Wade Phillips: Fellas, I just wanna tell you what a delight it’s been since I came to this organization. Shoot, I can’t begin to explain how satisfying it is to coach for a team with talent, stability and a nurturing environment like this one has.

J.J. Watt: Of course. It’s been great to play for you, Wade. Hard to complain when we’re winning and have the second-ranked D in the league.

Wade: I know. It’s just that… where I played before wasn’t the most healthy environment. I got badgered all the time when stuff went wrong. I always feared for my job. Sometimes, my very safety. To be frank, it was kind of insulting too. I got made fun of a lot.

Brian Cushing: You? Why would they do that? You’re such a nice coach. What were they making fun of you about?

Wade: Well, some folks say I carry a little extra weight on this carriage.

J.J. Watt: C’mon, you’re just a healthy guy, Wade.

Brooks Reed: I hope I look good at your age.

Wade: Now, I think you guys are just being nice. At one time or another, I’m sure one of you has looked at me and thought, “Oh, there goes Florence Tubbingale” or “Halloween’s on the way. Hide the candy from Count Chubula.”

Ben Tate: No way. We like you, Wade. We like you just the way you are.

Wade: You mean it?

Andre Johnson: Of course. You’re awesome, Wade.

Team: WADE! WADE! WADE! WADE! WADE! WADE!

Wade: That’s right decent of you guys. I hope you don’t mind, but as a token of my appreciation, I brought the team some of my famous Texas Roadhouse Chili.

I hope you brought your appetites, boys, ’cause I made a bunch. It looks like a lot, but no matter how much I make, it’s gets cleaned out when I make it for the family. I even made a special batch for Arian. Since we all know he’s one of them vegan fellers.

Arian Foster: Aw man, thanks. That’s really big of you.

Wade: Watch it. You’re startin’ to sound like Jerry Jones.

[Teammates force a polite laugh]

Arian: What’d you use in this? Is this tofu?

Wade: Not quite.

Arian: You gotta tell me. It’s a lot gamier than other meat substitutes I’ve tried.

Wade: If you must know, it’s ear.

Arian Foster: Ear?

Wade: Not just any kind of ear. A human ear!

Matt Schaub: So that’s where the rest of mine went.

Arian Foster: YOU MADE ME EAT MATT’S EAR? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!? WE JUST TOLD YOU WE LIKED YOU!

Wade: You like me? No one likes me. No one likes poor ol’ Wade. And it’s never Wade. It’s always Balloon Boy or Ravishing Rick Moobs or Coach Elephant Ass. You skinny bitches think you’re so smart. You wanna lecture me just because I like a side of ribs with my coffee in the morning. What business is it of yours? Live your own life. WELL NOW YOU GOTTA MEAT AND GET FAT LIKE ME, SKINNY VEGGIE BOY! I was just glancing at the paper this morning and I saw that Dallas had the only defense ranked higher than ours. I can just hear him laughing to himself. “Good thing we got rid of Pork Belly so I could get me a real defense. I’m tired of playing bump and wheeze coverage.” WELL, SCREW YOU, JERRY JONES! YOU AND PERSONAL TRAINERS AND YOUR SURGERIES! IF YOU WEREN’T RICH, YOU’D BE JUST LIKE ME! OLD AND GROSS! I’M GONNA COACH UP THIS HERE TEAM AND WE’RE GONNA WIN, BY GUM, AND WHEN WE DO, OL’ WADE IS GONNA SHOOT YOU THE BIGGEST RASPBERRY YOU EVER SAW. YOU PUSHED ME TOO FAR!

Connor Barwin: Is Wade insane?

J.J. Watt: Yeah, I think so.

Jonathan Joseph: As long as we’re still winning, he can wipe his sh*t on the walls of his office, for all I care.

Brian Cushing: Not rocking the boat over this. I can deal.

Arian Foster: HE FED ME MATT SCHAUB’S EAR! I ATE PART OF A PERSON! AHHHHHHH!

Ben Tate: Serves you right. You should have more meat in your diet, anyway.

Brooks Reed: Yeah, who doesn’t eat meat? F*ckin’ weirdo.