More like Ken Fuch-Ups hahaha!

I’ve seen a lot of complaints about Yahoo’s fantasy football going down last Sunday. I understand that that’s infuriating if someone’s a late scratch and you need to make a change, but if you waited that long to change your lineup from the previous week, you were flirting with disaster to begin with. I set my lineup an average of four or five times per week:

Tuesday: confirm win/loss of previous week, file waiver claims, set lineup

Wednesday: pick up free agents, set/check lineup

Thursday: check to see if any players are in thursday night game, set/check lineup

Saturday/Sunday: injury follow-ups/final lineup check

See, people? All you have to do is be an obsessive maniac, and you won’t have to worry about it. On to your questions:

Caveman,
Fantasy: Thanks for your mostly helpful advice throughout the season. Your doubts on Megatron last week cost me a little, but I’ll survive. My question is in regards to my overpowering WR corps, mainly due to being in a 8-team league [(I know, fuck me)(but really, fuck the two owners from last year with drug problems causing them to be kicked out)] and 13-player roster. Our lineups lets us play up to 3 wideouts, and my stable includes Welker (vs IND this wk), Wayne (@NE), Wallace (vs BAL) and Megatron (vs GB). With no more byes between them, one rides the bench each week. And with my league accepting trades as often as the Transit of Venus, I’m not getting anything for them via transaction. Unless you know of a method to convince the old farts in my league to give up something worthy for once, who do I leave benched this week? (No PPR, 10yd=1pt, TD=6pt)

I’d sit Wallace. He has the least favorable matchup and his quarterback is Byron Leftwich.

Ladies: I recently got out of a 3 1/2 year relationship (broke up on my 24th bday, no less). It wasn’t going anywhere with just about every aspect, and I couldn’t live with that situation anymore. My problem is since I was 17, I’ve been single approximately 9 months total, due to 2 separate, long-term relationships. Now that I’m getting back into talking to ladies that aren’t my girlfriend, how do I go about having the mindset that the first girl I talk to isn’t one that I’m aiming to be with long-term?
Eternally yours,
Eggo ROYffle

Let your dick be your guide.

Seriously, knock it off — you’re making the rest of the 24-year-old dudes look bad. “Durr, I’d say my biggest weakness is I’m TOO willing to commit.” Practice this sentence: “I just got out of a long relationship, and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” It is the code that frees you from commitment after you have sex with someone.

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Dear KSK,
No fantasy just sex. My wife and I are going to her parents’ for Christmas this year. They however will not allow us to bring our dog along. With Christmas being on Tuesday this year my wife wants to head down on Friday night and stay until Wed (at least morning). I however think its BS that our Dog will then be boarded at the “Dog Hotel” for 5 nights (at a cost of roughly $500 as well). Am I out of line for refusing to go down until Monday morning and refusing to stay beyond Wed morning? Even at that I’m not happy w/ 2 nights.
-Barkley Givens

Not sure how a question about boarding your dog while you stay at your in-laws is a “sex” question, but I’ll roll with it.

I feel you: boarding your dog sucks. Not only do you feel like a shitty dog parent, but the price of it is absurdly high. I used to get gouged pretty regularly until I realized friends in the neighborhood loved my dog and were happy to take care of her. SCORE! (This doesn’t work if your dog barks a lot or needs special food or medication.)

If you can’t pawn your dog off on friends or neighbors, send your wife off on Friday night, enjoy the weekend with your dog, then join your wife and her family on Christmas Eve. Use the “prohibitive cost of boarding” as an excuse to drink beer and watch football and war movies with your dog while your wife puts in the family time. Because let’s be honest: any people who aren’t dog people aren’t worth spending extra days with.

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Gentlemen:
I’ve been away from the dating scene for a short two or three year break but have recently began dating a pretty nice girl. We have gone on some really great dates. The “getting to know you” kind of dates. She loves to talk, so we’ve had hour after hour of phone conversations and we seem to be connecting on a pretty profound level.

As you get older, you lose your capacity for bullshit in life and I have been dating and married and dealing with women for the past 30 something years, so I ask the new girl; “Since we’re just starting out, can we be totally open and honest and forthcoming in our discussions? Can we not feel the need to lie to one another and just be who we really fucking are without the sugar coating?”

She says: “Yes we can.”
I Say: “Thank Christ.”
She: “Can I tell you something now?”
I: “Of course.”
She: “I was in prison.”
I: “Umm. OK. For how long?”
She: “6 years.”
I: “Wow. So, what did you do?”
She: “Conspiracy to distribute.”
I: “OK, geez. How long again?”
She: “6 years.”
I: “Fuck. We’re you guilty”?
She: “Yes.”
I: How old were you?
She: “24”
I:………….

Have you ever the questioned the very concept of forgiveness? Rehabilitation?

No.

She’s been living a productive and socially conscientious life since she’s been released. She has a good job. It’ll make a heart warming holiday story if nothing else. Ten years, she’s been clean. Yet.

Hey, want me to do my impression of you? Here goes! “Hey, can we just be really honest and forthcoming, so I can judge you when you say something outside the realm of my expectations?”

Don’t get me wrong: six years in prison qualifies as serious time, and drug dealers — even if you take into account our country’s draconian punishments for drug violations — aren’t known to be the most reliable, trustworthy people. But I also believe in transformative experiences and second chapters in life. I spent more than eight years of my life studying warfare, learning the art of killing, practicing it in Spartan environments, and applying what I’d learned with an M1A1 tank to the people of a sovereign nation. And yet here I am, writing about fantasy football and making YouTube videos while somehow NOT gunning people down with 7.62mm automatic weapons. (Some people may object to me comparing service in the Marines to being in prison. I assert that they’re more alike than different.)

Ten years of clean living is enough to pardon her past. Judge her for the person she is now. Or, you know, maybe don’t judge her.

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KSK Gurus,
As the commish I need a little help here deciding what should be done. The Yahoo FFL website failure impacted one of our head-to-head outcomes. Manager A was trying to sub Houston’s TE Graham for Owens but couldn’t do to the site failure. Although Graham only scored 3 in our league it would have been enough for a win.

Do I:
A) Reward the 3 points
B) Say tough sh*t should have made the changes earlier.
C) we get what we pay for and the site is free. So tell Manager A to just swallow it.
Thanks,
Vince

First of all, B and C are the same thing.

As for the ruling, I agree with flubby, who says, “As a commissioner, I say if Manager A sent an email to the commissioner (and ideally his opponent too) before the deadline then award Manager A the 3 points. If he didn’t, then go pound sand.”

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Hey Captain,
Football: I decided to not target any elite QBs in the draft and my strategy is actually paying off, I’m 7-3 and in 2nd place in my league. My team is stacked with Shady, Forte, Doug Martin, Harvin, AJ Green, and Jordy Nelson (with Desean Jackson and Cobb on the bench) Unfortunately my league is a 2-QB league and one of my starters, QB Dogkiller/Ron Mexico is now out, and probably won’t get his starting job back (my other starter is Dalton).

Because Vick was doing so awesome BEFORE he got hurt.

Because of the byes , the best option to pick up is Mr.Lauren Tannehill. There’s a guy in my league who has Palmer on his bench and has major needs at WR and RB (he has Nicks, MJ, and DMC, and Maclin all hurting). I obviously need a QB but this guy is a complete bitch to trade with (also a massive Pats fan but that’s besides the point). Should I trade for Palmer, or play whichever QB on the waver wire has the best matchup?

I think Palmer’s one of the better budget-option QBs for the stretch — especially this week against the historically shitty Saints defense, AS I OUTLINE IN THIS WEEK’S “KEEPERS.”

I’d happily give up Cobb or Desean plus a spare part to land Palmer.

Sex: Not truly a sex question but how to deal with friends’ significant others. In my group of friends we all hate our friend ‘Claire’s’ boyfriend ‘Ron’. It’s not that he’s a dick to her or a bad guy, he’s just a massive fucking loser. The last time some of us hung out with the two of them, we were just having some beer and pizza before a movie, and he pulled out his laptop and started playing Warcraft or something like it and didn’t participate in conversation.

Sir, there is NOTHING like the World of Warcraft!

I could list a whole bunch of weird things this guy does but I doubt you care.

You read me like a poem.

In the beginning of January we’re all going to friend’s cottage for a weekend of partying. Two friends in our group “Dan” and “Jon” have girlfriends that we all like and aren’t fucking weirdos, and have been invited to the cottage. Neither of them will be able to come however. We haven’t brought up the weekend to Claire yet because she’ll insist that Ron has to be invited. We figured that if Dan and Jon’s girlfriends came, we’d have to invite Ron, but because they can’t go there’s no reason to invite Ron right? Claire will probably push for Ron to come but because other peoples’ partners can’t come, why should he be invited? It’s not like she’ll be the only person there without their boyfriend/girlfriend
-Exclusive Cottage Guy

As long as there are ZERO significant others in the cottage, you can, in theory, pitch it to Claire as “Well, Dan and Jon aren’t bringing their girlfriends, so it’s kind of just our little circle…” In practice, it’ll be a little more difficult, as Claire will have to explain to Ron that she’s going to cottage for a weekend with her friends — many of whom are dudes — and he isn’t invited.

I think just about everyone I know has a cool friend who’s paired off with some jackass/moron/bitch they have no business slumming around with — a Hope Solo with Jerramy Stevens, if you will. It’s frustrating and confounding, and at age 34 I still don’t have a solution for it. You just either put up with the shitty half or invite your friend out less. It sucks, but that’s life for you.

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Greetings Captain,
I’ll begin with fantasy given that the time frame is much more pressing. I’m in an ESPN PPR league, standard scoring otherwise. Somehow over the course of the season, whether through quality waiver pick ups or players finally meeting draft expectations, I have ended up with a TON of quality WR2 options. I have 2 WR spots and a Flex in which to play these guys, and I have 6 almost identical options to choose from. The list consists of Wes Welker, Eric Decker, Danny Amendola, Torrey Smith, Brian Hartline, and Randall Cobb. Welker is a guarantee start, so I’m looking at the other five to fill two open spots. Decker was a rock for the most part this season, but was terrible last week. Cobb absolutely exploded for me off the bench with the injuries to Greg Jennings and Jordy Nelson, but I’m worried he won’t be looked at as much after the bye last week. Amendola came back from his injury with style, and both he and Hartline are clearly the favored targets of the their respective QBs. Smith is hit or miss, but can explode on deep touchdowns. I’m begging for your assistance here, aside from Welker I’ve been staring at this lineup all week and still have no clue who to sit.

That’s a season-long headache that will screw you pretty much every week unless you’ve traveled from the future with a sports encyclopedia, which would be impossible because sports encyclopedias stopped existing when we realized the internet was a lot lighter.

That said, I think Welker and Decker are weekly starts in a PPR league, and I’d give Hartline the nod this week against Buffalo. In the coming weeks I’d probably lean towards Amendola. Smith and Cobb may be better at getting in the end zone, but in a PPR league I’d lean on those white possession receivers — they’ll be more consistent week-to-week.

Now on to the sex! I’m in a great relationship with an incredible girl and we’ve been dating for about 8 months. It is by far and away the best relationship I’ve ever had, and she feels the same way. We are both stable, independent and still totally into each other. In fact, and this is actually kind of wild, but we’ve never even fought. That was scary at first because I didn’t feel like it was natural, but now I realize that it’s just because we are both compatible and capable of reasoning out our differences. We’ve still certainly had disagreements, but absolutely no shouting or resentment.

Ah, the three R’s of good communication in a relationship: rational, reasonable, respectful.

The reason I bring this aspect of our relationship up is that it directly impacts our sex life, at least for me. I know for a fact that she’s pretty open to trying new things, and we have tons of really good quality sex. The problem I’m running into is that it’s almost too rational. I respect this girl more than any other person I’ve ever dated, and the last thing I want to do is force her to do something she’s not comfortable with. Luckily, after talking about it, there’s not much that falls into that category. Unluckily, despite knowing she’s cool with stuff, I’m having a lot of trouble expanding out of the safe zone. Like I said, the sex is quality, so in the moment it’s difficult to break the routine and try something new. However, I know that variety is the spice of life, and there needs to be some if we are together for a long time. To make matters worse, when the idea of something is discussed and planned out, it seems to really kill the excitement of trying it. I guess the bottom line is that knowing and loving a person make it harder to do the weird sex stuff that my body still wants to do. Any advice on how to get past that barrier? I really love this girl and could see this lasting a very long time, and it would really suck if the physical side wasn’t as great as it has the potential to be.
Sincerely,
Massive First World Problems

I see your point, but I’m not sure there’s a problem here. I mean, if you’re enjoying the sex you’re having with the girlfriend you love, how important can pushing the boundaries really be?

My recommendation would be small steps in creativity to avoid routine. You don’t need to jump right in with ejaculating in her ear or fisting her b-hole, you know? Just go with some light bondage or role playing for now — if she ends up being the right woman for you, you’ve got the rest of your life to fill her Eustachian tubes with semen. Who says romance is dead?