Yesterday, I fell victim to that worst consequence of prolonged human interaction: being forced to miss most of an NFL Sunday because someone you know scheduled a wedding on a Sunday during football season. It was awful. Truly, truly awful. I was forced to go because the groom is the only son of a family that my family has kept loose contact with over the course of 25 years. We aren't particularly close. The groom clearly didn't give a sh*t that I was there. And I was trying to steal away every 10 minutes during the reception to check scores on my phone. Nevertheless, my parents felt obligated to make a showing.
Now, I hadn't seen most of the people in attendance since I was a kid. This meant a lot of "the last time I saw you, you were this big." Not an awkward interaction at all for a 30-year-old. Worse still: THERE WAS NO ALCOHOL SERVED! Who has a wedding without booze? Doomed couples, that's who! What? You want me to wish you well on your future together and you don't have the common courtesy to get me hammered? F*ck that.
Anyway, enough of my bitching. I'm gonna have to sift through Peter King's carping about coffee shortly and I would like not to feel like too much of a hypocrite when I lambaste him for it. Also, I didn't just get diagnosed with leukemia like Chuck Pagano, so I think I'm doing all right, all things considered.
It's kind of nice to see Matt Ryan puff up his chest and yell "get the fuck off our field" to the Panthers after sealing the win yesterday. Not that I particularly like Matt Ryan. But he came into the league with this douchey Matty Ice nickname, yet he's pretty boring and nondescript most of the time. Now that he's looking good this year, maybe he'll step up his douche game to make for better future schadenfreude.
In other news, Haruki Nakamura was awfully leasty yesterday. On balance, Nakamura did have a red zone interception in the first quarter. But then he got burned on a deep touchdown to Roddy White on the Falcons first score. And he somehow let Roddy take what should have been an interception away from him on what turned out to be the winning drive by Atlanta.
With all his troll genius, the only times I really get annoyed with Tom Brady is when he pulls his unconvincing "I'M A BAD ASS, YOU GUYS" shtick on the field. Brady tries really hard to look tough and no one believes him. The cameras caught him saying "fuck you, bitches" on the sideline after tying the game in Buffalo. Even Welker next to him is all "ha ha, it's fierce Tawmmy! Better get the dog collar."
Ryan Fitzpatrick also took a summer course at Harvard in taking other people's celebrations. Paying off!
Alfred Morris' mom was in attendance to watch her son play on the road in Tampa. FOX felt the need to keep showing her, even after they caught her digging in her ear with her keys. I'm less disgusted by the hygiene issues of sticking your keys in your ear than the risk of - I don't know - keying the shit out of your ear canal. It's a miracle that Morris isn't deaf, unless he is, in which case REMARKABLE STORY OF OVERCOMING ODDS.
Brandon Meriweather has a well-earned reputation as a headhunter. Heretofore, that didn't include taking out a teammates and himself in pregame drills, but you have to broaden your game to get ahead.
When I first saw that RGIII did some Griffining with a fan, I was momentarily irritated. But I thought about it more, and he seemed to only be doing it to please a fan after the game. Sure, I hate some Griffining, but it doesn't look like this was done to curry attention so much as to be nice. Tebow would have done his shit on the 50-yard line for minutes after the final whistle.
if it's any consolation, RGIII did also get body slammed by Mark Barron
As I said once the real refs deal was completed in the league, there was going to be a really bad call made by one of the regular refs before the end of Week 4 and it would cause a bunch of people to get excited and wonder trollingly why we ever cried about the scab refs. And, wouldn't you know, the horrible call was made by Jeff Triplette, who might as well be a fucking scab he had sucked so much for so long. Triplette whistled a clear fumble by Darren Sproles dead and the play couldn't be reviewed because the Packers were out of challenges and the play didn't occur within the final two minutes. It's a indefensibly bad call, though I think it reveals more about the shortcomings of the challenge rules than the problems with the actual refs themselves. Coupled with the bad pass interference on Nnamdi Asomugha that almost set up a winning field goal for the Giants on Sunday night, there were plenty of things to take issue with. Despite critical overreactions (Mike Silver's piece on Saints-Packers is histrionically topped with "Reign of error by refs...") I think you'd have a hard time making the argument that the real refs aren't doing a remarkably better job than the scabs. Anyway, the point is moot because it's not like the scabs are coming back. Let's dwell on more pressing matters, like Clay Mathews looking pissed.
Okay, fine, everyone knew the real refs were gonna fuck something up, but fans still wanted to see Hochuli flex his guns again. CBS also gave Hochuli's crew an NFL player-style introduction, which was pretty cool.
Once memes reach a certain level of ubiquity, as we saw recently with "Call Me Maybe", there's a new example of its integration in NFL culture every other day. Gangnam Style is pretty much there now. Last week, there was a video of the Bucs mascot and cheerleaders doing the dance. There will likely be a dozen more takes on it by The NOC and other folks in the business of trying hard to make viral videos. Can't say my SEO whoring game is strong enough that I will post any of those, but I can appreciate Gangnam Style in a sack dance, so there it is.
The Raiders defense is pretty god awful. To make things sporting, Demaryius Thomas is gonna lay that ball on the ground after trying to switch it between his hands. Can't believe Oakland still didn't knock the fumble into their own end zone for it to be recovered by Denver.
When you get blanked 34-0, there aren't going to be a lot of flattering highlights from your game. And having a fumble that you flung to the ground because you got hurt get returned for a touchdown isn't particularly flattering. On the bright side, Santonio won't have to play for either of the quarterbacks that he openly detests for a while.
Of course NBC bleeps Rex Ryan saying his team played like ass. What is this, the '80s? No one bleeps ass anymore. You can probably drop it on the Disney Channel these days. Shockingly enough, The Dunge didn't lead the studio in prayer after there was a suggested vulgarity on the air.
Clear evidence that Ed Hochuli shouldn't have been wasted on Bengals-Jaguars. People wanted to see him. The NFL should have had Eddy Hochs working a primetime game. Mostly because, unlike Ron Winter here, he would have taken DeSean's head off with that flex.
Players occasionally do goofy shit during their player intros on Sunday Night Football. Nate Burleson name-checked his elementary school. Terrell Suggs reps Ball So Hard University. Danny Watkins has worked as a volunteer firefighter, so he calls out his fire station, earning him sure-fire pats on the back from every white sportswriter ever. There's also a strong possibility that Watkins can't go five minutes in conversation without mentioning being a firefighter. I mean, YAY HEROISM AND SUCH!
As for the Wolverine poster Marvel made for Dawkins that we alluded to earlier, here it is, courtesy Comic Book Resources. Aw man, I would totally put that on my bedroom wall if I were a 12-year-old dirtbag Eagles fan.
Everyone knows and is frequently reminded that Eli Manning is the clutchest little kid in the cul de sac. It's more than pinpoint throws late in games, it's also ungainly looking spin moves after a botched snap. Sadly, Lawrence Tynes was obviously so disoriented with Eli's dizzying speed that he had to miss both shots at a game-winning 54-yard field goal.
Yes, that field goal. This season, we've already seen Joe Philbin ice a game-deciding field goal only to give the opposition another shot that would ultimately be successful. Andy was so close to joining him, but Ramses Barden had to go and push the Giants back with an offensive pass interference foul that pushed New York out of his range. So much for the Ramses Barden gravy train after that one good game against Carolina. So much for celebrating my knee-jerk decision to immediately grab him off the waiver wire in two leagues.
In case you forced yourself to forget, NBC piped in corny salsa music over the game audio when Victor Cruz scored a touchdown during a Sunday Night Football game against the Cowboys last year. Even though this was at the point when not everyone was yet sick of the Cruz salsaing thing, it was still jarring. Not saying NBC can't have a little innocent. God knows they have Bob Costas on staff to quash fun at every turn. Still, this is stupid. Please stop it at once.
Finally, very kind of FOX to run this ad promoting their college football coverage mostly on the strength of the network having Gus Johnson announcing games. Not that it isn't a canny strategy to get people interested, but it is also a not-so-nice fuck you to NFL fans who no longer have the privilege of Gus screaming over the dramatic moments of their games. The ad even uses the Cop Speed line. That's Gus' call for Chris Johnson. That's not a college thing!
Goddammit, I miss Gus.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.