World’s most jacked lawyer and NFL referee Ed Hochuli told the LA Times’ Sam Farmer that when the deal between the league and the refs union came down, he dropped to the floor and started cranking out pushups. “I’M SO EXCITED! ALL I KNOW TO DO IS PUSHUPS!” It’s good when people react to things by reinforcing our superficial impressions of them. It allows us to spend less time considering people’s humanity and that’s for the best.


Were this a game broadcast, someone would take the time to remind us of the scab refs. “By gosh, they tried their level best with the hand they were dealt.” Sure, they gave it the ol’ honest scab try. But they still sucked. More than happy to let the activities director at an Idaho middle school get back to the business of finding a big colorful parachute for the kids to run under at the next field day. And that other one can go back to being a huge fan of the Saints on Facebook. Thanks for all your hard work, scabs. Try not to tumble down the steps on your way out.

Still, it’s important not to forget traumatic experiences. It’s imperative to have a store of barely concealed pain to draw on when serious drinking needs to be done. In that spirit, a requiem for the scabs: