Okay, people, buckle up. Steven Crowder is a contributor to Fox News who also considers himself a comedian. He also recently got married (congratulations!), then used that experience to brag about how awesome he was to wait until marriage to lose his virginity. The essay, I assume, is a deliberate ploy to infuriate or shame people who damned themselves with premarital fornicating, and it’s elicited the expected responses from the internet.

For the sake of posterity and the KSK mailbag’s overarching themes of rational thought, I’ve broken down Crowder’s article with the sensible responses of another man who’s newly married. WARNING: if you’re inclined to high blood pressure or angina, I suggest skipping to page 2 for the reader questions. Thanks.

As anyone who’s read my abstinence column here at Fox News Opinion could guess,

“…I’m not very popular at Reddit.”

my wedding is something that I’ve looked forward to for quite some time. After having tied the knot at the end of August, I can now say beyond all shadow of a doubt, that it was everything I’d hoped and prayed that it would be since childhood. 

This is wonderful. People SHOULD be happy and fulfilled by their wedding.

Let me preface this column by saying this: my wife (I have to get used to saying that) and I not only waited sexually in every way (no, we didn’t pull the Bill Clinton and technically avoid “sex” sex,) but we didn’t shack up as live-ins and most importantly, we courted each other in a way that was consistent with our publicly professed values.

Good for you. I mean this. What with it being a free country, you should court and screw or not screw however and whoever you want.

We did it right.

No, you did it a certain way that you feel good about. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to be married as long as it’s based on a mutual love and shared vision for the couple’s future.

Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less. You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.

Ugh. “Judge not, lest ye be judged — BY ME, WHEN I GET MARRIED!!!”

High school girls are so wise

Listen, we’re all human, which means we tend to be assholes as often — or sometimes more often — than we are patient and kind. But bragging about judging other people? It’s just… I hope that this article isn’t something that Christians celebrate, because it’s such a shitty attitude to have. Dude, the internet says mean things to EVERYONE. Don’t let it turn you into a vengeful, prideful, boastful jackass.

We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said.

Turns out that people couldn’t have been more wrong.  Looking back, I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.

“FUCK ALL Y’ALL HATERS I DIDN’T NAIL MY HOT WIFE BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED BECAUSE WE LOVE GOD FUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU”

I think it’s important to write this column not to gloat (though I’ll be glad to),

“I’m not gloating, but everyone who disagreed with me is either a whore or pathetic.”

but to speak up for all of the young couples that have also done things the right way. When people do marriage right, they don’t complain so much, and so their voices are silenced by the rabble of promiscuous charlatans, peddling their pathetic world view as “progressive.”

Things like “democracy” and “freedom of speech” and “freedom of religion” are “progressive,” too. Sorry, are we just putting things in quotes to be sarcastic? I sometimes miss hilarious jokes because I’m a charlatan who slept with other people before getting married — the “wrong” way, I’ve come to learn.

Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing.

That’s great! The night I lost my virginity was amazing, too. Then I had sex a lot more times, and realized I was really bad at it the first time. By the time I was your age, I was a platoon commander in Iraq and really happy that I wasn’t a virgin because my best friend from tank school got shot in the head and I realized that our lives are brutally short, and it would suck to die without experiencing the greatest earthly pleasure I’ve ever known just because I hadn’t found the love of my life while living in the empty stretch of Mojave Desert where I was assigned.

Hope that’s okay with you, Steve.

I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth.

You married Ann-Marget in 1963? Not bad, but be sure to kill Hitler on your next trip back in time.

I know everybody says that their bride was the “most beautiful in the world.”  

I never said that, because I’m not a dumb lying asshole. My wife is my best friend, and I’ll love her until the day I die, and she was absolutely radiant in her gown. But I wasn’t like, “You are the most beautiful bride to ever live,” because, dude: I’ve seen the video for “November Rain.” (This is a good thing, by the way. Stephanie Seymour’s kids are AWFUL.)

They’re wrong. I win.

Your bride is okay. She’s blandly attractive in the same way that a lot of bottle blondes are. Judging by looks alone, you did well for yourself considering your complete lack of experience in the bedroom, but I could browse wedding blogs for an afternoon and find hundreds — literally HUNDREDS of women — who I find more attractive than your bride.

And this isn’t to piss on your wedding or your happiness. You’re newly married: everyone WANTS to say “Congratulations!” because it’s a naturally joyous human event. But you have to turn your post-virginity happiness into a smug competition — “Scoreboard, bitches! My balls are straight-up OUT of semen after all this awesome sex I’m finally trying!” — that everyone is supposedly losing because you did it according to your values, which are “right.” (Am I using the sarcastic quotes correctly?) It’s pathetic.

I’d like to tell you a story of our morning after, however. One that transpired into one of the most glaring epiphanies I’d ever had.

As my wife (again, still not used to that) and I ate breakfast at a local inn, we discussed how excited we were to start the rest of our lives together, how scary it was that everything was now so different. At the same time, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence!

“The thing is, nothing’s really changed,” the bride said.

Puzzled, my wife asked, “Did you get married last night too? So did we!”

“Congratulations!” the other dame said. “Yeah we did, just last night.”

“Where’s the groom?” my wife innocently… scratch that, naively asked.

Oh, I get it. She’s not innocent because you HIT THAT SHIT UNDER THE EYES OF GOD HELLZ YEAH BRO!

“Oh, he’s sleeping. There was no way he was coming out with me this morning!” She paused and smirked. “Let’s just say that he’s got a lingering headache from a really good time last night.”

My heart sank. Firstly, that poor schmuck’s “good time” was simply getting snookered.

who says snookered are you 80

Not enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends with a clear head and clean conscience, not staring in awe at his beautiful new wife, wanting to soak in every glimmer of her eyes as she shot him heart-racing looks from across the dance floor, not taking all of the cheesy pictures as they cut the cake, not even carrying her across that suite threshold as they nervously anticipated their “nightcap.” He probably won’t remember any of it. Instead, he got smashed. He was “that guy”… at his own freaking wedding.

Oh COME ON. This is the nanciest, most ignorant interpretation of drunkenness I’ve seen or heard since I was 16. You can still enjoy your beautiful wife and dance and take pictures and have a great time — and remember everything — while also getting drunk. That’s what makes getting drunk so much fun.

Listen, Steve. Have your own wonderful, sober life with your wife without the knowledge of a variety of vagina shapes or fellatio techniques. That’s your right. But JEEZ, man. Let other people do their own thing.

Then I realized something. Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together. Our family traveled from far and wide to celebrate the decision of two young people to truly commit themselves to each other, and selflessly give themselves to one another in a way that they never had before that very night.

The people next to us that morning? Well, theirs was just one big party.  

One big, awesome, way-better party than your judgmental celebration about how much better you are than other people.

And the morning after? Just another hangover.

Our “weddings” were the same event in name only. They know it, and we know it.

I bet they feel okay with theirs, actually.

Do yours the right way. If you’re young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot/mimbo and do it the world’s way. If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is. Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.

Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?”  You’re darn right I did.

“I can judge you because I’m a GOOD Christian and you did something different than I did!”

Like I said above, this is a master class in trolling — a flaming arrow sent to the fringes of society with the intent of burning the middle ground of reasonable people. The only thing Crowder got right about weddings is this: “Do yours the right way.” Do it the way that feels comfortable for you, at the time that feels right, when you’re mature enough to handle the commitment of being with one person for the rest of your life. There are lots of good ways to get married, but the only “right” way is the one that feels good to you.

What a fucking asshole.