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The Best Moments Of Week 9 Sunday

By Christmas Ape / 11.05.12

Because there are 17 weeks in the NFL regular season and byes are spread out over time, you can't really pinpoint a proper midway mark, so I'll just go ahead and say we're halfway through the season. See? That makes things much easier. As with all milestones, it's an excuse to make grand assessments. The Falcons are still undefeated, but apparently no one gets to mention that without also droning on about their recent history of playoff failure. It was pretty much the only talking point that NBC had for Atlanta last night.

The Colts got a big win over another upstart team with their recovering head coach in attendance. If I didn't have to read any media takes on Indy's win, I might be able to appreciate it for what it is. Elsewhere, the Giants were unable to avenge the destruction of the elements with a win over the Steelers. Now begins the annual Giants midseason unraveling, just so they can find their stride again just as the playoffs start. Stupid Giants.

Most importantly, Jerry Jones got locked out of his team's locker room after the Cowboys loss last night.


That's tremendous. I can just hear the ol' Double J banging on doors in the Georgia Dome, yelling, "NOW YOU LET ME IN THERE, YOU HEAR ME! I'M JERRY JONES! I OWN THOSE BRIGHT SHINING STARS THAT CAN'T WIN SHIT! I NEED TO GO TELL THEM HOW THEY'RE WASTING MY MONEY! YOU OPEN THIS DOOR, OR SO HELP ME I'LL BUY THIS DOME JUST SO I CAN TEAR IT DOWN AND BUILD ME A NICE DEVELOPMENT OF MCMANSIONS FOR MY MANY SIDE PIECES! SUSAN SKAGGS GETS FIRST PICK!"

More after the jump.

Chuck So Strong

I haven't started reading Peter King's brain beerfarts yet, but I'm sure he has a bunch more dumb, clowing shit to say about Chuck Pagano and how his cancer wins game for the Colts. But inane media reactions shouldn't take whatever from what was a stirring speech after the Colts' win. I'm not made of stone. (MAYBE!)

Dog The Dawgs

The Ravens got more trouble from the Browns than most would expect, even if it's generally recognized that Cleveland has improved from woeful doormat to mediocre team that could steal a win if you're not careful. Anyway, Terrell Suggs sensed the Browns disturbing feelings of hope and started talking shit to The Dawg Pound. I'm guessing CBS had to mute the audio on the mic near the fans. Though it's possible Suggs' alien mouth terrified them into silence.

Do You Really Have To Ask, Cleveland?

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I really would have figured that enough spirit would have been crushed out of Cleveland by now for their fans to know that two wins isn't enough to even start entertaining ideas that your team is capable of respectability, much less winning out and making the playoffs.

Bushwhacker Burrito

I could be wrong, but I think Ray Rice did the Bushwhackers' walk after he scored yesterday. In fact, if I'm wrong, don't tell me. I'm fine believing this to be the case.

Yay Referee Swearing

Tony Corrente was picked up by CBS audio saying no-good naughty words while trying to straight out a penalty for an illegal substitution. The people at home had to hear them! Oh, how dreadful. Please apologize more profusely, Kevin Harlan. My ears were profaned!

That's My Bush

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I know Reggie Bush has been solid for a while now for the Dolphins, but I swear I'm never going to get used it. He could run for like eight straight 1,000-yard seasons and I'm still gonna be like, "Reggie Bush? That guy fucking sucks." He could be on the fantasy waiver wire somehow and I'd still be hesitant to grab him even though he'd be an incredible bargain. It's dumb, but it's an unshakeable perception for me. Or just spite. Either way.

Yeah Fine Whatever Andrew Luck

Sure, that's a pretty good throw as he's getting knocked to his knees. Not like there weren't half a million reporters ready to slob him for it before he hit the ground.

Scrum Scrum Scrum

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Since the Bears defense scores all the points, probably worth noting when the Chicago offense does something. The scrum touchdown is like something you'd see in a cheesy sports movie for kid. Give the ball to the gawky little one while the big taciturn kids shove him and the other team in the end zone.

Mashed Potatoes Guy Touchdown

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Aw man, Urlacher scored? I guess everyone on that defense has to get one sooner or later. Please limit future defensive touchdowns to Charles Tillman, please.

Uh, congrats?

Well, I guess you still have Eli. That's some consolation, right, sad little girl?

Womp

No, not much of a consolation at all. At least Eli will play in the water with you once he gets his floaties on.

The Punter Got You

Emmanuel Sanders broke free on a punt return and got taken down by Steve Weatherford. That's gotta be embarrassing. It almost had a huge impact on the game, as the Steelers got no points on that possession because it's the one where the Steelers attempted the stupidest fake ever. The world may never know how close it came to Steve Weatherford being potentially measty.

Shaun Suisham: Also Bad At Fakes

Oh yeah, here is that Stupidest Fake Ever. I realize that most fakes rely on catching the other team off guard, which the Steelers clearly did not. A lot of fakes will look really bad if the other team is expecting them. Still, the fact that thing particular fake was dependent on Shaun Suisham being able to run with the ball makes it sillier than most.

Dancing, Not Punching

Just don't any reporters ask him why he shook his ass in the end zone, or you're in for the longest pause of your journalistic career.

Ha ha, you're not Cam

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That referee wants to take a snap! Awwwwww! It thinks it's people!

She Hawk

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Aw, what a sweet drugged-up granny you have, Ufford.

Nightmare Sea Chicken

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Dammit, Seahawks fans, I'll deal with your ugly uniforms but I draw the line when your fans give me nightmares.

Fetustard invasion

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Cincinnati being conveniently located to FatHumppolis, Paul Brown Stadium was apparently loaded with Fetustards there to see their favorite old battleship. I bet these people renounced their Colts fandom while Peyton is playing elsewhere, but still don the Peyton Colts jersey. Because they're assholes.

Oop, you're stuck

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Guess you and Darren McFadden better get used to one another. Careful, he gets hurt a lot. He's gonna need someone to tend to his injuries.

Crushed Matty Ice

The Cowboys were full of delightful fail once again, yet I still enjoy immensely DeMarcus Ware coming unblocked at Matt Ryan. Nicely done, Atlanta. That's a Dallas-level derp.

The Audible That Reads

Matt Ryan is using Baltimore as an audible call now. It worked about as well as a Baltimore thing should. Place names are getting to be all the rage with snap calls. Eli Manning has used Omaha for a while. Joe Flacco uses Alaska. If it weren't a big undertaking that almost certainly isn't worth it, I'd check to see if any other starters use them. Also, you probably don't give a shit.

The Furious Graphs Of Mike Smith

I'm sure players don't want to be on Mike Smith's graph of player penalties that he shows at team meetings next week, but it's still really difficult to make a graph sound imposing in the abstract.

Romovember is Ruined!

Romovember is off to a sadder than usual start this year. This is when it's supposed to actually go well for Dallas. December just isn't the same if there are no foolishly stoked Cowboys hopes to dash. I suppose I can deal though.

So Hottttt, You Guise

Way to reference that song that was a hit even before Mario Williams was drafted. That's a burn. Also, thanks for the extra "T" in hot. I'm guessing that's an odd tribute to J.J. Watt. Or she's just stupid.

Wide Right

Nothing super special about this particular field goal miss by Rian Lindell, other than that it was his first miss of the year in only six attempts at that point. Oh, and I like the way he stares with dead eyes at the uprights for about five seconds after the miss. If you can't enjoy that look, you might as well not be watching Bills games.


 

I want more like this!

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