Perhaps the most distressing thing about Week 3 is that Rob Ryan showed up to work with a haircut. That’s not the Wolfman we know and keep our distance from. Chances are the ol’ Double J told him to clean himself up because he was scaring away Jerry’s finest poon. It’s also possible the haircut was a function of Rob Ryan getting by on the barter system. “Say, I got seven sacks of corn meal in the back of this van. What can I get for ‘em? Haircut? Hell, I don’t need that. But I am sick of lugging this corn meal around. You got yourself a deal.”

It should be noted that this game is potentially hazardous to all in attendance and even those watching at home. Not sure who thought it was safe to pit the combined derping powers of Tony Romo and Jay Cutler directly against one another, but this is the sort of experiment that should only be conducted in the most secure of containment labs. This game should only be played in the CDC. New strains of derp could be created from this cross-pollination. The potency of the resulting compound could be such that no existing force could handle its ability to undo the work of others. Countries would topple. Infrastructure would crumble. It would be the basis of one of those apocalyptic NBC primetime shows.

Even if we get lucky and survive the derp-off, J’Marcus Webb is going to be tasked with blocked DeMarcus Ware, a mismatch so ugly that few will feel comfortable watching football again with a clear conscience. Also, viewers will surely be bothered when Gruden remarks that their names like alike.