Three weeks ago, the Redskins traveled to Pittsburgh to get weirded out by bumblebee uniforms and drop a bunch of passes. It’s worked out pretty much as planned. The lone exception being that whatever bizarre scheme that Warrrshington COOCH Mike Shanahan had concocted to start a new life was foiled by someone who raided a briefcase he left in the locker room.

After his team lost to the Steelers, 27-12, on Oct. 28, Shanahan complained to Steelers and stadium security officials that $3,700 and his passport were missing from a leather briefcase that was left unsecured in an open locker during the game. A security officer said Shanahan was visibly upset.

Despite being told that the locker room was secured throughout the game, Shanahan chose to file a report with Pittsburgh police.

Why exactly was Shanny taking his passport and a bunch of cash with him to Pittsburgh? Under the impression that Yinzburgh is a separate country with a towel-based economy? Perhaps Shanahan was planning to fake his death and live under an assumed identity elsewhere in the world, where he wouldn’t have to watch the eventual killing of his son by Redskins fans.

Lucky for him, the stuff wasn’t stolen. A day after the police report was filed, someone from the ‘Skins informed the police that the missing contents were found in another bag. The Shanny exit strategy is still on.

“My face? EET EES ONLY BECAUSE OF ZE WINE!”