Yay, it’s the fantasy playoffs! Congrats to those who are still playing. As an assurance that I am a LEGITIMATE FANTASY FOOTBALL EXPERT AND NOT AT ALL A SNAKE OIL SALESMAN JUST MAKING GUESSES EVERY WEEK, three of my four fantasy teams are still alive in the playoffs, and the one losing team I had went 4-10 despite scoring more points than the #1 team that finished 12-2. Fantasy football is awful.

The downside to the fantasy playoffs is that everyone who writes in to the mailbag only needs fantasy advice, so there’s not a lot in the way of messed up sex stories this week. On the other hand: PICTURES! Read on.

KSK:
Football: Is there such thing as fantasy college football? I think it would be awesome, especially when you consider how the top ranked teams might not necessarily have the best choices.

Of course there is. I know not a single person who plays it.

Women: I’m interested in a girl I know, and I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual. The issue is I’m hesitant to ask her out because her mother has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and from what little I know, it sounds like things aren’t going well. She doesn’t much talk about it. I know everyone is different, but if I were in her shoes, I would be spending most of my time with family, and wouldn’t want the distraction of dating, a potential relationship, etc. How would you approach the situation?
Sincerely,
Cosme Fulanito

I swear I got this question last week. Maybe I’m just getting senile.

You’re correct that cancer and the specter of death can leave people feeling less than romantically inclined. And yet, I feel that hesitation in asking someone out usually leads to that person dating someone else, and you end up hating the impolite asshole who swooped in and got her during a time of distress. “Well, shit! If I’d known she was open to dating, I would have asked her out!” said millions of guys throughout history who thought they were being considerate.

So go ahead and let your intentions be known, but handle it with grace and care. “Hey, I know you’re going through a really hard time, but if you ever need a laugh or a distraction or a drink, I’d love to take you out.”

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Hey Ufford,
Can you make my fantasy playoff decisions for me? I need a WR, a RB and a Flex out of:

Mike Williams (@NO)
Bryce Brown (CIN)
Lawfirm (@PHI)
Jacquizz (NYG)
Jordy Nelson (If not dead) (@CHI)
Lafell (If not dead) (@SD)

Brown, Williams, and Lawfirm.

No sex question, and I can’t google for sexy pictures because I’m at work.
Thanks,
— Gord

I don’t buy it. Listen, I don’t NEED sexy pictures from readers — I have the internet, too — but don’t tell me you CAN’T send a sexy picture. Y’all have smartphones. Anywho, I’ll pick up the slack and direct you to a fun bikini battle between Claudia Galanti and Claudia Romani. Who are they? No idea!

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Dear Gods,
I’m the returning champ in my league, and I want nothing more than to punish my shitty little minions two years straight.

“How dare they be not as good as me?!?”

The dilemma: After a nice first round bye watching Tom Brady donkey punch the Texans, he now has to face San Fran’s D. I haven’t sat him all year, but this is make or break, and I’ll be goddamned if I take third place. Josh Freeman is my backup against NO and has a pretty good shot at going off on them. Do I doubt Tawmmy for the first time this year and start Josh Freeman, or do I put the bawl in his hands and pray?

This is the first time I’ve ever asked for fantasy advice. My gut is telling me Josh Freeman, but I could really use some affirmation.

Ordinarily, I say stand by your star players, but the Niners defense is a legitimate concern. Only two QBs have put up 20+ FP against them all season — Aaron Rodgers in Week 1, and Christian Ponder in Week 3 (Ponder ran for a TD in that game). Other than that, only Drew Brees and Sam Bradford (???) have had good fantasy games against the Niners. Given that Brees and Rodgers are on that list, I think Brady at home is a safe play.

Still, I think the historic shittiness of the Saints D makes Freeman the better play. I don’t expect a repeat of his Week 7 420-3-0 performance, but the Saints have given up quality starts (16+ FP) to 11 of 13 QBs they’ve faced this year, with seven of those going for 22+. Based on the matchups, I’d go with Freeman — and feel sick about it all day, probably.

That’s all I’ve got… everything is shored up on the home front.
-Jimmy

Well well well, another shiftless layabout just siphoning the mailbag for fantasy advice.

Guess I’ll pick up the slack AGAIN. Here’s Kate Upton topless on a swan.

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Caveman,
Fantasy: First time writer here. I won in the first round of fantasy playoffs last week and being that this is the furthest I’ve ever made it (been playing for 7 years so thats kinda sad), I figured it was high time to ask for some advice. My WR1 and 2 are Colston and D. Thomas so I’m good there, but I have a to decide who to go with as a WR3 and flex. PPR league, J. Gordon (home v. Wsh), S. Smith (@SD), Hartline (home v. Jac), G. Olsen (@SD), or J. Rodgers (home v. NYG)? I’m leaning toward Gordon and Smith who have both had a couple solid weeks in a row. Any help would be appreciated.

Yes, Gordon and Smith are the same guys I’d go with. Gordon’s emerged as a legit fantasy option (and should do well against the soft Skins D), and Cam Newton’s resurgence adds value to Smith.

Sex: Things are going good here so I offer up this picture as penance.
-Donkey Teeth

Note: the picture attached was smaller than an iPhone screen and not all that great. This one’s way better.

(picture via)

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Master Uff,
Fantasy: Second week of playoffs and big conundrum. I have 4 rb: Wilson (vs atlanta), rice (vs broncos), brown (vs bengals on thurs) and Leshoure (vs cardinals) while also having shorts (vs Miami) Alexander (vs Car) and garçon (vs browns). I have rg3 and red rocket as well. Should I play dalton and sit rg3? Who should I play for my flex? Rice and brown would be my RBs and Alexander and Garçon my wrs.

So… you have 2 RB / 2 WR / 1 flex? That kind of information is usually helpful, you know.

Play Ray Rice every week. I like Wilson against Atlanta if Ahmad Bradshaw’s a scratch, otherwise I’d give Bryce Brown a slight nod over Leshoure because of the way Joique Bell’s been getting touches. At WR, I’d go with Alexander and Garcon is RG3 starts. If not, I’d probably start Shorts over Garcon. Start RG3 if he’s healthy.

Sex: Girlfriend and I just hit a year together. Coming from your own experience, any ways to keep fire going outside of the bedroom?
-WJRP

I dunno. Flowers and shit. Eating healthy and staying in shape. Date nights. The occasional gift of lingerie to tell her, “Hey, I like it when you wear lingerie.”

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Cap’n,
Sex: The gf and I would like to try anal sex but neither of us has ever done it. Since I’m assuming that I can’t just put a ton of lube on my dick and shove it in there, is there a good way to “prepare” her for this?

Whoa! Welcome back, “I want to have anal” questions. I feel like it’s 2009 all over again.

As I’ve said before, I’m no expert on the subject, but conventional wisdom says to use plenty of lub, and start with smaller objects, such as fingers or the ol’ beginner’s butt plug.

(via

I also recommend a bottle of champagne. To drink, I mean.

Fantasy: 2 questions. I got kind of fucked with injuries this year, but I made it to the playoffs and am trying to decide who to start. Pick 2: Maclin (@ Cin), Malcolm Floyd (@ Car); Shorts (@ Mia); TY Hilton (@ Hou); Andre Roberts (@ Det). I know it’s not pretty but I was leaning towards Maclin and Shorts. Also, I have Bryce Brown and LeSean McCoy any thoughts on that situation?
Thanks,
D’Glester Hardunkichud

Maclin and Shorts would be my plays as well. Given the way the Eagles have shut down Vick, I think Brown will continue to get the nod.

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Dear KSK,
Women: Ex and I broke up a while ago due to my moving a great distance away for work. Nothing acrimonious, we’re still on good terms. We’re both still single, so out of boredom and a desire for intercourse, we were planning to get together some weekend in the future. However, since it requires a plane flight I have to book it a couple months in advance. Can I be open to dating other women in my present city until then? I don’t want to start seeing another girl only to disappear for a weekend to see an ex in the middle of it. That feels like a long-term timebomb if a potential relationship develops. Do I owe it to that ex, out of respect, not to start seeing anyone seriously until we wrap up that weekend and move on with our lives? Whatever options makes is the least skeevy here is appreciated.

Yeah, that’s a difficult scenario. You’re essentially cock-blocking yourself now to have sex later. Sure, the investment pays off, BUT AT WHAT COST?

Anyway, the short answer is “date casually and carefully.” The longer answer involves an evaluation of the different possible scenarios in the time between buying the plane ticket and the day your ex arrives — which, by the way, should be like six weeks MAX, not “a couple months.”

  • You don’t meet anyone worthwhile. Yay! Green light for guilt-free ex sex.
  • There are a couple girls you’ve met and maybe gone on a date or two with, but nothing serious. Still good.
  • You have someone who’s a reliable but infrequent booty call. Let’s go to the judges, annnnnd… they’ll allow it.
  • You meet someone and go out a couple times. You like her.
That last scenario — and anything more serious on the dating front — gets a flashing orange light to warn you of the dangers that follow if your ex visits: usually a series of white lies and half-truths that leave you looking over your shoulder and avoiding your usual hangouts, a house of cards that tumbles at the wrong question, an incoming text, or some unforeseen black ice of bad luck. Other than the sex, it’s a bad way to spend a weekend.
So go ahead and date, but DON’T LIKE ANYONE. Godspeed.

Fantasy: Had a bye in the first round of my playoffs, now playing in the semis. My two QBs are Luck and Schaub, who are of course playing against each other this week in real world football. Who do I start on my team? Scoring: 25 yds per point, 4 pts passing TD, -1 for INTs. Honestly this is more pressing than the relationship question. It’s tearing me apart.
Thanks,
The Player Formerly Known as Mousecop

Luck has a 8/13 TD-INT ratio on the road this year. Of course, he’s also shown that he can run for scores, and the sheer volume of throws makes him an attractive option. On the other side of the ball, Schaub is competent but rarely gets gaudy numbers due to the Texans’s run game. I think Schaub is the safer option, with Luck offering more upside. I’d probably start Luck despite my concerns about his accuracy — I think he’ll put up good fantasy numbers through sheer volume of attempts.

Good luck, everybody. For more fantasy football advice, watch this week’s episode of Keepers.

WARNING: there was a new editor this week who didn’t apply the usual yellow/orange filter. Hence my ghostly pallor.