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Meast And Least For Week 5

The Best Moments From Texans-Jets

By Christmas Ape / 10.09.12
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J.J. Watt has his big coming out party in Houston's less lop-sided than anticipated victory over the Jets. Watt has been a monster all season, but the national media needs the excuse of a nationally televised game to give a key player on an undefeated team that doesn't play for a team on one of the coasts or the Cowboys his due plaudits. Nevertheless, the swat jokes will abound whenever the Texans will their next marquee game.

You gotta hand to the Jets for trying every last-ditch tactic possible last night. Onside kicks, fake punts, using Antonio Cromartie at receiver, actually bothering to play defense at least for a little while. Granted, if Houston were a little better in their red zone attack last night, that game wouldn't have been competitive for anywhere nearly as long as it was, but even if it cut into some of the Jets schadenfreude potential, it was nice not to have the outcome be a foregone conclusion before halftime.

I'm sure the trolling faction of the media is already furious at New York for not using Tebow more in the offense, especially on the final play of the game. To be perfectly honest, I don't see why you wouldn't at this point, anyway. Even if Sanchez is a better passer than Tebow, which is even somewhat debatable at this point, the Jets don't have receivers other than Kerley who can catch the ball, so the Runslinger might as well be out there absorbing hits from the defense.

Not that Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico didn't go full gush on J.J. Watt through the game, but I'm willing to guess that ESPN made the game intro entirely about the Texans as a preemptive counterbalance to the endless Tebow discussion that was sure to follow.

After the Texans' Week 4 win over the Titans, Tennessee guard Leroy Harris claimed that J.J. Watt is nothing special. If last night's constant reminders to the contrary are any indication, ESPN disagrees. As much as you want to rebuke a player the announcers are being overly complimentary to, it's difficult to deny that Watt makes big plays. He had a sack last night and tipped both of the Sanchez passes that ended up being intercepted by Houston. He also knocked down the Jets final desperation pass, which was hilarious. Afterward, Watt was caught by cameras saying, "Can't try to throw it over my head."

ESPN had a graphic showing that J.J. Watt has the nexessary vertical leap to dunk a basketball. WHITE GUY UPS! And he did the Mutombo finger wag after rejecting a pass? Greggg Easterbrook says don't let the skin color fool you, that's typical GLOREEE BOY behavior for a former first-round pick.

It wasn't just Watt deflecting passes that had the booth all agog. Gruden also got moist in the pants for the Texans' backside blocking. Yes, Gruden actually called it a "backside symphony" after the line sprang Arian Foster on a touchdown run. Usually that term is reserved for when Beethoven's Fifth is performed in hot pants.

Chucky also tripped also D'Brickashaw Ferguson's name during the game. THIS JABRICKAFAW, I'M GONNA CALL HIM THE TONGUE TWISTER.

Tebow got the chance to throw a few times and was actually, dare I say, accurate on one deep pass, which was dropped by the recently acquired Jason Hill. That's some fine Tebow sabotage, sir. We salute your efforts. Of course, ESPN is quick to alert everybody when Tebow's mistakes are not his own.


Terrell Owens let it be known on Twitter during the game that his services are available should the Jets come a-calling. I mean, you can only watch Antonio Cromatire have problems locating the sideline before T.O. becomes a feasible option. And at this point, what is there to root for with the Jets except even more sideshows and outsize embarrassment. Embrace the spectacle of meltdown, guys.

Arian Foster stopped by the ESPN talking head table after the game to engage in the usual inane banter. Foster is indeed a witty, thoughtful guy. But Stu Scott damn near drops the "you're so articulate" line on him when going on about how Foster is the rare player who can actually carry on a conversation without drooling football platitudes on his shoes. I mean, yeah, there are a bunch of players who struggle to string a coherent thought together, but it's not like Arian is the only dude in the league with something to say for himself.


Wade beating his chest after a victory on Twitter is the most adorable thing ever. Especially because he was almost certainly typing one-handed while downing a victory cupcake.

I won't go as far to say that I like the Texans, but they are somewhat disarming in their awkward goofiness. Matt Schaub winning a Super Bowl would be amusing just to see how marketing people would try to turn this mild, unattractive guy into a star. He doesn't even look comfortable when he's angry.

The Sunday Soundtracks feature continues to be a delight. In fact, if ESPN could ever divorce itself of Berman, the Monday Night halftime could actually be a thing to look forward to. Of course, that will never happen. If anything, they'll scrap Soundtracks and just give Berman more talking time just to spite us. Yay! We aren't allowed to have nice things!


It's always great when ESPN airs a commercial during Monday Night Football that would only typically see on the Outdoor Channel at 3 a.m. And so it was last night with this spot for FarmersOnly.com, a dating site for the agrarians among us. You know how those BigSpot.com ads start with an obviously fake ad for a terrible product? I was sure that's what this was. But no! It's a for-real ridiculous business venture. Those are the best.

sarah

All I want is for Steve Young to share with me his secret of how he keeps his forehead wrinkle-free.

siegfried

“Nick Mangold is genetically different from most people.” Gruden thinks most people are clones

TokenBlackGuy

"No city like it in the world. And we’re across the river in a different, shittier city!"

UncPhil

I’m still wondering if JJ Watt is special

Brian

What are the odds the last thing Houston’s defense hears before this next series is Wade Phillips saying “Any of you fucking touch Sanchez and you’re cut”

Mike Martz Colors Dont Run

Is “SEC” short for Secede? I don’t really follow college ball

Buttfore

This is the part where the Jets fans get a little chesty, making their ultimate failure that much sweeter.

Feklhr

If Fireman Ed had his dick out, it would be best screenshot ever.

Otto Man

This is going to hurt the Texans’ pass rush.

We all know the old saying: The more the Cushing, the better the pushing.

Mike McCarthyism

I assume Woody Johnson was clapping because he just saw a Romney ad

Otto Man

No, it’s Columbus Day! I forgot to buy my wife flowers and smallpox!

StuScottBooyahs

At first this game was TOTALLY UNEXPECTED. Then it became expected.

Troll-So-Hard-University

Here’s a secret to scoring for the Jets: don’t let the offense on the field

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