Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE SHOW THAT DISCUSSES THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  TODAY WE’RE GONNA TALK ABOUT  THE ISRAEL-PALESTINE CONFLICT.  THE PALESTINIANS, I CALL THIS PEOPLE THE RAIDERS BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE A PERMANENT HOME AND ALWAYS SEEM TO BE GETTING IN TROUBLE.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS ISRAEL-PALESTINE THING?

Herm: WHEN PALESTINIANS DON’T HAVE A COUNTRY, THEY’RE GOING TO BE MAD.  GIVING THEM A COUNTRY IS THE ONLY WAY YOU’RE GONNA GET THEM TO STOP BOMBING YOU.

Jon: I  HEAR THAT.  AND I THINK OUR NEXT GUEST MIGHT AGREE WITH YOU.  PLEASE WELCOME AWARD-WINNING AUTHOR SALMAN RUSHDIE.

Salman: Pleasure to be here, Jon.

Jon: WOW! SALMAN RUSHDIE.  ONE OF THE MOST PROMINENT GUESTS WE’VE EVER HAD!

Salman: Thank you, Jon.

Jon: I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.  I CALL THIS SALMAN RUDY BECAUSE HE’S FIVE FOOT-NOTHING, A HUNDRED AND NOTHING AND LOOKS KINDA WEIRD BUT HE STILL BAGGED PADMA LAKSHMI.  SALMAN, I MARRIED A TENNESSEE CHEERLEADER BUT I’M A FOOTBALL COACH.  HOW DID YOU NAIL SUCH A FINE SPECIMEN?

Salman: I, uhhh, my personal life…

Herm: SOME WOMEN DIG NERDS.  I TELL MY DAUGHTERS TO DATE JEWISH DORKS BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW TO PROVIDE FOR A WOMAN.

Jon: I HEAR YOU HERM, DO THOSE JEWISH DORKS EVER GET MAD THAT YOU SUPPORT A TWO-STATE SOLUTION?

Herm: WHEN YOU GOT FAMILY AROUND, YOU DON’T BRING UP POLITICS.  I DON’T TALK POLITICS WITH THEM.

Jon: ANYWAY, SALMAN, YOU’RE A TRUE GRUDEN GRINDER FOR NOT ONLY DATING PADMA LAKSHMI, BUT SURVIVING A FATWA.

Salman: Thank you, I think?

Jon: AL DAVIS TRIED DECLARING A FATWA AGAINST MIKE SHANAHAN BUT AHMAD RASHAD TOLD HIM IT DIDN’T WORK LIKE THAT.  BUT SALMAN, WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE ISRAEL-PALESTINE CONFLICT?

Salman: The answer is simple, Jon.  Israel needs to end its apartheid-esque policies and allow Palestinians to govern themselves without interference.

Jon: I HEAR YOU, SALMAN.  ISRAEL IS TOTALLY JAMMING THE PALESTINIANS UP PAST FIVE YARDS EVEN THOUGH WE OUTLAWED THAT ALMOST A DECADE AGO.  I DON’T AGREE WITH THE NEW RULES BUT BILL POLIAN WAS A WHINY LITTLE PUSSY WHO GOT HIS WAY.

Herm: AIN’T NOBODY LIKES BILL POLIAN, ESPECIALLY HIS DENTIST.

Jon: THIS BILL, I CALLED HIM WOODY ALLEN BECAUSE HE WAS ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT ONE THING OR ANOTHER.  WOODY ALLEN, THERE’S ANOTHER WEIRD-LOOKING DUDE WHO PUNCHED ABOVE HIS WEIGHT.  ’70S MIA FARROW WAS A REAL GRUDEN GRINDER.  SALMAN, DO YOU AND WOODY EVER SHARE TIPS ON GETTING FINE LADIES?

Salman: I really don’t see what this has to do with the Israel-Palestine conflict.

Jon: ALL I’M SAYING IS THAT IF YOU CAN DATE A SUPERMODEL THEN MAYBE PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST ISN’T SO FAR-FETCHED, YOU KNOW?

Salman: Jon, I have to say that’s the smartest thing you’ve said yet.

Jon: THANKS, BUDDY

Salman: It still makes absolutely no sense.  I wrote The Satanic Verses, how did I end up on this show?

Jon: YOU PROBABLY HAVE A BAD AGENT.  ANYWAY, THAT’S ALL THE TIME THAT WE HAVE TODAY ON GRUDEN TALK.  HERM EDWARDS SEVEN, PLAY US OFF.

Herm: OK, HERM EDWARDS 7, WE’RE DOING IT HAD TO BE YOU, ANNIE HALL-STYLE!