Since I live in New York, I dealt with Hurricane Sandy this week, and I was probably one of people least affected by it. I live on some of the highest ground in Brooklyn, so flooding wasn’t a problem. The power didn’t go out. I had cable and internet the whole time. The closest I came to danger was walking my dog during the storm (I wore my bike helmet). The biggest inconvenience I faced was riding my bike to work the last two days because the subways are down.

It’s the second hurricane my wife and I have faced since we started living together, and she’s excellent company. But I always wonder about single people in a hurricane. Do you have to be at a certain point in a relationship to spend a hurricane together? Do you call a friend-with-benefits and just get freaky the entire time? I mean, lower Manhattan was in its third night of total darkness on Halloween night. I bet lots of people had hot, terrifying apocalypse sex. At least I hope so. A natural disaster and the loss of human life is no excuse not to have orgasms.

On to your questions:

Greetings Captain (or whoever is running it this week)

Fantasy: trading andrew luck and stevan ridley for lesean mccoy and some other Running back or wideout is a good trade right? im overthinking things, right, and should pull the trigger now? (matt ryan is my main QB)

Yes, as long as the other running back or wideout is a viable starter at flex.

Sex: when’s the right time to ask a girl about making things facebook official? as soon as you realize you dont want to be dating anyone else? (yeah, not the best of questions, but ive been out of the game for several years and thanks to Match just got back into it. Match works, just give it time and all)
Thanks,
lower-case jerk

I think “Facebook official” is essentially the same thing as regular-official. Most couples have a talk along those lines — that time where you decide that you’re dating ¬†each other exclusively. For my wife and I, it was when I tore my pectoral muscle while I was GRRRRR WORKING OUT. I ended up in the ER, and she went out to get my prescription for painkillers filled. When we went back to my apartment, I was like, “So when you placed the order, did you tell them that you were my girlfriend?” And she was like, “Yeah,” and I said, “Cool.” All we needed was a little addendum of “Okay, so should I change my Facebook statuts now?”

By the way, there was an article on BuzzFeed recently that talked about “the Facebook effect” on relationships, and how people who included their significant others in their profile pic were more likely to stay together. It was flawed as shit, but it had some interesting points (for example, people are less likely to break up because they feel pressure from their Facebook friends to stay together). For what it’s worth, your Facebook profile picture should be a picture of YOU. Not you and your girlfriend, and definitely not your dumb wiener kid. Be an individual, not half of a co-dependent entity. If your relationship is worth a shit, it can survive you having your own profile picture.

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Captain,
First off, I appreciate all the work that you guys do here. So FF, standard scoring, I give up RG3 and Mikel Leshoure (bench player) for E. Manning and Forte. My other running backs are C. Johnson (who may actually be decent now), Bradshaw, and Green-Ellis. Thoughts?

I like it. It shores up your RB situation — Chris Johnson is a terrible play against the Bears this week — and while you lose RG3, Manning still puts up great numbers.

In lieu of a sex question, I provide you and the Kommentariat with a stunning picture that my amazing girlfriend (who reads this mailbag) sent me earlier. Keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
Adroit Alliteration

Not bad for a girl without a face. Thanks, AA — and thank you, AA’s girlfriend. If you have any questions about pictures you’ve taken of yourself, please don’t hesitate to email them to me.

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This email was originally sent to Drew for the Funbag, but Drew thought it was better for the Sexbag:

I am commissioner of a fantasy football league with a group of close friends. We’ve all known each other for a long time & have been doing this for a while, yada yada…

It came to our attention on Thursday or Friday of last week (the facts are a little hazy) that one of our good friends was arrested. It is a serious charge — drug trafficking — and while he has a good attorney, there is a chance he won’t be back any time before the playoffs. Or even next season.

Of course, me being the asshole I am, within 5 minutes of learning of our friend’s arrest ask the others, “So… what do we do about his fantasy team?”¬†Seriously – what do we do? (And I’m playing him this week!)

Before he got arrested, he set his lineup for last weekend’s games and won (he has a pretty good team). But with bye weeks here, what do we do? (Keep in mind that not everyone in the league knows the details of his arrest, and we’re trying to respect his privacy.)

A) Say “fuck that guy” and just completely leave his team alone, allowing him to easily lose when his key players are on a bye. He’s the one who got caught, after all. I’ve gone MONTHS without getting arrested during football season!

B) Allow the commissioner (me) to set his lineup every week according to my best judgment (and getting someone else’s opinion when our teams are set to face each other).

C) Get another friend not in the league to take over as manager of his team.

Obviously we’re not going to dismantle his team with lopsided trades or some Machiavellian re-draft of his players, but also, what is expected of me (if we go with Option B) for waiver purposes? And most importantly… WHAT HAPPENS IF HE TEAM WINS THE LEAGUE? (He has a good team after all.) Who wins the money? Who keeps the trophy (and gets his name engraved on it)?

I pray to all that is holy that his team doesn’t win our league. It’ll tear this league apart much like my friend’s arrest is currently tearing his family apart. Yes, I am an asshole & a bad friend.

Oddly, this is not the first time we’ve fielded this question, so there’s precedent. And it’s easy: the person who runs the team is responsible for setting his lineup. That means if he wants to change his lineup, he better hope there’s internet access at the prison library, or he needs to use his phone call to give his password and lineup changes to a trusted individual. Hell, you said he has a good lawyer — I’m sure “setting fantasy football lineup” is a billable charge.

If his team wins the league, he wins the money, and you, as commissioner, will be responsible for getting his name engraved on the trophy (you can deduct the cost from his winnings, I’m sure). Felons lose the right to vote, not the right to play fantasy football.

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Captain Caveman,
I’m sorry I don’t play fantasy football but you did ask for wanting-to-fuck-strangers questions as opposed to relationship questions so I figured I’d offer mine. Also I do have a football related question. You mentioned that you are a huge Jack White fan. I’m wondering if you are as offended as I am that Ravens fans have co-opted 7 Nation Army and chant the bass line when their team does well. I’m just not into it. But maybe you’re happy that the white stripes have entered Gary Glitter territory?

I don’t mind. “Seven Nation Army” actually started as a chant among Italian soccer fans, which is much more offensive than Ravens fans (it actually spread all through Europe before the Ravens fans picked up on it). Most American fans across all sports are pretty unoriginal, so I appreciate any kind of fan chant outside the usual “Bull-shit!” and “Let’s go [home team]” with the five claps — even if it is cribbed from European soccer. It’s also, I should note, much better than the stadium pumping music. Let the crowd make its own noise, you know?

In case you’re curious about Jack White’s opinion on the matter: “Nothing is more beautiful than when people embrace a melody and allow it to enter the pantheon of folk music. As a songwriter it is something impossible to plan. Especially in modern times. I love that most people who are chanting it have no idea where it came from. That’s folk music.”

Jack White is weird.

Sex Advice question: Quick background is I just got out of a four year relationship. The breakup wasn’t terrible but of course I can’t say it was “good.”

Recently my mom needed a ride home from the salon. I got to the salon a little late, so I start looking around the salon and the extremely gorgeous woman behind the counter asked me who I was looking for. I told her my mom’s name and she said, “Oh she’s in the back room. I’ll go get her for you.” I said that’s not necessary but she insisted and went back to get her. Anyway, we get in the car and here are my mom’s exact words.

Mom: Well she asked me “Who’s the cute guy who came to get you?” And I said “Oh no don’t even think about it” he’s not seeing anyone right now.

Me: ………

Mom: What?

Me: ……….

God DAMN, your mom is a total asshat.

I was able to calmly say that this woman merely said I was attractive not that she wanted to marry me.

I’m not saying this woman is my soul mate, but seriously, is there anything I should do/can do about this? I can’t think of a subterfuge for going in to that salon other than to say, “You remember meeting briefly the other day? And my mom saying I wasn’t ready to see anyone? Well she didn’t actually know what she was talking about.”

Of course you can go in there and ask her out. The single biggest fear — the ONLY fear, really — in asking someone out is not knowing how they feel about you. And you already know: she thinks you’re cute. So peek in the window, and if you see her, walk right in, apologize for bothering her at work, introduce yourself, and ask if you can take her out for a drink sometime. If she says anything about what your mom said, then you say, “I’d be in bad shape if my mom was calling the shots for me.” Bingo bango. Go get her.

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Dear Captain of all Captains,
FOOTBALL: Standard ESPN league and no clue who to start this week at WR. Pick 2 from D. Moore, Dez-curse my knuckles-and my mother-Bryant, DeSean trainwreck, and M. Williams. Also, have the option of swapping Maclin for Jackson in a trade. Currently leaning towards Maclin @ NO and Moore. Thoughts?

I agree. Whenever you have any players going against the Saints, start them. The Saints have the 31st- or 32nd-ranked defense in the league in almost every measurable category. And I like Moore in the other spot — he’s one of the guys I like this week, as I explain in the Week 9 episode of Keepers. What’s that? You haven’t watched it yet?

/whoring

SEX: Not here to complain about my crazy stalker ex, girl who just told me she has a kid, or my disaster long-term relationship that ended as soon as it became long distance (who would’ve thought a NYC-Rome relationship wouldn’t work!).

Awww, that’s too bad. Sounds like fun!

As a long-time reader, you seem to give great advice and I generally agree with all your points based off the limited info you receive. BUT two questions: (1) when you were single, how often did you follow the advice you give on a weekly basis? From personal experience, it seems much easier to know what the right steps/answers are than actually going through with them.

I gradually followed it more and more. Every relationship is (or should be) a learning experience. I got my heart broken twice in my twenties, and by the time I got over the second one I could look back and see the patterns in my behavior: not letting go of my feelings, not moving, trying to communicate with the ex in a desperate dream to win her back. And those things led to me being a HUGE douchebag to people I dated more casually. And it’s not like I was trying to be a dick; I was just emotionally unavailable, and there are some people who (justifiably) don’t like me now as a result. The mailbag is essentially the advice I would give my younger self if time travel existed.

And, (2) do you expect your mailbaggers to actually follow your advice? I don’t mean that in a negative way, but you generally restate the same, positive, and from my perspective right themes to the given circumstance. I’ve used your advice multiple times w/o ever writing in, so I wonder is your advice coming too late for most mailbaggers (not like you can control that though, but hey this beats acting as my shrink for the laundry list of psychos above).
Thanks for your public service,
Semi-Sandy Survivor, Maybe!

I think a lot of people write in needing affirmation for a decision they want to make. Others write in just to talk about what’s going on in their lives, and my advice doesn’t affect the decision they’ve already made. But that doesn’t affect anything I write. Despite my harsh language, I really do want people to make good decisions in their love lives, because our sex and relationship decisions can seriously impact our lives in positive and negative ways.

On that note, I owe an apology to one emailer last week. I can sometimes lose my vigilance with the advice if I get the nth iteration of a question I’ve had several times before. Every 30th person who asks, “But what about MY long-distance relationship?” triggers a knee-jerk reaction from me, like “Don’t bother! It will never work!” — when, in fact, that reader deserves the nuance that I try to give everyone else. So: sorry about that, Guy Whose Fat Girlfriend Won’t Go To The Gym. You deserved better from me.