When last we left glut alarmist, Peter King, he wondered how it is that Roger Goodell can so deftly brush off criticism for the many things that have gone wrong in the league over the past few years, which OF COURSE are not his fault. Oh no, not in the least. He also wasted our time shaming the executive vice president of the NRA because Peter operates under the mistaken belief that he is someone that people turn to for moral guidance in times of crisis rather than just being some fat asshole who bitches about his charmed existence and the Red Sox. He did spare us his regular coffeenerdery, though, which was nice.
But what about this week? Why did we never tell Peter King about “Homeland”? If only a few more major awards and another avanlance of praise were lavished on that show, he wouldn’t be hearing about it just now. Also, Peter is angry that Adrian Peterson is denying Petey the chance to present Peyton Manning with the MVP award while not wearing any pants. READ ON.
What a regular season. What a year. What a Sunday.
What a country!
Even for Peter, that’s a lazy lede. You could use that for just about any in-season column. It’s almost like a prefab open for when he can’t think of anything worse to write.
Tough to be too fired up as Sunday dawned, with 10 of 12 playoff teams already in.
WHAT A SEASON!
There was a win-and-you’re-in game in Minnesota for the Vikings to help determine the 11th playoff team, and an NFC East championship game to determine the 12th. And there was Adrian Peterson, beat up, needing 208 yards to break the all-time single-season rushing record, which seemed the impossible dream. And there was the Black Monday speculation. That was about it. Where was the drama in the AFC? All six playoff teams locked.
NEVER BEFORE HAS THERE BEEN DRAMA LIKE THIS!
And we didn’t count on Green Bay-Minnesota being one of the three or four best games of the year … and Peterson making us hold our breath as he climbed toward a record he had no business breaking
There’s very strict procedure about the business of breaking records. You must make an appointment. I must say, Purple Jesus was very gauche about all this. Very gauche indeed.
and Minnesota trying to beat its arch rival to scratch and claw into the playoffs, and Peterson making a mess of what should have been a Peyton Manning MVP-walkaway.
What should have been? According to what? Your mash notes to Peyton? Fuck you, you creepy starfucker. Peyton has enough awards that writers couldn’t wait to give him. He’ll be fine with his $96 million and his Papa John’s weed empire, you pathetic toadying twat.
Then, in the 256th and final game of the regular season, the Cowboys imploded (Tony Romo most notably, in a car crash of a game for him), and Washington won its first division title in 13 years. A year ago, no one inside the Beltway thought the Redskins would ever have a chance to draft Heisman winner Robert Griffin III, and no one there had heard of Alfred Morris, and no one there had seen anything like a Pistol formation morphing into an option offense. But that’s life in the NFL. Washington’s dangerous now because of one draft and one scheme, and will be for some time.
You underestimate Dan Snyder’s ability to fuck things up at your peril.
The other storylines pale. Andy Reid’s inglorious final game of a 14-year coaching career in Philadelphia, a fitting 42-7 loss to the Giants. The Saints, waiting for King Sean to retake his throne after agreeing to a new contract last Friday, finishing the worst defensive season in NFL history with a 44-38 loss to Carolina. The end of the Tebow Error with the Jets; he played one snap Sunday in Buffalo, handing off to Joe McKnight, which is a beautifully apt way for him to go out.
A more apt exit would be for Tebow to ascend to heaven, where he can diddle Jesus in peace and leave the rest of us the fuck alone.
And the team Manning left, Indianapolis, making one last absurd statement that you can find players to help you win anywhere — like at the Oklahoma City Renaissance Hotel, where Deji Karim was valet-parking cars three weeks ago; on Sunday, he ran a kickoff back 101 yards for a touchdown to help the Colts throw the Texans off the top of the AFC heap.
And Adrian Peterson hogging the day from everyone.
JUST ANOTHER GLORY BOY DAY HOG! THAT’S WHAT PETERSON IS!
Peter had this alllllllll planned out, AP. He made dinner reservations. He wore his least coffee-stained ass chaps. It was gonna be a romantic Week 17 fluff fest. But you just HAD to intrude with your record chase, didn’t you? DAY HOG.
The whole nine yards.
(Stole that from Sam Farmer of the LA Times. More about that later.)
Yes, what a nifty turn of phrase that is so uninspired and groan-worthy that I can’t believe it didn’t come from Steve Serby.
I told Peterson I liked how he went for the record, but I also liked how he and Frazier didn’t do anything to force it. And I asked him, “You said all the right things about how the most important thing was to win the game, but I have to ask, deep down, way deep down, does it hurt that you didn’t break the record?”
“IT HAD BETTER, YOU DAY HOG! BECAUSE IT KILLS ME THAT I CAN’T VOTE FOR PEYTON BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL JUST THINK I’M A SYCOPHANTIC RACIST! I WANT YOUR BLOOD, PIGGY!”
“Yes,” he said. “Yes. Yes. The feeling is there. I understand the big picture, but the feeling is there. I wanted this.”
But he knows he has time. He has 2013. And he said, with a laugh, this was his message for Dickerson, “I’m coming for you.”
One final question: “You’ve made it pretty impossible for the MVP voters,” I told him. “You think you’ve done enough to win it?”
OH MY GOD, YOU SELF-INVOLVED JOURNOSLUT. Why the fuck should Adrian Peterson give the slightest shred of a shit that you have to actually think a little about who you, someone with no insight into the game, will choose as the league’s Most Valuable Player, when you obviously were originally intent on handing it again to your biggest current player crush?
“In my heart, I believe I’m the MVP,” he said. “Whether I win it or not, I feel I’m the MVP.”
Such a tough call.
NOT IT ISN’T! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
I think it comes down to Manning and Peterson; I dissect the choice below. But Peterson, to me, kept chipping away in December, against a slate of teams we all thought would be Minnesota’s Waterloo when December dawned. But in five games this month, Peterson rushed for 861 yards — which would be 19th in the NFL’s rushing standings this season — and carried the Vikings to a 4-1 record and the playoffs. That’s a very strong argument for the award. I wouldn’t pretend to argue against Manning, Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers. But Peterson was as special as a running back could possibly be in 2012.
Or pretty much any fucking year. He fell nine yards short of perhaps the most famous individual record in football even though he had about 30 fewer carries than the guy who set it. On a team with a mediocre quarterback who lost his best receiver midway through the season. And his comeback is every bit as remarkable as Peyton’s.
Quick thoughts on the four games in the Wild Card round:
Sunday, 4:30 p.m. ET (FOX), NFC: Seattle (No. 5, 11-5) at Washington (No. 4, 10-6).
This could come down to which quarterback is healthier, and I’d bet as you read this, Robert Griffin III has some sort of rehab device attached to his wounded knee.
And unless it’s made by EvoShield, maker of indestructible things, in which case you could fire mortar rounds into RGIII’s knee and he’d laugh it off. At least that’s how I assume PK writes EvoShield ad copy.
You could see Sunday night he was about 88 percent whole.
LEGIT 88 percent.
That’s good enough to win most games.
But precocious games? Those require minimum quasi-120-percentishness.
It might not be good enough to beat one of the hottest teams in the league, though the Seahawks were brought down to earth by the Rams a bit Sunday, and they’ll be taking yet another cross-country flight for this game. Russell Wilson’s quarterback rating, last eight games: 127.3, 131.0, 125.9, 104.9, 88.0, 104.4, 115.3, 136.3 … 16 touchdowns, two interceptions, four rushing touchdowns. I’m leaning toward Seattle here.
That and the Seattle kind of sucks on the road. And their run defense isn’t very good, which makes them vulnerable against the Redskins. Oh, sorry, forgot you’re not allowed to bring up anything not directly related to the quarterbacks when discussing Precocious Bowl things.
Coming in the New Year’s Day column: My team of the year, my special teams player of the year, and my unsung offensive and defensive players of the year, along with updates on all the coaching and general manager news from Black Monday.
My Predictions and Reality
My forecast: I had Peyton Manning MVP, Aaron Rodgers and Brooks Reed offensive and defensive player, Andrew Luck and Bruce Irvin as offensive and defensive rookie, respectively, Manning comeback player, and Romeo Crennel coach.
My reality: I voted Adrian Peterson for MVP (edging Manning)
He can be reasoned with! He’ll just bitch endlessly when reason triumphs.
Peterson and J.J. Watt offensive and defensive player, twin ‘Hawks Russell Wilson and Bobby Wagner offensive and defensive rookies, a tie between Manning and Peterson for comeback player, and a tie between Chuck Pagano and Bruce Arians as coach of the year.
Because they’ll both be head coaches next year so it’s important to start sucking up to them now.
Offensive rookie: Wilson over Robert Griffin III and Andrew Luck. Morphing from a laughed-at 5-foot-11, 75th pick in the draft into a tornado-like force at quarterback by December (three games, 150 points, including 42 against the mighty Niners), and playing like Fran Tarkenton with a better arm, Wilson nipped Griffin in my opinion. But if you want either other man, I have zero problem or argument with you.
Yeah, sorry, I know Russell Wilson charmed your pants off during the preseason, but RGIII has been better and more consistent. And he did so on a team where he doesn’t have an awesome defense to bail him out.
Coach: Some might pick Arians alone; some might pick one of many other deserving candidates. Some might say Pagano was 2-2 in the games he coached; how can you pick him? Good question.
After traveling to Indianapolis in November for an SI story on the unexpected rise of the Colts in the absence of the leukemia-stricken Pagano, I saw how involved Pagano was. Scores of texts and phone calls, hours of watching practice tape, every day, while the chemotherapy flowed into a port in his chest … And when I was out with GM Ryan Grigson one night, the phone rang, and it was Pagano. He was telling Grigson to remember to get a ball painted for reigning AFC Defensive Player of the Week Darius Butler, a player Pagano had never met. In other words, he was painstakingly involved in everything that happened with the team this season. Arians, 9-3 in his absence, was the hands-on coach who piloted the Colts into the playoffs. There you have the reason for my split vote.
He had gameball painting duties on lock, my friend. Indispensable contribution to any football team. The Giants started so strong, then balls failed to get painted. The season fell apart. Coincidence? Hardly.
I blew it on Indy and on Andrew Luck’s amazing ability to be average for three quarters and great for so many fourths … I blew it on Joe Philbin’s ability to turn around a sinking ship … And I thought, wrongly, that Matthew Stafford could overcome a terrible secondary by throwing for a jillion yards — I didn’t see Detroit making the playoffs, but I also didn’t see them being out of contention by Labor Day … And I missed the rise of St. Louis, Washington and Minnesota. That’s a lot of missing. I’ll try to be smarter next summer, but knowing me, I probably won’t be.
Awwwww, so humble! Actually, Peter isn’t even aware of what he’s wrong about. He went on local radio in D.C. during the preseason and said he thought the Redskins could win a playoff game this year. So he actually did see them coming. That or he tells people bullshit they want to hear and never takes a firm stance on anything other than how much he loves Pey-Pey.
2. New England (12-4). One win by the Broncos and one by the Patriots … That’s all that stands in the way of a Peyton Manning-Tom Brady AFC Championship Game Jan. 20.
Somebody has to put a stop to this shit.
/looks at rest of AFC field
3. San Francisco (11-4-1). What a long, strange year it’s been: 0-1-1 against the Rams, routed in Seattle, manhandling the Patriots
Yet they’re somehow below the Patriots.
… and this bizarre three-game stretch: 79-3 composite win over Jets and Bills, 26-3 loss to Giants. But here they are with a first-week bye, then a home game to start the playoffs (the Niners beat third-seed Green Bay at Lambeau to start the season, 30-22), with the knowledge that top NFC seed Atlanta is flawed.
Every fucking team is flawed. That’s why you have occasion unexpected lop-sided victories. Because teams find ways to exploit those weaknesses. I throw I’m just hurling reason down PK’s nugget hole when he’s just trying to shit talk San Francisco because they beat his favorite team, but I read this column every week, so it was already clear that I’m a sucker for pointless, painful tedium.
4. Green Bay (11-5). Tough one to lose at the Metrodome, but I don’t see the loss hurting the Pack in the wild-card rematch at Lambeau.
Other than the fact that because they lost THEY NOW HAVE TO PLAY A WILD CARD REMATCH AT LAMBEAU and even if they happen to win that, have to go on the road the next week. But, yeah, no effect from that loss.
6. Seattle (11-5). Ending the season 7-1, with a hot quarterback, should be enough to scare the Redskins this weekend. I said “scare,” not necessarily “beat.”
Because that would suggest you have enough conviction to make a pick. Or form an opinion. Or not just say a bunch of vague shit that you can later take back at your convenience.
7. Washington (10-6). I can see Seattle defensive coordinator Gus Bradley and his staff firing up the tape this morning and wondering how they’re going to stop the unstoppable Redskin in their wild-card meeting Sunday. “Anybody got any ideas about putting a lid on Alfred Morris?” he’ll ask.
Nice that Peter King imagines others to be as bad at their job as he is at his.
8. Minnesota (10-6). America thrilled. Adrian Peterson in prime time Saturday at Lambeau. Hope he’s got enough left to make it as exciting as what we just witnessed.
Hope you’re happy, America. You get your precious Purple Jesus all over again. Peter King won’t say he’s wishing for another ACL injury, but he’s already made a day hog pinata to beat up with Peyton during his Wild Card weekend off.
13. Chicago (10-6). Finished 1-5 and out of the playoffs last year, 3-5 and out of the playoffs this year. So, Phil Emery, we still need to hear the words out of your mouth: Lovie Smith back next season?
Well, we know how that turned out. Just for kicks, let’s imagine how tough Peter will be on Jeff Fisher, with whom PK shares an agent, after next season if the Rams once again miss the playoffs.
15. St. Louis (7-8-1). A total makeover, and still Steven Jackson proved he’s the perfect back for Jeff Fisher. He needs to return in 2013, and he sounds like he will.
Think we got our answer. Yes, Fisher made the Rams better, but NFL teams don’t generally hire coaches just to make incremental gains. Also, really awesome of Jeff Fisher to be able to make use of a great running back like Steven Jackson. Truly, no other head coach could have managed that.
The Awards Section
Offensive Players of the Week
Christian Ponder, QB, Minnesota. Through 15 games, Ponder led the league in one category: scorn heaped on him.
It weighed him down, because scorn is heavy, especially when heaped. Also, how is this not Peterson? Ponder played pretty well for once. I DEMAND MORE DAY HOGGING!
In game 16, he went head-to-head with Aaron Rodgers and more than held his own, piloting a 37-34 win over Green Bay. His 120.2 rating was the highest of his two-year career, and some of his throws — like the 65-yard strike to rookie wideout Jarius Wright — were the kinds you just hadn’t seen him make. He told Troy Aikman and Joe Buck that the game against Green Bay Sunday was a defining one for his career, and he played like he wanted to be defined as a good quarterback.
Yes, but what of the final scorn-heap standings? Did Ponder maintain his lead or was he surpassed by Mark Sanchez, who plays like he wants to be defined by his buttfumble.
Quote of the Week I
“Norv never really got a fair shake. I hope the next guy gets a fair shake.”
— San Diego quarterback Philip Rivers, after the last game of Norv Turner’s San Diego coaching career, to San Diego radio reporter Marty Caswell.
Philip, here’s the way the NFL works:
[Peter draws a photo of Roger Goodell as muscle-y God doing push-ups]
You coach a team with a good quarterback, and you go five years without winning a playoff game, well, you lose your job. You think it ought to be any different than that? You would be one sweet NFL owner, with coaches paying you to work for them.
That’s a revenue stream Dan Snyder wishes he thought of first.
Quote of the Week II
“Sean Payton might want to invest some of that $8 million in buying a defense for next year.”
— Jim Szoke of the Carolina Radio Network, as the Panthers ran through the Saints Sunday, as relayed by ESPN NFC South blogger Pat Yasinkas from New Orleans.
Because that’s how coaching works. It’s like how public school teachers have to buy their own supplies because funding for classrooms sucks. “Be careful, guys. Don’t break that nickel formation. Coach Payton paid for it out of his own pocket.”
New Jersey Stat of the Week
Number of motorists who pumped their own gas: 0
Comparing the tear-everything-down Jets and one of the league’s most stable franchises, the Giants, over the past four seasons. Just thought you’d like to know that as you go about your day putting pins in your voodoo dolls of Rex Ryan and Mike Tannenbaum.
Peter points out that the two are fairly close in regular season and playoff victories. Can’t believe the fans and media are easier on the team that won a Super Bowl during that span. THE NFL IS WEIRD!
Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week
Brian Costello, Jets beatman for the New York Post, saw the snowy forecast in the metropolitan area for Saturday and moved his flight from Newark to Buffalo for Jets-Bills from 3:30 p.m. Saturday to 10:30 a.m., thinking he’d beat the worst of the weather. He did. But then enough happened to him to make him the featured scribe in this week’s travel note.
A good traveler, Costello got to the airport at 9 a.m.
The weather looked fine, and the plane was on time, set to make the 49-minute flight to western New York. Once there, Costello would rent his car, drive to a hotel and write his Sunday preview story on the titanic tussle between a couple of teams playing for nothing.
Shortly before boarding, an announcement came that the lavatory was out of service, and maintenance would have to be called to fix it. Delay of game, two hours. “I thought the Jets season might have clogged the toilet,” Costello said.
Passengers began to board at noon. The plane had to be de-iced, and then it began its taxi to the runway, and around 1 p.m., it appeared the flight would take off on time, despite some snow outside. But then a disturbed-looking and disturbed-acting man in 17B (“Charles Manson-like,” Costello thought)
got out of his seat. The flight attendant asked politely, and then firmly, and then firmly again, for the man to sit down. He wouldn’t.
Which is why this sort of thing would never be allowed to happen on the Acela Quiet Car.
Costello was sitting in 1A. He heard the flight attendant tell the pilot about the wackjob in 17B who wouldn’t sit down, and the pilot made the decision to go back to the gate. Much groaning.
A United Airlines supervisor came on the plane, walked back to where Standing Man was, and escorted him off the plane. Standing Man went peacefully.
So, not at all like Charles Manson.
Now back at the gate, the snow increased in intensity. They weren’t going anywhere for a while. While Newark Airport powers-that-be discussed whether flights would leave the airport, time passed. Finally, at 3 p.m., the pilot taxied out, there was more de-icing, and the plane took off — at about 3:15. Costello was on the ground in Buffalo at 4:10 … about 10 minutes before his originally booked flight would have landed.
Costello got off the plane, went to an airport bar, took out his laptop, ordered some wings, and wrote his advance. At 5:30, he went to fetch his rental car and drove to the hotel. What he took from the fun day in northeastern airports in late December: “There’s no doubt this game is going to be a complete disaster.”
At 9:50 a.m. Sunday, Costello tweeted: “Travel woes postscript: just opened my computer bag and there is a hat in there that’s not mine. Gift from United?”
No, but I think the late John Candy was on your plane, and you just were unwittingly involved in Planes, Trains and Automobiles II.
Also, Peter King thinks you plane was haunted by dead movie characters. Be less haunted, United.
Tweet of the Week III
“Two words I didn’t think I’d tweet today: Ponder ballin’ ”
— @richeisen, the NFL Network host, as the embattled Christian Ponder led the Vikings on the game-winning drive over Aaron Rodgers and the Packers Sunday in Minneapolis.
Michael Irvin taught Eisen hippity hop slang words! How adorbs.
Tweet of the Week VI
“Brings new meaning to the term ‘the whole nine yards.’ ”
— @LATimesfarmer, football writer Sam Farmer of the Los Angeles Times, just after Adrian Peterson finished nine yards shy of breaking Eric Dickerson’s single-season rushing record.
Nope, that old cliche still means the same thing it’s always meant.
Tweet of the Week VII
“local news is asking chargers fans if this is norv’s last game with the team. that’s kind of like asking, is water wet?”
— @SI_JimTrotter, after the last game of Norv Turner’s San Diego coaching career Sunday.
That’s silly. Water is always wet, unless it’s frozen. Which it will be if it’s allowed to play a Super Bowl outdoors in February in New York. It’s science, people. Why must you ignore the warnings of Peter? He thought Romeo Crennel would be a coach of the year candidate.
Ten Things I Think I Think
1. I think this is what I liked about Week 17:
a. Congrats to Clark Judge (cbssports.com) and Sal Paolantonio (ESPN) for being named the 45th and 46th Pro Football Hall of Fame voters. Well-deserved. I know both men as experienced football minds, and they’ll strengthen the committee with their thoughtfulness. Good choices by the Hall.
Oh, more ESPN people are getting Hall of Fame votes? Guess Tebow will be getting in first year of eligibility.
c. On the first play of Colts-Texans, it was fitting J.J. Watt broke through the line and broke up the handoff play, leading to a one-yard loss.
Why is that fitting? Because it gives you a reason to earn brownie points with a star player?
f. Darius Butler, who’s been a gift from heaven at corner for Indianapolis.
That’s not just a lazy manner of speaking. Remember, PK actually believes that God cares about the fate of the Colts and that there is a divine plan for them to play the Broncos in the playoffs. Of course, for that to happen, Indy has to beat Baltimore and Houston must defeat Cincinnati. Which is actually a fairly likely scenario. So just go ahead and kill me now before that happens and PK interprets a cosmic hand in the events.
m. Marshawn Lynch, 1,590 rushing yards. Not much attention to it with all the Peterson attention and Russell Wilson headlines, but anyone who averages 99.4 yards a game deserves major kudos.
Another poor victim of the DAY HOG. If it weren’t for Peter’s tireless commitment to plugging obscure players, we’d never have a chance to learn about guys like Marshawn Lynch.
2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 17:
a. Not sure whether to like or dislike this, but it’s so Patriot to announce the whacking of disappointing 2009 second-rounder Ron Brace at 5:44 p.m. on a Saturday evening of Week 17.
Sure, that’s a shitty thing to do to a player, but HEY, IT’S THE PATRIOTS and Peter King loves Belichick’s particular brand of misanthropy so long as it brings wins and a sense of superiority. Just don’t let PK catch another team’s coach (except Jeff Fisher, natch) pulling some shit like that.
c. Mark Sanchez and the Jelly of the Month Club from Christmas Vacation: the gifts that keep on giving.
All right! Two movie references from the ’80s. This is a timely MMQB! Better be a Caddyshack line before this column is over.
d. One final slap at Tim Tebow, fittingly: Benched in the Wildcat for Jeremy Kerley in Buffalo.
This time last year Peter was calling Tebow the greatest thing to ever happen to football, so just in case you wonder how quickly PK will turn on you if he doesn’t think he needs to suck up.
h. Too many officials look too heavy to me.
Wow. If there’s anybody who shouldn’t fat-shaming others, it’s the shamefully fat Peter King.
3. I think the 2012 Jets are leakier than the 1912 Titanic.
As opposed to what other vintage of Titanic? They really fixed the leakiness issues on the later models, I hear.
5. I think, and this would be an upset for you referee-philes out there, that Jerome Boger is the clubhouse favorite to ref the Super Bowl. Why Boger? A source tells me Boger has the best grade of any ref after the regular season, and under the playoff officiating rules, Boger would have to really mess up his playoff assignment to not get the Super Bowl. I’m also told it’s unlikely two of the best refs out there, Gene Steratore and Ed Hochuli, will get playoff assignments.
That’s what Steratore gets for all the camera mugging he did after the real refs came back. As for Boger, he’s the one with the funny voice who calls flags “fags” and says things like “fawse starr” for false start, so that should be fun.
6. I think, regarding the Pro Bowl, these are the last words you’ll read from me on a game that’s more useless than a fourth preseason game between two teams resting every starter: I have no use for, and no interest in, a process that rewards a Pro Bowl berth to Patriots guard Logan Mankins when he misses seven of 16 games due to injury in 2010 and six of 16 games due to injury in 2012. The selection process is flawed (fans voting for guards?), and the players want the vacation to Hawaii, not to play a game. Bad mix.
The Pro Bowl is indeed a joke and the selection process a sham. No surprise that PK goes looking for a culprit and finds, you, the reader at fault. After all, he must explain to you who Blair Walsh is. How can you be trusted to identify good offensive linemen? You simply cannot. The fan ballot should only be pictures of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. The voter circles the one that he or she wishes to start. The rest will be left to people like Peter King, who farms out actual football analysis in his column to the folks at ProFootballFocus.
God, I hate this asshole.
9. I think a generation from now, Pro Football Hall of Fame voters will have an opposite experience from the one I had over the weekend, when I filled out my ballot voting for the final 15 candidates for election in 2013. No quarterbacks on the list now. And when I look at the landscape this morning, I see so many that Hall selectors might be considering someday. And I wonder: Will there be a quarterback glut in 2030 the way there’s a receiver glut today?
Impending future gluts? Heavens! We haven’t even passed through this glut yet. You Hall voters need glut discipline. You definitely aren’t getting it from PK.
WHAT WHAT IN THE GLUT
10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
a. You never told me about Homeland.
You really fell asleep at the switch, there, didn’t you, America. I mean, it’s not like Saturday Night Live, which is also on Petey’s beloved NBC, had a sketch about it or anything. Or the show won, like, every fucking award at the Emmys this year.
Let’s face facts. You can’t be trusted to vote on Pro Bowl guards and you can’t be trusted to tell Peter King about good TV shows. What are you good for?
Daughter Laura gave me the first season of the show on DVD for Christmas, and, well, wow.
When the turned Marine, Nicholas Brody, breaks out the prayer rug in his garage and starts in with the Allah prayers, it’s good TV. The whole thing, as most of the country knows (and I now realize I’m the only one who wasn’t watching), is good TV.
The whole country better know, because now you’re doling out spoilers.
b. Looking forward to using another Christmas gift, my 34-inch ash bat from the Dream Bat Company in Somers, Conn. Feels like the thin-handled Al Kaline 34 I used in another life.
It’ll come in handy when you need to beat the shit out of another little kid who dares get their mitts on one of your prized foul balls.
e. Did you see the Pinstripe Bowl on TV, with the snow and the sleet and wind? The Super Bowl’s in New York in 13 months. No dome. You’ve been warned.
Fuck you. I hope you get frost bite on your dick.
f. I have no idea how you’d vote for the Baseball Hall of Fame. And we think we’ve got it bad on the football side.
Ooh, you poor media people who get to decide something that millions of people care about. How ever can we repay you? Tell you about TV shows that we’re already talking about?
g. Coffeenerdness: Just my luck Sunday to get behind the Parisians with the $47 order in line at Starbucks in Manhattan. They must love that bisciotti. Got nine of them.
That would be biscotti. Bisciotti is the owner of the Ravens.
Anyway, FUCKIN’ FROGS AND THEIR FANCY COOKIES, AMIRIGHT? YOU AIN’T A REAL COUNTRY UNTIL YOUR PEOPLE ARE SIPPING TRIPLE VENTI CARAMELIZED NUGGACCINOS WHILE EATING A RICE KRISPY TREAT THE SIZE OF A BRICK. Get with it, Frenchies.
h. Beernerdness: Strongly urge you to try my Christmas beer of choice this year, courtesy of my brother-in-law in Somers, Conn.: Brewmaster Jack’s Ambrewsia IPA, from Northampton, Mass. A dark amber look, very hoppy, and for a heavy-alcohol beer, easy to drink. I’ll be back for more.
But is it wet? Does that only apply to water or other liquids that are easy to drink?
i. Happy 2013, everyone. You continue to be a great audience.
“So long as you are counted on to do anything but click on my stuff.”
Among those we lost in a particularly sad year for deaths:
Was it a sad year for deaths? How unlike deaths. Just like the Titanic, probably just a bad vintage. I think 2013 deaths will be nicer.
Sorry, I can’t go through the various obtuse things he said about people who died this year. I just can’t. This motherfucker is closing his column with 1,500 words on various celebrities who died in 2012. This isn’t your fucking holiday card for the nation, you self-indulgent fuck.
But in case you are curious, PK’s obits are just as pointless as you’d think. Two quick examples:
Christopher Stephens, ambassador to Libya. What a needless death.
Donna Summer, singer. She worked hard for the money.
Finally, these people may rest in peace now that Peter King has distilled their lives into four or five meaningless words. I’m just surprised he didn’t sum someone up using only “lofty”.
BobGriff v Wilson
Wild Card dream is coming true.
Will Obama watch?
THE PRECOCIOUS BOWL
A game that will define lofty
Just keep out day hogs
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.