The Smorgasbord: Week 11
Peter King Ordered The Vikings To Wear Strap-Ons

The Best Moments From Week 11 Sunday

By Christmas Ape / 11.19.12
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I doubt anyone looks good cheering wildly for their favorite team, but this mongoloid in the J.J. Watt jersey looks worse than most. Though I also suppose it's possible that he's berating that peaceful Asian family in the row in front of him. That would explain why the father looks so upset.

Anyway, if you had told me that Chad Henne would have been one of the best things about Week 11, I would have got even more blackout drunk on Saturday and not have woken up until Tuesday. That way, I'd miss Henne and the back-upkkake that Monday Night Football is going to be this evening. But as bad as the idea of Henne was, and as bad as the Week 11 Sunday games were on paper, they were mostly actually pretty fun. You know, if you discount that ugly ass Sunday night game and the handful of blowouts. At least there were three overtime games at once. We almost got a tie for the second straight week.

Week 11 was also a banner week for postgame butthurt, even from the winners. Bart Scott staged his short-lived media boycott. And Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie claimed that even though the Eagles have lost seven games, no one has beaten them "straight up", whatever the f*ck that means.

Also, all this stuff happened. Please be my friend and make with clicksies because making 20+ GIFs takes goddamn forever.

Chad Henne didn't actually get the win or anything, but he was competent, which shocked the hell out of everyone. It's all about managed expectations. Also, the camera caught him chuckling to himself on the sideline as Shayne Graham missed what would have been a game-winning field goal at the end of regulation. Even if this was a one-week fluke of decent play from Henne (and it probably was) I move he always have a job on an NFL team just so the networks have someone to cut to for smugly laughing at people who have screwed up.

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Peyton Manning has a knack for throwing pick-sixes against the Chargers and looking like a rigor mortised goon trying to tackle the defender taking his pass back for a touchdown. Also, I guess he's good at beating the Chargers. Whatever. Too busy laughing at Peyton. Haha! Loogit him fall down!

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Since we saw this same style of shirt appear on CBS cameras in Baltimore last week, I can assume every NFL city has their own stupid version of this profane shirt. Peyton has enough of a sense of humor that he wouldn't be offended by this, but he certainly wouldn't sign it either. Endorsements might catch wind of that.

ZOMG! Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck both threw pick-sixes in the same week! XEROX OF FATE! At least Luck is only 30 percent android at this point in his career, so he tries a little harder to bring down the defender. Same result, though. Next time, he'll learn to suppress his human instincts for cold robot logic.

I hate me some NBC studio trolls because kudos to them not to fluff Andrew Luck amid his horrible day. Dungy and Rodney Harrison didn't try to explain it away by saying it came against exotic Belichick defensive schemes. They just said Luck was bad. Progress, I guess.

Hochuli claimed he didn't review a play that he actually reviewed. You wanna argue that he didn't? Prepare to stuffed in a garbage can, little weenie fan.

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Tom Brady is not just some effete pretty boy. He's a effete pretty boy who hocks loogies. Pretty sure Bill Simmons offered to lick that up.

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Oh yeah, there was a shirtless fan on the field in Oakland because of course there was. Please sxcuse the stupid word balloon that someone attached to the picture of the arrested streaker on Instagram.

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I knew the Panthers have a superfan named Cat Man. What I did not know is that he has a sidekick and that that sidekick's name is Catboy. This is information I could have been laughing about for years.

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Speaking of cats, I'm gonna have a lot of nightmares about this Lions fan.

To make amends for exposing you to scary Lions fan, here are cheerleaders jumping up and down. I assume that will do.

And for the ladies: Jason Witten's soft, supple hands. What's good for Dan Dierdorf is good for you all, right?

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Speaking of Dierdorf, I would like what happened to Danieal Manning yesterday to happen to him. Though I suppose it most likely did at some point in Dierdorf's playing days. That said, I need footage.

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Lots of fans don storm trooper costumes, but rarely are they this fat. I can see Darth Vader using the Force to jiggle his love handles.

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See? More NFL storm troopers. This one comes with a Pittsburghish Yoda. "Unemployed, you are."

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Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.

Paul Kruger's sack dance is eating soup, apparently. Which is funny because Byron Leftwich hasn't even anything as light as soup in a decade.

Speaking of Leftwich, I know he crashed into the end zone because he hurt his shoulder on his one capable play of the game. Which I think actually worked in his favor on this run. The extra adrenalin carried him past the four yards his body can only typically handle.

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Von Miller tumbles, too. Only on purpose. Because he's not shitty.

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Josh Freeman completed a pass through a defensive lineman's legs. That's clearly the Schiano Factor at work there. Quarterbacks who settle for any old pasta noodle can't do that.

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As MJD noted in the Smorgasbord, it's not the first time someone has been tackled by their hair, though it may be the first that someone has been hurt by it. Worth noting, I'd say.

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Still pretty bummed that we were teased about a bunch of upsets. So I'll leave Cobb's go-ahead score here and glumly go about my business.

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I know they had a Lindley or something play most of the game, but how bad did the Cardinals have to not want to win to fuck up six turnovers. Jeebus, Buzzsaw. If it weren't Arizona, I'd really be disappointed.

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Lots of people had big yukkity yuks at Nick Foles' expense and not just because of being a bad quarterback. People laughed at him for showing up to the game looking like the early 20s white dude that he is. I'd rather level my scorn at Matt Ryan, who showed up at the post-game press conference dressed like a fucking Mormon.

My yinzer-loving ass is still sour over the Sunday night game. Seriously, the Ravens didn't do shit. Lucky for them, they were playing a team that feigned decency for about five minutes before doing whatever they could to hand the game away. Anyway, Joe Flacco got all pissy because the one scoring drive he put together in the first half ended in a missed field goal by Justin Tucker. Oh noes, your one chance to contribute your eliteness, wasted! Better take it out on that cup of water. It'll never question you again.

Also: Joe Flacco is awful.

When Danario Alexander has emerged as your team's best receiver, you got some serious fucking problems. But he did make a nice snag for a score after the game was already decided. And that's worth something... to fantasy owners.

Mason Crosby got two chances to miss a 50-yard field goal because of a clock block by Jim Schwartz. He missed 'em both, of course, because Crosby has a case of the kicker funk. He also missed each try for a different side of the uprights, which is kind of impressive.

That might be the closest Philip Rivers has ever come to throwing a spiral. He should have more fumbles go off his wrist. Also, he almost certainly will.

Malcolm Jenkins got an interception then was shown on the sidelines interacting with a teammate. No idea what was said, but it looks HIGH-LARIOUS! C'mon guys, let me in on your hilarious inside jokes. I can be down. Do players say that?

For whatever reason, Fox has added this very serious orchestral score to some of its broadcasts. I don't know if it's another thing to honor veterans, but it sounds like the score to some sappy Spielberg movie about the military.

A little dab of derp will do ya. Of course, Romo always lays it on thick.

Recovering your own fumble in midair is a pretty nice trick. So would gaining yards on a punt return, but I guess limit one trick per return.

Georgia's mascot must have peed on something again.

Jay Ratliff got penalized for sticking his dick in Doopy Pantz' face. C'mon, he just wanted to show Weeden what some pants without doop look like.

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