Clay Matthews got to realize an advertiser’s drug-induced fever dream for Zaxby’s.

“Okay, we’re gonna have Clay Matthews is an all-white locker room. It’ll be like a Diddy All-White party but a locker room and not a party. Otherwise, same thing. Clay is standing around, minding his biz, maxin’ and relaxin’, when this player in full uniform in this empty Diddy locker room walks up and slaps his ass. I know ass-slappin’ is sometimes not gay in locker rooms, but it’s clear this player is not on Clay’s level. GET ON CLAY’S LEVEL BEFORE YOU ASS-SLAP HIM, BRO. Anyway, Clay is super pissed. He’s gonna rage. But then this player takes their helmet off and it’s a CHICK. Do we have anything left in the budget for a record scratch effect after all the blow? Did we go through it already? F*ck, that sucks. We need more blow! Anyway, Clay doesn’t mind because it’s a chick and he shares his chicken fingers with it. IT’S A METAPHOR FOR FINGERING HER! THE CENSORS WILL NEVER CATCH IT!”

Michael Vick tweeted and then quickly deleted a photo of him poring over his iPad playbook while his daughter did homework nearby. The gimlet eyed folks at Crossing Board spotted a box of Milk Bone sitting in the top corner of the photo. Vick posted a nearly identical version of the picture, only with the Milk Bone box absent. “Hold on, honey, daddy has to take this photo again BECAUSE THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW ABOUT YOUR PET.”

Ookie mentioned off and on over the past few years that he wanted to own a dog again, but was prohibited under the terms of his probation, which expired in July. So he’s not violating any laws, just the will of PETA, which stated in July just before the end of Vick’s probation that he should never be allowed within 50 feet of a dog.

Welp. I already have a headache thinking about the potential outrage. Let’s just hope this all blows over. Or Vick just likes feeding his daughter Milk Bone because he’s a negligent monster.

RGIII has more socks for you to buy at the Adidas retailer of your choosing. Special discount if you vandalize some Nike stuff on the way to the register. The socks typically include a stock motivational phrase. In this case, one of them has STAY HUMBLE written on it. Because there’s nothing more humble than hawking catchphrases on your own line of personalized socks. RGIII would be doomed for permanent GLOREEE BOYYYY status if not for showing up to this suburban Virginia high school’s breast cancer awareness game over the weekend. Oh, you lucked out this time, BobGriff, but Greggggg will remain ever vigilant for examples of gloryboyism.

“Place vocal cords here”

Larry Johnson was arrested for assaulting a woman for the fifth time. When security responded to his Vegas hotel room, he told one of them, “I’ll rip your f*cking vocal cords out.” Then he saw it wasn’t a woman, and was, like, oh never mind. His psychosis is kind of specific.

Your early game slate, as rated for potential watchability by KSK’s patented four- and sometimes five-star system:

Miami at Cincinnati *
Green Bay at Indianapolis **
Baltimore at Kansas City **
Cleveland at New York Giants *
Philadelphia at Pittsburgh ***
Atlanta at Washington ***