Okay, people, buckle up. Steven Crowder is a contributor to Fox News who also considers himself a comedian. He also recently got married (congratulations!), then used that experience to brag about how awesome he was to wait until marriage to lose his virginity. The essay, I assume, is a deliberate ploy to infuriate or shame people who damned themselves with premarital fornicating, and it’s elicited the expected responses from the internet.
For the sake of posterity and the KSK mailbag’s overarching themes of rational thought, I’ve broken down Crowder’s article with the sensible responses of another man who’s newly married. WARNING: if you’re inclined to high blood pressure or angina, I suggest skipping to page 2 for the reader questions. Thanks.
As anyone who’s read my abstinence column here at Fox News Opinion could guess,
“…I’m not very popular at Reddit.”
my wedding is something that I’ve looked forward to for quite some time. After having tied the knot at the end of August, I can now say beyond all shadow of a doubt, that it was everything I’d hoped and prayed that it would be since childhood.
This is wonderful. People SHOULD be happy and fulfilled by their wedding.
Let me preface this column by saying this: my wife (I have to get used to saying that) and I not only waited sexually in every way (no, we didn’t pull the Bill Clinton and technically avoid “sex” sex,) but we didn’t shack up as live-ins and most importantly, we courted each other in a way that was consistent with our publicly professed values.
Good for you. I mean this. What with it being a free country, you should court and screw or not screw however and whoever you want.
We did it right.
No, you did it a certain way that you feel good about. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to be married as long as it’s based on a mutual love and shared vision for the couple’s future.
Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less. You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.
Ugh. “Judge not, lest ye be judged — BY ME, WHEN I GET MARRIED!!!”
High school girls are so wise
Listen, we’re all human, which means we tend to be assholes as often — or sometimes more often — than we are patient and kind. But bragging about judging other people? It’s just… I hope that this article isn’t something that Christians celebrate, because it’s such a shitty attitude to have. Dude, the internet says mean things to EVERYONE. Don’t let it turn you into a vengeful, prideful, boastful jackass.
We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said.
Turns out that people couldn’t have been more wrong. Looking back, I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.
“FUCK ALL Y’ALL HATERS I DIDN’T NAIL MY HOT WIFE BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED BECAUSE WE LOVE GOD FUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU”
I think it’s important to write this column not to gloat (though I’ll be glad to),
“I’m not gloating, but everyone who disagreed with me is either a whore or pathetic.”
but to speak up for all of the young couples that have also done things the right way. When people do marriage right, they don’t complain so much, and so their voices are silenced by the rabble of promiscuous charlatans, peddling their pathetic world view as “progressive.”
Things like “democracy” and “freedom of speech” and “freedom of religion” are “progressive,” too. Sorry, are we just putting things in quotes to be sarcastic? I sometimes miss hilarious jokes because I’m a charlatan who slept with other people before getting married — the “wrong” way, I’ve come to learn.
Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing.
That’s great! The night I lost my virginity was amazing, too. Then I had sex a lot more times, and realized I was really bad at it the first time. By the time I was your age, I was a platoon commander in Iraq and really happy that I wasn’t a virgin because my best friend from tank school got shot in the head and I realized that our lives are brutally short, and it would suck to die without experiencing the greatest earthly pleasure I’ve ever known just because I hadn’t found the love of my life while living in the empty stretch of Mojave Desert where I was assigned.
Hope that’s okay with you, Steve.
I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth.
You married Ann-Marget in 1963? Not bad, but be sure to kill Hitler on your next trip back in time.
I know everybody says that their bride was the “most beautiful in the world.”
I never said that, because I’m not a dumb lying asshole. My wife is my best friend, and I’ll love her until the day I die, and she was absolutely radiant in her gown. But I wasn’t like, “You are the most beautiful bride to ever live,” because, dude: I’ve seen the video for “November Rain.” (This is a good thing, by the way. Stephanie Seymour’s kids are AWFUL.)
They’re wrong. I win.
Your bride is okay. She’s blandly attractive in the same way that a lot of bottle blondes are. Judging by looks alone, you did well for yourself considering your complete lack of experience in the bedroom, but I could browse wedding blogs for an afternoon and find hundreds — literally HUNDREDS of women — who I find more attractive than your bride.
And this isn’t to piss on your wedding or your happiness. You’re newly married: everyone WANTS to say “Congratulations!” because it’s a naturally joyous human event. But you have to turn your post-virginity happiness into a smug competition — “Scoreboard, bitches! My balls are straight-up OUT of semen after all this awesome sex I’m finally trying!” — that everyone is supposedly losing because you did it according to your values, which are “right.” (Am I using the sarcastic quotes correctly?) It’s pathetic.
I’d like to tell you a story of our morning after, however. One that transpired into one of the most glaring epiphanies I’d ever had.
As my wife (again, still not used to that) and I ate breakfast at a local inn, we discussed how excited we were to start the rest of our lives together, how scary it was that everything was now so different. At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence!
“The thing is, nothing’s really changed,” the bride said.
Puzzled, my wife asked, “Did you get married last night too? So did we!”
“Congratulations!” the other dame said. “Yeah we did, just last night.”
“Where’s the groom?” my wife innocently… scratch that, naively asked.
Oh, I get it. She’s not innocent because you HIT THAT SHIT UNDER THE EYES OF GOD HELLZ YEAH BRO!
“Oh, he’s sleeping. There was no way he was coming out with me this morning!” She paused and smirked. “Let’s just say that he’s got a lingering headache from a really good time last night.”
My heart sank. Firstly, that poor schmuck’s “good time” was simply getting snookered.
who says snookered are you 80
Not enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends with a clear head and clean conscience, not staring in awe at his beautiful new wife, wanting to soak in every glimmer of her eyes as she shot him heart-racing looks from across the dance floor, not taking all of the cheesy pictures as they cut the cake, not even carrying her across that suite threshold as they nervously anticipated their “nightcap.” He probably won’t remember any of it. Instead, he got smashed. He was “that guy”… at his own freaking wedding.
Oh COME ON. This is the nanciest, most ignorant interpretation of drunkenness I’ve seen or heard since I was 16. You can still enjoy your beautiful wife and dance and take pictures and have a great time — and remember everything — while also getting drunk. That’s what makes getting drunk so much fun.
Listen, Steve. Have your own wonderful, sober life with your wife without the knowledge of a variety of vagina shapes or fellatio techniques. That’s your right. But JEEZ, man. Let other people do their own thing.
Then I realized something. Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together. Our family traveled from far and wide to celebrate the decision of two young people to truly commit themselves to each other, and selflessly give themselves to one another in a way that they never had before that very night.
The people next to us that morning? Well, theirs was just one big party.
One big, awesome, way-better party than your judgmental celebration about how much better you are than other people.
And the morning after? Just another hangover.
Our “weddings” were the same event in name only. They know it, and we know it.
I bet they feel okay with theirs, actually.
Do yours the right way. If you’re young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot/mimbo and do it the world’s way. If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is. Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.
Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.
“I can judge you because I’m a GOOD Christian and you did something different than I did!”
Like I said above, this is a master class in trolling — a flaming arrow sent to the fringes of society with the intent of burning the middle ground of reasonable people. The only thing Crowder got right about weddings is this: “Do yours the right way.” Do it the way that feels comfortable for you, at the time that feels right, when you’re mature enough to handle the commitment of being with one person for the rest of your life. There are lots of good ways to get married, but the only “right” way is the one that feels good to you.
What a fucking asshole.
On to your questions!
Fantasy First: Week 3 Brandon Lloyd @ Baltimore, Miles Austin hosting TB, Malcom Floyd Hosting ATL, Stephen Hill at Miami. Pick 2. Im leaning Lloyd and Floyd.
Is there something about Miles Austin scoring a touchdown each of the first two weeks that you don’t like? Start him and Floyd.
Onto sexytime which will be quick and painless. Birth Control and libido. Longtime ladyfriend recently switched BC to a cheaper option and now her sex drive is nonexistent. And I know this but I don’t know how to broach the whole, “Change birth control so i can knock dem boots” conversation without being a dickbag. The sex is very few and far between since she started the new stuff. Its disheartening.
With Many Thanks
Sexless in Shreveport (GEAUX TIGERS)
You can’t tell her that the birth control is affecting her sex drive. You have to design the conversation so that SHE’S the one who figures out that her new medication is lowering her sex drive. It’s the same premise as Inception, just fewer special effects.
So yeah, you sit her down and tell her that you’re worried about the lack of sex recently. You need to be borderline distraught. Assume that it’s your fault. “Is it something I’ve done? Do you find me less attractive?” And she’ll be all, “No no, I just haven’t been in the mood.” And then you say, “Well, what’s changed? Is there some other factor we’re not considering?” That should force her to connect the dots.
From there, you can’t just be like, “Well switch back already!” You have to navigate it as a couple. Offer to pay for the difference in the medications, or a 50/50 split (you do, after all, both benefit from the birth control). It will be worth every penny.
Dear Youtube Sensation,
Fantasy: I wrote in last year (here) about possibly gaining interest in fantasy by playing for money. Well, I plunked down $100 to join a league with some co-workers, and it is now all-consuming. I never thought I could hate a stranger as much as I hate Larry Fitzgerald right now, which brings me to my question: My WR’s are AJ Green, Holmes, Fitzgerald, Denarius Moore, and a newly acquired Brandon LaFell. Start two plus a flex that I plan on filling with Ben Tate unless you suggest otherwise. Also, Leshoure: Hold off on starting him for the moment? I’ve got Richardson and McCoy, and a might-as-well-be-a-merman Fred Jackson.
Yeah, Fitty owners from last year know that he struggled to produce while Kolb was QB. Larry Fitzgerald running routes every play is the NFL’s Sisyphus.
As I say in this week’s episode of Keepers, I’ve been big on LaFell since the preseason, and he’s looked really good so far this year. I think he and AJ Green against the hobbled Redskins are the best plays at wideout. Stick with Tate/Richardson/McCoy at RB & flex.
Sex: I also wrote last year about pushing aside a fling in order to make room for a girl coming to visit me from out of town. The visitor, “Donna”, stayed with me for about two weeks last August before going off to school. She was in college in Tennessee, about 10 hours away, until December when she transferred to a school 1 hour away from me. Donna got an apartment there and visited me for long weekends for a few months, until eventually she dropped out, got a job here and moved in with me. Despite the way this all sounds (she’s back in school now; realignment of goals and all that), it was a fairly natural progression, and we have been living together happily for the last 8 months or so.
For 27-years-old I have what can probably be considered a low sex drive. We sleep together somewhere around 2-3 times a week which I suppose is not a lot (especially considering she is 22, not old and withered like I am), but it doesn’t bother me and it doesn’t seem to bother her either. This is not my problem.
Twenty-seven is not old and withered. And 2-3 times a week, from what I can tell, is within normal parameters for a couple who live together.
The issue is this: I find myself thinking almost non-stop about fucking strangers. A girl walking down the street immediately turns me into Pepe LePew. I live at the beach, the entire community is clothing-optional. The 7-11 is a minefield. At night I dream about past sexual partners and texting them to meet me somewhere discreet. Not a hotel room, but the bathroom of a gas station, or on the ground somewhere dark and wet. As I’m typing this I texted a simple “Happy Birthday” to a girl I once slept with, and now all I can think about is whether using “going to the grocery store” as an excuse buys me enough time to go to her house, climax, and come back.
I have a firm grasp on these temptations. I have never cheated on Donna, and in fact haven’t slept with another girl in over a year and a half, long before her and I became exclusive. What I need to know, particularly from a married man, is that this is normal, that no matter how happy I am in a relationship, that I’ll always be wondering what it’s like to see most women naked. I’m very much attracted to Donna, but I think my affection for her gets in the way of any feelings of lust. That’s supposed to happen with the woman you love, right?
Sounds pretty normal to me. I mean, maybe you went a little far with the details, but wanting to see other women naked and spread your seed to attractive strangers is biologically normal. And if it makes you feel better, yes: I mentally impregnate women on the subway with more frequency than I’d like. (My wife reads this column, by the way, so thank you very little for that question.)
If there’s a problem here, it’s that you don’t also lust for Donna. C’mon, man! You’ve got a fine-ass 22-year-old piece living in your house! Wear that out with some regularity and you won’t get a boner at every passing stranger in a skirt.
Let’s get right to it. FF question – Fetushead (v. Texans) or RGIII (V. Bengals)? PeyPey really only had one horrible quarter, but RGIII has significantly outperformed him Weeks 1 and 2. Also, the Texans are kind of decent and the Bengals suck.
Yeah, that’s an easy one: RG3. He’s actually the best fantasy player in the NFL through two weeks, soooo…. way to go, people who drafted him.
Sex – will my long distance relationship with my crazy ex’s little sister lead to me getting anal or herpes? Haha, just kidding. Do you guys have any tips for a couple that is going strong, enjoying a committed relationship and just want to add some awesomeness in the boudoir?
Restraints. Getting tied up and fucked is just as fun as tying someone up and fucking them. Everyone wins.
Just in case this question sucks, here is a crappy picture of Heather Graham to atone. Remember that chick?
Boogie Nights + The Hangover = someone not easily forgotten.
Football: In a keeper league, and I snagged RG3 in the 7th round after taking Brees 7th overall. I took RG3 purely based on his keeper potential, not for 2012. But obviously, their point production has been surprisingly similar.
With that, what should be both my A.) Week 3 approach with RG3 at home vs. Cinn. and Breesus hosting KC and B.) my approach through the year? Trying not to overreact to two games.
A) You’re in a win-win position: RG3′s home opener or Breesus at home against arguably the worst defense in the league. I’m tempted to say RG3 because of his rushing skills, but I gotta go with Brees because there are gonna be more points scored in that game.
Sex: Hate to disappoint, but am in a great relationship with my girlfriend of three years. So, how about a Seattle travel question…traveling out there this weekend from Milwaukee for the game. Any good bars/pubs that you would recommend to both me and all the page viewers that I hope I die of food poisoning stemming from undercooked fish?
EAT SHIT PACKERS FAN WOOOOOOO. The Clink and Safeco are located just south of a cool little neighborhood called Pioneer Square. Fans tend to gather in the bars there before walking to the game. Any place down there will be hopping from happy hour until kickoff.
The best drinking option if you’re in the Pacific Northwest is usually a microbrew, so stick to regional beers if your palate hasn’t been dulled by the swill they make in Wisconsin. I like Elysian Brewing in Capitol Hill, which has great new beers every season as well as excellent food (the pork chili verde and steak frites are particularly good).
Football: I’m kicking myself for not starting CJ Spiller in weeks 1 or 2 (I drafted Arian Foster and Steven Jackson ahead of him). I suppose Spiller is the play over Jackson from now on, yes? Or will he return to inconsistency and make me hate him?
Spiller’s established himself as a must-play guy. Bench Jackson.
Sex (kinda): Congratulations on your recent wedding. I am engaged myself. My fiancee wants us to write and recite our own vows at our ceremony. I’m overall not too concerned, but I have a tendency to say stupid things from time to time (what guy doesn’t?) and I don’t want to say something that I think is funny or charming, only to upset the sensibilities of an older relative or work associate. Do you have any ideas on subjects (or words) that should be off limits, besides the obvious?
Dude, it’s a vow to your wife, not a best man speech. Focus on everything that you love about her and keep it 100% positive.
If you’re stuck on something or unsure of whether it’s appropriate, bounce it off your best man or officiant.
Email from a LADY!
Dearest King of Reddit,
Fantasy: Now that Nicks is out, I have to choose between Boldin, Fitzgerald, and Crabtree at WR. Clearly, Fitty is the most talented, but he’s coughed up very little in the past 2 weeks. I’m leaning towards Crabtree, but who would you choose?
Crabtree had 76 yards and 67 yards with no scores in first two games, and I could see him continuing that throughout the year: a reliable possession receiver with little threat of catching a deep ball (hello, Alex Smith!) who also isn’t a red zone option (how do you, Vernon Davis). Play Crabtree, and you’re going to get those six or seven points, but rarely more.
And that’s why I’d play Larry Fitzgerald. Yes, even though he disappeared last week; even though Kolb’s trouble finding him dates back to last season. Fitty’s still a premiere receiver who can break free and go off for a huge game, and I’d rather gamble on his ceiling than settle for Crabtree’s mediocre numbers.
Sex: Been dating a guy for a bit (you can call him Jack, if you need a name), and he REALLY likes anal. Before him, I had never had anal sex with someone. I’ve done it with Jack once, and it was incredibly painful. According to him, the more I do it, the more “comfortable” it will be, but I’m not exactly itching for my asshole to become used to a dick being shoved in it. It’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to avoid doing it again. Fairly certain I’m developing lockjaw from all the blowjobs I’ve been giving in order to divert his attention away from my bottom.
It shouldn’t be “increasingly difficult” to avoid anal. You don’t want to have it, so tell him it’s not going to happen. Take that option off the table. If that’s a dealbreaker for him, that means he likes anal sex more than he likes you. You can live without that kind of person.
And the thing is, the guy I dated BEFORE this guy kept trying to put a finger in my asshole. While I’m aware that anal has been a popular option for ages, I feel like its popularity has increased lately. What’s your opinion on anal play? And do you think I should just give up and start letting my exit door be an entrance?
In my opinion, anal sex is wildly overrated, but that’s all it is: my opinion. Everyone’s entitled to their own tastes, and while I don’t feel like looking up statistics on trends, I’d agree that more people are having and, I assume, enjoying anal sex. This girl certainly does:
Here’s the thing: I don’t like the way you’re being pressured to have anal sex. You should have it because you want to have it. You should have it because you’re curious about trying it, or even because you want to please him.
I’m sure a handful of commenters will tell us about lube and starting with just fingers like we’re only now hearing about this new thing called anal, but here’s the long and short of it: some people don’t want things put inside their butts. It’s okay to feel this way, and the people who want to stick things in other people’s butts should respect that.
Captain REDDIT CRUSHER;
Gonna try to get this one in under the wire. Fantasy first. 16 team league, made up of plenty of second-stringers and long-shots. My options at RB are currently S. Greene, C. Benson, Ryan Williams and I just added Andre Brown (Fred Jackson went down and with the way things are going may not even get the starting job back, so that’s AWESOME).
I’m not giving R. Williams the shot because so far he’s done nothing but prove he’s not going to blow up this year like I was hoping he would (he might as well be running with Beanie Wells on his frigging back). Pick 2 options out of Greene/Benson/Brown? I made the mistake of benching Benson last week and I’m tempted to use him, but then I think Greene could do well against Miami and if Brown is gonna shine, it’s gonna be this week with Bradshaw sitting out (let’s assume that happens). What say you? Or cripes, do I have no choice but to swing a trade?
I’d monitor Brown’s situation — with Hakeem Nicks and (assuming) Bradshaw out, lesser Giants like Martellus Bennett and Andre Brown suddenly become very attractive fantasy options. I’m a little concerned that Brown will either split carries with David Wilson or get a limited workload if the Giants end up in another shootout — Carolina’s got a potent offense, after all — but I think he’s a good play.
Benson could be in for a bad week. Even if he gets the touches, he’s not the most dynamic runner, and the Seahawks defense is fast and swarms to the ball. I’d probably lean towards Greene here because of the matchup.
Not sex exactly, but here we go: Been with the GF a year. I love her to death and she loves me back — all is well there. We’re doing the long-distance thing (5 hours by car, oof) and we’ve been doing it the entire time.
I hate your question so much right now.
I know I know, I can’t look you in the eye right now. In any case, this isn’t my first rodeo when it comes to long-ish term relationships and I think I have a pretty good grasp on how to handle LD. That’s not the issue, exactly.
The issue is I’m pretty close to landing a job in her city — a good job. High stress, but one of those gigs where you kill yourself for a few years just to be able to put it on your CV. I don’t want to have the conversation about living together if/when I’m in the middle of packing up my life to move somewhere new, so I figure it’s best to have a plan now, even if it’s only theoretical. Pros of living together: Besides the obvious point that I want to be around her, I wouldn’t need to buy new furniture, better rent for both of us, I have someone to show me around the city, someone to be with when we’re both stressed from work.
She will show you the city whether or not you live with her, and being with the person you love is not necessarily the best thing when you’re both stressed from work. But please, continue.
Cons are: She has purposely never lived with a roommate (ie likes her space), I WILL be stressed from work, and I could fall into the trap where I don’t form my own circle of friends.
She’s a level-headed girl and easy going, so that’s a plus, but part of me thinks being on my own wouldn’t be the worst thing. What say you?
-Premier tight end Kellen Winslow
I’ve handled similar questions to this before, so I’ll make this quick: get your own space. The jump from long-distance to living together is bigger than you can possibly imagine. Being a mere 15 or 20 minutes apart will be enough of a joyous relief after that five-hour drive. If all goes well, you can move in next year.
FF: I made a bit of an error, in our keeper league. Pertinent rules are you’re allowed to keep two players and you forfeit the pick above where they were drafted for it. Also, all keepers can be kept for a maximum of two years. Unfortunately when entering data into Yahoo! I messed up for one player. Instead of giving him Roy Helu in the 8th and AJ Green in the 7th, I gave him Helu in the 5th and AJ in the 4th. Oops. Now in my defense, I did tell everyone to check their picks before the draft to ensure no mistakes were made. That being said, I kinda fucked up the guy’s team for the year, well fucked it up more considering he had Helu as a keeper to start with.
So justice must be served in some regard. As the league was set up through KSK (flotsam in the sewer from your Island of Misfits and Broken Toys thread or whatever you called it), it was suggested we turn to you as an arbitrator? What do you reckon the just thing would be to do? For the record, the fees $40USD and the guy hasn’t paid. I haven’t pressed him until there was some sort of resolution.
Reduce his league fees to $20 and give him keepers next year for two rounds lower than they otherwise would be. He gets a discount this year and a bonus next year. (The bonus is intentionally not as generous as his accidental penalty was harsh. That’s what the $20 off is for.)
Sex/relationship: How much of a role should parental hatred of your significant other play in influencing relationship decisions? I realise that it’s my decision, it’s my life and it’s me that will be living with my girlfriend should we choose to get married and all but goddamn. The thought of endless hatred forevermore between both my parents and her is kind of depressing.
Yeah, that’s depressing all right.
Suffice to say as far as I can see any chance of them getting along is irrevocably broken and I’m going to have to divvy time between parents and relationship whenever they’re in town. Also we’ve been together three years and haven’t done the ‘holidays together’ thing. Who knows when we’ll do that as know alternative would work. So yeah any advice?
Chief White Half Oat
There’s no easy way around this: when you commit to someone, you also get their family. For the last decade, the only relationship advice I ever got from my sister and parents was “Marry an orphan.” So if the relationship between your parents and your girlfriend is beyond repair, then your parents have basically gone all-in on “her or us.” Which is stupid. The person who provides the sex always wins these battles* (see also: your best friend who now spends all his time with his girlfriend).
*notable exceptions: Jewish mothers and people with inheritances at stake.
If your parents can’t be civil to your girlfriend, how do they expect to spend time with their future grandchildren if you get married? They need to treat your girlfriend with the courtesy that’s owed to someone who loves their son. Their other option: wasting away in a crappy old-folks home that you never visit. Let ‘em chew on that one the next time they come to town.
I want more like this!
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