It’s back! It’s back! Fantasy football is back! I know it’s true because Hakeem Nicks got me a whopping 3.8 points last night. Thanks a lot, DICK. Hot rookie pickup David Wilson picked up 4 yards and lost a fumble, while someone named Kevin Ogletree had eight catches for 114 yards and two touchdowns. I HATE THAT. I hate not being able to predict that, and I hate not knowing whether I should put in a waiver claim for a rising star or ignore it as a one-time breakout. GAHHH I FORGOT HOW HARD THIS IS.

Anyway, things have a definite fantasy football lean this week, but the sex department still gives us one hopeles naïf to shake our heads at, plus some over-sharing and gratuitous cheesecake. Mmmm, cheesecake.

Ufford,
Sex: In the mailbga two weeks ago, someone wrote in with a question about pregnancy sex. Having just gone through the process, I’d like to offer a counterpoint to Flubby’s concerns: have sex with her on top.

Flubby: “This guy’s a walking Kama Sutra.”

When my wife was pregnant, it seemed to create some extra pressure when she was on top and she was able to hit spots that were previously unavailable to her. It felt really good, actually. I can’t speak for everyone’s experience, but I still enjoyed sex during pregnancy quite a bit.

I think Flub’s point was more about his wife’s terrifying hormonal urges and mood swings than it was about the logistics. But I’m glad you enjoyed sex with your pregnant wife.

And if including a picture helps pay penance for me bringing up pregnancy sex, I hope Kelly Brook will suffice:

Fantasy Football: How do you feel about just scrapping the TE spot altogether and just rolling it into a WR/TE spot? It seems like a bunch of the top TE’s (Gronk, Jimmy Graham, etc.) line up in the slot more and more now, and thus are less like traditional TE’s. If they’re basically big slot receivers, having a dedicated lineup spot for them serves only to artificially increase their value.
–Sexmaster J

I’m not sold on your argument, counselor. You say, “Gronk, Jimmy Graham, etc.” as if there were LOTS of tight ends who play like Gronk and Graham, when there are basically none. Gronk and Graham are “basically big slot receivers” who happen to also block linebackers and maul safeties after catching the ball. They’re valuable because so few players can do what they do, not because they have their own spot in a fantasy lineup.

I do, however, understand the point you’re trying to make, which is why I’m a proponent of the flex position being RB/WR/TE.

**********

Caveman,
Fantasy: I swiped Toby Gerhart in the late rounds of a 14 man keeper league ahead of a guy desperately looking to handcuff his questionable top 10 Purple Jesus pick.

He took Adrian Peterson in the top ten? You should be able to swindle him easily.

His rage was palpable across the cold vacuum of the virtual draft room. Knowing what we know about AP’s readiness (Nothing. Game-time decision? Please), or his durability (Infinite nothingness), what are the kinds of trade offers I should be looking to make, if any? I offered him Toby for Hillis and was immediately denied.

All white running backs are not created equal, I guess. Anyway, Gerhart is essentially useless without a Purple Jesus injury, so if you can’t get a sack of crap like Hillis for him, then I don’t see you being able to move him for anything of worth until we see how Peterson runs.

Sex: A girl who attends a weekly bar event I host made all the first moves on Facebook and whatnot, asked me out and we went on a few dates. I had a ton of fun and felt that we really clicked and she said the same. We talked on the phone a few days after our last date about how she’s in a wedding coming up the next weekend, that she’d be really busy, but at least she wanted to say that she had a ton of fun and that we’ll talk soon.

Cut to two weeks later. I’ve played it cool, texting her once that I hope she has fun at the wedding and sent her a couple of Facebook messages asking to see her again and got nothing. Meanwhile, my annoyance is building up because it’s not like she’s off the grid – I see tweets and Facebook posts almost daily. So she’s not trapped somewhere in Buffalo Bill’s pit. I’m old enough (your age) to have seen this before but it still sucks. (Ladies: just say “Thanks but no thanks, I’ll see you when I see you.” We’ll BOTH feel better in the long run.) Anyways, how long do I wait before it’s clear that I’m being ignored and I can send a scalding message tearing into this girl for her lack of maturity and class? I probably shouldn’t bother but it might make me feel better.

Thanks. Like the majestic corgi, you’ve always ruled.
-Sick of This Bullshit

Go ahead and send that angry text message if you want to look like a needy woman who got too attached too quickly. Sure, it would’ve been polite of her to say she didn’t want to go on another date, but the effect is the same: you have received her message clearly. Turn the other cheek and move on.

**********

My dear Captain:
Fantasy: Of the three WRs, do I start Denarius Moore (vs SD), Malcom Floyd (@OAK) or Titus Young (vs StL)?  Standard Scoring on ESPN (Gratuitous Simpsons References league by some of the Kommentariat).

I’d go with Denarius. Floyd’s inconsistent, and I want to watch a couple Lions game before I’m sold on Young as a fantasy option.

Sex: Last year of undergrad school has just started, so I got nothing yet.  However, I did come a cross a new set of Kate Upton pics that haven’t been posted on this site yet – my personal favorite is attached.

Cheers!
packman_jon

Thanks. Shitty headphones have never looked better.

**********

Cap’n Cave,
Football: I have Jamaal Charles and was offered Peyton Hillis for the Shonn Greene. I like Greene, but find it hard to turn down the chance to get Charles’ handcuff, who is probably going to be only a little better than Hillis. I think I need to pull the trigger.

Whoa whoa whoa. Jamaal Charles is “probably going to be only a little better than Hillis”? That’s insane — and yet sadly possible if Romeo Crennel gives all the goal line carries to Hillis.

But let’s examine the thought process behind this trade. Let’s say you’re starting Charles at running back and Greene as your flex (or as RB1 and RB2, whatever). You trade Greene — a starting running back — for Hillis, a second-stringer. Your best-case scenario for Hillis to play well is Charles gets injured, in which case Hillis puts up numbers that aren’t even as good as Charles’s because seriously, have you seen them both run? So now you have someone to start in place of Charles but an empty spot where Greene once was. And that’s the best-case scenario.

I say this every year: DON’T MAKE TRADES BEFORE WEEK 4. Gather some information about who’s looking good and bad, figure out whose performances are sustainable and unsustainable, and let that inform your decisions. Don’t go pulling the trigger on trades just because you want the handcuff to your starting running back.

Sex: I met my dream girl

Dream girl, tooth fairy, unicorn: they are all the same thing. Don’t idolize someone you’re interested in; they are merely a human you want to see naked.

at an internship I did last summer. At the time, she had been dating her boyfriend for about six months.

“My ideal woman is someone with a boyfriend.” See how dumb “dream girl” sounds?

Over the few months of the internship, we worked together closely at work and spent most of our time outside of work together, even while hanging out with the larger group of interns. After a few weeks, I’d totally fallen for her, but the BF situation precluded anything more than friendship. Nonetheless, we became very close friends and she was receptive to some flirting.

Whoa, a woman welcomed attention that made her feel attractive? SHE’S DEFINITELY INTERESTED!

Fast forward to last winter, I visit her Ivy League school on a long weekend (our schools were about five hours apart). I come to find out that she recently broken up with the boyfriend, but they’re still friends and hooking up and I even had dinner with the two of them (that was fun).

They get back together soon after my visit and then she breaks up with him again at the beginning of this summer. I’ve graduated and just moved halfway across the country for work; she has two more years of college left.

Throughout the past year we text multiple times a week and I feel like we are as close friends as people who see each other a few times per year can be. Problem is, now that she’s finally single, I’m a thousand miles away, though I’ll probably be moving back east in a few years. I just don’t see any scenario where telling her my feelings for her right now would do anything but harm our friendship. However, I don’t know if the timing will ever be right, but I do think she might share some of my feelings. I probably won’t see her until I go home for Christmas and New Year’s and I feel like I need to sit down with her and have some real talk. Am I crazy here?
–QWOP

This is how that last paragraph makes me feel:

Tell me, what aspect of this friendship are you so afraid to lose? Because, to me, it seems like you became friends because hooking up wasn’t an option for you, and your friendship since then has been an awkward dinner with the guy she was fucking, a bunch of texting, and the hope that you’ll someday get to feel her naked body. So basically, you don’t want to confront her about your feelings and try to hook up with her lest you lose the hope of someday hooking up with her.

You don’t need or want her as a friend. Stop being naive.

**********

Dear KSK,
After last night’s game, I’ve gotten several sniffs for Miles Austin. I have a pretty WR-heavy offense with Andre Johnson and Steve Smith (CAR) in addition to Miles, and Justin Blackmon on the bench ready to come in if I pull the trigger. My RB corps are thin with Matt Forte and the always disappointing Shonn Green starting and Jonathan Stewart holding up the bench. The guy who’s sniffing has Steven Jackson and (fragile) Ryan Matthews.

I dunno, given Andre Johnson’s injury last year and Steve Smith’s ankle this year, I don’t think your receiving corps is in demonstrably better shape than your running backs.

Am I dumb for shaking up my WR corps; trading a known commodity and replacing him with a rookie reciever who’s catching passes from Blaine Gabbert? Will either Steven Jackson or Ryan Matthews make up for that potential point loss? 

Again, I’m hesitant to pull ANY trades before Week 4, but Austin for Mathews is about as buy-low/sell-high as it gets. I might be interested in making the trade if your league starts two WRs; if you start three, you don’t have the depth to lose Austin.

SEX: No question, but to appease, Mila and Elisha:

-Cackalacky

Really? That’s your offering for no sex question? A low-res, 300-pixel photo taken years ago? Come on, man. That’s just disrespectful to the process.

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Oh Cap’n My Cap’n,
I wrote a year back to ask if Jamaal Charles was worth a 1st round draft pick. We both know how that went.

:(

I got him again this year in the 2nd. My real weakness is at QB. I panicked and took RGIII in the 6th, because that o-line or his inability to slide should get him killed by week 6 at the latest and I am horrible at Fantasy Football. But I also drafted Tiny Russell Wilson in the 15th, and am I wrong to think he’s a viable starter week 1 against the Buzzsaw? Or possibly all year? You’re the resident Hawks fan, what say you?

All right, sorry for the pimping of my YouTube stuff, but I talk about Jamaal Charles AND Russell Wilson in this week’s episode of Keepers:

Short answer: I like Wilson a lot, but not enough to start him in fantasy Week 1. Wilson plays at Arizona at Week 1, while RG3 visits New Orleans. With the Saints’ depleted D and high-powered offense, I’d probably lean towards RG3 because I suspect he’ll be throwing (and running) more than Wilson.

SEXY: Preparing to make a baby is the worst. No drinking, no drugs, no smoking, no caffeine, NO JERKING IT. NO FUCKING FUN WHATSOEVER FOR A MONTH. I don’t even get the satisfaction of laying that goddamn backed-up shotgun blast of splooge all over my wife’s gigantic tits and reveling in its glory. It will be Peter Northian, and I will probably get a cramp in my taint and pass out. BUT I SHOULDN’T COMPLAIN, RIGHT???
-SINCERELY,
Casselmania

If teenagers have taught me anything, it’s that you can still get pregnant if one or both parties have been drinking. But, uh, thanks for the visuals about your taint-cramping orgasm.