Week 14 of the NFL season is here! For most of us, that means the fantasy football playoffs are here. In case you’re wondering about my credentials for doling out fantasy advice, I made the playoffs in three of my four leagues this year. We will not speak about the fourth team.

But we WILL speak about having sex within view of a baby monitor! Also featured this week: Christmas presents for your significant other, when to move in together, Hurricane Sandy, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Russell Wilson, going to a wedding as a first date, and more. Enjoy.

Cap’n:
Fantasy: Our commissioner suggested we start allowing draft pick trades next year (i.e., trading players during the season for future draft picks). It sounds interesting, but it seems like it could get out of hand quickly. Any recommendations for how to do keep it under control?

Nope. I’m not opposed to that particular wrinkle, but trading players one year for picks the next is a Pandora’s Box: you can’t keep it under control beyond, say, limiting each team to one draft pick trade per year. Ideally, that would force the bad teams to seek out the one best possible trade they can make rather than just shipping their best player off for the first good offer. I admit that my experience with this particular subject is limited, but it can be a tough growing pain for a league when good teams get better before the playoffs and bad teams improve their stock for the draft — it can be very alienating for the “traditional” hard-working fantasy manager who gets by on draft prep and working the waiver wire.

Sex: Not much of a question – more of an anecdote. I’ve been seeing a lot of questions about sex during and after pregnancy. I was pretty lucky in that my wife became hornier than ever once the seed was planted, but things changed pretty quickly once the little guy arrived. Between constant feedings and his lack of sleep, finding a time became nearly impossible. So the other night I went to put him down, and turned on the monitor (they’re video now – with infrared!) hoping to get some precious free time afterward. He didn’t cooperate, so the wife had to come in to help. Of course he slept immediately for her, and a sexy opportunity presented itself. We had just gotten started when I suddenly remembered the camera for the video monitor across the room. Now, the odds that someone else could pick up that signal were pretty damn slim, but probably not worth taking our chances, right?
-Video Voyeur

Despite my profession, I know almost nothing about technology, so I turned to the all-knowing God of information: Google. And I pulled up this 2011 story from KOMO in Seattle:

“It’s interesting,” said Seattle-based security consultant Eric Rachner. “Baby monitors, for the most part, don’t really have security. Technologically, they’re just little television stations. There’s nothing to prevent you from being able to tune these devices to the channels they’re transmitting on… How easy is it to intercept? As easy as it is to just go and purchase the receiver for one of these baby monitors,” he said. “I would say, it’s not just easy; it’s trivial.”

The Problem Solvers decided to put it to the test. We connected our monitor, which acts as a receiver, in our car, and then drove around the city. Within moments, we started seeing nurseries, bedrooms, and hearing people’s conversations. One baby’s image we picked up from almost half a mile away.

Whoa! Scary, right? Local news terrifying us with the next great threat to our families. Except… is this really something that criminals or even garden-variety creeps do? Purchase baby monitor receivers so they can drive around and get night-vision video of babies sleeping? And then one night… BINGO! Two parents doing it in green and black, all blurry and in the background! Good luck finding something hotter than THAT on the internet!

I know I’m being lax about privacy and security here, but what’s the worst-case scenario, really? That all of your most valuable possessions and banking information are in the crib with your baby? That an enterprising pervert records your second-hand sex tape and puts it on the internet, ruining your life even though it’s impossible to identify you or your wife? It seems pretty far-fetched to me, and hardly worth relocating to a different room for sex.

I’m obviously not a parent, but I have a lot of friends who are, and I’d recommend the audio-only baby monitor (much cheaper, btw). Whether it’s looking at the monitor incessantly or going into the baby’s room, the video monitor will just make you check up on the sleeping baby more.

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Dr. Caveman,
Longtime reader, never thought I’d need the advice but I guess I should have came to you earlier because now I need this win to get into the playoffs.

Fantasy: Out of these three defenses who do I start?

PLEASE tell me you’re not carrying three defenses on your roster.

Ravens (vWAS), Falcons (vCAR) or Giants (vNO)? I don’t want to play RG3, Cam Newton, or Drew Brees so who is the least of three evils?

The Ravens and Giants have terrible matchups (the Giants D did almost nothing against the Skins last week: 0 sacks, 1 fumble recovery) – and nothing about the Falcons D impresses me. I think I’d almost rather get a D/ST in free agency. Mark Sanchez is starting in Jacksonville; why not pick up the Jags D?

Also which three to start between Eric Decker, Andre Johnson, Reggie Wayne, and Lance Moore? I always tend to bench the one who tears it up.

Why would you give me the matchups for your defenses but not your wide receivers? The information is right there as you type, but I have to go look it up now. It’s a breach of fantasy manners, sir.

So, fine: I’ll do the leg work. Decker’s @ OAK Thursday night, Andre Johnson’s @ NE Monday, Wayne’s @ TEN, and Moore’s @ NYG. All of those are great matchups — not a good passing D among them. I’d probably bench Decker because he’s been cold lately (last 4 games: 15 yards, 23 yards and a score, 64 yards, 17 yards). Even more troubling: he only had two targets last week.

Of course, his quarterback is Peyton Manning, who’s more than capable of switching up his favorite targets, but I’d rather follow the trend than hope it comes to a halt. Start Johnson, Wayne, and Moore.

Sex: Hey ya know, fuck my ex for cheating on me the week my friend died so here’s a pretty lady to celebrate.

Thanks man you da bes
-Ski

She’s pleasant enough to look at, but honestly the two thoughts I have when I look at this are “I wish I was on a beach somewhere warm” and “I miss being tan.” Winter blows.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy: Pick two of the following four – (i) Mikel Leshoure (@GB), (ii) Matt Forte (@MIN), (iii) Fred Jackson (vs StL) or (iv) Knowshon Moreno (@ Oakland). Leaning towards Leshoure & Forte. Moreno plays Thursday, FYI.

I’m not huge on Leshoure because his YPC is low, but he gets lots of touches and seems to find the end zone a lot, so I think he’s a good start. For your other spot, I’d give the nod to Moreno over Forte. The Raiders are the 5th-worst in terms of giving up points to running backs, whereas the Vikings are in the middle of the pack. Forte may be the better player, but Moreno’s matchup and touches get him the nod.

Sex: Is it terrible that I bought my wife an exercise-related gift for Xmas? Even though I only got it because she keeps saying she wants to exercise more, and I have made it clear that I love her “as is”? This is going to bite me on the ass, right? Any words of wisdom on mitigating the potential fallout or should I just scrap the gift and get her something else?
-HMS Bad Idea

Relevant movie clip:

“Exercise-related gift” is an annoyingly (and unnecessarily) vague term, so I can’t tell you whether what you purchased is an I or a J. If it’s a piece of workout clothing from lululemon, you’re in the clear.

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Greetings Kind Sir,
Football first – I don’t have a feel for my flex spot this week. I have lock starters of Dez Bryant, Vincent Jackson, Stephen Jackson, and CJ Spiller (fuck you Fred Jackson). I need 1 WR and 1 flex with the following choices. WR: Mike Williams v. Phi; Michael Crabtree v.Miami; Kendall Wright v. Indy; RB – The Corpse of Michael Turner v. Carolina. Eight points for rush/rec TD’s, 0.5 PPR.

Kendall Wright is tempting, especially with the PPR format. As I noted in this week’s Keepers, the Colts have trouble defending smaller receivers who get their yardage working tight routes underneath safety coverage. Michael Turner, as you know since you own him, is frustratingly boom or bust depending on whether he gets in the end zone. And with 8-point TDs, that might justify a start. I see Wright as the safer bet, with Turner offering better upside.

Sex: Just a general relationship question, how long did you date Mrs. Caveman before you started thinking she was the one. At my age (29), I don’t feel like wasting time dating someone I’m not settling down with. The woman I’m dating now I feel things could be moving in that direction. We’ve been seeing each other for 7 months, known each other for appx. a year, and we’ve been exploring the option of moving in together circa June (when leases are up). Things seem to going great. I just want to make sure I’m not crazy. Plus, in my humble opinion, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever dated.
Thanks and all the best,
-F’(x).

I met my wife in February of 2010, she moved in with me in June of 2011, and we got engaged three months later. Regarding when I knew she was “the one” — a term I dislike because there are thousands and thousands of potentially compatible mates for almost anyone — it’s hard to say. I mean, I didn’t even ask her out when I first met her because it was like, “Shit, she’s GREAT.” I knew right away that she was a serious relationship waiting to happen. Sure enough, she was just as cool as I feared, and within 4-6 months I had failed to find anything about her that was a deal-breaker: She makes me laugh, she’s attractive, she supports me and accepts who I am, and we share the same vision for creating a family and how to live our lives. Not that my wife and I are some universal baseline for success, but from this narrow angle you seem to be in good shape.

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Oh Captain My Captain,
Don’t you do some youtube show about fantasy football?

OH MY GOD! Totally crazy you should ask!

Fantasy: I have Matt Ryan as my qb, and for the majority of the year he has been good. Of course, the closer to playoffs I get, the more he tries to ruin my aggressively adequate season. I was able to pick up Russell Wilson off of waivers. So now I’m stuck with trying to decide to play a declining Matty Ice against Carolina, or a surging Russell Wilson against Arizona. Thoughts?

Carolina is actually surprisingly competent against fantasy quarterbacks, and you’re right: Ryan’s been slumping in recent weeks. And as awesome as Russell Wilson has been at home this season, the Cardinals defense is incredibly tough against QBs: they’re the 2nd-best defense against fantasy quarterbacks, giving up just 11.21 FPPG (depending on your settings). That’s better than the Niners, Bears, and Seahawks; only Pittsburgh is better. Of course, Wilson just scored something like 26 FP against the Bears in Chicago, so he certainly has the ability to do well against the Cardinals. I just think that Cards-Seahawks has the makings of a low-scoring game, so I’d roll the dice with Matty Ice.

Sadly I have no sex question this time around. To make up for it, I offer you Tinashe, as well as a link to her Instagram, where there are many more pictures like it.
-DD

She purdy. Thanks.

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Captain,
Fantasy first: After every starter fell apart last week (Breesus, Roddy, Reggie Wayne, Muscle Hamster, Gore, Jimmy Graham) I need a win and help for the fantasy playoffs. Need help with the flex: Miles Austin (@CIN), Torrey Smith (@WAS), Beannie Wells (@SEA), or Danario Alexander (@PIT). Play is Torrey Smith, right?

Correct. Austin’s dinged up, Beanie Wells is Beanie Wells, and Pittsburgh is the toughest in the league against WRs. Smith has an excellent matchup; I think he’ll finish with at least 80 yards and a touchdown.

Sex: I’ve recently been “introduced” to a cute, sweet Southern girl that a friend met on a summer trip to Vegas. I say “introduced” because we’ve never met; just flirted via e-mail, text, and some phone calls the past month. But now, she has invited me down to TX (I’m from CA) for our first meeting as her date to a wedding. Is this a crazy idea? Too much pressure? What’s date protocol here if I accept?
Thanks,
D’Isiah T. Billings-Clyde

Just go. Go to every wedding you have the opportunity and funds for. All weddings are fun. Which is to say: most weddings are fun, and the ones that suck make for terrific stories. And there is no better role in a wedding than “date who doesn’t know anyone,” because there are zero expectations for you. All you have to do is eat and drink for free. Go. Go go go go go.

As for protocol with your date: when she greets you at the airport, give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Arrive with zero expectations for the weekend: if you think you’re gonna get laid all weekend and she’s not ready for that, you’ll be miserable and start to hate her. But if you show up wanting no more than to get to know her better and go to a wedding, you’ll be happy with anything beyond that.

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Uff Da,
How do you like living in Brooklyn? As a lifelong, maybe I fail to appreciate the starry-eyed wonder with which you transplants look at my hometown. Maybe soon you’ll buy a beautiful brownstone in some funky neighborhood my parents spent the 90′s admonishing me to stay away from.

If you think I can buy a brownstone (or even the most modest apartment in Brooklyn), you overestimate how much money I have by several orders of 10. But yes: I do love Brooklyn, and a lot of that love went into this video.

I’m an unusual case because I grew up without roots, but I’d posit that there’s a more fervent emotional tie to the home that you choose than the home you were born into. Have you ever met an immigrant who’s way more patriotic and passionate about America than the average American? I’m kind of like that with Brooklyn.

Try living somewhere else for a while. You’ll find that you like Brooklyn a lot more than you ever realized.

My fantasy team couldn’t be doing worse if Rex Ryan coached it, so let’s get personal: I’m 25, I have a very busy schedule, and I’m looking for apartments after being displaced by Hurricane Sandy. There is no such thing as normal in my life right now, and that’s both good and bad.

Two weeks ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two and a half years. She was sweet, but I felt like we had no passion and for other reasons I didn’t see much of a future beyond what we were already doing. The split was amicable.

So I called a girl I’ve known through a mutual friend who I’ve always thought was really cool. We went on a first date last week, and we hit it off. My friend called and said he was not happy because he was afraid I’d “use” her for a “rebound”. Truth is, I’m not rushing into another relationship, but we have a connection and I’d like to see her and see where things go.

Three days after the date, she lost a parent. As in, completely out of the blue. I offered that if she needed someone to talk to I’d be there for her, but if she needed space given what she’s going through, I’d respect that. But she said she’s not looking for space, it seems like she wants to pursue things.

Now, I want to see this girl. I’m not sure what that means, but in any circumstance, I’d like to take things slow, have fun, and get to know her. But I can’t help but wonder if we’re being driven toward each other because of the external issues in our lives at least as much as our mutual attraction. We have great chemistry, but on the other hand I’d hate to rush into something that will leave us hurt.

I don’t know what I’m asking; just thought I needed another perspective and therapy’s not cheap.

-Xmus Jaxon Flaxon Waxon
(I don’t care that this sketch was referenced last week, it’s gold.)

You are correct: the East-West Bowl is gold, and seeing a name from it always makes me smile.

So. First things first: sorry about your apartment; that really sucks. Second, and more importantly, your mutual friend needs to politely fuck off. While his concerns about your intentions are well-intended, he needs to realize that a grown woman can make her own decisions about who she wants to date, and how seriously she dates him. Maybe she WANTS something casual; if that were so, your mutual friend is just getting in the way. So what I’m saying is: ignore him.

Now, about the whole “what if we’re just drawn to each other because of hard times” thing… So what? Lots of people come together during stressful times. Maybe it’s the foundation of something lasting and true, or maybe it fizzles once your lives settle down. Are either of those sufficient reasons for not enjoying each other’s company in the moment, when you want — or maybe even need — each other? No. Explore what you can offer each other, and don’t overanalyze the “why” of it.