Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW THAT DISCUSSES THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, WE HAD AN ELECTION LAST WEEK. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU VOTE?

Herm: WHEN YOU REGISTER TO VOTE, YOU’RE ELIGIBLE. BUT I’M NOT REGISTERED.

Jon: WHY AREN’T YOU REGISTERED, HERM? EVEN JERRAMY STEVENS WAS REGISTERED TO VOTE AND HE’S A FELON.

Herm: I GOTTA FOCUS ON COACHING FOOTBALL AND PLAYING STONE COLD JAMS. AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR POLITICS.

Jon: BUT THIS IS STILL THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS COUNTRY, I CALL IT LEVI STRAUSS BECAUSE THE COLORS DON’T RUN! SPEAKING OF AMERICA, OUR NEXT GUEST IS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE, REINCE PRIEBUS. REINCE, HOW THE HECK ARE YA?

Reince: Well, I’ve had better days, Jon, but I’m glad to be here.

Jon: I HEAR YOU BROTHER.  DIDN’T WANT TO SHOW MY FACE AFTER THE TUCK RULE GAME.  BUT I WENT OUT AND GOT MYSELF TRADED TO A BETTER SITUATION ANYWAY.  REINCE, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET TRADED TO THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.

Reince: It doesn’t really work like that.

Jon: DID THE REPUBLICAN PARTY MAKE YOU ITS FRANCHISE CHAIRMAN? YOU CAN DEMAND A TRADE EVEN IF YOU’RE A FRANCHISE PLAYER.

Herm: WORKED FOR CHESTER MCGLOCKTON.

Reince: No, I would never leave the Republican Party.  Right now we’re focused on doing a better job of getting our message out.  We feel that Democrats were able to distort what we stood for back in the summer and we were never able to overcome that.

Jon: LEMME TELL YA, YOU WIN SUPER BOWLS OVER THE SUMMER IN TRAINING CAMP.  YOU START OUT THE SEASON ON THE WRONG FOOT AND SOONER OR LATER IT’LL CATCH UP TO YOU.

Herm: YOU CAN’T WIN UNLESS YOU PRACTICE STARING AT THE SUN.

Jon: MIKE ALSTOTT ONCE SPENT ALL OF TRAINING CAMP HUSTLING GUYS AT ARM WRESTLING IN YBOR CITY INSTEAD OF PRACTICING HIS BLOCKING AND IT COST US A TITLE.

Reince: Mike Alstott?

Jon: THIS MIKE, I’D CALL HIM THE REPUBLICAN PARTY BECAUSE HE WAS WHITE AND SLOW AND THE GAME PASSED HIM BY.  REINCE, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO APPEAL TO WOMEN AND MINORITIES IN THE NEXT ELECTION?

Herm: YOU CAN’T WIN ELECTIONS WITH WHITE GUYS ANY MORE. YOU NEED TO LOOK AT THE ROONEY RULE.

Reince: I don’t think tokenism is the answer here. What we need to do is show how conservatism and the Republican Party can empower people.

Jon: NOBODY HAD MORE POWER THAN THOSE BILL PARCELLS TEAMS IN THE ’80s. YOU WANT TO EMPOWER PEOPLE YOU STICK OTTIS ANDERSON AT RUNNING BACK.

Herm: THE BIG O! HE WAS ALL ABOUT THE POWER.

Jon: SO HOW ABOUT NOMINATING OTTIS ANDERSON IN 2016?  YOU COULD EVEN PUT HIM ON A TICKET WITH CHRIS CHRISTIE.  THAT MAN WAS BORN TO PLAY NOSE TACKLE.

Reince: I don’t think that’s a feasible scenario.

Jon: WELL THAT’S TOO BAD BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK.  PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.

Herm: ALRIGHT MEN, LET’S RUN OUR POMPATUS OF LOVE PLAY. AND… BREAK!