Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW THAT COVERS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HOW WAS YOUR THANKSGIVING?

Herm: GOT TO EAT MY FAVORITE PART OF THE TURKEY: THE BONE!

Jon: THAT’S TOUGH, MAN.  YOU’RE A REAL GRUDEN GRINDER.

Herm: WHEN YOU EAT BONES YOU EAT CALCIUM.  CALCIUM MAKES YOU STRONG.  THAT’S WHY I MADE THE JETS EAT BONES WHENEVER WE ORDERED FROM POPEYE’S.  DEWAYNE ROBERTSON TURNED ME ON TO IT.

Jon: HE WAS A GRUDEN GRINDER TOO.  ANYWAY WE’VE GOT THE FORMER FOOD CRITIC AND NOW NATIONAL EDITOR OF THE NEW YORK TIMES SAM SIFTON HERE TO TALK ABOUT THANKSGIVING.  SAM, HOW YOU DOING BUDDY?

Sam: Pleasure to be here,  Jon.

Jon: SO LET’S TALK TURKEY FIRST.  WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE WAY TO COOK A TURKEY?

Sam: Well if you get a heritage bird then you might want to consider brining it first.

Jon: I LIKE TO EAT THE TURKEY RAW.

Sam: Eating undercooked poultry could put you at risk for salmonella poisoning, Jon.

Jon: THAT’S WHY I EAT IT FROZEN.  MAXIMUM THANKSGIVING INTENSITY.  MY MOLARS ARE THE REAL GRUDEN GRINDERS.

Sam: I’m stunned that you would do this and am amazed that you haven’t broken your mandible.

Herm: EATING BONES MEANS YOU HAVE STRONG BONES.

Jon: I TOLD YOU HERM I DON’T EAT THE BONES.  BUT LET’S GO ON TO STUFFING.  WHAT DO YOU PUT INTO YOUR STUFFING?

Sam: I actually find that wild rice-based stuffings to be not only delicious, but healthy too.  Just add some turkey stock and…

Jon: I LIKE PUTTING BATTERIES IN MY STUFFING.   PICKED THAT UP WHEN I WAS COACHING IN PHILADELPHIA.  THE SULFURIC ACID REALLY GIVES IT A BITE.

Herm: AIN’T NO BETTER WAY TO DEVELOP IMMUNITY TO BATTERY ACID THAN EATING BATTERY ACID.

Sam: I’m almost afraid to ask what  you do to make gravy.

Jon: THIS GRAVY, I CALL IT GIBLET JUICE.  YOU GOTTA MAKE IT FROM THE GIBLETS OR IT WON’T BRING MAXIMUM FLAVOR TO THE GAME.

Sam: I’m just stunned you got something right.

Jon: HELL, I PUT GRAVY ON EVERYTHING.  OF COURSE THAT’S ONLY ON THANKSGIVING.  WHEN I WORKED WITH ANDY REID HE’D DRINK 4 TO 5 CUPS OF GRAVY A DAY.  SAID HE HAD TO BECAUSE COFFEE HAS CAFFEINE AND HE CAN’T HAVE CAFFEINE.  THAT’S WHY HE’D CUT HIS GRAVY WITH WHOLE MILK.

Sam: Actually, milk gravy goes pretty well with biscuits at Thanksgiving.

Jon: YOU WANNA TALK BISCUITS WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT GRADY JACKSON.  I CALLED HIM BISCUIT BECAUSE HE WAS GREAT EVEN THOUGH HE WAS COVERED IN JAM ABOUT HALF THE TIME.  TOO BAD BECAUSE IT MADE HIM A LOT EASIER TO BLOCK.

Herm: WHEN YOU HAVE JAM ON YOUR SHIRT YOU GOTTA WORRY ABOUT IT GETTING STICKY.

Sam: I’m sorry, I’ve totally lost track of this conversation.

Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE THAT’S IT FOR GRUDEN TALK THIS WEEK.  HERM EDWARDS 7, PLAY US OFF WITH SOME THANKSGIVING MUSIC.

Herm: TIME FOR SOME ABBA.  THANK YOU FOR THE MUSIC ON 3!