for “Kansas City Chiefs” and give the college all-stars Reggie Wayne, Robert Mathis and Dwight Freeney.

Arians was the perfect junkyard dog for one of the most difficult coaching assignments in NFL history.

Because having Andrew Luck as your quarterback is a really tough assignment, you guys.

Imagine Arians’ emotion today.

Why am I always being asked to imagine things? Is this meditation?

He walked off the Arrowhead field at 3:07 p.m., having piloted a reeling team into the playoffs as an interim coach; no interim coach since 1952 had won nine games with any NFL teams. And while he was in the locker room, word came down that the team that dumped him was eliminated from playoff contention. Arians is no gloater, and he did none of that Sunday. But come on. Who wouldn’t be thinking emotional thoughts at a time like that?

Bruce Arians didn’t give Peter King the boasting quote that PK wanted, but that’s okay. You can tell that he secretly wanted to!

Arians responded. He kept a new team with a 70 percent turnover from last year from fracturing, and he did it on his first shot to be an NFL head coach. “I finally got a chance to be a head coach,” he said, “and I got the chance while leading a group of men on a special mission for a great man [Pagano] himself. Nothing can compare to this.”

Nothing does.

Holiday jewelry commercials have less fucking schmaltz than this mind-raping column.

Of all the stats on all the NFL play sheets Sunday, this seemed most amazing to me: Seattle converted 11 of 13 third downs (11 of 12, really, because the final conversion attempt was a kneeldown at the end of the game) against the team that had held Seattle to six points two months ago. The key for Seattle, of course, has been the precocious play of Wilson, who was remarkable in and out of the pocket.

Precocious from all angles and positions. Oh yeah. Peter King’s gettin’ moist.

He doesn’t scramble like a normal quarterback, or even a quick quarterback. His scrambling is totally unpredictable, and he breaks the rules that say passers should never double-back and go 12 or 15 yards behind the line to try to find a new hole. He does it all the time, fearlessly.

Hoo boy. This is approaching Land Baron levels of gushing.

“He ain’t a-feared of stupid risks that other QBs dread. He’s precocious enough to know his awesome defense will bail him out when it goes wrong.”

Want an example of Wilson the leader? He went to all the rookies after the game Sunday night. “We got work to do tomorrow,” Wilson told his fellow first-year players. “Come in and get your lift in.” Christmas Eve wouldn’t influence the work schedule for Wilson. Tape analysis, 8 a.m. Lift, 10 a.m. That’s what leaders do.

Leaders are dicks.

Did the Bengals just win a game, or was it more than that?

/reviews NFL standings

Yup. Just one game.

Andy Dalton was drafted to change the course of Bengals history, the same way Ken Anderson and Boomer Esiason and David Klingler and Akili Smith and Carson Palmer were. Anderson and Esiason led the Bengals to Super Bowls. Klingler and Smith were busts. Palmer was a good player but never could win a playoff game, and finally grew so frustrated that he decided to quit football rather than play in Cincinnati. The Bengals traded him to Oakland, of course. And that’s when Dalton, the mature-beyond-his-years redhead from Texas, stepped in.

Dalton did next to nothing on Sunday. Rushing to fluff the quarterback no matter his performance is standard PK protocol, though.

This year, the wild-card game could be in a tougher spot — New England, if form holds in Week 17. But Cincinnati’s defense, led by terrific defensive tackle Geno Atkins (2.5 sacks in Pittsburgh), is improved from last year, and will make it hard for good passing games like New England’s to get traction. If Dalton plays mistake-free, the Bengals will be in any game they play in January.

/sees Dalton being fellated for a no-touchdown, two-interception outing

Have fun, Greatriots.

Congratulations to Calvin Johnson for breaking Jerry Rice’s record for receiving yards in a season.

Johnson, with one game left, has 117 catches for 1,892 yards. Imagine a player averaging 132 yards receiving a game.

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too

What, this isn’t Lennon? That’s not what we’re doing here?

On Sunday, I asked the man who drafted Johnson

Oh fuck. Couldn’t resist the Millen apologia, could you?

if he had a tough choice when the second pick in the 2007 draft came up and it was the Lions turn to pick. “If the Raiders [who chose JaMarcus Russell first overall] had taken Calvin, we’d have crossed our fingers and taken Adrian Peterson,” Millen said.

Bullshit. You’d have taken JaFatass in a heartbeat. Or yet another receiver.

“Remember, he had that shoulder issue before the draft, and some people were concerned about it. But we were comfortable with him. We liked Calvin better. We thought he was a once-in-a-lifetime guy.” On this pick at least, Millen was right.

In a choice between future Hall of Famers, Millen somehow still didn’t fuck it up.

So many numbers I like this morning in the Nothing is Forever League, but how about this about the 49ers, who, a week ago, could have passed for the best team in football:

There’s Peter, still bitching that the 49ers were able to depose his beloved Patriots from the top of his meaningless power poll, atop which the Patriots sat unquestioned by PK and no one else.

After Seattle throttled the Niners Sunday night, San Francisco, which started the season as the great power of a supposedly weak division, is 2-2-1 in NFC West games this year.

A team atop a tough division didn’t sweep said tough division. CLOWNFRAUDS. Do you see the Patriots having problems with the juggernauts in the AFC East? YOU DO NAWT!

I understand the incredible frustration of Tim Tebow, who was either lied to by his team or misled, or lost any ability to play the sport of football since being traded to the Jets last spring. The Jets pushed him to rebel, as, according to ESPNNewYork.com, he did last week when he said he didn’t want to participate in the team’s Wildcat plays in the San Diego game. But it’s not acceptable to do it. As bad as he believes he’s been wronged, he’s got to do what the team says as long as he’s under contract there.

That’s how little confidence that the football world has in Tebow ever becoming a significant player. If PK ever believed he’d need to curry Teebs’ favor later on, he’d never, ever, ever be that critical of him.

Hey! Calling all loons in Steeler Nation …

Hey, that’s me!

/drinks

Coach Mike Tomlin, finishing his sixth season as coach of the Steelers, won’t be taking his team to the playoffs. “Not our day,” Tomlin said after the 13-10 loss to Cincinnati. “Not our year. Sounds like a broken record. But reality.” I’ve heard from many Steeler fans over the past few weeks, and many are unhappy with Tomlin for not leading a talented team out of its funk. These fans are not just unhappy with Tomlin. They want a new coach. To which I say: Are you crazy?

Peter admitted last week that he combs Yinzer message boards looking for idiots who wanted Tomlin fired. Shockingly, he did not have great difficulty finding that opinion. You don’t have to try that hard, Petey. Dipshit Steelers fans will come to you.

Anyway, not that I want him fired, but Tomlin did make some really fucking dumb decisions on Sunday.

Fine Fifteen

1. Denver (12-3). The Broncos have won 10 in a row by at least a touchdown apiece. Scored in the 30s in eight of those 10. Who, exactly, is beating the Broncos in January?

No one, of course, because this isn’t at all fitting the pattern of every Peyton Manning January meltdown ever.

4. Green Bay (11-4). You do not want to play Green Bay right now. The Packers will not have a lay-down first playoff game like they did a year ago.

You have absolutely no way of knowing that.

6. New England (11-4). Great tiebreaker possibility: If Denver (vs. Chiefs), New England (vs. Dolphins) and Houston (at Colts) all finish 12-4, which can happen, the playoff seeding would be Pats one, Texans two and Broncos three.

Thanks for letting us know how you want next week to play out so your favorite team can get home-field. I was worried this was going to be a sham of a postseason because the Pats would be forced to win a road playoff game.

7. Houston (12-3). To clinch home field in the AFC playoffs, Texans have to win at Indianapolis Sunday. Houston’s 0-10 all-time at Indy. Uh-oh.

That’s a very worrisome stat that means absolutely nothing.

8. Cincinnati (9-6). In the Roethlisberger Era, the Bengals had been 4-14 against the Steelers. Now it’s 5-14, and Sunday’s victory, the one that knocked the Steelers out of the playoff picture, felt bigger than just one win.

A PK lesson in numerology.

Say you have a nutmeg nut.

It’s awfully big, isn’t it? Oh, it sure is. Doesn’t it feel like it might actually be, like, seven or eight hundred nuts? Well, that’s why our feelings are stupid and we shouldn’t trust them. Because it’s still just one nutmeg nut.

And this one? Oh, it’s much smaller. It only feels like two or three nutmeg nuts. That’s the tricky thing. Still just one, you stupid fuck.

9. Washington (9-6). Robert Griffin III sure didn’t look like he was 100 percent in Philadelphia. But the Redskins have won six in a row, and all they have to do to finish their shock-the-world regular season is beat the Cowboys at home, when FedEx Field will be rocking like the Gibbs-Beathard days next Sunday.

There were no Gibbs-Beathard days in FedEx Field. There were Gibbs-Vinny Cerrato days. They were not noisy, however, because it would have interrupted Joe Gibbs’ naps during the games.

The Award Section

Offensive Players of the Week

Joe Flacco, QB, Baltimore. The league’s most embattled quarterback not named Mark Sanchez completed 25 of 36 for 309 yards, with two touchdowns and no interceptions, to give the Ravens a rout of the Giants — and a division title. If we’re going to berate Flacco when he’s not good, let’s praise him when he’s dominant, as he was Sunday.

But if he were Cam Newton, you should just dump on him whenever you feel like it. That’s the PK way.

Defensive Players of the Week

Geno Atkins, DT; Leon Hall, CB; and Reggie Nelson, FS, Cincinnati.

Hall’s 17-yard pick of Roethlisberger put the first points of the game on the board and accounted for the only Cincinnati touchdown of the game. And Nelson’s pick of Roethlisberger with 14 seconds left, returned to the Pittsburgh 46, set up the winning field goal. “The defense,” said Andy Dalton, “was phenomenal, and gave us the chances we needed to win a huge game.” Right he is.

What’s that? Someone other than lofty leader Andy Dalton is responsible for the Bengals’ big BIG SO BIG IT MUST COUNT FOR TWENTY win in Pittsburgh? I refuse to believe!

Goat of the Week

Nick Foles, QB, Philadelphia. On the final drive of the season at Lincoln Financial Field, with the Eagles down 27-20, Foles underthrew a wide-open Jeremy Maclin in the end zone, then was called for intentional grounding on the last play of the game, which was the last play because of the 10-second runoff of the clock on an intentional grounding call. Foles has shown good potential subbing for Mike Vick, and will probably enter the offseason as the Eagles’ 2013 starter, but this last drive robbed the Eagles of a chance to stun the Redskins and affect the NFC East pennant race.

Pennant race? Stow your baseball terminology, shitheel.

Quote of the Week II

“They don’t keep a record of meaningless yards, and these are meaningless yards. I hate to say it, but they are.”

— ESPN’s Jon Gruden, with a valid point late in another double-digit Lions’ loss, as Calvin Johnson of Detroit broke Jerry Rice’s all-time record for receiving yards in a season.

These are the kinds of points a great analyst makes. Good job by Gruden.

Those are WEASEL YARDS! They don’t count, except for when they do.

Quote of the Week III

“I was disappointed he could find conduct detrimental and there is no discipline, that he could excuse that type of accountability as a coach’s responsibility. I don’t share that perspective. This isn’t a new policy. The bounty rule has been in place for decades. It’s a core part of our rules.”

— Commissioner Roger Goodell, to Judy Battista of the New York Times, in his first expansive comments on Paul Tagliabue’s rebuke of his discipline in the New Orleans Saints bounty case.

“The stance of openly ignoring bounties even though they were obvious and prevalent was a bedrock principle of the NFL, until lawsuits dictated otherwise. In other words, TAGS IS TO BLAME! HIS YEARS OF WEAK DISCIPLINE FORCED MY HAND!”

If you still think Tagliabue was somehow “protecting” Goodell with his ruling, you wouldn’t think that from talking to those close to Goodell — or, now with Battista’s story, by hearing from Goodell himself. It’s clear the mentee, Goodell, is angry with the decision of his mentor, Tagliabue. The other money quote from Goodell: “If you want to be a cheerleader, go be a cheerleader. If you want to be a commissioner, then go make the decisions.”

Go be a cheerleader? Where to go? Peter has his pom-poms right here.

Quote of the Week V

“You can literally s— on me, and I will still be kind to you.”

— Former running back and NBC football and Today Show announcer Tiki Barber, on The Howard Stern radio show on SiriusXM Radio.

Well, that would certainly be a Festivus miracle.

You just know NBC is gonna pay Tiki $1,000 for all his former coworkers to get a chance to shit on his chest and like it. Tiki will be glad to have the work.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Among the draft choices picked by teams in desperate quarterback straits before Seattle took its current starting QB, Russell Wilson (75th overall) and Washington selected its backup QB, Kirk Cousins (102th overall) in last April’s draft:

Arizona: CB Jamell Fleming (backup corner, special-teamer), 80th overall.

Buffalo: WR T.J. Graham (wide receiver with 30 catches), 69th overall.

Jacksonville: P Bryan Anger (third in NFL in net punting average), 70th overall.

Kansas City: G Jeff Allen and T Donald Stephenson (both have started this year), 44th and 74th overall.

Jets: LB Demario Davis (backup linebacker averaging 21 snaps per game), 77th overall.

“GAZE UPON THE FOOLS WHO CLUELESSLY SKIPPED BY WHEN THEY COULD HAVE HAD THE ULTIMATE PRECOCIOUS QUARTERBACK AND A FUTURE WRITER FOR THE NEW YORKER. THROUGH THE POWER OF HINDSIGHT, I WIELD ALL WISDOM! MAYBE!”

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

Friday, 9:40 a.m., dog-walking near the corner of 56th Street and Second Avenue, on the east side of Manhattan, and I encountered several 40-ish women walking off the property of the High School of Art & Design. One was sobbing. I stopped for a second. A few other people stopped. One of the women looked at me and said, “Just had the moment of silence for Newtown.” We all understood.

Possibly because she explicitly told you what they were doing?

Tweet of the Week I

“Not trying to cause trouble. Just pointing out Alex Smith won his last 4 starts vs Seattle. OK, trying to cause trouble.”

— @marcpurdy, Mark Purdy, sports columnist of the San Jose Mercury News, after the Seahawks had taken a 14-0 lead over the 49ers Sunday night.

You’re not really trolling Kaepernick without mentioning his tattoos.

Tweet of the Week III

“I am a believer in the Constitution and the 2nd amendment, but after watching the NRA press conference, I believe they have lost their soul.”

— @SageRosenfels18, the former NFL quarterback, after Wayne Lapierre of the National Rifle Association spoke Friday.

“I wonder what Sage Rosenfels thinks about the gun debate.” – @Nobody

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 16:

a. Matt Ryan’s downfield throwing ability. He and his receivers, Roddy White and Julio Jones, are going to be tough to defend in the playoffs if he keeps throwing the way he did Saturday night.

Because Roddy White and Julio Jones are usually such an easy draw for defensive backs.

b. Good job, Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, pumping up Bengals defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer’s case for being a head coach. Zimmer should be on every owner’s radar with the job he’s done in Cincinnati.

Zimmer gets brought up as a viable head coaching candidate every goddamn year. I thought you only kissed the ass of people at NBC.

c. Chad (6 of 6 on the first drive against New England) Henne, staving off Tim Tebow already.

This is gonna be a terrible off-season.

e. Roddy White is far better, and far more reliable, than he gets credit for.

Good to know. Because no one had ever thought to consider Roddy White a reliably good receiver before. It was previously all thought to be the prowess of Matt Ryan. And probably Andy Dalton too, because if he gets credit for the win against the Steelers, you might as well attribute the Falcons’ success to him, too.

r. Loved the great cadence by Robert Griffin III at the line, late, trying to draw the Eagles offside.

That’s actually kind of damning of RGIII. Like, Peter King couldn’t find anything better to fluff you about this week than the way you barked while unsuccessfully trying to draw Philly’s defense offside?

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 16:

b. Reggie Nelson hit Heath Miller hard in the knees with Miller in full gallop, and Miller wasn’t happy. I wouldn’t be either. But it’s the kind of hit defenders have to make since they can’t go high on receivers anymore.

ROGER GOODELL MUST BAN FULL GALLOPING!

d. The most fruitless 443-yard passing game (Matthew Stafford’s) that you’ll ever see.

Name five more fruitless 443-yard passing games. You can’t.

f. Can’t miss a 24-yard field goal, Shaun Suisham. And I don’t care about the shaky spot.

Oh, he sure can.

/drinks and drinks and drinks

i. Cam Newton, who should have been thrown out of the game for contacting the ref, Jerome Boger, in Carolina.

Haha, busting on Cam after a win. Of course. Also worth recalling that PK called Matt Leinart the steal of free agency back during the summer. He looked super lofty on Sunday.

3. I think it must kill Lions fans that Calvin Johnson was drafted by Matt Millen.

Actually, they probably don’t care all that much so long as they still have Megatron. Though I’m sure they don’t take kindly to assholes like you bending over backwards to find some silver lining to the disastrous Matt Millen era.

4. I think the one thing about Roger Goodell that becomes apparent the more this sour year goes on is this: He is his father’s son.

Roger Goodell is the son of Roger Goodell’s father. WEIRD.

Goodell has an immunity to criticism that is like few people in the public eye I have encountered. He learned to have a Teflon suit of armor from watching his father, former New York congressman and senator Charles Goodell, take the slings and arrows of his job, including going against his party when he spoke out against the United States’ continued involvement in the Vietnam War. It’s not over yet for Goodell, who will have to take the slings and arrows for HGH testing, a defamation suit by Jonathan Vilma and his trip to New Orleans for the Super Bowl.

Holy shit, Peter are you trying to blow job your way into the Goodell family? They’re not gonna make you an honorary ginger. Though that would explain the Dalton humping

6. I think, if you hooked Mike Mularkey up to a lie detector, or gave him sodium pentothal, you’d know he’d want no part of Tim Tebow on his Jacksonville roster in 2013.

A head coach would rather not have a shitty quarterback who doubles as a mammoth distraction? WEIRDISHLY SEMI-INTERESTING.

7. I think I’m already looking forward to these gems on the 2013 sked: Russell Wilson at Andrew Luck, Russell Wilson playing host to hero Drew Brees, Robert Griffin III at Peyton Manning, Andrew Luck at the 49ers, Denver at New England (for obvious reasons), New England at Houston, Peyton Manning returning to Indianapolis, Tom Brady at Cam Newton, A.J. Green at Calvin Johnson, Peyton at Eli, Aaron Rodgers at Colin Kaepernick. Is it just me, or are there more great games on the horizon than usual?

WOWZERS, CINCINNATI AT DETROIT!!!!!!!!1!!! WOT A GAME!!!!1!!1!!

/forces self into coma until next season

8. I think, with the Calvin Johnson and Adrian Peterson accomplishments hogging so many headlines, it’s fitting to reflect on the 2007 Draft, which has to go down as one of the most compelling, and fruitful, and controversial, ever. Five takeaways from it:

a. The Raiders, not surprisingly, set the franchise back years by passing on Calvin Johnson, Joe Thomas and Adrian Peterson to take the eminently forgettable JaMarcus Russell.

He wasn’t forgettable. JaMarcus was quite memorably shitty.

b. The busts in this draft, compared to who was picked, are all-timers, and I don’t just mean Oakland choosing Russell over Johnson. The Bucs picked the late Gaines Adams over Adrian Peterson.

Tsk, tsk, Tampa, you should have known that guy was going to die when you drafted him.

f. Randy Moss put one final dagger in the Raiders after day one of the draft. Oakland traded Moss to New England for the 110th overall pick. Oakland drafted defensive back John Bowie of the University of Cincinnati with the Moss pick, and Bowie went on to quite a celebrated NFL career: five games, one tackle, no other statistics of any kind. Moss set the NFL record with 23 touchdowns in 2007 for New England, helping the Patriots win the AFC title. JaMarcus Russell and Moss-for-Bowie. That sums up the latter years of Al Davis quite well.

It’s one thing to be an asshole who uses the power of hindsight to make it seem like it was obvious who would be a bust from that draft (PK was pretty damn high on JaMarcus too). It’s another to forget context. Randy Moss was coming off a terrible year and didn’t want to be in Oakland. The Raiders had to dump him for whatever they could get in return. Al Davis was far gone at that point, but not to the extent that he was, like, “Let’s give the Pats this awesome receiver and great teammate for nothing!”

9. I think Bud Adams is going to fire Mike Munchak.

Oh noes! Profanity and un-tucked-in shirts will reign in the Music City!

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. I’m so surprised that the NRA’s executive vice president, first in a statement to the media Friday and then to Meet the Press host David Gregory Sunday, would blame mental health and video games and a tawdry culture and the news media and the news media again and Hollywood … and not guns even in part for the Newtown massacre. Never guns. Guns had nothing to do with the slaughter of 26 innocents at an elementary school, with between three and 11 bullets shot into 20 children.

/braces for inevitable pk clarion call for “SOMEBODY to DO SOMETHING or whatever, I don’t know, I’m just a sports guy but you must hear my uninformed opinions on things.”

c. Shame on you, Wayne LaPierre. And shame on those -

That’ll be enough of that. No surprise that PK falls for the NRA’s diversionary tactics. Like Drew said in his Gawker piece, the NRA exists just to be a stupid punching bag to keep the heat off gun manufacturers and people who actually do shit to create a gun problem in this country. Concentrating on the purposefully idiotic deflection by the NRA is exactly what those dumbfucks want you to do.

f. It’s nine days after an event that still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it long enough. I’m going to skip the other non-football thoughts, except this one: I wish great holidays to all, and a peaceful Christmas to all those who celebrate it.

A Christmas without coffeenerdery and beernerdery? It’s the unloftiest Christmas ever. Coal nuggets for us.

And there is no game tonight, as it should be on Christmas Eve. Enjoy your families.

Fuck that.

The Adieu Haiku

Merry Christmas, Colts.
Coach Pagano returneth.
Who needs other gifts?

PK got a gift
Rog under the mistletoe
With no Teflon on