Bad Idea Jeans

I know that part of the mailbag’s appeal is its length (that’s what a person said about sex), but shorter is not necessarily bad. I didn’t get a lot of emails this week, and some of the ones I got didn’t merit long responses. But there’s still plenty to argue about below, from not inviting kids to weddings to whether you can have sex with your wife while your infant is in the room.

Oh, and fantasy football, too.

El Capitan,
FF first: how seriously should I consider dropping Mason Crosby and playing kicker-by-matchup weekly? I grabbed him late in the draft but just a tick soon, anticipating that having a kicker with a strong leg from a top offense would be a good play. Not so far. But I’m in first place, and kickers don’t make THAT much difference anyway, so am I overthinking myself here?

You are overthinking things.

Sex: I just got engaged. We don’t want guests bringing young children (say, under 10-12ish) to our wedding. Both of our families (the few close members with whom we have discussed this, anyway) are not keen on the idea, not wanting to offend people whose poorly-behaved kids are their pride and joy. We unequivocally do not want kids screaming, fighting, fussing, etc during any part of the ceremony and reception, but we apparently are in the minority on this stance. How can we tactfully broach the subject, while minimizing hurt feelings? Ultimately we’re going to do it our way anyway, but would prefer to minimize the drama.
Warm regards,
Kickers and kids trouble

There is no way to minimize the drama. There just isn’t. Kids are their parents’ pride and joy, even though most kids are dumb and ugly and loud and shitty dancers. And they count as heads for the open bar, even though they don’t drink and you don’t want them there. But their parents think they’re great, because the alternative is realizing that you spend most your time every day with little people who suck. No matter how you frame the situation, your friends and family with kids will think, “Surely they can grant an exception for MY little angels!” Then if you hold firm, they’ll be all, “Well if you don’t want my kids there, you clearly don’t want ME there!” Parents can be real twats. Like, just get a babysitter and go get drunk at the wedding, okay?

The other school of thought is that weddings bring together families, and families have different generations, and kids are part of the whole circle-of-life thing. I respect that position, but I like weddings that are big drunken dance parties, and I’ve never been to a big drunken dance party and thought, “This is awesome, but I wish there were more kids here!”

My wife and I circumvented this problem (for the most part) by having a destination wedding and encouraging everyone to stay with us at a boutique hotel that didn’t allow children. That allowed us to encourage the people with kids to take a romantic getaway, but even with that we ended up jumping through some hoops. I don’t even know how you’d do it for a regular wedding. Maybe something on the invitation that says, “Please, no guests under the age of twelve”? Or allowing kids at the reception but not at the ceremony? I dunno, there’s probably a wedding blog that’s better suited for this topic.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy: 3 open spots for 4 WRs: Calvin Johnson, AJ Green, Vincent Jackson & Brandon Marshall.

Sit Jackson. Every week. I’ve done everyone else the favor of deleting the rest of your fantasy question.

Sex: I understand everyone’s different, but how long should it take to move on from a first love? I’ve been single for almost 2 years now after nearly 7 years in a serious relationship that began at age 19. I’ve spent this time doing what you’ve recommended repeatedly in these situations and focused on myself, gotten myself into the best physical shape of my life, traveled, etc. Most days I’m great: Enjoying single life, dating around, all the new found freedom and the like. But even now, every so often something randomly pops up and triggers that emotional stomach punch out of nowhere that leaves me pissed off and almost struggling to breathe, which in turn pisses me off even more that I’m still letting those thoughts effect me after so much time has passed. It’s a pointless cycle of shitty feelings that I loathe and look forward to moving past fully. They do happen less frequently as more time has passed, but is this something that will ever fully stop?
-Li’l Sebastian

It never fully stops until you fall in love with someone else. Time helps, though.

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Hey Captain,
First off, thanks last week for advice. I tweeted at you last minute for advice on taking a chance with Aaron Hernandez back against your beloved Seahawks or staying with Chandler hoping for a comeback week. I got nothing back, but I decided take your silence on the matter as fear of Hernandez eviscerating Seattle. A last second substitution netted very positive results, Hernandez 10.5 to Chandler’s 0.7.

You’re welcome! By the way, I’m trying to be better about responding to tweets, but there are minutes — even hours — during the week when I’m not looking at Twitter. Sorry about that.

Now this week I’m at a loss who to start at my RB2. The league is a 20 yds a point for receiving, rushing, and return yds with .5 PPR with 6pt Td’s. I’m set pretty well with Sproles as my RB1 but for RB2 I have a plethora of meh to hopeful performances Ridley @ NYJ (leaning towards), Felix Jones @ Car, or Chris Johnson @ Buf (lolololol). Also I have William Powell who last week got me 7 points but I dont expect much from him against Minn.

Go with Ridley. I like Felix Jones’s matchup at Carolina, but Jones is perpetually in danger of tweaking one of his tender muscles or papery tendons. The Jets’ rush D is pretty bad, and the Pats will be looking to get back to the form they showed in their previous two wins (200+ rushing yards) than their loss at Seattle (58 pass attempts for Brady).

As for relationship, due to your solid advice throughout the years has ultimately led me to now being engaged. Things are going well. Wedding planning has commenced (I will be employing your advice for planning a la if I dont care about an issue, then shut the hell up). I do have some need for advice though on a bachelor event. My issue is that I have several sets of friends (high school buddies, fraternity brothers and college friends, as well as a group of older married couple friends) Any advice on a trip/event or way to intermix all the groups of friends who have not hung out before? Or quit worrying, get drunk, have fun, and bro trip it up? We do all play golf for the most part so thats a starting point maybe.
Thanks for the help,
Probably needs to be like J “Don’t Caaaaaaare” Cutty

I had the same thing: Marine buddies, college friends, Brooklyn friends, bloggers, etc. We got on a boat and drank a bunch. Everyone got along fine. I fell down a lot.

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Caveman,
I’ll try to not make this sound like a humblebrag; please know that in the grand scheme of things I realize this isn’t much of a problem. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half. She’s into ladies a bit, but only when it’s as part of a threesome with a guy. She had a couple of threesomes with her former boyfriend before I ever knew her, and we have had a couple of encounters with an acquaintance of hers. It was great, particularly Halloween when they were dressed up as slutty nurses.

Anyway, she’s expressed interest in finding a girl for another threesome (the acquaintance now has a boyfriend–that ASSHOLE!–and is therefore unavailable). We have an ad on PlentyofFish, but it’s mostly other couples (which we’re not into) instead of single women, so we’ve had no luck there. Do you or the Kommentariat have any other bright and/or magical ideas? I’ve considered trying to pick up a third at a bar, and we’ve even played the game of picking out a girl in the bar who we would most like to bring home, but the degree of difficulty is high. Any other ideas? I’ve considered enlisting professional help, but I’m not sure how my girlfriend would feel about introducing an escort into things–so that may be a bit too tough to bring up. Help me KSK, you’re my only hope…

-Baltimore

You poor thing. Go to Craigslist.

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Caveman,
How are you?

I’m good. A little tired. I need to make more time to go to the gym.

I was raped by Rodgers last week, and need a win this week to stay in the hunt. Your advice would be appreciated.

Football: I have Jennings (@StL), James Jones (@StL), and Brandon Gibson (GB), and need just one of em to fill my last flex spot. Jones has been great this year in Jenning’s absence, but Greg has been rested the last 2 weeks, and he’s probably playing this coming week. If he’s Probable, which I feel like he will be, should I roll the dice with one of those 2 GB receivers, or try out Bradford’s new binky, Gibson? PPR, otherwise standard scoring.

You have to go with your star players when they’re healthy. Otherwise you’ll just hate yourself when Jennings finishes with 120 yards and two touchdowns. JESUS, WHY DID I SIT GREG JENNINGS?” If he gets 80 yards but Jones scores the touchdowns, well, you played the #1 wideout over the #3 wideout. That’s the smart play throughout the season, and some deviation is normal.

If you’re wondering why Brandon Gibson isn’t part of this discussion, it’s because it’s never wrong to sit someone on the Rams. Although I do kinda like Daryl Richardson, AS I MENTION IN THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF KEEPERS WHERE COULD IT BE OH IT’S RIGHT HERE YOU MAY AS WELL WATCH.

Relationship: I’m moving into a new apartment with my fiancee this weekend.

Man, everyone’s engaged. Can you readers do me a favor? Find some single dudes trying fuck strangers and send them this way.

Wait, that came out wrong.

This is a new experience for me (and her), and was wondering if there’s any general advice to avoid any unpleasantness with the old lady. I’m generally a normal, respectful person, but women are irrational and small stuff like leaving a dirty dish in the sink can cause meltdowns.

You’ll quickly gain an understanding of your fiancee’s pet peeves around the apartment; try to be respectful of them. Probably the best way to keep things running smoothly is to do chores without being asked (NOTE: I’m not very good at this). Think of chores as foreplay. “If I do the dishes, then she won’t be thinking about the dirty dishes, which makes her more receptive to sex.”

Also, aren’t hotel beds the best beds in the world to have sex on? Name me 5 better beds. You can’t.
Thanks,
Dingus

I cannot. Hotel sex is great.

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Captain -
I have a team of 6 wide receivers who are boom and bust, and I am sick of trying to guess who to start. I have Ray Rice and Michael Bush as my only RBs. It’s a QB/TE/RB/WR/FLEX/FLEX standard scoring league. Should I accept this trade: Give up Eli Manning and Marques Colston (my best Wr) for Christian Ponder and Alfred Morris. Morris has been solid, and Ponder isn’t terrible this year outside of the last 2 games (against tough pass D’s). The best QBs on the waiver wire are Palmer, Weeden, and Wilson.

Just because you have a glaring need at RB doesn’t mean other owners can rape you in a trade. Colston for Morris straight-up is pretty close to fair, which means you’re giving up Eli for a barely serviceable Ponder. Fuck that.

For sex – Is it ever ok to have sex with an infant in the room?

It is NEVER okay to have sex with an infant, anywhere.

At what age does this become not-ok? I have a young child and prefer not to scar her emotionally, but at the same time, SEX…
Thank you
D

I’m sure that it’s okay to have sex when an infant’s in the room, provided that the infant is your own. Haha, now I’m thinking of you and your wife having a perverse turn-on. “Oh, what a cute baby! GOD I’M SO HARD LET’S FUCK IN ITS PRESENCE”

Anyway, I put the question to flubby and Drew, who are fathers with families in houses with multiple rooms.

Drew: “I’ve never done it. But hey, if you live in a studio apartment or something…”

flub: “I never did but, like Drew, I never had to. I don’t know if I could though. I kick the dog and cat out of the room and turn the photo of Ali around, so I might have modesty issues.”

Personally, I think you need to get that baby her own room as soon as possible, and no later than her first birthday.