Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW THAT COVERS THE BIGGEST ISSUES OF THE DAY.  THIS WEEK WE’RE GOING TO LOOK AT THE DAVID PETRAEUS SCANDAL.  YOU GOT THE HEAD OF THE CIA.  YOU GOT HIS BIOGRAPHER.  YOU GOT A BUSTY LADY FROM TAMPA.  THIS SCANDAL’S GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THIS AT ALL?

Herm: WHEN YOU GOT A SEX SCANDAL, YOU’RE THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE DAY.  WHEN YOU’RE THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE DAY, YOU MAKE THE FIRST TEN MINUTES OF THE TODAY SHOW.  AND I WATCH THE FIRST TEN MINUTES OF THE TODAY SHOW EVERY DAY!

Jon: DAMN RIGHT YOU DO.  AS YOU MIGHT KNOW THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE KNEW ABOUT THIS SCANDAL BEFORE THE ELECTION BUT DIDN’T TELL THE PRESIDENT UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.

Herm: AIN’T NOBODY DISPENSING JUSTICE LIKE THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE.

Jon: SO WE GOT FORMER UNITED STATES ATTORNEY GENERAL MICHAEL MUKASEY HERE TO EXPLAIN THAT DECISION.  HOW YA DOING, MICHAEL?

Michael: Thank you Jon, I’m doing well.

Jon: YOU WERE BROUGHT IN TO CLEAN UP THE MESS THAT THE GUY BEFORE YOU LEFT.  JUST LIKE BILL PARCELLS ON THE COWBOYS.  THAT’S WHY I CALL THIS MIKE THE TUNA, BECAUSE HE’S GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO LEAD MEN.  MICHAEL, WHO DO YOU THINK WAS WORSE, ALBERTO GONZALEZ OR DAVE CAMPO?

Michael: I’m not really sure if I can compare my predecessor to a football coach.

Herm: WHEN YOU FIRE U.S. ATTORNEYS FOR POLITICAL REASONS, IT’S WORSE THAN GOING 5-11.  ALBERTO GONZALEZ WAS WORSE THAN DAVE CAMPO.

Michael: I suppose you could say that.

Herm: SAW THAT ON THE FIRST TEN MINUTES OF THE TODAY SHOW.

Michael: Yes, after the U.S. Attorney firings I made a rule that the Department of Justice could not inform the White House of pending investigations, which was cited by Attorney General Holder when he decided not to advise the White House of the Petraeus investigation.

Jon: A GOOD RULE.  WHEN I WAS ON THE RAIDERS I ORDERED PLAYERS TO LISTEN TO MOLLY HATCHET BEFORE EVERY GAME AND THAT RULE IS STILL IN EFFECT.

Herm: MOLLY HATCHET IS THE BEST BAND IN AMERICAN HISTORY.

Michael: Well I think the rule was actually mis-applied by Attorney General Holder because I made an exception for matters that dealt with defense and national security.

Jon: YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT DEFENSE, HOW ABOUT WHAT THE NINERS ARE DOING THIS YEAR.  AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT HARBAUGH SLEEPS WITH ALL OF HIS ASSISTANTS’ WIVES.  HE SAYS IT SHOWS DOMINANCE.

Michael: I fail to see the relevance of Jim Harbuagh to the Petraeus scandal.

Jon: AND SPEAKING OF CUCKOLDS, HOW ABOUT THAT JILL KELLY LADY.  SHE’S EVERYTHING YOU LOOK FOR IN A WOMAN FROM TAMPA. BREASTS, A LITTLE CRAZY, MIGHT HAVE TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY, HATES BUBBA THE LOVE SPONGE; SHE’S GOT IT ALL!

Herm: IT DOESN’T GET MORE TAMPA THAN THAT.

Michael: I’m sorry, I lost track of this conversation.

Jon: THAT’S OK, BECAUSE THAT’S IT FOR GRUDEN TALK THIS WEEK.  HERM EDWARDS SEVEN, PLAY ME OFF.

Herm: ALRIGHT SEVEN,WE’RE GONNA RUN SOME FLIRTING WITH DISASTER!  MOLLY HATCHET!