Jon: WELCOME TO GRUDEN TALK, FOLKS.  IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, WAYNE LAPIERRE OF THE NRA HAD A PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE CAME OFF AS TAP DANCING CRAZY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, YOU DID SOMETHING SIMILAR 10 YEARS AGO.

Herm: I SAID YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME.  WAYNE LAPIERRE SAID HAVING AN OLD GUY WITH AN AR-15 AT EVERY SCHOOL WOULD KEEP KIDS SAFE.  AIN’T NO COMPARING THE TWO.

Jon: I HEAR THAT, BROTHER.  BUT WE DECIDED TO LET WAYNE COME ON GRUDEN TALK AND DEFEND HIMSELF.  WAYNE, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Wayne: It’s a great day to be a patriot, Jon.

Jon: WAYNE LAPIERRE, I CALL THIS WAYNE DENNY GREEN BECAUSE HE’S TOTALLY OFF THE RAILS.  YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS ABOUT ARMED GUARDS AT EVERY SCHOOL IN AMERICA, CAN YOU?

Wayne: I’m as serious as a god-damn heart attack, Jon.  Look at every  massacre in American history.  Armed guards with assault weapons would have prevented them all.

Jon: WHAT ABOUT THE ARMED GUARD AT COLUMBINE?

Wayne: There should have been two.

Jon: WHAT ABOUT JONESTOWN?

Wayne: A cult member could’ve put a cap in Jim Jones’s ass.

Jon: 9/11?

Wayne: Mohammed Atta would’ve been no match for an AK-47.

Jon:  THE TUCK RULE?

Wayne: Charles Woodson should have shot Tom Brady.

Jon: GODDAMN MAN, YOU’RE THE CRAZIEST GUEST WE’VE HAD YET.  HERM, CAN YOU REMEMBER A GUEST EVER OUT-CRAZYING US?

Herm: MAN, AIN’T NO GUEST EVER OUT-CRAZY US.

Wayne: I’m not crazy, I’m just here to point out that an armed society is a polite society.

Jon: LEMME TELL YOU MAN, ALL THE GUN NUTS WHO PLAYED FOR ME WERE THE CRAZIEST ONES.  BARRETT ROBBINS.  DARRELL RUSSELL.  HELL, CHRIS HOVAN  IS A CARD SHORT OF A FULL DECK.

Herm: FOOTBALL PLAYERS SPEND MONEY ON GUNS WHEN THEY SHOULD BE INVESTING IN THEIR 401(K) INSTEAD.

Jon: AND I SEE THOSE GUYS IN THE LOCKER ROOM.  THE GUN NUTS AREN’T THE ONES WHO ARE GRUDEN GRINDERS BETWEEN THE LEGS.  WARREN SAPP NEVER BOUGHT A GUN BECAUSE HE’S HUNG LIKE A RHINOCEROS.

Wayne: I reject your characterization; over half of all American males own guns.

Jon: I’VE LED THESE MEN AND I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU NEED A REVOLVER OR A RIFLE.  YOU GOTTA PROTECT YOUR FAMILY AND CONTROL THE DEER POPULATION.  BUT WHO THE HELL NEEDS AN ASSAULT WEAPON?

Wayne: Freedom-loving Americans.

Jon: MAN, I LOVE FREEDOM MORE THAN A COUNTER-SWEEP PLAY BUT I DON’T NEED AN ASSAULT RIFLE TO SHOW THAT LOVE.  I SHOW MY LOVE FOR MY COUNTRY BY WATCHING TAPE.

Herm: I SHOW MY LOVE BY ONLY EATING AMERICAN-MADE CHRISTMAS TREES.

Jon: YOU EAT YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE?

Herm: BEST WAY TO AVOID GETTING NEEDLES ON THE CARPET.

Jon: MAN, YOU’RE ONE WEIRD DUDE.  BUT NOT AS WEIRD AS WAYNE HERE.  WAYNE, YOU’RE NOT A GRUDEN GRINDER AND YOU’RE NOT INVITED BACK ON THE SHOW.

Wayne: Nobody watches your stupid show anyway.

Jon: PROBABLY NOT.  BUT THAT”S IT FOR TODAY ON GRUDEN TALK.  HERM, GIVE US SOME GUN MUSIC.

Herm: MACHINE GUN BY THE COMMODORES IT IS.  YOU KNOW THAT I’M THE SEVENTH COMMODORE.