I don’t mind losing at fantasy football. Sometimes the other guy’s pretend team puts up better stats than mine, and that’s okay. But the one kind of loss that I absolutely can’t stand is when I think I’m super-smart and make stupid decisions that cost me the game. And I’m not talking about the kind of loss that happens because you start your regular guys and someone like Brian Hartline puts up 35 points on your bench. Last week I lost to the Cajun Boy because I started Michael Bush and Ben Tate over Reggie Bush and DeAngelo Williams. I had my reasons: Reggie was injured and had a bad matchup, I thought Matt Forte would be limited, I hate starting DeAngelo…

Also coloring my decision: Tate and Michael Bush have each had a two-touchdown game while on my bench, and I didn’t want that to happen again. So I started two guys who are backups over two guys who are starters. We get so wound up over tiny details and matchups and who might go off – I say “we” because I hope I’m not alone in doing this — that we ignore obvious things like “play the guy who’s a starter.” I hate being stupid.

Anyway, let’s get to your questions. FEATURED THIS WEEK: marriage versus deportation, ex sex, running backs that I hate, videos of women having orgasms, lousy friends, and more.

Dear KSK,
FF: I’ve got a great set of receivers that have performed well thusfar this season: Andre Johnson, Miles Austin, Steve Smith (Car). I have shitty RBs who have not: Matt Forte, Shonn Green, Jonathan Stewart

Hey now, Matt Forte’s not shitty. He just gets injured a lot.

I have nobody that good to plug in at WR, but I do have Scott Chandler to dangle as trade-bait (Vernon Davis is my starting TE). I haven’t sent a trade offer to anybody yet, but in this pass-happy league, is it smart to trade a consistent receiver to boost my depleated RB corps?

Haha, “depleated.” I picture your running backs all wearing flat-front pants. (It’s a cleaner look.)

Having to start Green or Stewart every week is no way to go through a fantasy season. Make a trade. Maybe you can package Stewart and Chandler to DeAngelo Williams’s owner?

Sex: Pretty common problem: I’ve been dating a girl for about four months. Get along great, blah blah, Being the man, I am always first to open my pocketbook. This past weekend we took our first big roadtrip to the Big City. We got our hotel rooms for free from a family friend, but between the gas, tolls, parking, drinks, meals and entertainment, I’m out about a G. I’m okay with that, but she never even offered to pick up one tab or one tank of gas. It’s not like she’s begging me to take her out, and then splitting to the bathroom once the bill arives, but, c’mon, just an offer is all I ask. We’ve got plans this weekend to on a double-date with friends of ours, and I know that’s another $150 – $200 night. How do I approach her maybe paying for a night out once in a while without offending her or making her think that I’m keeping score?
- Bellwether Johnson

Most men have been there. A few years back, I would go out to dinner with the girl I was dating two or three times a week, and the chivalry of paying for the meal that I had at the beginning of the relationship became a habit. So even though we made about the same amount of money, I was dedicating a sizable chunk of my income on our entertainment while she ate for free. It even got to the point where she didn’t even thank me for paying for the meal. That’s all well and good if I’m a Wall Street big shot and she’s a bisexual model with access to good cocaine, but I’m Joe Blogger over here. I have like two pairs of jeans.

Of course, it costs money to be a woman. Jezebel calculated that women spend about $26,000 on vagina maintenance between the ages of and 20 and 30 — and that doesn’t even get into gender-specific costs like manicures & pedicures, stuff that makes their hair soft and shiny, makeup, and whatever other fairy dust that gets applied during the two hours they’re getting ready.

However, once the courtship is over and you get into a monogamous relationship, it’s time to start sharing some costs. And there’s no magic bullet here: you just have to ask her to chip in. If you’ve been paying for everything from jump street, you can’t be upset with the status quo you’ve created. You can’t bill her for half the costs of a weekend road trip after the fact. Want her to pay for gas? Say, “Hey, would you mind getting this tank of gas?”

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Oh Captain, My Captain:
Fantasy First: Made the colossal mistake of drafting Chris Johnson with my first round pick, and I feel like its going to haunt me for the rest of the season. My running back corps is CJ0K, Stevan Ridley, Donnie Brown, and Felix Jones.

/weeps, drinks heavily.

I’ve decided that I either need to make a trade or murder Johnson and bury him somewhere in the woods. I’m in a competitive league, so there are no waiver gems available, and no patsy owner to trade rape. Is there anything i can do to get Johnson off my team? Trade him and another player for someone like Fred Jackson, who will see diminished numbers with Spiller blowing up? Or do i just plant him on the bench and watch my record go to shit? I also have Julio, Baby Punchin’ Steve Smith, V-Jax, Jimmy Graham and Pey-Pey, if that helps inform your advice.

Here’s what I wrote about Johnson for this week’s episode of Keepers:

I successfully avoided Chris Johnson in all four of my drafts before the season, but I still hate him. I hate him for YOU, the poor sap who bought the lies about his return to greatness, who started him for three weeks and got nothing from him, who benched him in Week 4 only to see him run for 141 yards against the Texans. Johnson did this to you, poor fantasy owner, because he’s mean and loves to watch you lose.

As a fantasy football owner, I crave reliability, and Johnson offers none. That’s why, in this week’s episode of “Keepers,” I recommend you unload Johnson as soon as possible. Of course, it’s possible that he returns to greatness — but if he does, it’s only to spite you. He’s the worst.

Even if you don’t have any suckers in your league, there’s probably someone willing to buy low on Johnson, who actually has a shred of value now that he rushed for 141 against the Texans. Even if you’re only getting a Jonathan Stewart or Ryan Williams for him, at least you can be happy that he’s off your team.

Sex: I broke up with my girlfriend of 5+ years right after new years and moved out of our NY apartment and back home to NJ. We spent months not talking but started to occasionally chat when the summer came around. We eventually met up and had a great time with each other. We even got to talk about some really tough subjects; breaking down what went wrong with our relationship in a civilized manner, coming to the understanding that despite being great friends, we weren’t meant for each other, and that we would never get back together. We also did a lot of apologizing. We had a really fiery dynamic, which often became explosive when we drank. (I could be a mean drunk, and drinking with her was like playing Russian roulette. Two out of three times she’d be the life of the party, but that third time? Woah boy. She got so shitfaced on my birthday last year that she tried to jump out the window of our 3rd story apartment in front of our friends.)

Ha ha, classic. Those are my favorite parties — when someone does something really horrible and awkward that just sends the party to a grinding halt with a metaphorical record scratch. That kind of juicy gossip lasts YEARS. My wife and I can talk about it and rehash it and tell all our friends about Crazy Jane who threatened to jump out the window. Which reminds me: we need to go to more parties.

She also mentioned that she’s sort of seeing someone. He’s a lot older (early 40′s to her 25), lives in Boston and is currently separated from his wife. While they are not exclusive, they do like each other quite a bit. With that said, she has occasionally sent me flirty texts, mostly after she’s had a few to drink. Before I found out about this guy, I didn’t really spend much time fantasizing about sleeping with her, but now I think about it kind of often.

She still lives in Manhattan, and we planned to meet up for dinner and drinks soon. We’ve been friendly for the last few months, and part of me just wants to hang out with her again in a totally platonic manner.

This is you:

After all, we were such good friends and loved each other so deeply for so long, despite all the craziness. The other part of me

the honest part

wants to bang her goddamn brains out. I am pretty confident that if in the right circumstances, we’d end up having sex again.

I mean, a lot of this has to be rooted in some kind of subconscious jealousy, and that shouldn’t be a reason to sleep with an ex, right? On the other hand, she’s hot as hell and great in bed. Is this a bad idea or the BEST idea? Sorry for the long email, but there was a lot to unpack here.
–CrazyTown

It’s natural to want to bang your ex-girlfriend: it’s a comfortable body that you’ve grown to miss now that you have some distance from the wreckage of breakup. Plus you know all the right buttons to push, and it’s always pretty hot because you both know that it’s “wrong.” Back in college, I formulated a theory that you could have sex with an ex twice. Three times opened the door to backsliding into a broken relationship, but once or twice made for a nice severance package (penis reference). It actually worked really well in college, then I got out into the real world and it almost never happened again. And I was pissed. I still occasionally see a random Facebook update and think “Bitch owes me a break-up lay.”

Anyway, your ex isn’t exclusive with the guy she’s seeing, and considering that the guy she’s seeing is still FUCKING MARRIED, I believe that makes her available. I’d take a swing at it. Two swings, even. Just no more than that. (If she tries to convince you otherwise, picture her trying to jump out the window at your birthday party.)

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I quit playing two years ago. Keeps my blood pressure down.

Probably pretty smart.

Sex: My ex is friends with my good friend’s wife. I introduced them while I was seeing her. Neither of them had many friends at the time, especially somewhat close in age. Things didn’t work out and it took me awhile to figure out how much of an idiot I was for letting things continue. I have a new girlfriend now and we will almost surely run into my ex since all our social circles are small. Please advise. My strategy with the ex has been avoid any contact (which I have for many months) but hopefully be civil.
Thanks,
Chip Shipsley

Be friendly and polite to your ex. Be attentive to your new girlfriend. Then buy three rounds of body shots and see if they’ll make out. THREESOME BRO! UP TOP!

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy: In my PPR league, I picked up C.J. Spiller back when Fred Jackson went down. I still have Spiller, but Jackson’s available on my waiver. Who do you think will be a better play for the rest of the season?

The fucking Bills, man. Can’t do anything right.

I’d probably go with Spiller just because he can do more with fewer touches. But realize that you’re probably fucked.

Sex: I offer you Rhian Sudgen.

I don’t know who this is, but it reminds me of an important message for parents: do not name your daughter Rhian. She’ll grow up to look like a bland Vegas stripper. And I’m not trying to be a misogynist troll here. This woman absolutely is sexy to me, but it’s a manufactured sexy — something canned and pre-packaged at the porn factory. Too many preservatives, you know?

I like free-range, organic sexiness. Reader Sean emailed to share this video of Stoya reading erotica:

It’s a pretty dull video until a couple minutes in, when you realize there’s more going on underneath the table. Specifically, a Hitachi. (Stoya writes about it here.) Anyway, it turns out that this is a video series, and a pretty entertaining/sexy one at that. It’s hard to believe that the last two minutes of Stormy Leather reading from American Psycho are allowed on YouTube at all.

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Dear Sultan of Snatch,
Fantasy first: I’m in a two-quarterback league (not my idea, don’t judge me for it). I’ve got Cam in slot 1, for obvious reasons, but I need to make a choice between Luck (vs. Green Bay) and Kolb (at St. Louis) for the second seat. The smart move is probably Luck, but Kolb came up big for me last week with Luck on the bye, and I’m not sure how I feel about the matchup with Green Bay. Your thoughts?

Luck. Don’t even think about that.

Also, choose three: Beast Mode (at Carolina), McGahee (at New England), M. Bush (at Jacksonville), Tate (at NYJ) or Brandon Bolden (vs. Denver).

Beast Mode and McGahee because they’re starters. I’d give Tate the green light against New York — the Jets are giving up 172.8 rushing yards per game, second-worst in the league ahead of the Saints. I could see the Texans running the ball 40 times on Monday night.

On to sex: This spring, I found myself pretty infatuated with a girl, let’s call her Rachel. For a while, it looked as though she had some interest too, but nothing ever came of it, and at this point I think I was probably deluding myself into thinking she was interested in the first place. Several months later, we are fairly good friends, and while I still hold out some hope, I’ve mostly come to peace with the fact that it’s not going to happen.

Way to settle for a friendship you’ll never be happy with!

Recently, however, my newly-single roommate, Paul, who has known about my feelings for Rachel for pretty much the duration, announced that he was interested in asking her out, but that he wouldn’t do it if I asked him not to. I told him the truth: I’d be incredibly upset if that were to happen, and it would probably ruin two better than average friendships for me, not to mention making my housing extremely unpleasant. He said that it wasn’t a big deal and he wouldn’t pursue her.

Paul is a good friend, and I trust when he says he won’t continue. It was, however, probably a much bigger deal than he was letting on. That’s not meant to sound accusatory – he just probably wouldn’t even have brought it up if this were only a passing interest. After our talk, Paul sulked for a couple days and essentially wouldn’t speak to me.

Probably because you’re a selfish little bitch. “You can’t date the person I used to like who’s not interested in me!”

I don’t know for sure, but it seems pretty likely that it was about Rachel.

Ya think?

Since then, things have gotten mostly back to normal, but I’m concerned that there is some ongoing resentment brewing. Short of telling him “Forget what I said, go for her,” what can I do to make sure I haven’t ruined this friendship?
Thanks,
G

What the fuck? Short of telling him that he can go for the girl that he likes? I hope I’m misinterpreting what you wrote, because that sounds an awful lot like your permission is off the table here.

Rachel and Paul are supposedly “better than average” friendships in your eyes, and if that’s true, you should want them to seek happiness in life and love. Hell, I’m THRILLED when two of my friends decide that they want to have a relationship. YAY, PEOPLE I LIKE ARE HAPPY!

The problem, G, is that you’re NOT friends with Rachel — you want to fuck her. And you’re a shitty friend to Paul, who broached a topic he knew to be sensitive to you, and you chose to put your own sliver of an unfulfilled dream ahead of his free will.

It is never, never, never too late to apologize. Tell Paul you’re sorry and that he should ask her out. Who knows? Maybe she’ll reject him and you guys can commiserate about it.

**********

Hey KSK,
FF: I’ve got Cam Newton and RGIII. How should I go about choosing which one to start each week? I’ve gotten it wrong every week thus far.

RG3 is the #1 fantasy player in the NFL. Start him and flip Cam for a top-tier RB or WR.

Relationships: My girlfriend (fake name: Lisa) and I will have been together for a year, and up till now the relationship has been the best I’ve ever had. I’m 30 and she’s 24, so sometimes there’s a bit of a life experience gap between us. She’s still sort of in that quarter-life crisis stage where she’s spent a few years out of college and found out that the real world is not as kind and welcoming as she’d imagined. She was miserable at her job due to shitty bosses and coworkers and is no longer sure if she’s on the right path toward her dream job. You know how it goes. We’ve all been 24. On the other hand, I’m well past that part and, while I wouldn’t mind a higher salary, I’m pretty comfortable with all aspects of my life. But besides those sorts of gaps, our relationship has been rock solid. We make each other laugh, the sex is glorious, and we can’t get enough of each other. We had plans to move in together once her current lease ends in January.

Here comes the trouble. Last Friday, Lisa’s company let her go. That would suck for anyone, but in her case she now faces deportation. She’s what’s called a “third culture kid,” meaning she was born in one country, grew up in another country (while attending an English-speaking international school… she doesn’t even have an accent), and then came to the USA for college and stayed to pursue her career dreams. The result is that there’s no country that really feels like home to her. So, since she’s not an American citizen, she was on an H1B work visa. Turns out, the instant you’re no longer employed on a work visa, you’re supposed to GTFO. Lawyers haven’t been optimistic, but there is some gray area where if she can find a new job in her field asap, she might be able to get her visa back into good standing. Thanks shitty recession economy, but while we’re doing everything we possibly can to find her a new job, it’s not looking good. In the meantime, she’s moved in with me while we go through this ordeal.

Our other option, of course, is marriage. According to the lawyers, that would be the golden ticket to keeping her in the country, no doubt about it, no deadline. We get married, problem solved. We touched on that conversation briefly the other day, but we both agreed that we would exhaust all other options before revisiting that possibility. Before this happened, marriage was not even close. I’m 30, though, so it wasn’t like I hadn’t secretly thought about it. I figured we would move in together, and then if things were still going great a year from now, maybe take the plunge then. I could see it. But now? It’s all really sudden, and what we don’t have is time.

Also, like I said before, Lisa is 24 and there’s that life-experience gap. While I’m at the point where marriage isn’t such a far-fetched notion, she’s somewhat further away from that mindset. What we do know is that we are in love and we are not ready for it to end, especially not this way. We are both agreed that if we did get married, we would do it for each other because we are in love, and because we want to make a long-term commitment to each other. This would not be a marriage of convenience just for the sake of staying in the country. And that’s where we left that conversation while we try desperately to get her a new job.

From my perspective, the more I think about it, the less crazy marriage seems. We’re in love, we’re happy, and I can visualize spending the next 40-50 years of my life with her. And what’s even more surprising to me is that these thoughts aren’t even freaking me out. Financially, I’m not where I would have liked to be for marriage,

…said everyone ever

but that seems like less of a factor given our time constraint. But I can sense that Lisa isn’t as sure. What can I do? I’m probably going to buy a cheap ring and propose, because I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t even try. I know she loves me. Knowing that once she’s gone, she’s really, really gone, do I try to push her into it?

Whoa now. She won’t be really, really gone. She lost her visa, not her kidneys.

Do I do everything I can to try to convince her that we would have happy lives together? Or do I take a more passive stance and let her figure it out on her own? In any other situation I would never dream of trying to pressure her into something like this, but this is something different.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to convince her. Men have been doing that since the dawn of time.

Both of our lives are going to change drastically one way or the other no matter what, it’s just a matter of which way we choose, and we don’t have a whole lot of time to make that choice. I can’t tell if the indecision I’m sensing is more because she’s still young and is afraid of this kind of commitment, or if it’s more that she’s just not sure about a commitment to me specifically. Should I pop the question and give her the ring first and then sit down for the long conversation? Or should we discuss it first and then show her the ring only if she decides to go for it?
Thanks,
Suddenly Serious

I don’t think you need the ring at all, but if you decide to get one, save it until after you’ve had the discussion.

You make it sound like your only options are get married or never see each other again, and that’s not true. She could leave the country, and you guys could give long-distance a try, using that to determine how deep your feelings are. You could quietly get married at city hall to keep her in the country, which would buy you the time that’s presently so short. That way, if your relationship continues to go well, you can propose and have a “proper” wedding with all your friends and family down the line. If for some reason it doesn’t work out, you’ll have some paperwork to take care of, but you won’t be thousands of dollars poorer after buying a ring and paying for a wedding. It’s not the romantic ideal, but to me that seems like the most prudent arrangement if you’re concerned about her not being ready to commit but willing to bet otherwise.

Anyway, it’s a shitty situation, but you shouldn’t despair. You love her and want to marry her, so go ahead and tell her that you’re ready for that commitment. But it doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing.