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Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. First of all, allow me to express my gratitude for all the emails that you’ve sent throughout the years that have made this little corner of the internet more of a community. I also appreciate them because it makes my life normal and largely untroubled.

That’s a key difference between dating at, say, 32 years of age versus 25 or so. The 25-year-old single man is troubled with all sorts of worries: Does my girlfriend go down on me enough? I can’t get married until I have a threesome. Could I settle down with a woman who only has B-cups?

By the time your early/mid-30s roll around, your priorities change. My wife’s parents are still married, and I now realize that that’s one of the things that I love most about her when the holidays roll around. My sister has two sets of in-laws — divorced mother-in-law, remarried father-in-law — and the mere notion of that makes me want to hang myself in the bathroom. Don’t get me wrong: my in-laws are wonderful people and I sincerely enjoy their company, but the idea of doubling my time with them and their (theoretical) second spouses makes me break out into hives.

That’s my little slice of holiday advice this week: the holidays get stressful, so choose a partner who lessens the amount of drama in your life. (And if he or she happens to be an orphan, all the better.)

On to your questions!

Sultans of Twat,
Football: Two questions. With the bye week/injuries killing me, I have this poo poo platter of shit to choose for my 2 RB spots and my flex spot.
-Marcel Reece vs. NO
-Felix Jones vs. Cleveland
-Michael Turner vs. Arizona (fuck you Michael Turner)
-DHB vs. NO
-James Starks @ Detroit

I’m leaning right now towards the first three, especially with DHB tweaking his hamstring, but I’ve developed such a visceral hatred for Turner that I want to anger-start Starks against Detroit (who showed some promise before Green Bay went on their bye).

I started doing the math for this before I realized this was submitted last week after the window for mailbag entries closed. For the record, I would have gone with Reece and Jones as the must-starts, with a lean toward Heyward-Bey depending on his injury, and Starks and Turner being a coin flip. I hope you went with Reece and Jones, at least — though no one truly disappointed (DHB had 69 yards, Starks 80, Turner 46 and a score).

About Michael Turner: I have him in one of my leagues (the one where I’m 8-3, miraculously), and I’ve started him almost every week, I think, except for the last one. Oddly, his worst games seem to be against the worst defenses — 3.2 points against the Chiefs, 1.5 points against the Saints, 3.9 points against the Raiders. And it’s not like the Panthers (23.1 FP) or Chargers (14.1 FP) have good defenses, but Turner’s numbers have been way better than what any sane person who’s seen him play would assume. At this point, I think he’s good as a flex or RB2 start based solely on his touches, the quality of the Falcons offense, and the fact that he’s gotten into the end zone six times in ten games (on 1,512 red zone touches).

Second question, which defense to start? Houston vs. Jacksonville, or Atlanta vs. Arizona? Both the Jags and the Cards have laughably awful passing and running games, with high sack potential especially in the Atlanta game, but equally high blowout potential in the Houston game.

Hope you went with Atlanta.

Sex: Been with a girl coming up on two years now, we’re both 24, and I’m coming up on a conundrum. I love this girl, the sex is dynamite (slight asshole gripe: she’s got a really wicked gag reflex so blowjobs are at a premium),

:-|

hanging out with her is a blast, she gets on well with my friends and family etc. but I’m worried about the future. Specifically, despite all the positives, I don’t really think she’s the one I want to marry.

Why?

I still have that natural urge to have sex every hot girl that I see, and deep down, selfishly, part of me is kind of looking forward to the after-the-relationship period of when my girlfriend and I break up where I can go back to chasing strange.

Who?

But then another part of me can genuinely see us living happily ever after, with her being an awesome mom and me coaching my two sons to little league championships and vicariously enjoying their titles. I know, we’re only 24, and so we haven’t really even started talking about this future, but I know the conversation is going to come up soon, especially with my older sister getting engaged recently.

So I guess my question is twofold: how the fuck do I figure out if she really is the one (sorry for the cliche)? And if she’s not, what do I do? I don’t want to break up with her anytime soon, the relationship is still too awesome and fun, but the last thing I want to do is have her waste her prime on me expecting a ring, and then just ruin her shit by dumping her when we’re 28. I realize the presumptuousness of me thinking that she won’t get tired of me before then, but for the sake of this question, let’s assume I don’t accidentally kill her dog or hit on her mom and ruin the relationship.
Thanks, and once again,
Fuck Michael Turner

Ah, the old “I have a great girlfriend but I don’t think I’m done banging strangers” question. This has been asked so many times that I have no idea why this got included in the mailbag. Poor quality control, I guess.

You’re 24 and in love. Keep dating the person you like as long as you still like her. When she starts bugging you for a ring, THEN you can start worrying about this. Don’t start burning down your house just because you’re worried about brushfire season.

**********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy Football: My league is doing keepers next season, so far the rules are: 1. You can only keep two players from your final regular season day roster 2. If you keep a player you drafted, you lose the round you drafted said player in 3. Keeping a waiver wire pickup results in a 13th round loss. My question to you is: what about a player you traded for? Does it matter if the player was originally drafted or picked up via waiver?

I have a league where you just can’t keep a player you traded for. It’s nonsense. Make it the same as other players: same round for draftee, 13th-rounder for a waiver guy.

Sexy Time: Straight to the point: When is the appropriate time to tell a girl that I don’t want to have any children? I have my personal reasons as to why but it’s mostly because I don’t like children.

Sincerely,
I Like To Keep My Questions Short

I’d say by the third or fourth date sleepover/date that ends in sex. You’re entitled to woo any woman you like and enjoy the benefits of her falling for your moves, but you need to be honest about your distaste for children by the time she starts considering you as a potential monogamous partner.

For people with unusual tastes, I recommend online dating as the primary way to meet others. You may go on fewer dates when people see your foibles up front, but you’re better off not wasting your time with those who’d be disappointed with your preferences.

(Depending on your age and experience, I’d also lean towards keeping your trap shut longer than you might otherwise. If you’re 23 and have never been in love, shut up. If you’re 35 and divorced, let her know up front. Loving a woman gives you a biological desire to breed with her — or at least gives you a certain openness to the idea.)

**********

Caveman,
Fantasy: My team started slowly, yet is now teasing me about making a late run to the playoffs. In the end, I know I will come up short. On the bright side, the smartass who talked all draft about his amazing “spreadsheet” has the worst team in years and everyone is giving him hell about it, so that’s fun.

The guy in my NYC keeper league who drafted Chris Johnson at #11 overall — and then chastised us for teasing him about it — is the 3-8. I couldn’t be happier about it.

Sex: I have been hooking up with a very nice lady for a few months now, call her Dani. I just wanted to hook up, and fast forward: we’re exclusive as of three weeks ago. Of course I agreed, otherwise the sexy time probably would have been finito. However, Dani and I are done in May when I graduate. We have both discussed it and everything is good (she has another year and wants to move back to her hometown to continue to be close with her daughter.)

However, since I know this is not a long-term deal, my eyes are continually wandering. I now have a younger, better-looking girl (call her Jessie) (Dani is 31; Jessie is 25) who I have been having to Heisman pose to keep her away from me. She’s hot, and I’m going to choose to give in sooner or later.

So break it off with Dani and go with Jessie.

Oh, there’s more to your email? Sure, tell me some more information I don’t need.

I clearly will screw this up, but I’m wondering the best way to minimize damage all the way around. My thoughts are this: best option is to be honest with Dani and say I rushed into being exclusive, let’s take things slower.

If by “slower” you mean “not at all,” then yes.

My other terrible options appear to me to be: tell Jessie about Dani,

no

and to tell her to not discuss us with anyone,

no

and try with both;

no

tell neither and see what happens;

no

break it off with Dani and go with new girl.

HEY HEY! Even a blind squirrel etc etc.

My friends suggest telling neither and seeing what happens. Oh, I should mention: I was Dani’s TA last year, was Jessie’s TA this year

Your friends are friends with a TA who’s banging his students. You probably shouldn’t take their advice.

AND we all go to school with each other (they do not know each other and are in different years in school). My main goal is to minimize the hurt I cause Dani. She’s great, but I just want to throw it in other women.

I appreciate that kind of honesty.

Thanks as always.
Mr. Plow

You’ve made your young-guy case very well, and your intentions are clear: you want to get laid as much as possible with as much variety as possible. That’s not a sin. However, as a person with a conscience and a man with access to multiple vaginas, it puts you in a position to (a) hurt people you like and (b) create a LOT of headaches for you.

Your ideal scenario here is to be having sex with Dani and Jessie guilt-free. Tell me honestly how you expect that to work. “Okay, so I’m going to downgrade the 31-year-old single mom from monogamy to casual dating, then that will free me up for the hotter 25-year-old on the side.” I don’t know if you’ve ever met a single mom before, but if you’ve ever seen Jerry Maguire, you know that’s not a good idea.

Take it from someone who’s tried: hooking up with more than one woman is more headache than it’s worth. (You can be uber-specific and apply this to threesomes, but it’s even more true when talking about hooking up with them separately). I tried it when I was much younger — before Facebook and smartphones — and the lies were more trouble than whatever ego boost I got from being some virile biological specimen free from societal expectations. And it’s not like you have to tell big lies: it’s the more detailed effort of concealing small truths that will stress you out and ultimately incriminate you.

Just tell Dani that you got rushed into things and you don’t want a relationship, period. Clean break. (If you happen to backslide into bed with her once or twice, that’s no sin.) If Jessie is as a sure thing as  you make her sound, then you need to be unattached so you can do her without guilt — or, more specifically, without a girlfriend.

**********

Dearest Captain of Masturbatory Intellect,
Fantasy first: One of my leagues has devolved into something that’s at best unprofessional and at worst like a bunch of fucking middle school girls. Long story short – within the last few weeks, we’ve had some absolutely godawful trades go through, some of which were blatant collusion, with nobody willing to act to stop said collusion, despite a commissioner change and tons of protesting. I have an outside chance for a playoff spot, but the teams in front are trading junk for first rounders, and while I probably could get away with similar shenanigans if I wanted, I don’t feel right doing it. Is there any way to handle this without either selling out or completely flipping my shit at everyone?

No. Probably best to just remember that it’s fantasy football and doesn’t actually matter.

Sex: Fairly simple problem – I’ve never found it easy to say “I love you” as frequently as many women I date. It’s not that I don’t love them, just that I wasn’t raised to say it 10,000 times a day. Is there a way to express this reluctance to a new lady in a way that doesn’t make her go batshit crazy?
All the best,
Calmer Head

I dunno, maybe don’t fall in love?

I probably don’t say “I love you” to my wife as much as she says it to me. Sometimes she’ll say it, and in my head I’ll be like, “I just said it like 10 minutes ago, I ain’t sayin’ it again.” So instead I’ll say something like, “Yeah, you’re all right, too,” or “You don’t love me, you just love my doggy style.*”

*never actually said to wife

But here’s the thing: if you really, truly love a woman — as in, you want to sign a binding contract and procreate with her — then this question won’t be a problem for you. Because you’ll either be all too happy to tell her you love her 600 times a day, or she’ll love you enough to understand that you don’t need to say it as often as she does.

**********

Cap’n Cavem’n
Fantasy First: Is there an easier way to suggest trades for my shitty team other than just shotgunning offers all over the league? I’m a lazy man who has gave up hope three weeks ago, and for next year (I’m already that resigned) I’d like to take a bigger role outside of the draft and waiver wire. The one team I did try to trade with, Scrotal Recall, is stacked, and is a respectable 8-3. Woo lowered expectations!

I generally like to hit people up over email. “Hey, your wide receivers suck and I need a running back — I think we can help each other out. I was thinking about [X] for [Y]. What do you think?” It’s a little more personal than getting that TRADE PROPOSAL alert over email.

Relationship: I just got out of my first serious relationship that had lasted just a few months over a year. Or maybe we’re just on a break? I don’t exactly know, it wasn’t explained very well, and like I said, I don’t have the most experience in figuring this out. The thing is, she (who instigated the break) says that she misses me terribly and we’re set to talk after the Thanksgiving break from college. She had been feeling less than happy for about a month before, which caused her not to put 100% in the relationship, which made her even less happy with how things were going, and it turned into a pretty bad cycle. Now, I’m totally okay with getting back together, but there are a few problems in the way;

1. After we get back to school, it’s two weeks (one of them being finals) and then on to another, longer break, where we live on opposite sides of the state.

How big is this state? Opposite sides of Delaware or Rhode Island aren’t such a big deal. Montana’s a different story.

2. I wasn’t as sad after the break up as I thought I would be. A year of dating in my first serious relationship seems like it should have taken more than two days melancholy to get over, but other than music we shared or pictures of us I’m pretty much back to normal already.
3. She’s spending second semester abroad, in Europe. When we were fully together, I had no huge problems with the five months apart. I knew it was crappy but I wasn’t worried in the least. Now trying another five month break after only two weeks of being back in a relationship seems like a huge mountain. She’s not the type to do something like this, but I’m deathly afraid she’ll use me as a “placeholder” if that makes sense, and it’ll be five months of single college life down the tube.

I still love her, and there’s no one else right now that I’d rather spend my life with.

She gets along amazingly with all of my family and is the most understanding person I’ve ever met, but shit’s tough everywhere, man. So I ask you, guy who I read on the internet, what do I do? I’m trying to think of a way to say “If I’m still single when you get back, we can talk then,” without sounding like a complete asshole. I most likely would still be single, but a girl wouldn’t exactly take that as a comfort. I know you talk about meeting the right person at the right time, and perhaps this isn’t the right time to get back together.
Thanks,
Probably an Asshole

You are not an asshole. Ordinarily, I make a bunch of caveats about someone’s situation — “well, it could work if…”

Not this time. I can tell you with ONE THOUSAND PERCENT CERTAINTY that getting back together with this girl any time before she gets back from being abroad is a terrible idea and — more importantly — a horrific waste of your time, which is a luxury you don’t have in college.

You’re two young people in love. That’s great. (Or at least you’re in love, and she’s a confused mess who’s fucking your life up. That’s life experience.) Contrary to popular belief, love doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be together forever. College is a great time to forge deep bonds — my freshman roommate was the officiant at my wedding ceremony — but it’s also a time to fuck around, get your heart broken, and grow up (those things are more closely tied than you’ll ever want them to be).

As much as it may hurt to let go of this girl, there’s a ZERO percent chance of it working out for you right now. Pretend to be grown-ups and take some time away from each other.