Jon: HEY EVERYONE THIS IS GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST PRESSING ISSUES OF THE DAY. AS YOU KNOW A HURRICANE IS GOING TO HIT THE EAST COAST PRETTY DAMN HARD. HURRICANE SANDY. I CALL HURRICANE SANDY RICKY WATTERS BECAUSE IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. ANYWAY MY GUEST THIS WEEK IS GAVIN SCHMIDT, CLIMATOLOGIST AT THE NASA GODDARD INSTITUTE FOR SPACE STUDIES. GAVIN, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Gavin:  I am doing well, Jon.

Jon: NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER.  DAVE MATTHEWS BAND, THEY USED TO SAY THAT.  RONDE BARBER TURNED ME ONTO THEM. THIS DMB.  I’D FOLLOW THEM ON TOUR IN FEBRUARY BACK WHEN I WAS COACHING AND TELL EVERYONE THAT I WAS SCOUTING.

Gavin: Pardon?

Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA MULTITASK.  DMB WOULD PLAY A SHOW IN AUSTIN AND I’D TELL UT THAT THEY GOTTA THROW A PRO DAY FOR ME. THAT’S WHY WE DRAFTED CHRIS SIMMS.

Gavin: I’m sorry, are we supposed to discuss Hurricane Sandy?

Jon: HURRICANE SANDY.  WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT AN EXTRATROPICAL CYCLONE, THIS IS WHAT YOU TALK ABOUT.  LOW BAROMETRIC PRESSURE.  HIGH LATITUDE.  DON’T BRING THAT TROPIC OF CANCER WEAK SAUCE WHEN SANDY IS IN TOWN.

Gavin: Yes, it is odd that you would have such a strong cyclone this far north which is why many people believe that global climate change could lead to more storms like this in the future.

Jon: GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE. LEMME TELL YA, NOTHING BETTER TO RAISE SEA LEVELS THAN THAT. I USED TO WORK AT HOOTERS IN TAMPA AND IT MIGHT GET FLOODED BECAUSE OF THAT. HOOTERS HAS GREAT WINGS, BUT IT’S NO MATCH FOR THE GULF OF MEXICO.

Gavin: An interesting point, because the Gulf of Mexico will essentially become a hot plate for tropical storms if global climate change continues.

Jon: I USED TO CALL WARREN SAPP HOT PLATE.  TOUGH GUY.  YOU WOULDN’T KNOW WHEN HE WOULD GO OFF BUT YOU KNEW HE WOULD. ONE TIME HE ATE A THERMOMETER ON A DARE AND SHAT MERCURY FOR A WEEK.  TEAM DOCTOR SAID HE WAS A FREAK OF NATURE.  ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE COULD STOP THE RUN.

Gavin: I’m sorry, Warren Sapp?

Jon: GREAT AGAINST THE RUN, LIKE I SAID.  COULD REALLY COUNT ON HIM TO FORCE THE OTHER TEAM TO PASS.  WE’D PLAY BRETT FAVRE AND I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON AT LEAST TWO PICKS. THIS BRETT, I”D CALL HIM LIZA MINELLI.  ALWAYS HOPPED UP ON PAINKILLERS BUT STILL ABLE TO OVERCOME ADVERSITY.

Gavin: I”ve lost track of this conversation.

Jon: HEY BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS STORM.

Herm: WHEN OCEAN TEMPERATURES RISE, YOU HAVE MORE TROPICAL STORMS  THAT’S JUST SCIENCE.

Jon: THANKS HERM EDWARDS. NOW PLAY US INTO COMMERCIAL.

Herm: ALRIGHT HERM EDWARDS 7, TIME TO PLAY SOME NOTES!