This song is four years old, but I just discovered it the other day thanks to Bohemea. Probably because I haven’t listened to the Hives since 2003. Still, as someone who doesn’t often go for modern or depressing Christmas songs (I’m not even a fan of the Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”), I have to admit that I really like this one. The lyrics have a lot of sex and bad decisions.

SPEAKING OF SEX AND BAD DECISIONS… Hoo-wee, is this a massive mailbag. It approaches an obscene 6000 words, but I got too many great questions to leave out, and I figured, “Hey, it’s Christmas. And championship week!” Can’t leave people out in the cold, you know? So let’s get into it:

Dear Purveyors of Poon,
Fantasy: made it to the championship. Woohoo! First pay league, first meaningful trophy. Conundrum, though.

I’ve got 3 QBs: Russell Wilson (vs SF), and then RG3 and Cousins (vs Phi). I’m thinking I should go with either Redskins QB, but Wilson just saved my season this week.

Looks like RG3’s going to play, and he’s the one to start. He torched the Eagles last time around, and the ‘Skins wouldn’t start him unless he’s healthy. As I say in the SEASON FINALE OF KEEPERS, I think the Niners’ speed at linebacker will limit the success of the read-option.

Really hope I’m wrong. Go Seahawks. Anyhoo, start RG3.

Also, I’ve got a WR issue. Besides Demariyus Thomas, I need to find 1 wr and 1 flex to start this week: Cruz (@ Bal), Babypuncher (vs Oak), Danario Alexander (@NYJ), Crabtree (@Sea) or David Wilson (@Bal)?

Cruz and Steve Smith. Cam Newton’s been the best fantasy QB for the last month, and the Raiders suck.

Side note: fuck the Giants. I started Wilson and Marty B in that abortion last week and flamed out of the playoffs.

Sex: BJs don’t do it for me. They get the engine running, but they don’t finish the race. Is this a normal problem?

I certainly hope so. I’m the same way.

It’s not the worst thing in the world, I guess, because I don’t have to worry about a premature ending before I can please the lady friend, but I imagine it’d be nice to be watching TV or playing a game, she feels like going down, and however many minutes later the deed is done. Any ideas / suggestions / solutions?
-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Ha ha, oh man, I want to know everything about your age and relationship status. “Hey guys, who else is dating a girl that gets overcome with lust and wants to service you while you’re watching TV or playing Xbox? Sure would be nice if I could finish in her mouth without pausing the game, right? You know, as a favor to her.”

For real though, it’s not the worst problem to have. Of course, you should alert anyone who goes down on you of your peccadillo before her jaw gets sore. When it comes (sexual term) time to finish, take over with your hand. You may have to pause the game, unfortunately.

**********

Uff-
Football first. My girlfriend’s brother asked me to stand in for a friend of his for this season’s live draft. I happily obliged and put together a competitive but not outstanding team. I was asked to take that team over after week three because the previous owner claimed he didn’t have time. I had never played ff before but I did wear pads between the ages of 7-21 as a gritty, anti-GLOREE white boy with Rudy’s heart and my grandmother’s speed. Long story short, I’m more familiar with the game than the average fan but completely ignorant when it comes to fantasy etiquette and protocol.

I was on the playoff bubble until injuries to Gronk and Harvin forced me to drop both to make room for potential waiver wire saviors. That didn’t work out and I’m okay with that. My problem (and question for you) regards what happened after I dropped those players and what I found out about the construction of the league well after the fact. Another owner with a strong team picked up Gronk after I dropped him. At the time I assumed he was making a long shot bet that Gronk would hurry back and help him if he made it deep into the playoffs. I only asked him about the moves after he picked up Harvin. Turns out that the league is now a keeper league. This was decided mid season and was shared through word of mouth. Unfortunately it was never brought to my attention.

Word of mouth? What is this, the 15th century? Are you playing fantasy football in a time before the printing press was invented? If so, how did you email me?

The commissioner can inform the league to changes in settings one of two ways: (1) an email sent to everyone in the league, or (2) posting to the league’s homepage (not preferred, as there’s no guarantee people will see it. Your commish is capital-letters FULL OF SHIT.

In addition, we had an auction draft but the commish neglected to put a value system in for waiver pickups. His solution is that, for next season only, each owner can keep two players for $1 each. I think this is a shitty idea for a number of reasons, the most obvious being that I’m severly butthurt over the prospect of not getting huge tight end value for almost nothing. Am I right to be pissed? Is there a more equitable solution that’s fair to everyone but also allows for keepers from this season’s teams? There’s no malice or intentional deception from anyone here, just an honest oversight from an airhead commish and an opportunistic owner. It’s been a fun, good natured league but I still think this situation is bullshit. Am I wrong?

You are not wrong. You deserve to have Gronk back on your team; you should never be placed at a competitive disadvantage because of unannounced changes to the league. Your commish and the owner who picked up Gronk should recognize what’s fair here.

Sex/relationship- My girlfriend of almost a year (the commissioner’s sister)

THE PLOT THICKENS

recently bought a house. While I supported her decision and helped a great deal with the search, I wasn’t involved legally or financially involved with the purchase. I have been, however, VERY involved with the preparation and improvement of said house in the lead up to her actually moving in.

There’s your angle. “Give me back Gronk, or so help me God I will install faulty electrical wiring in your sister’s house!”

I’ve done so happily and without reservation. My only concern is that, while there is a great possibility of a long term future with this girl, she has already started with the “we” and “our” business, as in “we” might finish “our” basement with a bar or pool table or something.

Again, I do think there’s a future with this girl. I’m just worried that, by turning her house into “our” house, I might be on the hook for something I’m not prepared to do in the immediate or near future. I have my own place and an already substantial financial commitment as I finish up a masters. While there’s an attractive but ultimately superficial appeal to eliminating one money suck by going all in, I don’t know if I would be making that decision for the right reasons and I care about the girl too much to not be sure. The other (possibly primary, although I don’t know if I’d admit it under oath) concern is that this would be a very large step in a direction I’m not sure I can commit to with her or anyone else at this point in my life. It seems like, by commiting fully to the “our” and “we”, I’m making a promise I don’t know I can keep. Are these just your classic late 20-something commitment phobias or something else? Thanks for your time.
-Name Wif Eld

This is the difference between the single man and the married one: you see it as “oh no the looming spectre of lifelong commitment!” while I’m all “SHIT YEAH FREE HOUSE.”

I can’t tell you if it’s typical commitment-phobia or something else — that’s for you to decide. You’re the one who knows your girlfriend and is in a relationship with her, after all. But personally? I wouldn’t paint a chick’s house unless she gave me regular toe-curling sex or I really loved her. (In a perfect world, I guess it would be both.) (In a more perfect world, she would be rich and hire other people to paint.) (I fucking hate painting.)

Anyhoo, you get the same answer everyone who asks this question gets: communicate your concerns and be open about your uncertainty regarding the future. It’s natural for her to want to build a nest, and in the absence of communication she’ll fill in the details that make her happy.

***********

Hey Uff,
Relationships: one of my best friends, who I’m not as close to as I used to be, recently told me he’s gonna ask his girlfriend to get married. They’ve been dating for about 2 and a half years. Of our group of friends from high school he would be the first guy to get married. We are all about 25-26. I think she will say yes and I think he has a solid plan (involving dog bearing the ring, they like dogs). Two questions though: if I think he could make a small tweak to the plan (him asking her instead of putting a note on the dog) is it my place to say anything?

Ehhhh… I suppose you can offer a suggestion. I look back on my own imperfect proposal, and I’m not sure how open I would have been to ideas. Like, maybe a friend could have given me a tweak or two, but really the most important thing was getting that goddam tiny box out of hiding and putting the ring onto my girlfriend’s finger. It was this tiny hidden thing that was constantly at the blazing forefront of my consciousness, and I was terrified of losing it. My wife will never be truly satisfied with the proposal she got, but she should be happy that I didn’t throw the box at her and yell “FOR GOD’S SAKE TAKE THIS AND PUT IT ON ALREADY!”

They like dogs. Let the dog deliver the note. Or not. What man cares about another man’s proposal? You’re weird.

Second, I’m pretty sure he will ask me to be the best man, so do you have any tips on that (speeches, duties, etc)? I should note the only wedding I’ve been to was my uncle’s when I was ten.
Thanks,
Needing help getting over the goal line

You have only three duties as the best man: the bachelor party, getting the groom to the altar, and a speech.

1. The bachelor party. Planning shit sucks, so delegate this to someone else. It should be reflective of the groom’s desires for his bachelor party, not necessarily the stereotypical limo and four hours at a strip club. When I was younger, I definitely went to a couple bachelor parties that included the strip club thing, but throughout my late 20s and 30s — as friends got scattered across the country and we saw each other more rarely — the focus became more on spending quality time with each other. Some of the ideas I’ve seen here in the mailbag (and in person):

  • Private room at a steakhouse followed by bottle service at a nice club
  • Poker night with lots of whiskey
  • Booze cruise
  • Trip to the gun range followed by dinner
  • Renting a cabin in the woods for the weekend

Ask the groom what he wants, then plan EXACTLY that. He deserves it. While planning the wedding, he’s in a world of stationery and frilly shit that he has to make concessions on even though he never cared about it before getting engaged.

2. Getting the groom to the altar. (a) Make sure he’s sober enough not to sway in front of the congregation. (b) Have a handkerchief in case he sweats. (c) Don’t forget the rings. (d) A flask isn’t a terrible idea, but be mindful of (a).

3. Your speech. The best man’s speech should NOT be about what awesome friends you are with the groom. It’s supposed to be about the newly married couple. Obviously, your history with the groom dates back longer than yours with the bride, but it’s supposed to be a celebration of their love, not an epic recounting of your friendship. Funny is good, sincere is better. If you can do both, then your speech will be better than most given at weddings. (lookin’ at you, 99% of maid of honor speeches).

**********

Oh Captain my captain,
Fantasy first. In a great league, for next year I’ve an idea of running two with the same sets of members. Simple idea, best format possible for one and worst for the other just to see what happens. What would you recommend as the best form of league for positions/scoring for the first and the worst possible for the second?

My ideal set-up would be 12 teams, QB | RB | RB | WR | WR | WR | TE | W/R/T | K | D/ST, five bench positions, 4-point passing TDs, 1 point per 25 yards passing, 1 point per 10 yards rushing/receiving, 0.5 PPR. The small bench and third WR ensures a lot waiver/free agent activity, and I like the option of playing a tight end in the flex, even though tight ends are fucking dogshit this year. Half-point PPR gives enough added value to WRs and pass-catching backs without overweighting them.

Worst possible set-up: any league that starts two quarterbacks and has six-point passing TDs. Oh, and IDP. LOTS of IDP.

These are just my personal preferences, of course. Other people are going to disagree, and they’re welcome to do so. It’s like sex: as long as you have willing partners and aren’t hurting anyone, it’s fine by me. That said, I wouldn’t knowingly join a six-point passing TD league any sooner than I would ask my wife to take a dump on my chest.

Sexytime. I went through the break-up process we all do a couple of years ago. Felt sorry for my ass for about 6 months and to be frank I was crushed, then my flatmate who is a really close pal moved overseas for a better job. Having previously used this mailbag solely for laughs, I decided it was time to pay some heed to the Captain’s plan. Dude, thank you. I focussed on getting better at cooking, getting fitter, and even started making my own beer/wine. Getting focussed really got me back in the game, after some fun with a fuck buddy I met this great girl, we’ve been together a year and a half and I couldn’t be happier. Oh and despite making my own booze I knocked 8 minutes of my marathon PB and I’ve just published my first book. I had a lot of help from friends around me giving me requisite kicks in the ass but the PLAN gave me structure. I know this isn’t technically a question so I’ve attached a couple of photos of Dita von Teese as I think it’s been too long since she graced this column.
Rock on,
Witty Nickname Playing Off Topical Event Featuring a Dick Joke

SEE, PEOPLE? IT WORKS.

The typical internet buffoon always says some stupid shit about Dita being too pale or dating Marilyn Manson, but they’re fat all morons who jerk off to horses. Dita is EXQUISITE. Old-fashioned glamour, an endless supply of high heels and pencil skirts, AND she takes her clothes off.

**********

Dear KSK,

Fantasy first: Got a couple lineup questions for the big championship game this weekend in my 14-team league. At QB, do I start Sam Bradford (vs. TB) or a banged-up RG III (vs. PHI assuming he plays)?

I think Bradford will be fine — Tampa Bay is truly that bad against the pass — but I’d have to go with RG3. Start the star.

And please pick two for my last WR slot and flex: Bryce Brown (vs. WAS), Jeremy Kerley (vs. SD), Heyward-Bey (vs. CAR), Greg Olsen (vs. OAK), Danny Woodhead (vs. JAC), Domenik Hixon (vs. BAL). All of these guys seem to be feast or famine for the most part (except for Kerley, who is almost all famine). It’s a PPR league with 6 points per td pass.

Yuck. Brown and… uh… Olsen? I want to say DHB, but I just think the Panthers are the better offense.

Sex: Been dating this girl for about 13 months now (I’m 27, she’s 22) and for the most part it’s been great. We’ve had fights here and there but I would still say it’s been the best year of my life and I could see myself marrying this girl – at least I thought I could… After Hurricane Sandy, she stayed at my place in Queens for three weeks because her apartment building was without power. It was a great three weeks – we didn’t fight once, had a lot of fun and I didn’t have to make the trek to her boring-ass neighborhood (about a 35-45 minute commute depending on the subways). It was so good in fact, that I invited her to just move in full time (she was also having major issues with her roommate so she was dying to get out anyway).

Uh oh.

This move may have been premature. In the weeks since she’s moved in, it’s been good but not great and I have found myself getting annoyed with her more often and it kind of blew up Monday night when she dragged me to a concert that went till about 2 am despite the fact I had work the next day and she didn’t (still in school). Anyway, got in a HUGE fight that really had probably been building for a couple weeks now – I told her that I laid around this past weekend while she was out of town because it just felt so great to not have a commitment that I had to use that time to do nothing but watch tv and smoke, and she told me we should just have separate social lives. It’s gotten to the point that if we weren’t living together I would probably just end things, or at least ask for time apart. Obviously living together complicates things now, especially with how recently it was that she moved in. I can’t really just kick her out after a month, and I’m not really sure how to proceed.
Thanks,
Too Soon

Looks like Hurricane Sandy wasn’t the only disaster!

Welp! The best thing to do is recognize that you made a mistake (whether that mistake is asking her to move in or dating a college student when you’re 27 is up to you) and correct it as soon as possible. I know a couple who’d been together for a while, moved in together, realized they weren’t ready to live together, broke up and moved apart, got back together, and — years later — finally moved back in together. They’re weird and should not be your blueprint, but I thought you might want to know that a happy ending might exist.

ANYWAY, as I’ve said before, when a couple starts living together, it intensifies everything in the relationship. The good stuff becomes better, but it also throws a bright-ass spotlight on the problems. Your fight may have been a culmination of a lot of feelings, but from your story of being dragged to a concert on a weeknight, there’s an obvious hole in your relationship where communication and empathy should be.

Seriously: 13 months of dating, and she either doesn’t respect you needing to go to bed for work, or you haven’t established a communication pattern where you can tell her you don’t want to go. I obviously don’t have all the information about your relationship, but it sounds to me like you’ve overlooked key parts of building a relationship because you enjoy fucking a 22-year-old. (Not a terrible idea, btw. If I remember correctly, 22-year-old women are a lot of fun to sleep with. I’d HATE to live with one, though.)

As for what to do: you need to decide RIGHT NOW whether this is a relationship you want to save and improve or if it’s one where your dick made one too many decisions. If it’s the former, then you have a long talk with her about what you need to work on, whether she should stay or move out, et cetera. If it’s the latter, WELCOME TO PAIN, because you’ve just started life with a roommate who’s your ex-girlfriend. Be a gentleman and help her find a new place to live.

**********

Dear KSK
Fantasy Football:… I hate to admit that even though our ff league has been around for nearly a decade we don’t have a trophy or a name for our championship. We’re making the league loser get us a trophy (which will have a giant cup on the top) but we need a name for it. Our current front runners are, calling out the 1 friend that’s not in the league who likes to drink a lot (Timber Chalice… as in, we drink so much we fall over drunk), or something related to the SHIVA BOWL, but I know we can do better so I’m going to the experts. Got any ideas or suggestions?

SEX: When is it OK to toss a salad… or better yet, when is it NOT OK? Obviously immediately out of a shower is OK and after eating Mexican it’s definitely not OK, but for example what about after a night of heavy drinking? I’m drunk so I don’t mind getting a little freaky, but should I be worried about sweat or drunk shits (do girls do that)? For you viewing pleasure, here is a glorious gif.
-Donkey Teeth [Administrative note: Everyone who doesn't sign their email with a name is always Donkey Teeth.]

Ah, so TODAY is the day I get to give another man advice on licking buttholes. Look, Ma, I made it!

This may come as a surprise, but I’m actually not an expert on licking people’s anuses. I guess I just never developed a taste for it. But hey: there is a train for every passenger, and I don’t complain about the quiet car rules because they’re posted for all to see.

So, because I’m a nice guy, I went to Google for you, and it seems like this article that begins “I love eating out assholes” is a good place to start. She recommends analingus only after the recipient is freshly showered.

*********

Dear Pussy Purveyor & Anonymous Internet Advice Dispenser,
Through some miraculous stroke of the Fantasy Football Gods smiling upon thee, I find myself in the Championship game in both leagues I participate in. Never won the ‘ship so I’m anxious to finally cash in.

Lg #1 I have QB issues:
Dalton v Pitt
Rivers v Jets
OR I could pick up Stafford

And who’s Stafford playing? Guess I’ll just look that up myself, you inconsiderate bastard. Ah, the Lions are versus Atlanta! Thanks for keeping that information to yourself.

The Jets and Steelers are among the best in the league at shutting down fantasy QBs, so pick up Stafford. (By the way, Stafford’s better than both your stiffs. In fact, it’s kind of insane that you made the championship game with Dalton and Rivers as your QBs — though I suppose playing in a league where Stafford’s on the waiver wire begins to explain it.)

Lg #2 I am struggling with my TE and Defensive choices
Davis v Sea (tough matchup)
Chandler v Mia
OR I could pick up Myers from Oak

Again with no matchup. I’ll just assume Myers is facing an IRS audit and the Monstars from Space Jam, so I don’t like his chances. Go with Davis.

Defense: Giants, Dolphins or I could pick up SD

I like the Dolphins D. They’re great at stopping the run, and Fitzpatrick is usually good for a pick or two.

Now onto the hell that I’ve created for myself in the real world. After reading my story I fully expect a virtual crotch kick. I type this as both a cautionary tale to readers everywhere and as a means of catharsis.

I’m 34 yrs old and have known and dated my wife since I was 15.

About 4 years ago I decided that the verbal abuse towards me and my children needed to end and I moved out; we continued to split custody. During that 18 month timeframe/sabbatical I had never experienced the wild crazy and random hookups that were going on around me during college as I was always together with her. I also began to find myself and enjoy the alone time and the non-responsibility of maintaining a household and dealing with kids for a few days. After dating a number of different girls in both appearance and personality I began to question what I truly wanted in a partner. Looking back I really gave none of these women a chance because after 2-3 dates I would make reasons up in my head why I’m dumping her. If she had kids I would say that I could never be a step-parent. If she didn’t have kids I would say to myself that she’ll never truly understand what my relationship is like with my own children. After a while dating does get old and loneliness does set in.

There’s only one thing to do: SETTLE!

During this separation my ex lost about 20 pounds and began wearing makeup on a daily basis for the first time in her life. It was like interacting with a whole new individual who was kind and understanding and her short fuse with the kids (and me) disappeared. We began spending more time with each other like we were married again as a family, it’s just that we’d go home to our separate residences at night. While all this was going on I continued to date other girls less and less….getting back with her was imminent.

After my 18 month lease was up I moved back home. Things were great…we treated each other with respect and understanding that was lacking previously. With both our financial situation improving immensely we agreed to buy a bigger/better house as I was convinced that she had truly changed.

But shortly after we moved to the new house the weight went back on and the short fuse reappeared; I began shutting down and shutting her out emotionally again.

The day before Thanksgiving while things were tense I got a call that my estranged father was in hospice. To shorten up a long story she became overly dramatic/crying about our own relationship and was extremely selfish while I went to spend his final days with him and make arrangements. At that point I knew this wasn’t the person I wanted to be with, to be so selfish at a time like that. Last week I have no idea what light switch turned on, but we emailed most of the day about our differences and that she wanted to make this work. She admitted being an uncaring person and that the stress of her job/kids had gotten to her.

This is what crazy people do, by the way. They’re controlling and suspicious and quick to anger over the tiniest details — right up until the point the sane person says, “Fuck this, I’m leaving.” Then it’s all sugar and tears and apologies. I’ve played that game — or rather, been played by it. No fucking thank you.

The ass kissing for the past week has been unbelievable and frankly I haven’t been receptive to it since I don’t believe it to be sincere. She’s trying to initiate sex and I’ve flatly rejected her…partially because of the guilt and partly because of not being attracted to her any longer makes my dick unhard.

My initial goal was to get through the holidays for the kids before all this started and just tell her it’s over after New Years, but her bringing our issues up before then changed my plans. I think I’ve pretty much “checked out” of our relationship and to tell her I’m done. When it comes down to it though seeing her face when I do tell is just an awful proposition. I HATE HATE HATE seeing a woman cry, I think it’s one of the worse things to witness as a man.

So to my question: can people truly change? Is her ass kissing just a short term reaction to her life being turned upside down? Will I regret staying with her or would I regret leaving?
Thanks,
DG

Look at Lucy’s cunty smile. She knows she’s going to win every time, because Charlie Brown is a goddam idiot who never learns from his mistakes.

I think you already know what to do. Let’s put it this way: did you regret leaving last time?

**********

Cap,
Fantasy First: It’s the championship game, and having AP and Arian has gotten me this far, but I’m worried that the rest of my grab bag of awful is going to cost me the title. First, pick a QB, Shaub vs. MIN or R. Wilson vs. SF. I honestly think I should roll the dice will Russell because if he rushes for even one score, it’ll outdo whatever Schaub can muster up.

Russell Wilson didn’t have a rushing touchdown all year until he scored three last week. As much as I love his numbers at home, I think Schaub’s the safer play. (It’s possible that I’m unconsciously reverse-jinxing things, but I don’t think so. The Niners D is scary.)

Next pick a RB/WR Flex and a WR (My WR1 is filled by Baby Punching Steve Smith) from Maclin vs. WSH, Amendola @TB, Santana Moss @PHI, Montell Owens vs. NE, and Golden Tate vs. SF. I think Amendola against the Bucs is probably the right choice for the WR2. After that, do I choose Wilson and Tate and pray the San Fran first team D’s bus breaks down on the way to the game or play it safe and put in Shaub and Maclin?

Maclin and Amendola. Don’t get cute, just play the best bets — Redskins and Bucs are at the bottom of the league in pass defense.

Sexy Time Second: Two years ago at a wedding, I met a girl that I consider the perfect all around girl for me. We come from similar backgrounds, have similar likes/dislikes, and I think she is stunningly beautiful. I’ve never felt a connection this strongly about anyone. Anyways, we hook up all wedding weekend, then she returns to LA and I remain in New Orleans; however, I was heading out on a work trip that Sunday to Denver and she ended up flying through Denver back to LA. We sat next to each other on the plane (Southwest) and talked the entire time. I’m not a fate kind of guy, but that’s a Peter King level of weird there, I think? I fell hard for this girl, but with no interest in moving to LA, after a few months of back and forth, it faded out.

Fast forward to last weekend, I am in NYC for my company Holiday party, and guess who has recently moved to New York?

Piper Perabo?

We meet up on Saturday for Santacon and it’s like we haven’t been apart 2 days, let alone 2 years. We go right back to it and have an amazing weekend. I am still convinced that she is the most perfect girl for me that I’ll ever meet.

I don’t doubt that she’s awesome, but rein it in, buddy. There are billions of women on the planet, most of whom you haven’t met yet.

Last night (writing this on a Tuesday), I brought up the fact that if we both feel this strongly about one another, it would be a shame to not see if something could be worked out. As a side note here, my work will most likely require me to leave New Orleans in the next 6 to 12 months and move to New York, so it’s not like a long distance thing would be a crazy idea. She says that she had a traumatic break up last summer and is not ready for a relationship. I can understand that plus there is still that living on opposite ends of the country for the time being, so I counter by saying it would be a little silly to try and start a relationship when we are over 1000 miles apart no matter how much we like hanging out with each other. I mention that I’ll be coming up to NY for work regularly over the next few months and that when I’m there, we should go out, but when I’m not we should play it cool. That way she is basically single and we can take it nice and slow.

So did I play that right?

I believe that you did.

I really think I could marry this girl if we spent some time in the same city. Do I ask for a transfer now and figure out the rest later or do I wait a few months and then request a transfer if my visits go as well as I think they will?

MAKE THE RASH DECISION IMMEDIATELY! BET IT ALL ON BLACK!

j/k wait and see how the visits go

Also, how does one deal with a girl whose last relationship ended traumatically? Can I even bring this up?

All break-ups are traumatic. She’ll either talk about it when she’s ready, or you’ll ask when you feel comfortable asking.

As one final note, I’m 27 and have had a few long term relationships, so I think the idea of this being puppy love is off the table.

Thanks in advance,
J’Dinkalage Morgoone

It’s evident that you’ve got a promising romance, and it’s certainly a great story so far. But try not to assign it an ending while it’s still in the beginning stages. This whole “she’s the best person I’ll ever meet” and “I could see myself marrying her” thing is one of the pitfalls of new love. Keep in mind that this perfect person is perfect because you don’t truly know her yet. You know only what she’s shown you in short periods of bliss. You can fall in love in three days, which is problematic, because you can also hide a lot in that same time.

I’m not saying she’s a secret heroin addict who traffics child slaves; I’m merely saying that if you look too far down the road, you won’t see the sinkhole until you’re at the bottom of it with broken legs. Believe me and anyone else who’s had their heart broken: it can take years to crawl out of that hole.

I’m optimistic for you and your prospective love. But take it slow, and appreciate what it is, not what you hope it will be.