I kinda hate being in super-competitive fantasy leagues. Alex Green, LaRod Stephens-Howling, and even William Powell got snatched up on waivers in most of my leagues this week, and Vick Ballard — pictured above — got scooped up as soon as the news broke that Donald Brown needed surgery. I’s not that I think those guys are gonna be super-awesome — no Cardinals running back is going to help you this year — but it’d be nice if I could be a little lazier and still win. Stupid all-consuming fantasy football. (FWIW, I actually think Ballard is the best play out of those guys this week.)

Before we get to your emails, I would like to remind you that you can get additional fantasy advice from my weekly show, Keepers. I would consider it a personal favor if you watched this week’s episode. Thanks!

CC:
Football First: 12 team league (2WR 2RB and a split) I have Foster, Bush, Sproles, Fred Jackson, Ryan Williams, and Andre Brown.

(Note: this was written before Ryan Williams was out for the year.)

Obviously I am stacked at RB, I have been trying to move a couple of them to upgrade at WR or QB with zero luck. I have offered deals like Jackson, Brown and Hartline for Cruz and Ben Tate as an idea with no takers. I have been countered things like Sproles for Luck (i have Vick and Dalton). The way I see it is everyone has to start 2 RBs and I have 5 starting RBs. Someone needs to cut a deal, right? Am I crazy or totally overvaluing my RBs?

You have two starting running backs, one good flex player, two good fantasy running backs when their teammates are injured, and a giant piece of shit. Sproles for Luck is a great deal to upgrade from Vick.

Sex: I am going to write this trying to sound least like an asshole as possible, but its probably not going to go well. Growing up I had a number of nannies from all different parts of Europe. Some were really really hot. Anyway one of those really hot ones (from Poland) married into a family with fuck you money (good for her). My family and her American family (I don’t know her Polish family) are friendly and have stayed that way. Fast forward 18-20 years. She now has her own nanny from Poland.

Fascinating story about nannies.

This nanny is also very hot. Last summer I met her as kind of set up date. We got along fine and despite the fact that she was hot I didn’t pursue it. I knew I was only really interested in banging her, and knew it would be really messy when it ends. Well about two+ months ago I saw her out in a bar at the shore where both my family and the family she works for go during the summer. In a bit a drunken state (she was too) I took advantage of the opportunity that I had passed on previously. That was obviously a good thing as were the multiple rendezvous after. This girl is really nice and all that but other then when we are doing the horizontal dance we have nothing in common, combine that with a little language barrier and any time with her (besides carnal pleasures) is pretty terrible. I dread going to dinner and would rather perform self castration then go to a game with her. Obviously this is not the girl for me.

And you arrived at this obvious point in such a brief, not at all long-winded manner! Thanks!

I am pretty sure she wants something out of it, also she is 29 and I am 30. My question is this, how do I get out of this with the least amount of collateral damage? Normally in cases such as this I just continue to take advantage of getting laid until ‘the talk’ or in a rare occasion I find someone else. I told you I was going to sound like an asshole, mostly because i am. I am afraid the talk won’t come (language, cultural difference ect.) and the longer I continue the more mess will ensue. Do I tell her I want to have sex with her but in no way want her to think this is a ‘thing’ (never had one of those, but can’t assume it goes well)? Do I hang out with her and just not have sex with her? Do I cut communication? Or am I worrying too much and shit will work itself out (as it generally does)?
-Lost in Translation (with a good problem to have)

Break it off with her.

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Hey Cap’n! Thanks for including my question in last week’s ‘bag. Figured I’d give you an update and ask for advice one more time.

Football: Started Chris Johnson out of sheer desperation against the Texans the other week and HOLY SHIT HE DIDN’T MURDER ME! (Note: Writing this before the weekend games because I won’t have time before the next mailbag. I will start Johnson against the Vikings and he will rush for 34 yards. GUH.)

24 yards, actually. Ryan Williams, who left the Cards-Dolphins game early due to season-ending injury, rushed for more yards playing behind the worst run-blocking line in the NFL (FO metrics) against the best rushing defense (in terms of YPC).

Don’t start Chris Johnson.

But as of right now, I’m better at fantasy football than I am at: Trying to bang the Ex-girlfriend. You suggested I take a couple swings at her and swing I did.

If you missed it last week, this reader has an ex-girlfriend he dated for five years; she is now seeing a married 40-year-old dude in Boston. I said go for it because I think it’s okay to have sex with an ex-girlfriend once or twice. NO MORE THAN THAT.

I met up with my ex and some new friends of hers last weekend. We had a great time drinking, singing karaoke, and shamelessly flirting for several hours. We decide to leave her friends at one bar and meet up with my best friend uptown. On the cab ride there, she sticks her tongue down my throat, kisses my neck in all those old, awesome familiar ways and when I tell her some of the unspeakable things I want to do to her later, she says, “Yeah, well I’m dating so-and-so now and I’m not a cheater.”

Hahaha, what an awesomely terrible crazy awful person. It’s funny because you wasted five years of your life.

Obviously I was not happy but I didnt make it a huge deal that night. She proceeds to invite me to stay at her place and smoke a joint, but reiterates that we won’t be getting down. I say no thanks and GTFO.

That could have very well meant that she wanted to get down. “Listen, nothing’s going to happen, but we should do some drugs that hamper our decision-making skills and revisit the issue.” Still, you made the right decision.

She was up in Boston for a business trip this week (that’s where he lives) and called me because she was “bored.” I grilled her about their relationship because I can’t help myself

You’re stupid.

and I end up really insulting her with this exchange:

Her: Well, you know he likes me for who I am. He just wants to make me happy.
Me: If I were a 40-something guy in the middle of a divorce I’d keep my hot, 25 year old piece of ass happy too.
Her: We’re done with this conversation.

I told her that we can’t be friends if she’s got a boyfriend because I know that I won’t be able to hold my tongue and because fuck her for leeching my attention and emotional stability for shits and giggles. Of course i did end up finding out who her new boyfriend is and what he does. SHOCKER: He’s loaded. And getting divorced, so maybe half as loaded?

I also saw photos of him online and he is just…a regular looking guy. Below average, even. Grey, paunchy, rockin’ dad jeans and a visor. Seems like a cheesy uncle that i’d like hanging out with if he wasn’t banging my ex girlfriend. I find all of that shocking, because she futilely tried for 5+ years to get me to dress like a goddamn H&M model.

Okay now. Last week when you asked if you should try to sleep with her, you wrote this:

We spent months not talking but started to occasionally chat when the summer came around. We eventually met up and had a great time with each other. We even got to talk about some really tough subjects; breaking down what went wrong with our relationship in a civilized manner, coming to the understanding that despite being great friends, we weren’t meant for each other, and that we would never get back together. We also did a lot of apologizing.

In defense of my green light, at no point did you say that you were an insecure, jealous ass. I said to go out with her, not fight with her on the phone.

Look, I knew I’d be a pissy little bitch when I found out she had moved on,

More information that was withheld last week

but for some reason, the age and attractiveness disparity is a real thorn in my side. Why do you think that is? And aside from cutting her out completely, which I’ve already done, how do I move past the situation in general? So far the plan is work, work out and party like an honorary member of Mötley Crüe.
Thanks Again,
CrazyTown! Part Deux

You’re on the right path. The important part is ZERO CONTACT.

**********

Dear Wise One,
Fantasy first: Just got offered a trade giving up T. Richardson and receiving Megatron in a PPR league. I am desperately weak at WR (Lloyd, Garcon, Burleson, and Joshua Morgan) and have some depth at RB (Rice, Ridley, and Demarco Murray) but Richardson has been putting up huge numbers so I’m reluctant. Should I just pull the trigger?

A handy rule of thumb for winning at fantasy football is GET CALVIN JOHNSON. You’re giving up your second (maybe third) best running back to get the best wide receiver on the planet. Make the trade already.

Sex second: I am in a great long-distance relationship with the girl I want to marry. I am planning on leaving my job at the end of the school year (I’m a first year boarding school teacher) to be with her as she goes through her next few years of medical school. I am looking for a master’s program or another teaching gig, but obviously there are no guarantees. My question is am I crazy to leave a job in this economy to be with my girlfriend? She questions whether she could go through more than one year of a long distance relationship, no matter how smooth things are going.
Sincerely,
Big Decisions

You are not crazy. But be sure to lock that shit down ASAP because the one of the smartest things you can do in life is marry a doctor. Good money, free health care for life, and access to all the best painkillers.

**********

Dear Great Gashby,
Not really sex advice first. I am hoping to take a month this summer to go backpacking in Europe. My girlfriend of 4 years isn’t too thrilled with the idea, because she doesn’t want me to go alone.

“Peace the fuck out, baby.”

The obvious fix is to take her along but there are several reasons that won’t do: 1. She doesn’t want to go for a month 2. She is a high maintenance traveler (I plan on flying by the seat of my pants and staying in hostels, so that won’t mix well) 3. She can’t afford it and I can’t pay for two. Backpacking in Europe is a dream I have had for quite some time and at 26, I know that my window to do so is closing, with the next few years potentially seeing kids, a better job, a house etc in the picture. I have talked with her about my plans, but the girlfriend seems to think I’m not serious. I know if I don’t take this trip I will be bitter and angry later in life, for not getting out and seeing a bit of the world when I had the chance. This isn’t something I am that willing to negotiate on. I plan on going come hell or high water. Advice on a diplomatic way for me to procede? FWIW, I’m not going with the intention of bedding every fraulein or senorita I come across, or any for that matter. I just want to see some of the world because I think it would be a shame to not explore the planet during my time on it.

First of all, I’d like to know WHY she doesn’t want you to go backpacking for a month. It’s one thing if she doesn’t want you to go because a month is a long time and she’ll miss you. That seems normal enough. But if she’s afraid you’ll cheat on her, then your relationship is already broken (and irrevocably so, from what I’ve experienced). Fear of infidelity is distrust. This should go without saying, but don’t date someone who doesn’t trust you.

Then there’s the issue of communication. You’ve been with her four years, but she doesn’t take one of your lifelong dreams seriously? Either you suck at talking, or she sucks at listening.

I also find it suspect that you want to spend a month away from your girlfriend. When you’re in love with someone, your lifelong dreams change to include your partner (which may explain why I’ve never been to Carnaval in Rio. I understand the need for space, and I support individuals maintaining their personal identity in a relationship, but “Going to Europe, see you in a month” is something that’s never been okay in any relationship I’ve been in. Relationships are about compromise, so I find it odd that you can’t, say, shorten your trip by a week to make it more palatable to her.

Anyway, your entire email was about how much you want to go on the trip, and precisely zero percent of it was about loving or missing your girlfriend. Might as well break up with her so you don’t have to say nein to the frauleins.

As for fantasy: Pick 2- McCoy vs Det, McGahee vs SD or Ridley vs Sea. Also, am I crazy for wanting to trade Rodgers to bolster my RB and WR (Luck is my backup)?
Thanks,
Amish Bernie Madoff

McCoy and McGahee. I want to say Ridley over McGahee, but the Seahawks have been ruining good fantasy players.

You are not crazy to want to bolster your lineup, but I’d shop Luck instead of Rodgers.

**********

Hulloo bloggers! How goes your fantasy season?

Okay. 5-0 in my keeper league, 4-1 in my Marines league, and 3-2 in my SB Nation studio league (this team sucks and I hate myself for drafting Stafford). The real bummer is the KSK blogger league, where I’m 2-3 even though I have a great roster. Thank you for asking.

Here’s what I have to put up with in mine: This is my first year as commissioner. I just found out one of the guys in our league had an incident involving the cops yesterday. No word on what he will be charged with, but it doesn’t seem serious — misdemeanors if anything. I do know he will be in jail for at least two more days. Of course the first thing sensitive ol’ me thought was “Goddamn it you big dummy! Now how are you going to pay me your league dues?” I know what you’re thinking: I’m a bad commissioner to let guys join without paying.

Actually, I was thinking your email would be more interesting if it had some details about why the guy got arrested.

And maybe you’re right. Which I why I’ve been shaming him since Week 1 and put out the warning that all trades with him will be vetoed without remorse. The thinking being to get the other owners on his ass, too. So far it hasn’t worked, but I know the guy and trusted he was good for it eventually. Until this. This leaves me with a few questions, actually.

In the immediate: he has both the TE and kicker slot on byes this week with no one to fill in from the bench. What are your thoughts on picking waivers for an absentee owner? Does his win/loss record matter in this situation?

Leave his team alone. It’s management is up to him, and the players are his for as long as he’s in the league.

Long term: I’ve been putting some feelers out to some friends to take over his team for the rest of the season, but how long do I wait to give someone’s team away? If I do transfer ownership, do I even bother asking for money (maybe half of what everyone else has already paid)?

The sooner the better. Tell him he has to pay by X date and offer to let him pay in installments. But he’s an adult, and needs to deal with reality: if you can’t pay for something, you don’t get to have it.

Relationship: My wife has caught me looking at porn. Not in the act, but through search history and such. This was a couple years ago and she got very upset at the time. I guess it was jealousy or something. I tried to explain to her that it was only for when she wasn’t around (she works really late sometimes), but that wasn’t good enough. A lot has changed in our lives since then (bought a house, started raising kids, new jobs), but I still watch porn just as much as before (1-2 hrs a week I would say). The only difference is that she doesn’t share my computer anymore and I try to hide it better. Our sex life is great and we even watch some videos together now and then (always her idea). I’d like to be more honest with her, but is it worth it to even tell her I still watch porn?

How do I bring it up?
Thanks for any help you can give me,
The Goddamn Batman

Do not bring it up.

**********

Captain,
Fantasy: Ten person league. Six make the playoffs. Half-point per reception. I’ve scored the most points this season, but am 3-2. At RB I have Forte (CHI) , Bradshaw (NYG), Brown (NYG), Brown (IND) and Redman (PIT). A guy in the league has offered me Rice (BAL) for Graham (NO). I have Green (CIN), White (ATL) and Austin (DAL) at WR. Should I hope Forte fully recovers and go with what I have, or pull the trigger on a deal I think will be a panic move? Also, any problem with picking up K and DEF weekly according to match-ups?

I like getting Ray Rice for Jimmy Graham, but if you’re scoring more points than everyone else in the league, I wouldn’t be in a rush to shake things up. Points are a better indicator of your team’s performance than head-to-head record. Unless chance fucks you over, your W-L should normalize.

Sex: I have an amazing girlfriend that I’ve been dating for almost two years and recently moved in with. Saturday, while at a craft beer festival, she told me that Allagash White is one of her favorite beers. Do I dump her?
Thanks,
I hope I’m not dating a distant PK relative.

Says Ape: “Allagash isn’t a bad beer by any means. It’s just that Peter King won’t shut up about it and thinks that it’s amazing that stores carry it like it’s obscure or something.”

I’d like to add that you should try to avoid beer snobbery. Being a snob about anything — beer, wine, whiskey, chili, decor, whatever — rarely accomplishes anything of worth (and I say this as someone who’s been guilty of it numerous times). Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that we should all put on jorts and drink Bud Light Lime while laughing our asses off at Kevin James movies. Taste is valuable: it improves our appreciation of things worth appreciating. But getting high and mighty about what kind of food or drink is acceptable doesn’t make you seem cool and worldly — it makes you a pain in the ass. I will always, always, always choose to spend time with someone I can enjoy a Budweiser with over someone who tells me why I shouldn’t.