The Perfect Norv Stat Is Fitting
Peter King Says Chuck Pagano Scored 30 Points With His Cancer

The Best Moments From Week 5 Sunday

By Christmas Ape / 10.08.12

Another Sunday of full of drinking and schadenfreude in the books, with only one more likely blowout left until the end of Week 5. For the most part, good times abounded. The exception was the late afternoon games. Peyton mocking notwithstanding, they were overwhelmingly unwatchable lop-sided games. Only Seahawks-Panthers was close, but that was anything but pretty.

Could have been worse. You could have been watching baseball. Though if the ratings were any indication, you probably weren't. Good for you.


Before getting into the recap of Sunday's action, I want to note the improvement in the quality of NFL propaganda. That USA Football ad with Michael Strahan lisping at the kid that he should thank his coach and his parents for erasing the existence of head injuries was just unbearable. I'm glad the NFL has swapped it out with more palatable lies with that at least elicit a chuckle at the end with Ray Lewis glaring at Tom Brady. Yay, intimations of murder! Welcome to the new safe football!

Crosby shank

We've bagged a lot on Colts fans over the years. We will continue to do so. But we can at least have warm, fuzzy feelings about the team they root for this week, as the Indy rallied for Chuck Pagano while dropping the Packers to 2-3.

Green Bay players were also sporting Chuckstrong stuff during warm-ups. Way to be lovable in your loserdom, guys.

Breesus record

Here's the clip of Breesus' record-breaking TD pass to Devery Henderson. Nice of the Chargers to not even bother covering receivers so their former QB could get his record. Don't get me wrong. I'm not implying San Diego laid down for it. I'm too familiar with standard levels of Norv incompetence to think such things.

Dogs! Cats! Living in Harmony!

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Cutler and Mike Tice are happy fist-pumping bros now. Funny how things get much less acrimonious when your defense scores all your points for you.

Arrowhead Spring tragedy

Chiefs fans have every reason to be disastisfied with the play of Matt Cassel. That said, you probably shouldn't be cheering for the injury of anybody on the field. Chiefs tackle Eric Winston laid into those fans after the game. Here's the audio of his rant, if you're interested.

RIP Cassel fumbles

That said, if you don't want people to applaud for your untimely football demise, you probably shouldn't fumble snaps on the goal line.

Even with the Chiefs extensive collection of derps, it still took a highly questionable call for the Ravens to come out ahead in Kansas City. I guess Baltimore isn't entitled to any more BULL-SHIT chants at the refs, scab or real, for a while.

DeAngelo scolds you too


It's not Eric Winston that wants to remind us fans that we're shitty people sometimes. DeAngelo Williams caught hell on Twitter for lackluster stats by fantasy football owners. If you know anything about the Internet, making an effort to correct people's horrible behavior never quite goes as smoothly as planned.


Manningface!

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? PUNT!

Don't forget your Riversface, either. It's tempting to GIF every shot of Rivers. I have to actually stop myself because it would be too much. But Laserface has yet to not have a hilariously shitty reaction shot.

Willis McGahee: Awful Leasty

Back in Week 1, Terrell Suggs have Willis McGahee shit on Twitter after he fumbled against the Steelers, reminding folks that he was always scared of playing Pittsburgh. Well, I think McGahee put that notion to bed yesterday. He isn't afraid to be shitty against anyone. Yesterday, he had a terrible drop on a sure-thing completion of 4th and 1, then fumbled later in the game to put the final nail in the Broncos' comeback bid.

"Reggie Rayne: Veewie Veewie Good"

Reggie Wayne looks to be a prime candidate for Meast, no matter how much announcer wish to mangle the pronunciation of his name.

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Liming with Atari Bigby

We've been over how glorious the Atari Bigby player introduction during Sunday Night Football was. I will add that I also love that Eric Weddle is the guy to go after him. It's like "Atari Bigby, Jamaican stereotype. Eric Weddle, White Guy University."

Vick Vick Vickadelphia

Oh man, the Eagles fan cries for the white guy backup are going to be stupendous this week. Not that Vick hasn't enabled them by being a turnover machine. Yesterday, he coughed up the ball three times, two being recovered by the Steelers. Another was fallen on by a teammate.

Picks for Peanut

Charles Tillman set a franchise record for his eighth career defensive touchdown. It was his second in as many weeks. Ditto for Lance Briggs. Those are the kind of stats you can put up playing Tony Romo and Blaine Gabbert in consecutive weeks.


Rog: Hero To The Common Billionaire

Way to Kill Yourself, Pierre Thomas

What's so great about the NFL propaganda ads about how the game is safer now is that they often follow things like Cris Collinsworth gushing praise all of Pierre Thomas for continuing to smash his head into the defense after losing his helmet. "No worries, guys. We fixed the culture!"

Vikes So Hard

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This guy is prepared for battle if he wanders into a Grimace and Birdie orgy in the forest. He's both raising awareness and hoping that folks aren't aware of him. Such a contradiction.

Douchey, But True

An appreciated reminder, though perhaps a little out of place at a tailgate for a Falcons-'Skins game.

How many RGs am I holding up?

Not celebrating the fact that Robert Griffin III won't know where he is until Tuesday. But you can find satisfaction for the fact that Mike Shanahan will get disciplined for being less than forthcoming about the nature of RGIII's injury during the game. Oh, and that EvoShield couldn't be the quarterback-saving wonder vest that PK said it would.

Hooray, Broadcaster restraint


Percy Harvin, kind of all right

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I'll credit Drew for holding off on being smug about his beloved Vikes. He did pick them to go 10-6 before the season and so far, so good. I give him three more weeks until the chest-beating starts in earnest.

Feats of Doopyness

It didn't hold up because it's illegal and all. Even when Doopy Pantz isn't doopy, he still is.

Ass Tackle Discipline

Defenders have learned the hard way the dangers of trying to tackle Trent Richardson on head-on, so credit to innovative approaches by Chase Blackburn.

Great JERB, NBC

I typically try to stay away from shitting on people about typos seeing as how I make more than a few myself. You write enough stuff, they're going to happen. Then again, UPROXX doesn't have money for copy editors, so if an error makes it onto the site, it's only on me. That said, NBC can afford some eyeballs to look stuff over before it gets on the web. Unless they're trying for Al Michaels phonetic spelling of New Orleans, I'm not sure what the fuck happened here.


 

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