Hines Ward is already one of however-many-I-don’t-care former NFL players to win on “Dancing With The Stars”. Of course, that happened when Hines was still an active player in the league. Now that retirement has come, he’s looking for things to do now since NBC is only sparsely using him as an analyst because Hines is pretty bad on the mic. What better than more reality competitions? Each more insipid than the last!

What’s that? A horrible cooking competition show starring Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri? Sure!? I mean, SURE! That’s right, Hines Ward is going to be on a reality cooking show in January. No way that doesn’t distract me from those boring ongoing playoffs. Anyway, Hines should incorporate his mixed cultural background into his cooking. Think Paula Dean plus, uh, well, I don’t actually know any Korean chefs. Quick fix: butter on top of kimchi. How can’t that win? Bold flavors, you guys.

– Jimmy Haslam is to be commended for waiting as long as 20 minutes after taking over as Browns owner to shitcan Mike Holmgren.

– Fred Davis called RGIII “Black Jesus” after the Redskins win on Sunday. A more accurate phrasing would be “historically accurate Jesus”, but that doesn’t strike the ear as smoothly. On Monday, Newt Gringrich randomly compared RGIII to Bill Clinton for reasons that have nothing to do with getting groped.

– Five cars belonging to Giants players were burglarized and another was stolen from a private lot while the team was on the road playing in San Francisco. Please don’t tell me they swiped Eli’s boaster seat.

– The Steelers have suspended rookie defensive tackle Alameda Ta’amu, their player with the most Samoan name since the days of Chris Fuamatu-Ma’afala, after he went on a DUI car crashing spree, but not in the cute way that David Diehl did over the off-season. This episode netted him five felony and 10 total charges.

– Awesome Glenn Bat Paokers banner, buddy.

– “Yay, now I can buy Rudi Johnson’s cherished possessions,” said nobody.

– In case you’re interested in white people getting rowdy in white people ways, a Packers and Texans fan simulated going down on each other during a pregame party last week while a cover band played Blues Traveler. Busted Coverage calls this a tailgate party. Do all tailgate parties in Houston look like bad wedding receptions?

– The NFL has approved a three-day window for legal tampering before the official start of free agency. I hope this doesn’t cut down on the number of bitter executives complaining when one of their guys is lured away to another team. That’s always the best.