Yahoo! (proper attribution behooves exclamation point, guys) has rolled out a new feature this season for its fantasy football leagues: computer-generated recaps of each fantasy contest. Why? Because I need to feel like my Week 1 loss was of such resounding consequence that a trained journalist robot was dispatched to cover it. DATELINE: FANTASYVILLE. Fantasy football is still real to me, dammit.

Anyway, since it’s automated, the language in the recaps is comically stilted. One guy I’m in a league with has already started running the text through a disembodied computer voice to complete the effect. It’s as though Stephen Hawking were on an NFL studio show.

Now that my appetite for robot scrutiny has been whetted, I need it in all facets of my life. JUDGE ME, FANTASYBOT, AND FIND ME WANTING. DISSECT ME WITH YOUR SCORN.

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Christmas Ape finished the year in the 18th percentile of income earners. Even though this met expectations for this person, Christmas Ape was again beaten down by life and resigned himself to a modest lifestyle. He wrote a lot of blog posts this week, which got clicks. But other web sites received many more clicks meaning Christmas Ape lost this week. He begins the season 0-1 and is currently in 3,546,123,948th place in world rankings.

Christmas Ape’s Smooth Moves

The jalapeno burger he ordered at the bar this week proved tastier than the swiss mushroom burger.
He went running three times this week and did not fall even once.
The cashier at the grocery store accidentally gave him a ten instead of a five, increasing his expected earning for the week by $5.00
He averaged 7.24 hours of sleep per night, including Thursday, when he laid awake contemplating how alone Christmas Ape is in the universe.

Christmas Ape’s Regret Tracker

Did not make the right friends. Could have better business connections.
If Christmas Ape had nutted up and asked out Kristen after the eighth grade dance, he would have been happier and more confident and probably would have a better life today.
Journalism degree was a poor choice.
Drafted Wes Welker too high and is now fucked.

What if

Christmas Ape bitches a lot but his standard of living is still better than five billion other people in the world.
With more support and nurturing at home, Christmas Ape could have been a famous director or someone important. It’s not his fault.
Christmas Ape crossed the street at 3:26 p.m. on Tuesday. Had he done it two minutes earlier, he would be dead. RIP Christmas Ape
Being good at sports would have let Christmas Ape be a sports person and not a sports dick joke writer.

Game notes

Christmas Ape plays fantasy football because it gives him a false sense of control even though he sucks at it.
David Akers led his fantasy team in scoring. LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ
Christmas Ape is humaniod, will soon be replaced by sentient Yahoo! replicant.
Replicant Christmas Ape would have beaten eight teams in the league this week.